The last we noted, our young hero, Perseus Jackson-

"Who's this Perseus guy again?" Percy asked as he made his way to the river Tiber.

Hera couldn't believe the situation. This kid was so retarded she wondered why he and her husband didn't get along. And why was she was being carried? She had legs, but this kid seemed to want to do it for some reason while holding all of his pillow pets.

After five hours they finally reached the river Tiber because Percy was slowed down by the pillow pets.

"Percy," Hera said. "If you cross the Tiber, you will lose the skin of Achilles."

"And more importantly, my pillow pets will get wet," Percy said. He couldn't find a way to cross the river so he started crying.

"Why doesn't he just part the river using his powers?" Hazel asked.

"Because that would be the logical thing to do," Frank answered.

In the end, Percy saw the bridge that was there and climbed under it for some reason. He was perfectly dry when he went to the other side, but Hera wasn't.

When they did reach the other side, Hera had enough and got off of him. The Romans recognized she was a god since they had IQs in the double digits and bowed.

"Why is everyone bowing to hippie lady?" Percy asked.

Hera sighed. If this kid wasn't going to recognize that she was a goddess from the magical aura she was giving, or the fact that she was ten feet tall, then he was so medically stupid that nothing was going to work.

"Anyway," Hera said, "I wanted to tell you all that you're going to be attacked by giants."

"Giants?" Percy asked. "You mean like the soccer team?"

Everyone groaned and Hera left before she could finish her message.

After that, Percy groaned as he carried his pillow pets towards the Praetor's place. Unfortunately, Frank had taken his panda pillow pet and gave it up as sacrifice.

"No!" Percy shouted. He looked back at his pile, and he had around three pandas left. "I don't have any left!" he wailed.

"I'm sorry Percy," Frank said.

"You have to make up for it!"

"How?"

"Turn into a panda so I can hug you."

"Wait-no!" Frank said and Percy began chasing him all over the place before he got tired and went to see Reyna.

"Look, Percy," Reyna said. "The producers of this show thought that it would be good for their to be some more romance here. Do you want to go out with me."

"No," Percy said.

"Why not?" Reyna asked, confused.

"Because, I've decided that Frank's going to turn into a panda and that we're going to live together instead!" Percy said.

Just then, Hazel burst into the room. "No! I'm not handing Frank over to anyone! The only one who he's going to live with after turning into a panda is me!"

"I don't wanna be a panda," Frank moaned. Both Percy and Hazel yelled "Shut up!" and threw stuff at him.

Then, Percy grew so angry that he drew out his sword. He made it from some styrofoam that he had found somewhere.

Everyone gasped.

"Percy," Reyna said. "Styrofoam's the only thing that can harm celestial creatures, aside from cardboard. We use cardboard here at camp and paint it yellow and call it Imperial Gold because it sounds cooler."

"It doesn't matter, I want a panda!" Percy said.

"This conversation is so wrong," Frank said. "Shouldn't the whole thing have been censored already?"

CENSORED

It was finally time for the daily game of capture the fort. Percy had been accepted into the Fifth Cohort.

For some reason, he had dressed up in a Batman costume instead of armor.

"Percy, have you ever played war games before?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, I always wear this," Percy answered.

Just then, the war game began. Frank, as always, had a plan, but Percy messed it up completely.

Percy was a terror. To his own team. He kept running around swinging his styrofoam sword like crazy and saying lines from the Batman movies and forcing water to drown all of them.

Thanks to him, the Fifth, Fourth, and Third cohorts suffered their first loss in eight hundred years.

When the game was over, they saw that someone had stabbed Gwen with a spear.

Because Percy was dressed up as Batman, he thought that he needed to put his detective skills to the work. He saw that Octavian had been the only one unaccounted for, Octavian was the only without a spear, and the fingerprints on the weapon belonged to Octavian. There could only be one logical explanation...

"Frank did it!" Percy shouted.

"How did you possibly reach that conclusion?" Frank asked.

"It's eleventarary," Percy said. "Frank was secretly dated Gwen, but he knew that his true calling was to be a panda, so he had to murder her in cold blood to hide the fact."

Before anyone could comment on that, Mars appeared. Everybody bowed except Percy since he was too stupid to figure out what was going on.

"I'm Mars, patron of Rome," Mars said.

"Aren't you Ares?" Percy asked.

"No, the Romans named me differently," Mars said. "Don't you know?"

"Yes I do!" Percy said. "I bet they liked you so much they named you after their favorite candy!" Percy held up a Mars Bar in his hand.

Mars looked at Percy like he was considering beating him up, but decided that would just be a waste of time.

"Listen up!" he said. "Zeus said I could only be here until he counted up to twelve. Knowing him, that gives us at least twenty minutes, but let's be quick about this."

"Haven't we fought before?" Percy asked.

"No we haven't," Mars said.

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"FINE THEN! WE'VE FOUGHT BEFORE! NOW CAN WE MOVE ON!" Mars shouted.

"Wait," Percy said. "Nothing slips by Batman! I now remember that I really fought Apollo since you couldn't come. I bet you were trying to trick me into thinking we had fought before, but you couldn't fool someone with my brains."

Mars did everyone a favor and knocked Percy unconscious.

"Now, let me tell you what's going to happen," Mars said. "I'm Frank's father, and I want him to lead a quest to open the doors of death. That's what's helping Gwen recover."

Gwen had managed to heal while no one was looking.

"So, I want you to go with that idiot so that he can learn something and free Thanatos before we all die. That is all." Mars said.

Above, Zeus had finally managed to count to twelve. It was a whole lot quicker than anyone had expected, so Mars left.