A/N: Sorry I know it has been a few weeks since I updated this story. Real life has been really hard for me the past few weeks and I've been struggling to keep up with it and I've had so much I've had to do I haven't had the time to write. Thank you for those who've left me reviews, I tried hard to get this chapter written so I could get it posted, I'm not sure if I'm too happy with it but I figure that you've waited long enough. I'll try and update again soon.


Chapter 3: He's Living In Hell Every Single Day

Present...

Raphael

How the shell could things go down hill so freaking fast? And why was our turtle luck always running true to form? Why couldn't we get one freaking break for all the good we've accomplished? Why is it that life always throws us the junk hand?

I felt the corners of my mouth turn down in a frown as I opened the fridge with more force than necessary making the contents on the shelves quiver a little. I reached for the milk and slammed the door, knowing I was making more noise than necessary but I didn't really care right now. Donny had called Mikey and I into his lab late last night after Leo had already gone to bed.

The past couple of weeks had been hard on us, Leo especially, but none of us had gotten much sleep. The wounds on Leo's face had begun to close well, leaving those hideous looking scars in their place, but Leo was still in a lot of pain. He tried to hide it from us but we could all see through it, the way his jaw clenched and the muscles bulged. The way the vein in his temple would throb and he'd go silent or how he'd meditate more often than usual in an attempt to escape if only for a while. He talked less, when the stitches were still fresh any movement he made had a potential of popping out those delicate stitches, and a few of them had popped. Every time Donny had had to replace them Leo had gotten quieter, until he rarely spoke to us at all.

Donny had done a lot of research on damage to the eyes, and had learned quite a bit about their function, healing, and just about anything else you could possibly want to know about them. But he hadn't found a way to really help our brother. Which is the reason he'd called us into the lab last night. My frown deepened as I remembered the defeated look on my younger brother's face as he told us that while Leo's condition was stabilized it was also most likely permanent. There was no magical cure for blindness, no scientific reversal for what had been done to Leo. I'd felt the disappointment of my brothers weigh down just as heavily on me as my own did.

We'd all been riding on that little bit of hope that perhaps Leo's condition wasn't permanent, that maybe he'd heal from this injury with just a few more battle scars. Donny had been hopeful at first and had tried to stay positive as he'd invented a few things to make Leo's life a little easier at the moment. A walking stick to help him get around the lair and some daily tricks that helped blind people get around from day to day. Leo had been resistant, wanting to figure this out on his own. He avoided us most of the time, but what little time he spent with us he was subdued and stubborn.

Mikey had tried to help Donny out by watching Daredevil. Not that that was much help. Leo hadn't had his sight taken away from him with some neculear waste that had been in the city - his other senses weren't going to help him see again. But Mikey actually picked up a few things from the movie much to my surprise. He gave his suggestions to Donny who nodded and filed them away for future references.

Reaching up for the box of raisin bran I heard the soft sounds of someone's approaching feet on the cold cement floor.

"Umph," Leo's breath came out in a grunt as he bumped into the wall. I turned automatically to see him stumble back a couple steps, the impact enough to stun him and knock the air out of his lungs. Much to my dismay I saw that Leo's hands were once again void of any walking stick. I scowled at him.

"Leo, where's your walking stick?" I demanded as I grabbed what I hoped was a clean bowl from the side of the sink and popped open the top of the cereal box. The bits of grain and raisin tinkled gently as they hit the ceramic dish.

"I don't need it," Leo snapped back at me as he reached forward with one hand, feeling for one of the kitchen chairs that surrounded the table. I watched him through narrowed eyes as he slowly made his way forward, his feet shuffling against the cold floor as he felt his way across the room to the table. At last his fingers landed on the back of one of the chairs, he pulled it towards him, feeling the seat of the chair for a minute before he gingerly sat down and leaned back cautiously. I glowered at him as I poured the milk into my cereal, not even noticing when a bit of it spilled over the sides.

"Hey, Leo," Mikey greeted cheerfully as he entered the kitchen, Klunk trotting along at his heels. The orange cat was purring loudly as he watched Mikey reach up for a bag of kibble, he meowed hungrily and rubbed his small head against Mikey's ankle, his long tail twitched a little. Mikey poured a cup into Klunk's dish and rubbed the orange cat under his chin, his expression soft as he stared lovingly at the cat. I took my bowl over to the table and sat down as far from Leo as I could, determined not to look at him as I began to eat breakfast.

"Morning," Leo said curtly, as he nodded once in the direction he thought Mikey's voice had come from. Mikey didn't seem to notice that Leo was nodding towards the wall.

I sighed quietly to myself while I spooned another mouthful of grain and raisin into my mouth. I never thought I'd miss the old Leo, but the new Leo was grinding on my nerves. He'd been so much colder these days, much like he was after Karai had stabbed him with his own katana. Leo had been angry, stubborn, and cold for a couple of months, all he'd ever done was train, pushing us to our breaking points, always beating the shell out of us. He'd gotten angry if we were defeated in battle, never seeming to be satisfied with what we accomplished. It was never enough. And then one day he'd finally lost it, while have a katana lesson with Master Splinter his temper had gotten the better of him and he'd actually hurt Splinter with his sword.

I'd been shocked and appalled, and more than that angry. I couldn't understand how Leo could do such a thing at the time. He'd always looked out for the family, the last thing he'd ever want to do was hurt one of us. Shell, he'd been the one to stop me from smashing Mikey's skull in with a lead pipe when I'd lost control of my temper one day. So how could he turn around and do something just as bad to Master Splinter?

Leo had seemed to be in shock, and the katana had fallen from his nerveless fingers as he'd rushed forward to apologize. His whole body bowed under his shame and he'd stared down at the floor all the anger suddenly drained out of him, leaving a husk where my brother used to be. After that Splinter had sent him off to Japan to study with the Ancient One. We hadn't heard from him for over two months and the lair had been very lonely and quiet without him.

This time was different though, Leo didn't lock himself away in the dojo or anywhere else training. He spent the majority of his time in his room, sulking from the looks of it with the occasional meditation session to break that up. But he wouldn't accept any help with anything either. He always pushed us away if we tried, snapping at us if he felt we were hovering, and maybe we were, but what else could we do?

I'd never felt so helpless, all I could do was stand by and watch while Leo tried to sort through this on his own. Watch him as he ran into things, trip on things that we'd left on the floor, knock over his water glass at dinner, miss the items on his plate because he couldn't see them. He always left the room whenever the TV was on, not that any of us watched it much these days. Occasionally we'd turn on the news to see what was going on topside, but whenever we did Leo would stiffen, turn abruptly and try to walk as fast as he could to the stairs to go to his room. Mikey didn't even play his video games anymore, they sat forgotten in an out of the way corner collecting dust. Somehow the lair just didn't feel right unless Mikey was blasting space ships and bragging about his high video game scores.

Even Mikey had changed, he didn't joke as much and his face was always set in the tight worried lines that I'd come to hate. Mikey shouldn't look so worried - it wasn't right. Mikey was supposed to be carefree. The one who got on all our nerves, who was always playing practical jokes. Not these days. These days he was serious, ignoring his comic books and putting in extra training hours. I could see Donny look at him with an odd expression, worry in his eyes. That always confused me a little, I was worried about Mikey myself but Donny looked terrified. There was no other way to describe the look in his eyes when he looked at our youngest brother. And if Donny was worried then I was really worried. Was there something going on with Mikey too that Donny wasn't saying? I had decided to keep a closer eye on our youngest brother, just in case.

"You want somethin' to eat, Leo?" Mikey asked as he opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of eggs, the last of the milk and a loaf of bread.

Leo shook his head.

I frowned at him, I knew Leo wasn't eating as much as he should and he was already showing the signs of someone who had lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. None of us had ever been fat, with as often as we trained or had confrontations with the purple dragons, the foot, or street gang we were always in tip top shape. But Leo's muscle span had already begun to deteriorate, the skin on his face clung tighter to his jaw line, easily making the bone visible.

"You should eat somethin', Leo," I said sharply as I finished the last of my cereal and rose to wash out the bowl.

From the corner of my eye I saw Mikey give me a warning look but I ignored it. I wasn't going to sit here and watch my brother waste away to nothing. Even if that mean shoving food down his throat I'd do it. Leo was blind not dead and there was no way in shell that I was going to let him give up. Leo had always been the best of us, the level headed one, the one who took care of this family. And now he was just gonna give up? Let this injury take him - take over him? No way! I wasn't gonna let that happen, I would pull Leo through this, I would help him overcome it, we would get through it together. Even if I had to drag him every step of the way he would pull through this.

Leo's scarred face turned towards me, scowling a little. From this angle I could see the thick ropey scars that now defined his face perfectly. I winced and looked away, unable to stare at those hideous scars that Leo had gotten because he'd been trying to protect me. Those scars that would forever haunt me because they'd never go away and I knew that the guilt they brought with them would never go away either.

"I'm not hungry, Raphael," Leo said irritably, then he rose swiftly, wincing a little as he bumped his knees against the table. I flinched when he gasped but refused to look at him, trying to ignore the sickness that threatened to consume me. I let him leave, my head ducking in shame as I heard his feet shuffling along the floor as he made his way back to the stairs, and probably his room.

"He's getting worse," Mikey said as he cracked an egg against the edge of the frying pan. He dropped the contents into the sizzling butter and grabbed a couple pieces of bread from the bag and put them in the toaster.

"I know," I said nodding once as I tossed the bowl into the sink. It clattered loudly and Mikey flinched at the noise. I turned my back to the sink basin, ignoring my dirty bowl as I leaned my shell against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest, I glowered at my feet chewing my bottom lip.

I had known that Leo was getting worse for a while, he'd begun to deteriorate from the moment he'd opened his eyes and realized that his sight had been taken from him. But I had no idea on how to get him out of his downward spiral. Splinter had told us that we had to let Leo adjust to this on his own, give him time and space, but all that that was doing was making him worse. He wasn't dealing with it - he was trying to ignore it, as if he hoped that it would just go away on its own. We all knew different, and I was sure Leo knew it too, but still he insisted on hiding away from us, refusing to train, and deflecting any help we tried to give him.

"What are we gonna do?" Mikey asked as he turned to me. I looked up at our youngest brother - to his innocent eyes that were wide with concern and fear, to the way his lips trembled, though he tried to press them together to hide it.

I rubbed the back of my head and tried to make my voice as reassuring as I could. "We're gonna do what Splinter said, Mikey, just let him know that were here for him and hope that that's enough to help get him through this."

"He's gonna be ok though - isn't he, Raph?" Mikey asked a bit of that innocence we'd been missing for the past few weeks escaping with that single plea for Leo to be ok. For him to over come this new challenge that had been tossed at him.

I couldn't break Mikey's hope, that last piece of innocence that he was clinging to. To him we were unstoppable. Leo and I had always over come whatever had been thrown our way. We'd had our ups and downs along the way, times that had terrified our family, but we'd always come out on top. How could I tell Mikey that Leo might not do that this time? That Leo might have been taken to the point of no return, a point where Leo wouldn't want to keep going anymore. If I told Mikey the truth it would break him just as badly as Leo was already broken. I wouldn't do that to him - I wouldn't be the one who broke his faith in us.

"Yeah, Mikey," I lied my voice somber but my face set with determination. If it was the last thing I'd ever do I would help Leo get through this. If not for himself, then for Mikey. "We'll get him through this, Leo will be just fine."


"Raph?"

I turned away from the TV that I wasn't watching. Whatever show I'd flipped to while I'd been on autopilot droned on and on while I'd been lost inside my own head. I hadn't even consciously decided to come out here and watch TV, it was something that Mikey usually did - to me the TV was usually just background noise. I'd only ever been interested in watching wrestling matches, and had usually had to fight Mikey over the remote whenever a match came on that I wanted to see. Mikey was usually plopped down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn or other treat while he channel surfed or played his video games. I was usually the one who was pummeling my punching bag and working with the wooden post while Leo went off for his after breakfast meditation and Donny disappeared into his lab until our morning training session.

Donny stood behind the couch now, his whole body tensed with whatever it was he was about to tell me. I could tell from the look on his face that it wasn't good news and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to hear this. How many more blows could our family take? What had we ever done to get dealt this crappy hand anyway?

"What is it?" I asked my voice sounding dull and empty even to me.

Donny looked over his shoulder and I followed his gaze to see Mikey sitting in the far corner with Klunk. He was rubbing the cat under the chin and talking to it quietly. Klunk's tail twitched a little as Mikey pulled out a small piece of string and began to trail it in front of Klunk. The cat watched it for a minute, his back went rigid and his whole body seemed to follow the string's progress for a few seconds before the temptation was too great and he pounced on it. Mikey lifted the string into the air and Klunk jumped up at it, trying to catch it with his two front paws. I frowned at the expression on Mikey's face as he continued with Klunk's game, although Klunk seemed thrilled with the string game Mikey's face was empty, it was as if the lights were on but Mikey wasn't home.

"Can you come in here a minute," Donny said under his breath as I turned back to look at him. "I need to show you something."

"Yeah, sure," I agreed as I sent another worried look at Mikey. The string had now fallen from his fingers and he sat next to Klunk watching him blankly while Klunk amused himself by batting at the string to make it move. I rose stiffly from the couch and followed Donny to his lab.

Donny was leaning over one of the desks where several of his homemade computers sat, their fans sounded loud in the otherwise quiet room. I grabbed one of the empty chairs, swung it around and straddled it, crossing my arms over the back of it and resting my head on my wrists. "What is it, Donny?"

"I was just looking over some of Leo's tests, I've been checking his corneas and lens every few days ever since the accident," Donny explained as he moved the mouse slowly over the mousepad and clicked at something he was looking at. "He's getting worse, Raph. The damage isn't healing well. It's just creating a lot of scar tissue that'll make it improbable if not impossible for him to see again." Donny sighed and looked at me over his shoulder, his body slumped in defeat.

"What are his chances?"

Donny shook his head. "That's hard to tell, less than what it was before - we have to accept the fact that Leo might not ever see again, Raph."

"We can't let that happen, Donny!" I snapped I was on my feet again, although I didn't remember standing. My breathing was suddenly heavy and my hands were balled into fists at my sides.

"I'm not sure what else I can do, Raph," Donny admitted. He turned back to his computer and clicked on something else that only he could see. "If his rate of deterioration continues at the pace it has been then there isn't anything I'll be able to do to stop it."

"Isn't there somethin' you can do about it now?"

"No, Leo's condition is still to delicate, the wounds around his eyes are still too fresh - there isn't anything I could do that wouldn't make him worse. It'll take months for those scars to heal over completely and by then it'll be too late to do anything about Leo's condition."

I scowled at Donny feeling the anger that had been building in my gut for days boil towards the top. "Then what are we supposed to do, Donny? Just sit on our shells and watch while it happens?"

"Raph," Donny sighed and he rubbed a hand over his face, he suddenly looked very tired and I instantly felt sorry for him. Donny had been working almost nonstop since Leo had gotten hurt. He had been trying to help our brother out with this new situation in every way he could, despite Leo's resistance to his help. I knew Donny found that frustrating but Donny kept his own feelings reined in, he knew that Leo was only pulling away because Leo didn't want to face the situation, shell none of us did, but we knew that it wouldn't just go away on its own if we ignored it. And since Leo wasn't facing the reality of the situation the rest of us had to.

"If there was some way to stop this without hurting Leo further trust me I'd do it in a heartbeat. But if we attempt to do something about this now - it would only end up hurting Leo further, we could cause more damage than we would good. This is something we've never dealt with before, something we've never had to deal with before. I'm worried that if we do something blindly that we could ruin any chances of Leo healing on his own. By interfering we could actually just destroy any chance he already has and then we won't be able to do anything to fix it afterward."

"So what do we do now, Donny?" I asked defeated.

"We need to help Leo get used to living a normal life without his eyesight. He can't spend the rest of his life in his room."

"We've been trying, Donny - Leo doesn't want our help!"

"He may not want it, Raph, but he needs it."

"So why aren't you telling Mikey this too?" I snapped as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I think you already know the answer to that question, Raph," Donny said quietly, he refused to meet my eyes but instead concentrated on a spot on the dirty floor.

I frowned at him. How would I know the answer to why Donny was telling me this stuff and not Mikey? Because Mikey was younger? Because Donny was trying to protect him? That wasn't right, if we were going to help Leo adjust to a normal life without his sight he was going to need all of us, not just me, so why was Donny dumping this on my shoulders? Because I was the second oldest? Because I was the top choice for leader if Leo was out of the picture? But Leo was still here! And even though he might not be able to see that didn't mean that his role as 'fearless leader' had gone too.

Maybe it had to do with Leo's condition itself. Because I had been the one to see it happen - I had been the one to make Leo hang on, to stop him from giving up. Did Donny know about that? The only two in the room when I'd made Leo promise not to give up had been me and Leo. Donny couldn't know about that could he? Was it because I'd seen what had happened to Leo when he'd lost his eyesight? Was it because of how Leo lost his eyesight?

And then my body went rigid as I knew I'd hit the mark. Donny was watching me careful and his body tensed a little as he saw my own body stiffen with the realization and reality of the situation.

"He blames me for what happened?" I whispered to myself as I dropped my eyes to the floor.

I wasn't angry, I didn't blame Leo for blaming me. After all if I'd been paying better attention, if I hadn't let my guard down, if I'd just been faster - if I'd moved out of the way in the first place than none of this would've happened.

"Leo doesn't blame you, Raph," Donny reassured as he placed a warm hand on my shoulder. "Leo would never blame you for this. It wasn't your fault - you didn't do anything wrong. Leo did what he did because he loves you - he loves all of us, he'd do anything for us. If anything I think that this is probably the only thing he doesn't regret about this whole situation, the fact that he spared you from having to go through it while he stood idly by and watched helplessly from the sidelines." He squeezed my shoulder gently but I shrugged it off. What he was saying didn't make sense - how could Leo not hate me?

"Raph," Donny hedged and I looked up to see him chewing his lower lip. "You remember when the Shredder attacked us at April's antique shop?"

"Like I could forget it," I snapped impatiently. "What's your point?"

"Well," Donny said slowly he was watching me carefully as if expecting me to remember something on my own. I just frowned at him. "When we got Leo out of there and up to Casey's Grandma's place Leo was in really bad shape - he was barely hanging on and every minute that passed he slipped further and further away from us. Splinter said that it hadn't only been Leo's body that had been injured but his spirit as well. We all started to talk to him, trying to help him come back remember?"

I nodded once I was starting to get really irritated now. What the shell did this have to do with anything?

"Raph, the only one he really responded to - was you," Donny finished quietly.

I frowned at him. That wasn't true - if I remembered right it was Splinter's story that had finally brought Leo around.

Donny held up his hands, stopping me from saying so - as if he could read my mind. "I know what it was that finally brought Leo around, Raph, but it was you he responded to. Whenever you talked to him, were close to him, touched him he'd react. He was alive when you were close to him - he needed you then, and he needs you now!"

I gaped at him, too stunned to respond to that. Donny glared at me for a few more seconds then walked out of his lab, probably to check on Mikey. I couldn't move, I was frozen to the ground I stood upon. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to help Leo through this? Leo had always been the one to take the lead, to get us through the rough patches. Leo's strength had always been enough, but now Leo was the one who needed someone else to be strong, needed me to be strong. But could I do it?

I thought back to all the times Leo had ever been there for me, and the times he had ever not been there for me. There were endless times that Leo had saved my sorry shell, had stopped me from doing something stupid, had comforted me when I needed it the most, and only a couple when Leo hadn't been there - and those were usually because I'd stormed off on my own while Leo stayed behind to help patch something up between my other brothers, usually a fight that I'd started or been a part of. But those weren't very often, there were only a couple that came to mind. I straightened a little an started out of the lab, my jaw set and determined. If Leo could be there for me my whole life, getting me through my roughest patches then I sure as shell wasn't going to give up on him while he stumbled and tripped through his roughest patch. I was gonna help Leo through this, even if I had to carry him on my shell the whole way.


My confidence wavered as I approached Leo's room a short time later, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say to help bring Leo around, to make him see that he needed our help if he was going to make it through this. How does one say something like that to someone who's always been the strongest and most confident? My feet scuffed against the floor and I rubbed the skin on my arms vigorously as if I were cold.

I couldn't let my own insecurities stop me from helping Leo now, even if he didn't think he wanted my help. If what Donny said was true than I was the only one that could get through to him, so I had to try.

Leo's door was open, it usually was these days, if it was closed Leo would often run into it. We kept most of the doors open all the time now for Leo's sake, it just made things easier for all of us and then none of us had the guilty conscience when Leo's grunt of pain echoed around the lair when he ran into a closed door.

"Leo?" I asked as I knocked against the door frame anyway, it still felt awkward just letting myself into Leo's room without his permission. If anyone tried to do that with my room they'd have been tossed out on their shells.

Leo was sitting on the edge of his bed, his blank eyes staring up at the ceiling, I wasn't sure if that was a conscious effort or not, sometimes Leo's eyes just kind of roamed around on their own. Leo was turning something over and over in his hands, something metal and shiny, it caught the light with every turn. I frowned at it, feeling an uneasy clenching in my gut as I approached my silent brother.

Leo sighed as I got closer and stopped turning the object in his hands, his whole body seemed to slump a little as I sat down next to him. His head dropped and he tucked his chin down towards his plastron. "What do you want, Raphael?" He asked in a dull voice, nothing like the tone he usually used when talking to one of us.

I flinched as he said my name. Leo only spoke our full names when he was upset, worried, or angry with us. It wasn't something we really thought about on a normal basis. We'd come up with our abbriviated names at an early age as they'd been easier to say when we'd first been learning to talk. Splinter hadn't seemed to care, though he always called us by our full names.

"Just wanted to see if you were ok, Leo," I said as I casually scratched the back of my head and stared up at the ceiling.

Leo's snort of laughter was forced. "You already know the answer to that. So tell me why you really came up here."

This was going to be harder than I thought, but I knew I couldn't not try to help him. Leo wasn't going to get through this if he didn't let us help him.

"Donny sent you up here to check on me," Leo snapped before I could think of something to say.

"I didn't come up here to check on you, Leo," I said a little defensively. Leo snorted in disbelief and I frowned at him, even though he couldn't see the expression on my face. "Leo, we have to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about," Leo said angrily and suddenly he was on his feet and slowly making his way across the room as if he were going to leave.

Gritting my teeth I leapt to my own feet and quickly hurried after him. I caught him after a couple of steps and turned him around roughly, he staggered a bit and I gripped his arms to help balance him and to stop him from trying to leave again.

"Oh yes we do!" I growled angrily as my fingers dug into the soft flesh of his arms. Leo winced and tried to pull away but I only tightened my grip. I'd had enough of Leo avoiding us because of what happened to him. If he was going to get through this the first thing he was going to have to do was come to grips with what had happened to him rather than always running away from it. And then my blood ran cold, my skin prickled and my jaw opened in surprise as I realized that this was exactly what Leo was doing. He was running away from the problem, trying to avoid it in hopes that it would just go away on its own. He was scared, just like we all were, but instead of facing the reality he was ignoring it, and that was what was keeping us from being able to help him. Because until Leo accepted this he wouldn't let us help him.

Leo took advantage of my moment of hesitation and pulled free of my clenching hands, he rubbed slowly at the spots where I'd gripped him and I was sure that there would be bruises the shape and size of my fingers there tomorrow. But I couldn't worry about that right now.

I breathed deeply as I stared blankly at my brother, his own breathing was heavy and his milky eyes fixed on a single spot on the ceiling as if glued to it. He was still rubbing his arm as if trying to rub away the marks I'd left on his skin, I knew I'd feel bad about those tomorrow. I had to think of something to help him, to get him through this. I'd done the blind thing myself but for me it had only lasted a couple hours and whatever had been in that miniature bomb had not left me with any scars that would forever mar my face. This was so much different for Leo - his blindness was most likely permanent and the scars that were on his face would most likely always be there, they might fade over time but I doubted that they'd ever truly fade away.

But still I could relate to him on some level, I had known what it had felt like to be totally helpless and feeling vulnerable beyond words without my sight when I'd realized with horror that it had been taken from me. I'd been on my own, trying to protect that kid, Tyler I think, while I had been out looking for Splinter after our battle with the Shredder. If Tyler hadn't been there I would have been one dead turtle - he'd helped me get away but he'd had to literally direct me and tell me everything that might have been in my path as we ran across the rooftops. Tyler had helped me, and now it was my turn to help my brother.

"Then spit it out, Raph, and leave me alone," Leo said walking slowly back towards his bed and sitting down on the edge again, he began spinning whatever it was around in his hands his fingers running along the edges. After a minute I recognized it as a shuriken, the sharp edges ran along my brother's fingers and again I felt an uneasy clenching in my gut. Why was Leo playing with it? I rejoined him sitting so close I could feel the heat from his body.

"We're gonna get through this, Leo," I said as confidently as I could muster while not being able to look in his direction.

Leo shrugged in response, turning the shuriken over in his fingers again.

"We can help you, Leo, we can get you through this," I said more firmly this time, wishing that he'd believe these words.

Leo started to laugh, softly at first but then it grew louder and harder, I felt the shock on my face as Leo's laughter got colder and more forced with the passing seconds.

"Raph," Leo finally said when he was done laughing. "You and I both know that we're not going to get me through this. There is no getting through this. This isn't something that isn't just going to go away on its own. This is something I'm going to have to face every day for the rest of my life. There's nothing that you or anyone else can do to change that. I have to figure this out on my own."

Well, at least he saw the reality of the situation. I watched the shuriken spin around in Leo's hands frowning at it a little, unable to look Leo in the face.

"I don't want your help," Leo said quietly after a few minutes of silence. I looked up at him my eyes wide with surprise, then I narrowed them angrily.

"It doesn't matter if you want our help, Leo," I said hotly as my hands automatically balled into fists. "You need our help whether you want it or not. This is something new for all of us, we all have to adjust here, but it'd make things a lot easier for all of us if you'd just let us help you! Like it or not there are some things you won't be able to do on your own anymore, that's something that we all need to work with - but if you work with us rather than fighting against us then we'd be able to help you and in the long run that would help us."

Leo frowned and stopped turning the shuriken, then slowly his head turned in my direction his milky eyes still staring up at the ceiling but at least I knew I'd caught his attention. I knew I'd played a dirty hand, if there was one thing Leo couldn't not do it was help us. No matter what that required from him he'd go to the ends of the earth to do anything for us. He'd always been like that, sure he was a pain in the shell most days but when it came right down to it - Leo was the head of this team. He would direct us in which way to go and he'd never steered us wrong.

"Leo," I said softer now letting my voice become warm and inviting so that Leo would actually hear what I had to say. It was the tone that I rarely used, one when my brothers really needed me, if they were hurt or terrified. Leo needed it now. I placed a hand on Leo's arm, feeling the muscles tense under my touch but Leo didn't pulll away. "I know how it feels, Leo, I do. The helplessness, the endless black - but you aren't alone, bro. You've got us."

"Raph," Leo's voice was barely more than a whisper. I leaned in a bit closer to catch what he was going to say. "I'm scared."

I nodded knowing that feeling all too well myself from when I'd experienced my lack of sight. "I know, bro, but we'll getcha through this. It'll be ok."

Leo shook his head and tried to pull his arm away, this time I let him. He stood up and walked a few paces away from me, his arms limp at his sides, the shuriken falling from his fingers. "You don't understand," Leo whispered his voice even softer now.

I frowned at his shell, confusion pulling the ridges over my eyes together. "What is it?"

I had a feeling that this wasn't about Leo, but about something else. Something else was eating him but I couldn't really understand what that was.

"I'm not going to be able to be there for you guys anymore," Leo's head dropped and his shoulders drooped. "I can't protect you, can't lead you, I'm no go to you guys anymore."

Instantly I was on my feet and at his side spinning him around and gripping his shoulders tightly. "Leo, that isn't true!"

"Isn't it? Tell me exactly what it is that I can do for this team now, Raph!" Leo snapped as he broke my grip on him. He took a couple of steps back and waited half a second. "I can't see! I can't fight! I can't do anything! Shell I can't even eat my own dinner without knocking something over. What good could I do if we ran into Hun or the street gang? I'd stand there and be a target for everyone, so please tell me exactly what is it that I'm contributing to this team these days?"

"Leo, you're our brother - you are always going to be an important part of this team and this family," I said firmly. "There are always ways to work around disabilities, we can work with you - help you learn how to fight without seeing. Splinter is willing to teach you."

"What good would it do in a real fight, Raph? I could turn on you guys just as easily as whoever it is I'm supposed to be fighting."

So this was what was really bugging him? Feeling like he'd betray us in a fight because he couldn't see who it was he was fighting? Not being able to help us? Feeling like he failed us? I should've known, Leo had always been really hard on himself when he felt like he had failed at something.

I grabbed his upper arm, and lead him back to the bed, sitting him down on the edge, Leo didn't fight. Once he was sittiing I sat on the floor in front of him, not touching him, but sitting absolutely still.

"Leo, I want you to really focus and tell me what it is you hear right now. Now just us but everything else."

Leo frowned. "Why?"

"Just humor me," I insisted. I closed my eyes and waited.

"Someone's in the kitchen," Leo said softly and then paused. "Some paper is rustling, maybe a newspaper?"

I nodded, that would probably be Donny reading the paper. "Go on," I instructed.

"The TV is on, Mikey's watching cartoons and Splinter is walking to the dojo I can hear his cane."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. Leo was frowning in concentration and his eyes had closed even though he could have kept them open - it wouldn't have made any difference. "Now, tell me, what do you smell?"

It was quiet for a few minutes while Leo focused. "Burnt bread?"

I laughed a little, it was probably the toast Mikey had made for breakfast that Leo was smelling. "What else?"

Leo's frown deepened. "Stone, leather, water..."

"Keep going," I insisted I knew he could do this.

"Is that you?" He asked after a few minutes.

"You smell me?"

Leo shrugged looking a little confused. "It's kind of a musty smell."

My eyes widened in shock. He thought I smelled musty? "No, Leo that isn't me."

"Maybe Mikey's been hiding food in his room," Leo said with a slight shrug.

I grinned at him. "You see, Leo, your other senses are making up for your lack of sight. The more you let your other senses see for you the better you'll get at this. Just give it time, we can help you."

"You really think I can do this, Raph?"

"You know I do, Leo."

Leo nodded once and sighed. "Ok, then lets get back to work."