Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone 4/?

Author: Seraphim Grace

Archive: if you want it ask. I just want to know where it is.

Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.

Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed

Warnings: Crossover, crack!

Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)

Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student.

It had taken all the way from Central to Siberia on the train before Ed stopped swearing and that had more to do with the plane that they were boarding and a sense of open mouthed wonder than any real calming of his nerves. In fact, Roy was rather amazed Ed had managed to go that long without collapsing, despite a few nap breaks and a rather large amount of food that was literally inhaled. He even managed to drink the train coffee, which even Armstrong, known for his ability to eat anything (passed down through the Armstrong family for generations) had been unable to. Roy suspected that they used it to fuel the train.

Ed had gaped, unlike Russell who had just put his head down and gone to sleep, as they waited in the airport for the plane, then chattered excitedly about science to anyone who would listen, working out how it flew and how long it would take. Roy wasn't sure it wasn't worse than the swearing, leaping red coated demon that had been on the train.

On the plane Ed's ears popped which caused a loud squeal and Armstrong shared with him another secret technique passed down through his family for generations, he squeezed a nerve on Ed's neck and the boy passed out.

The hotel in London was right beside the train station, Roy was glad to learn, it was just the wrong train station. So when he took the boys shopping in the mysterious Diagon alley he had to take them on the underground, a problem compounded by Armstrong not fitting on the sleek tube trains. Ed only asked questions for a couple of moments in the chemist, before being distracted by something vaguely chemical on the shelves as Russell fetched himself and his boisterous companion something to eat and drink, whilst Roy worked out the benefits of the over the counter herbal stress medication that they had on display.

He was just deciding between "E-Z life" and "Kalms" when Ed started tugging on his coat and asking for money. Roy decided it wasn't worth it and picked them both up.

The woman at the counter, looked at his purchases, looked at Roy, then looked at Ed, who was capering behind him pointing at things excitedly whilst even Russell looked about ready to explode, and just nodded in sympathy.

Roy wished he had the energy to even bother flirting with her, but dealing with a travel stained, hyper Elric just sucked the life out of him.

He was going to have to repress the memories involving the mini bar.

Edward Elric was fun to tease when you saw him once a month, spending more than that with him, was enough to drive a normal person insane.

Diagon Alley smelled. It had a sort of musty horsy sort of aroma, not helped by crowds of people wearing cloaks and a light drizzle of a rain. He made sure he could tell both boys, who were of a height, by their golden hair as he ushered them into the book shop.

Ed's eyes glazed over and Russell started to drool, it seemed they were both alchemists, because even Roy looking around felt a hunger.

The girl who worked in the shop seemed to float over to him, in a wisp of incense, broomstick skirt, hideously badly knitted sweater and beads. She was a plain girl with mousy brown hair but her arms were full of books. Roy smiled at her.

Book shopping was just as easy in this place as it was at home, he thought.

School uniforms were a nightmare, Roy thought, because Diagon Alley only sold the outer cape things, everything else was supplied by the school, but that apparently didn't include shirts, trousers, socks, sweaters (badge to be sewn on when received) and the school uniform shop seemed amazed that Roy didn't know this. The man, a rather officious man with a thin rat face, sent him off with a slip of paper explaining his needs to somewhere called British Home Stores where he could get everything he needed, and lunch apparently.

The wand store was a debacle, apparently the owner thought they should try things out. This meant that what he thought was a five minute chore took the best part of an hour. Russell apparently suited white ash with unicorn hair, which had taken minutes, he himself had had a shock lifting a piece of mandragora with phoenix feather but nothing really seemed to suit Ed, Ed being so contrary it really wasn't a wonder. Eventually, through some miracle known only as Ed being Ed he found one eventually, the most expensive in the store, naturally, but strangely the shop keeper mused, checking his books, identical to one he had previously sold to a Mr Hohemheim.

Ed's explosion hadn't been pretty.

He went to the Familiar store looking like he had run the London Marathon and completed it after twenty eight days. "I want that," Ed said pointing at a small dark blur in a glass cage.

"But, sir," the shop owner said as Roy was prepared to agree for the sake of an easy life, half a bottle of E-Z life hadn't helped his day, "that's not a familiar, it's just a tortoise someone left here when they found something better. I'm waiting on the RSPCA picking it up."

"I want it." Ed said and prepared to launch into a full tirade.

"I've got some nice rats, some lovely owls, and lots of really great cats."

"Cats?" Russell interjected.

"I WANT THE TURTLE, YOU BASTARD." He shouted at Roy bouncing about in a shimmy of red coat. "Because it reminds me of Alphonse, WHO IS CURRENTLY IN FUCKING AMESTRIS WITHOUT ME BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Two cats and the turtle." Roy sighed, wondering if it was possible to overdose on herbal stress relief.

Roy swore he'd never go shopping with Ed for anything ever again.

Russell named the cats, on the way to the mysterious British Home Stores, he called them Auberon and Titania, taking the white female for himself and leaving Ed with a sorry looking black kitten and a shy tortoise. Roy sat them down in the small shop restaurant with food and went to find someone to help him collect their uniforms.

By the time he got back to the Saint Pancras hotel Ed was screaming that he was hungry, Russell was threatening Ed's life with a variety of pointed objects, including their new wands.

He left the two boys with Armstrong and went to see if it was possible to get very, very, very drunk in this town. He slipped a piece of paper with his hotel address and room on it before he went out, just in case, he thought. Waking up in a strange city with no idea where you were staying, was embarrassing, but enough liquor and Roy just wouldn't care.

He had many reasons to want to overthrow the fuhrer, but this one had just pipped "evil warmonger" to the post.