Desiring
***
"What's with that?" I heard Jake say, nodding to where Dorsey was hanging around Blackheath, getting breakfast. I was waiting for Alex, who was busy with the radio as usual. I couldn't help but listen in to this conversation.
"I dunno. Maybe she's shy," Henry said.
"Dorsey?" Jake said, his voice high with disbelief, "Man, she would just chew him up and spit him out! She can't be interested in him."
"She moons after him like a puppy! Everyone's seen it!"
"What's he waiting for then?"
Henry shrugged.
"Freak," Jake muttered.
That afternoon the snow eased up and Dorsey and I went for a walk along the ridgeline, which the winds kept more or less scoured of snow. I finally had her alone. But she didn't say anything directly about Blackheath till we were halfway back.
"Can you believe he got me with that snowball? Man, he's a good shot," she said lightly, staring at the view.
"Dorsey? About Blackheath… I'm getting the feeling that you like him."
She shrugged, walking on with her hands pushed deep in her pockets.
"Sure I like him."
I frowned at her in frustration. She knew I was no good at these talks and she was giving me nothing.
"I mean more than just like him?"
"Yeah, well… he's not interested," she said softly.
"What? Are you sure? He seems pretty interested to me," I said, thinking of how he looked at her. It was very different to how he looked at me. Dorsey sighed.
"He talks to me, he's nice to me… but that's it. It's like he's just not interested in anything else. Maybe he doesn't date half breeds."
I looked at her, stunned. I got the feeling someone had told her this before.
"No, no I think he's pretty anti any kind of purity theory. He didn't get along with Kelly because she didn't reckon he was pure human enough. That's why he got burnt so bad."
Dorsey kept walking, kicking at the snow.
"Are you sure he knows you like him?" I pressed.
She shrugged again.
"You can only make innuendos for so long before you just feel stupid. He's a good friend. I should just be happy with that." She looked anything but happy.
The sound of pounding drums called from inside the cave, letting us know we were late.
"Come on," she said, and ran the rest of the way. I followed more slowly and by the time I got there, she was lost in the rhythm. I took Ayasha from Bhask and settled down to watch.
I looked for Blackheath; he was hanging around with Henry's friends, listening to their banter. But he was constantly aware of where she was. She only had to look towards the water barrel and he'd be at her elbow with a drink. It's like he was tuned into her, all the time. He must like her. Besides, he was the only one with the stamina and the nerve to stand up to her in an argument, blow for blow.
But she was right. He never started anything. He always waited for her to speak first. He never invited her to do anything he was doing. In that way it was like he wasn't interested. But he obviously was.
With the others, he was always reserved, but talked if he was talked to, retold stories with a dark humour if asked, chuckled at jokes. He never got drinks for anyone else. He was definitely more interested in Dorsey than anyone here.
What was his problem? I wished I could go talk to him, but he stiffened if he even caught me looking at him. The only time he'd talk in my presence was if Dorsey asked him something. I knew he hated Souls, but I was beginning to feel it was something more too. He and Alex had been arguing more and more lately. He thought Alex was compromising too much, that the Souls had too much influence on him. Me, in other words. I remembered running into them when I was looking for Alex the day before.
"You're not Leader of the Free World. You're not leader of the free anything!" Blackheath was saying, his voice almost a snarl, "nothing's free anymore, we have to do everything the Souls say, we have to watch our backs every friggin second-"
"We have both had to compromise," Alex said, and then they noticed me and closed up. Blackheath had stalked off, still furious.
When Dorsey next stopped for a break, she came to stand with me. She was glowing with energy, but peaceful too, centred somehow, and elegant even as she guzzled her glass of water. I caught Blackheath watching her, and he glared at me.
"Why does he hate us so much?" I asked her, watching him leave the cave, "Souls, I mean. He still hates us, even after we healed him."
She sat down beside me and was quiet for a moment, batting Ayasha's fists together.
"You know he was in prison?" she started. I nodded. "He was in prison when the implantations started. The Souls took over the place, and implanted the prisoners cell block by cell block. They called it a new behavior modification program. But everyone knew something was very, very wrong. It was a big place, and it took them weeks to implant everyone. And all that time, they were trapped, waiting, powerless to do nothing but sit and wait for their turn to come. It was worse than death row."
I shivered instinctively. Alex would have gone mad. Could I expect Blackheath to live through something like that and just be normal?
"Man, it's hot in here," Dorsey muttered, "I'm gonna get some air. You coming?"
I walked with her to the entrance, but stopped when I saw Blackheath leaning against the rock outside, hands deep in his pockets against the cold. Dorsey smiled at me in thanks and kept going towards him. She talked to him for a moment; he shook his head and looked away. She hesitated, then walked off. I hated the hopeless slant of her shoulders. I really hated it. I shifted Yashie onto my hip.
"What's wrong with my sister that she's not good enough for you?" I said, barreling over to him. He looked at me, stunned. I never usually tried to make him talk to me.
"She didn't choose to have her sister implanted," I went on belligerently, "It's not her fault. You can't just keep giving her the cold shoulder because of that."
He looked away.
"She's not serious," he said, then glanced back at me. Was there a hint of anxious hope in that glance? His face was always so guarded it was hard to tell. "She just wants a fling. Like she'd go for some crippled burns victim."
I was taken aback; he barely had a limp.
"You're not even giving her a chance!"
"Leave me alone," he growled and walked off into the moonlit snow.
I watched him go, helpless that I couldn't get through to him, couldn't make things right for Dorsey. He liked her, I was sure of it, and she liked him: why did he have to make it anymore complicated than that? But I knew even love wasn't enough sometimes. It had not been enough for Alex to stay with me when I was pregnant, and it wasn't enough now to get his mind off his job for our supposed holiday. I moped back into the main cave and watched from the shadows as Alex drummed with the others, filling the hot space with vibrations that forced your heart to move in time.
