Author's Note: You guys are really sweet! Awwwh! =3=

Thank you for your rabu. I'm glad to see that there are readers both new and old. I have been changing a few things here and there as I update, simply because there are things I didn't catch before and lines that could sound much better. I think since posting this fic for the first time (nearly a year and a half ago) I've improved a lot, and that is really something.

Now, I'm trying to get myself back into writing with the same enthusiasm I had before. You're helping me with that more than you know! So thank you!


When I told that idiot I'd give him a month to help me turn my life around, I didn't mean that I wouldn't try to kill myself. All it meant was that I'd give him thirty days, from the time I left Shinra's apartment, before I walked back out of the blond monster's life to finish what I started. More than anything, I only agreed with him to get him off my back. So before he could be pleased with my decision, I slammed him with a list of rules - expectations - that could end this agreement if broken. I half hoped they'd be impossible, and then I'd be out of his life in no time.

The first was that I still had the right to take my own life before the month was over. How would he control it anyway? The second was that Shizuo had to give me daily reasons to stay alive. No repeats. Third, if he told anybody that I was on suicide watch, I'd frame him for my own murder - which we both know I was perfectly capable of doing.

Unfortunately, I still had a week to go before I was able to leave. Shinra insisted that seven days in bed required seven days readjusting before getting out of one. My strength was gone, but not so far gone as my will to live. Every smile I put on was blatantly falsified to please others, often times resulting in the opposite effect of its purpose. I felt like a prisoner.

If only they could comprehend… The pain in faking it hurt me so much worse than they could imagine. Every word, every action, every moment… nothing could revive in me the desire to keep going. Nothing. I just felt forced, like they had tied a rope around my neck to drag me each step further. Had it not been for the people around me, I would have stopped functioning all together. I probably wouldn't have made it to suicide before my own lack of willpower took me instead.

"If I'm being held captive by you for the next thirty days, there are some things I'd like go get from home," I told Shizuo as we stepped out into the sun.

The natural light burned my eyes. It had been too long since I'd experienced sunlight. I could feel that my body would need time to readjust as a flipped up the hood of my coat, pulling it as far over my sensitive eyes as I could force it. Continuing on our way, with Shizuo several meters ahead of me, we made our way to the subway station.


"Where the hell have YOU been," a vicious bitch opened my door before I even had the chance to stick the key into the lock.

Admittedly, I was slightly taken aback by such a forward reaction to my arrival. I hadn't even looked at her yet before she shot off her mouth. "It doesn't matter," I told her, barely looking her way as I stepped inside. Shizuo was barely two feet behind me.

"Who is this?" she scoffed. "You're boyfriend?"

"Actually," I smirked, "He's the guy who kicked your brother's ass a few months ago. Yagiri Namie, meet Heiwajima Shizuo. Play nice."

"I beat up your brother?" Shizuo raised a brow.

Namie crossed her arms, rolling her eyes. She didn't feel he was worth her time (unless she was silently plotting his demise for the knot he left on Seiji's forehead). Instead, she kept her undying attention on me, like a hawk after its prey. Though, she and I both know I'd never give her a damn thing she wanted. Just like Shizuo wasn't worth her time, she was not worth mine. To be honest, I couldn't even tell you why I had the woman in my house, other than to make her into something of a housewife. "So you disappear for weeks and you don't even call?" she ranted.

"Were you worried?"

"Worried? I thought your mafia dealings finally caught up with you! You could have called or something."

"Sorry…" but I wasn't. "I just got tied up. That's all."

"Do you have any idea how many clients have been looking for you?"

"No need to tell me," I rolled my eyes. "Really. I know."

I couldn't care less who she was. Whether she was a woman I'd known all my life, or a person from the streets below, Namie and I weren't close. She didn't get to know what I was going through. She certainly couldn't do anything to help. And much more than not giving a shit about her, or her feelings, or her curiosity, I did not want her to see the disparity that was so heavy in my heart that it had me tied down in her own former co-worker's building for the past two weeks.

Why, you may be wondering?

Because it would please her to hear that I was suffering.

"Whoa. Izaya. Mafia dealings?" Shizuo stared at me with large eyes, completely perplexed by what the big-mouthed woman with a tiny waist said.

"Can we not discuss this?" I growled between gritted teeth. "Just because I'm doing this doesn't mean we're friends."

"Doing what?" the snarky woman questioned me.

"I'm leaving for a while," I gave her no details. "Just take care of the place while I'm gone. Do what you want. Take what money you need. I don't care."

Heading into my bedroom, and leaving the two polar opposites alone together, I stuffed some necessities into an old duffle bag, including the key required to open the safe where I kept the Black Rider's own head. There was no way I was letting that woman take off with it or something crazy like that. At least not until I was officially dead. Once upon a time, I lived for that thing… for its power… for its mystery, all in the hopes of it tying me to eternal life. Though, when I tried to end said life, I quit caring about everything beyond that which related to my own end.

Maybe that woman was half of my problem… or at least people like her. Even though I used her on many separate occasions, she took it, along with the money I offered. However, she never offered me respect, let alone friendship. She hated me too. Just another human being, contributing to my life's most filthy lie.

Why she ever stayed, I do not know.

"Alright," I said, throwing my bag over my shoulder and flipping open my cell phone. "We're off."

My reply from the two was a tense silence.

I looked up from the screen full of missed calls, wondering which - if any - I should have returned. Shizuo and Namie were standing in opposite corners, glaring at each other with suspicious eyes. It looked like cat versus dog.

"Izaya," Namie finally spoke my name.

"Yeah?"

"If I'm not mistaken, isn't this man your sworn enemy? So why are you leaving with him?"

Shizuo scoffed. "And aren't you the same crazy bitch who -"

"Can we leave now? Please?" I desperately cut him off.

"Izaya!" Namie continued to bitch.

"Shut up. If I wanted it to be your business, it would be."

She did as told, but not without walking away with attitude.


"What's up with her?" Shizuo asked me back on the streets.

"Don't worry about it. She's just some stupid girl."

"Who lives with you?"

"Tch. I said don't worry about it."

"Well… she seems nice."


We walked through the front door of Shizuo's apartment back in Ikebukuro. I was honestly surprised that nobody had seen us on the way in. The city felt quiet, like some melancholy had brought it to a standstill for the evening. Maybe it was just me…

Trying to brush off the empty, glum feeling, I took a look around the place. It was small, as I imagined it might be. One of those one room places, where the kitchen is barely separated from the living room. Barely more than a wall separates the living room from the bedroom, and between the two there's a randomly placed closet parallel to a bathroom. One of those places. However, for its size, I was surprised to discover how spacious and clean it was. Even with the looming scent of stale cigarettes, everything appeared to have a place, and every surface was spotless. It was nice… cozy… for Shizuo, that is. Not at all what I was expecting. In fact, I kind of imagined something smaller, torn apart, completely vandalized with leaks, cracks, and roaches playing as the most vivid of decorations.

I see now that I thought of him as much less of a person than he really was. Maybe I should have looked more carefully at the brand name on those sunglasses, the quality of his cigarettes, and the tidiness of those stupid bartender uniforms.

"So basically, there are two rules," he spoke. "I rarely have people here. In fact, the only people who know where I live are my brother and Celty. So, I never have people here. Rule one, don't slam any doors. My neighbors will bitch about it. Rule two, don't use my toothbrush. But… since you're gonna be here a while, I should add a third."

"What's that?" I quietly asked.

"Clean up your own messes."

It was scrawled across his face. He already hated this. I wouldn't blame him. So did I. Neither of us wanted me there. Hell, I didn't even want to be alive. Having me here was going to be difficult for the both of us. I wondered who would take it worse. Yet it was his good conscience that said I needed this. What else was I going to do? Even Celty and Shinra were bent on keeping me under a watchful eye.

"Mind if I take a shower?"

Lighting a cigarette, Shizuo sat on the couch, his face completely tense with thought. Staring into space, I could see that he was thinking for a moment. The part of me who hated him wondered if that was difficult for him. Yet, there was another that wondered… He really was more than I gave him credit for…

Eradicating my feelings of guilt, I ran my fingers through my dirty hair. "Shizu-chan?"

"What?" he growled.

I probably should have knocked that off if this was going to work, because every time he looked at me, I felt like I was on thin ice, even when I didn't say a word. And every time I looked back, I felt two pieces of me playing tug-o-war. One side wanted to do everything possible to piss him off; maybe get him to kill me so that I wouldn't have to do it myself at the end of the month. The other side was confused, wondering why I wasn't trying to piss him off, or how he was keeping his cool despite my presence. I didn't deserve it.

"Shower?" I repeated, nodding my head in the direction of the bathroom.

"Sure. Just don't lock the door."

"Huh?" I squeaked, void of a witty remark for what felt like the first time.

"Izaya, you're on suicide watch. You don't have a right to privacy right now."

"Tch," I hissed, dropping my bag on the floor. As if the brute couldn't kick the damn thing in if he was really that concerned. "Fine."

These next thirty days were going to suck.


You just don't see me anymore.

I've been losing everything.

You just don't see me anymore.

I'll say goodbye.