AN: Review are nice. I need a Beta!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Edward. But I do own my dog and he has nice eyes too. He makes me happy.
Bella POV
I closed my eyes. Never had I wanted to die so much. If I did I would not have to feel. I willed myself to pass out. I held my breath hoping but this action brought me nothing but haunting images. Slide after slide disturbing pictures and scenes flashed across my eyelids. The horrid faces that taunt me relentlessly. Teasing my self-control. Trying to force me to expel my anger and frustration.
I felt everything even through the numbness that overcame my body. Something said to be so pleasurable holds no pleasure for me in any way. Slowly my body started to react. As each minute passed the horrifying pleasure seem to seep through the cracks in my so carefully formed wall in my mind. The sick feeling of pleasure makes me nauseous. It disgusts me to no end that I can achieve any form of pleasure from this. But after all I am a sick, fucked up being.
When Mike finally finished he pushed himself from on top on me and stood. As he redressed himself he started talking but all I can hear are mumbled words. Its like a raging ocean in my ears. Flooding my senses and making me incoherent. I didn't move and I didn't want to. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I felt almost dead.
"You know you wanted it so don't play that ' I'm a victim' shit. And if you tell anyone I will kill you." he said, then turned toward the door and left. Left me alone, broken and dead. Hours and hours passed by and I just laid there. I didn't move and I didn't think. For hours I laid on that very bed. I didn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes they were there haunting, taunting, laughing. As if this was the comedy of the year.
Soon enough I saw the bright beams of the sun as it cast its rays of sunlight through the deep purple curtain. Mechanically I got up and got dressed. It was like a reflex reaction. I didn't think about getting up and I didn't intend on acting on it. I was fully content with the thought of lying there and staving to death. If there even is a God apparently he wants me to continue suffering. As if this is not enough, he just wont let me die. What have I done in my lifetime that was so horrible that I deserve this? I wish God would tell me who I've wronged so that maybe I can make amends.
I left the room and even with the slightest movement pain still coursed through my body. Making my chest tighten and my heart clench. As I descended the steps my body succumbed to each and every wave of pain almost crippling me. When I made it to the bottom I breathed a sigh of relief but immediately regretted my action as the right side of my upper body throbbed with pain that I failed to realize, until now.
I made my way to the door and the house was empty. All that remained as proof that this wasn't a dream were the empty beer cans scattered across the floor almost covering the dark wood from sight. I exited the house and began the painful walk home. The bright sun burned my eyes but I made no move to shield myself. As I walked everything around me was silent. The world seemed dead. Almost as much as I felt. Even the annoying chirps of birds seemed to me non-existent in my world of exile. I walked and walked, slowly and never changing my pace. The walk seemed to go on for days and never seemed to stop. Id I even want it to. Minutes later I saw the white and green house that I currently reside in, come into view. Soon enough I was at the doorstep. Carelessly I unlocked the door and walked in. Letting the door slam itself shut behind me. At this point I really didn't care if I was heard.
I saw Charlie sitting in his chair but I didn't acknowledge him at all. I continued on through the living room and walked past him. He grabbed my wrist tightly wrenching my body back toward him. The sudden force of the movement made the slowly dulling pain in my side flare up like a raging fire. I looked at Charlie and his eyes were dark with rage and his grip on my wrist tightened as he started to talk.
"Where have you been?" he shouted in my face. The stench of his morning breath laced with alcohol fanned my face almost chocking me. The smile that erupted on my face and the following laughter that emitted from me sounded foreign and angered him further.
"Out." I said as a reply to his question.
"No shit Bella! I came to your room early this morning and you weren't there. Where were you?" He shouted again. Once again the stench emitting from his mouth made me gag with laughter and disgust.
"I left out early this morning before you woke up. I went to the library." I said sarcastically in an innocent voice.
"Bullshit Bella! Your bed was still made. You did not sleep here last night. Stop playing with me."
"Believe what you want Chief. But I'm tired of this interrogation so I'm going to bed." I said while I tried to pull my hand from his grip. But I was no match for his strength as his grip tightened. By now I cant even feel my hand. And the blood flow restriction make my arm tingle and burn.
"You will tell me where you were and who you were with!"
"Was that a command? Who do you think you are my mother? She's dead remember." I shouted in anger. The memories I still held of her flooded my mind. I had a killer headache. So many memories, thoughts, and images. My mind felt clouded and blocked with the amount of emotion. My head felt as if it will explode momentarily.
"You are my daughter and you are my responsibility. You live in my home and you will not speak of you mother to me ever again." The anger rolling off him increases, threatening me of impending danger. But I ignore it as my own anger flares.
"Its all your fault she's dead. I'm not your daughter. You don't own me. You never cared about me so don't act like you do now. Drop the fucking act Charlie." I spat back at him. I ignored the pain in my side and wrists. But the worst pain I felt was the pain in my heart. All the emotions and thoughts that I've worked so hard to repress are filling my heart, since I have no more space in my head. As my heart swells with pain and anger my chest starts to heave and I can barely breath. I try taking long deep breaths but it doesn't help. My heart feels as if it will explode in my chest. Hopefully it will and end my life. I saw his hand moving at lightning speed and then I felt it collide with my face.
"Do you feel better now?" I screamed at him trying to keep my tears at bay. The throbbing pain in my cheek failed to faze me. I didn't feel anything. "Go ahead hit me again and see how you feel then. Come on do it. It won't be the first time somebody hit me."
"I'm so sorry Bella. I didn't mean that." he apologized as his tears formed in his eyes.
"It feels good doesn't it? To have power. You feel superior don't you? Don't you feel the adrenaline? Come on Charlie keep going. Why you stopping now? You're just getting started. Finish the job. You want to teach me a lesson? Come on then. Why are you holding back? I'm right here. This is your now or never Dad!" I continued screaming. He seemed sad and broken as if he regretted what he said and did. He might have but I was so infuriated that I really didn't care what he felt. Right now was my turn. My time to release some anger. I wont hit him but I sure as hell will break him down emotionally and mentally. I will destroy him, piece by piece. I thought of everything I could put together to hurt him. And I continued to stab at the unclosed wound he has had for so long.
"You let mom leave and you let her take me with her. You didn't call to see if we were okay. Shit the least you could have done was check to see if we were alive. But no you were to busy wallowing in your own self pity. So what, she left you. Its not like you even tried to fight for her. You didn't make adjustments for her. Love is sacrifice, Charlie. You were too caught up in your going fishing and watching baseball, to see that your wife was alone. Every time you left for work she felt abandoned. Your a damn cop. Everyday she waited for the call saying that you had been shot or attacked on the job. And when you came home you watched the game and went to sleep. Did you ever think about her needs? The mother of your child goes before anything and everyone else. Not baseball and fishing with Billy. So it's your fault she's dead, just as much as it's mine."
"It wasn't like that. I didn't see what I was doing, and its not like she tried to tell me." He said.
"Save it." I said coldly as I started for the stairs. When I got in my room I crashed on the bed. As tired as I was I didn't sleep, I couldn't. At no time before now had the ceiling held so much interest for me. Day became night and night became day, and so on. I didn't speak. I didn't live. I didn't think. It hurt too much.
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