A/N: Hey, thanks for a the awesome response. I wasn't sure how well shithead would be received, but I guess not badly.
Just an FYI that this fic is going to be a HEA with ExB, despite a certain beta *cough* Kim *cough* who can't see it. Oh, she of little faith, but hey, if I can get angel Edward and Seer Bella their HEA I can definitely get these two pains in the rear hooked up.
By the way, chapter 1 and 2 are now edited. Thanks, Kimmie. Chapter 3 and this one aren't because the poor chook is feeling under the weather. I'm not horrendous, though. Should be readable ;)
Thanks to Starry8 and Amanda who pre-read.
I'll shut up now. Hope you enjoy.
Hoodwinked
Chapter 4.
"I don't think we thought this out very well," Alice says delicately, and I'm guessing Edward told her what happened because she came over in her usual whirlwind of energy. "I mean, if you're convincing everyone you and Edward are together then there's certain ways everyone will expect you to behave. Edward thought the same thing."
"Yeah..." I agree with a conceding sigh.
"He wasn't attempting to overstep with you, Bella. I mean he's a prick and a total shit stirrer, but I guess he thought that at the Farewell the two of you would be acting like you're legitimately boyfriend and girlfriend and was leading you into it."
I nod and bury my head in my hand to mask my embarrassment. "I know..." I mumble. "I feel like an idiot. And a kid—exactly what he accused me of being."
"What did he call you? A kid?" Alice asks sounding suddenly irritated. "He's one to talk."
"He kissed me and I completely overreacted," I speak up in his defence, which is bloody poetic.
"You weren't expecting it?" Alice assumes gently, and a completely ironic laugh bursts from me.
"I totally wasn't expecting it. I said something about it being sexual assault, and he called me a child and told me to go home."
"God he's an arse!" she snaps, huffing out her annoyance. "He could at least try to be empathetic."
"I am a kid, though, Alice," I murmur, as my skin continues to prickle with mortification. "I can't even pretend to be fooling around with him."
Alice wraps a consoling arm around my shoulder. "It's because Edward's too close. You've known him all your life. Of course it'd be awkward," she attempts to placate me.
"He's right, though..." I admit with a sigh. "Mike broke up with me because of it, and I ended up pissing Edward off, and he's never angry."
"Oh he gets angry, don't you worry. You just have to catch him and Dad at each other's throats."
I shrug, letting my shoulders drop as I expel a resigned breath. "It was a silly idea in the first place..."
"Go with Edward to the Farewell and have a good time. After my photo no one will doubt he's with you," Alice says in encouragement.
"You think it will go unnoticed when we're completely platonic around each other? I don't want to spend the entire night being subject to Jessica Stanley's ridicule," I reply, frustrated.
"Fuck her, Bella," Alice says hotly, picking up her phone to scroll through it. "Don't let her ruin anything."
"I know I shouldn't, but she just gets under my skin!" I admit, feeling my face cloud at the mention of her.
"Well, if you want to throw Edward in her face, as well as Newton's, you're going to have to seriously get it on with him. You know that, right?" she says tactfully.
"Yeah, I know," I acknowledge, "but I think Edward's out."
"Yeah, I somehow doubt that..." Alice implies, the amusement clearly in her voice as she gazes down at her phone.
I tilt my head in confusion, when she holds up her phone in emphasis, and just as mine beeps from the other side of my bedroom floor.
Edward tagged me in another post.
I'm sorry, Bella. Make-up sex, baby?
"Oh, god!" I struggle to keep my voice hushed just as my face bursts into flames. "Alice, my mother will see this."
"Huh? Is she on Facebook?" she enquires.
"No, but she has spies. She saw your photo."
"Oh..." Alice mumbles, fighting the obvious urge to snicker. "What did she say?"
"She gave me her sex manual," I relay, cringing from the continued effects of my mother's enthusiasm for my contrived sex life, and in response Alice bursts into laughter.
"Your mother is so cool." There's a wistful sadness in her voice.
I hang my arm affectionately over her shoulder and change the subject. "Shall I reply?"
"Of course," she replies as if it went without saying.
After retrieving my phone from the place I'd tossed it earlier, I type out a quick reply to Edward's post: Not tonight.
Forgive me? He posts in response along with a sad-face emoji.
I forgive you. Forgive me?
Sure, kid. He replies with a winking emoji, and while Alice laughs I grumble to myself just barely beneath my breath.
You're a smart arse!
Along with a laughing emoji, he posts: Get over here and we'll take a make-up selfie.
"Well come on then," Alice says cheerfully before she hesitates. "But, Bella, are you going to be able to pull this off with him?" It's reassuring to know she has this much faith in me.
"I'll be fine," I assure her.
"Just remember," she reminds me after wrapping her arm around my shoulders and leading me out of my bedroom, "you're just acting."
"Just acting..." I echo.
"You forgot your granny jumper," Edward says ambushing us the moment we walk through the door; holding my cardigan out to me as a wry smirk twitches on his lips.
I sigh heavily but in complete resignation. "Thanks."
His smirk turns to a grin. "So, you over all your anal-retentiveness?" He quirks a brow.
"Shut up, I'm fine," I insist before he grabs my elbow and tugs me toward his room.
"I'm going to call Jas," Alice announces all too conveniently.
I only roll my eyes and allow Edward to pull me into his bedroom.
"So..." he begins, picking up his phone and deleting the pics he'd taken earlier, "why are you so at ease all of a sudden?"
"Alice explained to me how ridiculous I was acting," I admit with a certain degree of humility even as I'm cringing internally.
"Alice explained to you?" he puts to me, that brow of his cocked for added measure.
I nod and half shrug in answer.
"But when I explained it to you, you chucked a hissy."
"That's because Alice can speak to me without mocking me," I point out, and he smiles slightly to himself. It suddenly occurs to me that he's pretty bloody ridiculously good looking. "Ugh..." I burst, without even realising it.
"What?" he queries. "You're not going to be a pain in the neck again, are you?" he concludes.
"I said I was fine," I insist.
With all the disastrous photos from earlier deleted, he sits himself beside me on his bed. "Can you handle just mucking around with me?" he asks and he almost sounds serious.
"Yes," I stand firm.
"You sure, because I don't want you getting all needy on me again." His brow knots, and I scoff.
"Well, I don't want to be an inconvenience, or anything," I say, unsure whether I have the right to be offended by him.
He rolls his eyes. "You already are."
I shove him. "So are you."
The smirk ghosts on his face this time, before it fades. "I just don't want it to complicate shit," he explains.
"...What do you mean?" I ask, confused.
"You're my sister's BFF," he mocks me, quoting it with his fingers. "I've known you all my life. It has the potential to be as awkward as shit."
"So, why'd you agree?"
He shrugs. "'Cause I enjoy messing around with you."
"That's how you'll see it."
He appears to contemplate it for a moment, before his gaze fixes on me and half a smile tugs on his lips. "Well, yeah."
"Okay..."
"Are you going to get all needy, though?" he asks, his eyes trained on mine.
I huff in frustration. "I still don't get your meaning."
"You're not going to get attached to me, or anything?" he elaborates, and I roll my eyes.
"God, you're up yourself. Despite what you've apparently been told, Edward, you're not that irresistible."
"I am pretty irresistible, though," he jokes, his smile playful this time, and I can only shake my head at how self-assured he is.
"Yeah, sure..." I humour him.
"So, hypothetically, if you were really my girlfriend and we were at some fancy event, I'd be doing a lot more to you than that priss-boy, Newton. Anything less and it won't be convincing. Can you handle that?"
"Yeah..." I say, wryly.
"I'm serious," he adds, and if he is or not I'm not sure. "If you start getting all shy and virgin with me all of Alice's photos will mean shit, and if you make a dick out me I'll be pissed off."
"Virgin?" I protest, whacking him. "I'm sorry I even told you."
He laughs. "I already knew, and see? You're hitting me. That's good."
I sigh heavily and in exasperation. "Okay, let's get our make-up selfie over and done with."
"Can I touch you without you freaking out?" he puts to me dryly.
"Yes." I exaggerate it.
"Good," he murmurs, his smirk returning again, "we're finally getting somewhere."
We manage to take some pretty goofy, but convincing photos. It involved me sitting on his lap for the most part, but once I learned to relax and not take things too seriously, I found I almost had fun with him.
Of course he had to go and ruin it, though.
"You know," he says huskily, close to my ear while I sit over what I swear is expanding, "that virgin problem of yours? I can help you out there."
"Oh my god!" I burst, shoving him from me.
Laughing easily, he allows himself to fall back against his bed.
"I'm going to Alice's room," I inform him, making a move toward his door.
"Oi," he blurts out, jumping up and grabbing my hand.
"What?" I ask with a sigh.
"At some point we're going to have to practice how actual couples behave," he says, the grin tugging on his lips again and giving away the fact that he's totally having a dig at me.
"Why do we have to practice?" I ask, feeling my face flash.
"Because you'll no doubt spazz out, or shove me off you, or something virgin like that."
"Can you not say virgin every bloody two minutes," I demand, quickly becoming irritated at him again.
He grins like a total smart arse, but doesn't say anything.
"Just surprise me," I say with a sigh.
"Surprise you..." he mumbles, obviously weighing it up as he rubs his chin. "Like this?" And without warning, and in one motion, he takes a step closer to me, curls his arms around me and bends down to kiss me.
Without thinking about it, I jerk away from him before forcefully pulling from his arms until I find myself flush against the back of his door.
"Like that...?" he murmurs completely bloody impressed with himself having just proven his point.
I huff, both mortified and frustrated at myself. "Okay, well maybe warn me first."
"Warn you? Hm..." He tilts his head to the side, before his gaze once more catches mine. "Okay, I'm going to kiss you." And exactly like a moment ago, he comes rushing at me, pulling me towards him before I can react.
And when I react, I react badly. I instantly wedge my palms into his chest, forcefully maintaining the distance between us and moving my head to the side to prevent any contact between our lips.
"Jesus..." he mutters, and while he doesn't roll his eyes, I can clearly hear it in his voice.
"Slowly!" I snap. "You're coming at me too fast!"
"Slowly?" he echoes me again, arching his brow. "Slowly like we're a couple of twelve year old virgins who've never touched each other before?"
"Stop saying virgin!" I screech. "Seriously, can you help yourself?"
He laughs; it's completely beneath his breath, but enough that it's obviously for my benefit.
"You're an arse," I grumble turning my back on him to open his door, when he puts out both his hands and pushes it closed again.
"Slowly?" he puts to me after I turn back to him, leaving his hands resting against the door above me, as I subtly cower. "You want me to go slowly?"
"Erm...yeah...?" I utter so unsure of myself that it only increases with width of his amusement.
"You sure?" he asks, leaning closer to me still.
"Yeah..." I slink back further against the door, my hand reaching behind me for the handle.
"Last chance, snotface..." He's so close to me now I can feel the heat of his breath wash over my lips, but snotface?
On complete impulse I knee him in the groin, and he reacts like I electrocuted him. He jerks while a reflexive sound bursts from him, before he drops to the floor and clutches his stricken anatomy tightly with both hands.
"Oh—Jesus!" he finally bursts, groaning loudly like he's in bloody labour.
I'm not sticking around to find out, though, and opening the door, I escape to Alice's room.
"Do I really want to know?" she asks, looking up from her phone as she sits in the middle of her bed, relaying her obvious amusement at my expense.
"Edward...might not be talking to me for a while..." I confess, my expression deliberately pained.
She chuckles. "What happened this time?"
"I might have..." I begin when Edward suddenly bursts into Alice's room, making me practically jump out of my skin.
"You wanted me to surprise you, so I did, and that didn't work!" he hollers, even as the pain he's still clearly in makes it difficult for him. "You wanted me to warn you, so I did, and that didn't work, and then you wanted me to go slow, so I bloody did and you fucking took my balls out!"
Behind me Alice starts scoffing back her breath in an obvious effort to stop herself from laughing, while I only gazed at him sheepishly.
"Sorry?" I offer up meekly.
"Sorry," he repeats, almost laughing humourlessly to himself while needing to lean up against the door frame for support.
"What were you trying to do? Kiss?" Alice pipes up, and in response Edward scoffs.
"I kneed you because you called me snotface," I speak up in my defence even as Edward continues to glare at me. "And I...didn't mean to..."
"Seriously, did you do anything with that wanker Newton?" he asks, obviously exasperated.
"Yes!" I insist affronted, before immediately shaking my head and attempting to wind it back. "And...and—it's none of your bloody business!"
Despite how tense and strangled from pain he is, he smirks to himself, and he really is a shithead.
"It's because it's you, Edward," Alice explains, and his eyes leave mine to narrow on hers.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He sounds suddenly offended.
"She's known you her entire life, and every single day of her life you've teased her, pulled her hair, put bugs in her clothes, called her snotface, tripped her over"—the arsehole actually starts grinning to himself—"I mean seriously, of course it's going to be awkward for her," Alice attempts to clarify on my behalf.
"Thank you, Alice," I add, relieved at least that someone can articulate it, just as my message alert tone signals. In silence thanks I pull it from my pocket. It's my mother. "My mum's calling me for dinner. I have to go."
I move to exit Alice's room but Edward remains in the doorway, scowling down at me.
"What? You going to hold me captive as punishment?" I put to him with a small smile.
He releases a breath, shaking his head slightly to himself, then hooks his elbow around my neck and drags me to him. "Come on, Snow White, I'll walk you out."
"Edward—stop being so rough!" I yell, feeling like I'm going to suffocate against his chest, and the sweaty carpenter smell of him that really shouldn't be as appealing as I'm suddenly finding it.
He releases me on the porch, and after straightening out my hair I shove him. "Stop bloody manhandling me all the time!"
Naturally he only scoffs back his amusement, before he says matter-of-factly, "I don't think you can handle it."
"Handle...what?" I ask, but I know exactly what he's getting at.
He scoffs again, but doesn't answer.
"Hi, guys!" My mother suddenly calls out, and when I turn to her, she's standing on our driveway with an overtly animated expression on her face. "Take your time."
"Ugh..." I slide both my hands in my back pockets and hang my head back in frustration.
"What's all that about?" Edward asks curiously. "Hey, Mrs Swan," he replies, lifting his chin and smiling back at her.
"I told her."
He glances back down at me, his eyebrows raised. "The lie or the truth?"
"The lie."
"Ahh..." he appears to contemplate it before shoving both his hands in the side pockets of his pants. "Shall I give her proof?" He cocks a self-assured brow at me.
"Don't you dare," I warn him.
"See? This is what I'm getting at. You want me to pretend we're together, but you refuse to do anything with me."
"I'm not refusing!" I insist, keeping my voice hushed, because no doubt my mother is lurking somewhere close, listening in.
"Bullshit," he says simply, shrugging a shoulder. "And you need to apologise to Mr Doobee."
"Mr who?—what?" I utter in disbelief at how immature he is. "You call your...your penis Mr Doobee?"
"My penis?" He starts laughing. "Holy shit... You are such a virgin."
"I'm leaving!" I take a step away from him when he pulls me back again.
"Close your eyes," he instructs me.
"What? No."
"Just do it," he says, beginning to sound impatient.
"W-why?" I stammer.
"Why do you think?"
"My mother's probably watching," I say in a feeble defence.
"So, let her watch."
"Edward..."
"Snotface..." he imitates me. "Close your bloody eyes."
"Fine," I whisper, and with my heart beginning to hammer furiously, I comply.
I feel his body heat as he comes closer, and then his stubbly face as it slides over mine. "If you knee me again I'm going to grab your tits," he murmurs in my ear, his breath rushing from him as he attempts not to laugh, while I all but tense.
My eyes fly open and I shove him away from me. "You could have kissed me, but instead you chose to give me shit! This is what I'm talking about—what Alice was talking about!" I'm pissed off and flustered, and I've had enough of being called innocent and virgin for one day.
"God..." he mutters, and in the next moment he cups both his hands to my face, angles me to him, and before I can react, his lips are pressed over mine.
My heart stalls, and for a moment I feel suddenly faint. I reach out and grab him, only I'm not sure what to do, or how to respond, when he pulls back, only fractionally, and kisses me again. This time he appears to pause.
"Snotface..." he mumbles against my lips. "Open your mouth..." And with one of his hands still cupping my cheek he attempts to tug open my bottom lip with his thumb.
"Okay..." he eventually pulls back and says with a short, resigned sigh, while I'm practically swaying and plummeting into the seventh circle of Hell. "We'll work on it tomorrow." And placing his palm to my forehead like he usually does, he shoves me backward. "Go home."
I stumble down the single step off the porch, almost losing my foot, before I turn around and head in the direction of my house. I don't look back but I can hear the shithead attempting not to outright laugh at me before the sound of his front door opens and then closes behind him.
"I'm in hell..." I mutter to myself, dragging my legs forward and wanting to die, when my mother pops out from the side of the house. Apparently in the guise of watering her pot plants.
"So?—how was it?" she asks, her face beaming back her obvious pride and excitement. "Do you have pash rash?—I have some cream for that."
"Mum..." I sigh, but I don't have the energy for her. I walk past her toward the door.
"Is he a good kisser? He looks like a good kisser!" she continues to probe from behind me, before encircling her arm around my waist. "My little girl is growing up. Perhaps we should get you on the pill!"
I manage to escape my mother's enthusiasm, though I practically have to slam the bathroom door in her face, and just as my phone pings.
I am a good kisser. You we have to fix. Edward texts to me not thirty seconds later, while I want to melt through the floor with the knowledge he was listening.
I know how to kiss, you just surprised me! Is my pitiful attempt to justify my abominably horrendous reaction to him, and of course Edward only responds with laughing emojis.
I'll get you up to scratch. Don't worry, snotface.
A/N: Thanks for reading, and now I'm off to play The Sims. Got me some lush mods.
P.S., this fic now has a banner. It's on my profile made by the awesome Beegurl13 - who made my Vertigo banners. Go have a suss.
