Well, how's life, my peeps? It's PK2, back again, once again! Like I do every single time, let me give thanks to my reviewers! First, up, InterestSparked, glad to see that your InterestSparked for this story! (Gets shot) I'm sorry, I just had to, hope you won't mind me making a pun out of your username. And Animeseris, let me tell you, when I saw your review I began laughing out loud. Thanks for sticking with me! And now, let's go! But first, a disclaimer, today featuring Ike!
Ike: (Reading the first chapter with a confused expression) What the…?
PK2: Something wrong?
Ike: Why is Ness my son? AND WHY IS SAMUS MY WIFE?
PK2: Because, story. NOW SAY THE DISCLAIMER!
Ike: (Sighs and rolls eyes) PK2 does not own Smash Bros or Harry Potter.
"WARLOCK… PUNCH!"
The door blasted open with an explosion large enough to kill a cat. When the dust settled, a shadow could be seen in the wake of the moonlight, apparently laughing, The figure then quieted, and then stepped into the hut so they all could see him.
To say that the man was a giant would be understandable. His head touched the roof of the house, almost driving it to the point of collapsing. His skin was as black as the night that he had appeared from, but his hair was the color of fire. He wore clothes like a king's, and his arms looked like they could crush a motorcycle. His scowl was stiffer than stone.
The giant lowered his head so that he could step into the hut. He took a strange key out of his hand, pointed it at the doorway, and a new door magically appeared. He then faced the Bonds and Ness.
"Would it kill ya folks to keep a pot of coffee here for me? The journey's been horrendous."
He then proceeded to Porky's bed; Porky sat on the structure looking ready to pee his pants.
"Move, you pot of Play-Doh." the stranger snarled. Porky ran behind his mother, who in turn was hiding behind Uncle James.
"And look who it is- Ness!"
Ness looked up to see that the stranger's growl had been molded into a ginormous grin.
"I still remember the last time I saw ya- you were no more than an infant! "the giant chuckled. "You got a lot of your papa's features, but you inherited your eyes from your mama."
Uncle James made a noise that sounded like a washing machine breaking down, and then pulled out a tranquilizer dart.
"Sir, you are breaking the law! LEAVE AT ONCE!" he screeched.
"Ah, shut up, Bond, you big ol' pumpkin." The giant countered. He then plucked the tranquilizer out of Uncle James' hands and wrung it like a towel. This made Uncle James make a noise like a dying bull and sit down.
"Anyways, Ness," the giant turned back to him. "Happy birthday. Got you something-it might have been run over by a bike on the way here, but it's the best I could manage."
He handed Ness a slightly crumpled-up box that contained a vanilla cake with white icing on it. It also said Happy Birthday, Ness in yellow icing.
Ness tried to say thank you, but what came out instead was "Who are you?" This made the giant snort.
"Ah, sorry, I forgot my manners. Ganondorf Gerudo, The Gateskeeper of Smash Mansion, at your service." He then shook Ness's whole arm with his hand.
"Now what about that coffee, then?" he grunted. He noticed the measly fireplace, scoffed, pulled a coffee pot out of his jacket, as well as some china cups, china plates, and two packages of frankfurters. He muttered something over the fireplace, and it soon began to blaze. He then proceeded to make coffee and frankfurters. Porky reached out for one, but got slapped by Uncle James. The giant then replied with "That son of yours already broke the weight scale- he don't need more fattening."
He passed some sausage and coffee to Ness, who ate and drank it like it was his first meal. But he couldn't take his eyes off of the giant. He then said "Er… I don't know who exactly you are."
The giant scarfed down his sausage before answering: "I'm Ganondorf Gerudo, but please, call me Ganondorf- everyone does. And I'm the Gatekeeper of Smash Mansion, which you already know about."
"What's the 'Smash Mansion?'" Ness questioned.
Ganondorf's scowl returned. "Oh, sorry." Ness squeaked.
"It's not you who needs to be sorry, IT'S THEM!" Ganondorf rounded on the Bonds. "I knew you weren't giving him his letters, but you didn't tell him about the Smash Mansion? THE PLACE WHERE HIS PARENTS LEARNT IT ALL?"
"All of what?" Ness asked, which only made Ganondorf snarl at the Bonds. "DID YOU TEACH THIS BOY ANYTHING?"
"I… I can do exponents… and other things…" Ness squeaked. "I mean about my world. Your world. Your parents' world." Ganondorf explained. "What world?" Ness asked, making Ganondorf's face go redder than his hair.
"BOND!" he roared, making Uncle James squeak out something like "Numa Numa"* Ganondorf then turned back to Ness.
"But you must know about your parents." Ganondorf began. "They're famous, you know. And so are you." "They... They are? "Ness asked, which was the last straw for Ganondorf.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!" He screeched, causing Ness to cower in fear.
Uncle James then found his voice. "STOP! DON'T CONTINUE! I BEG OF YOU! DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!" he screamed.
"Says the man who never told Ness what was in the letter that Mario left for him; the letter that I saw him leave." Ganondorf growled.
"What was in what letter?" Ness asked.
"FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, DON'T CONTINUE!" Uncle James yelled in horror. Aunt Joanna screeched in shock.
"Do me a favor and go bake your livers, OK?" Ganondorf scoffed. "You're a Smasher, Ness."
The house was silent.
"I'm… I'm a what?" Ness was able to force out.
"A Smasher, of course, and a mighty strong one!" Ganondorf flopped down on the ratty couch. "But with parents like yours, who wouldn't be as strong as you? And you've been waiting too long to get your letter."
Ness gasped as he saw a letter in Ganondorf's hand. He reached out to take it; it was labeled to Ness Greil, the Floor, The Cottage on the Hill, Lake Erie, Michigan. He tore it open and read:
SMASH MANSION, SCHOOL OF SMASHING
Top-Tier Man: Mario Shroomer (Order of the Master Hand, First Class, Too Many Other Titles to Name)
Dear Mr. Greil,
We are delighted to inform you of your acceptance to The Smash Mansion, School of Smashing. Inside you will find a list of all of your needed equipment. Term will start on September 1st; your Staraptor is due on June 20th.
Sincerely,
Lucina Yillise, Second-in-Command of the Smash Mansion
"What does it mean, my Staraptor is due? What even is a Staraptor?" Ness asked.
"Oh yeah, almost forgot." Ganondorf muttered. From his pocket he pulled out an alive black-and-white hawk with a red hair tip; Ness assumed that this was a Staraptor. Ganondorf also pulled out some stationary and a pen which he used to write:
Dear Mario,
Given Ness his letter, will take him to get his stuff tomorrow. Weather sucks. Hope you're fine.
Ganondorf
Ganondorf rolled up the note and handed it to the Staraptor, who flew off with it into the wind. He then opened his mouth to continue, but Uncle James stopped him.
"He's not going." He snarled.
"Like a Contra like you can stop him." Ganondorf grinned.
"What's a Contra?" Ness asked
"Non-Smasher folk." Ganondorf answered. "And you had to be dumped with the biggest Contra family I ever saw."
"We swore when we adopted him that we would rub that senseless class out of him! Smasher indeed!" Uncle James snarled.
"You knew?!" Ness screeched. "You knew that I'm a Smasher and you never told me?!"
"OF COURSE WE DID!" Aunt Joanna's screech startled everyone. "With my sister being what she was, how could you not? She got a letter exactly like that one, disappearing and returning every summer with pockets full of cat droppings, turning plates into Chihuahuas! I was the only one who saw her for the freak she truly was! But my parents wouldn't have it. Samus this and Samus that- they were honored to have a Smasher in the family!"
She took a rattling breath and continued on gleefully; she was finally getting the chance to vent out her problems.
"And then she met that Ike Greil there and they hooked up and had you. It was certain that you would be just like her, and then, if you please, she had to go and be fried to a crisp JUST SO SHE COULD DUMP YOU ON US!" she screamed.
Ness lost his ability to speak. He finally managed to stutter "Fried… Fried to a crisp? YOU TOLD ME THEY DIED IN A FLOOD!"
"FLOOD!" Ganondorf suddenly roared. "HOW IN THE NAME OF THE MASTER HAND COULD SAMUS AND IKE GREIL DIE IN A FLOOD? YOU HAVE DISGRACED THEM! NOT TO MENTION, YOU HAVENT TOLD NESS HIS STORY WHEN ITS KNOWN BY EVERY SMASHER KID OUT THERE!"
"What happened?" Ness asked, making Ganondorf's gaze soften.
"Oh, god, I didn't know you'd know so little." Ganondorf muttered. "Well, you see, Ness, a long time ago, there was this Smasher who went… bad. Badder than bad. More horrendous than Satan. His name was…" he shuddered.
"I hate saying the name…" he muttered.
"Can you write it down?" Ness inquired. "Nah, it sucks to even write it. OK, I'll say it, but only once… Andross." Ganondorf shivered. "Never force me to say it again. Anyways, this… this Smasher went hunting for followers about twenty years ago. He got them too; some out of fright, some were lusting for power, cuz boyyy did he have a lot of it. It was the Dark Ages; you couldn't trust nobody." Ganondorf inhales before continuing, this time with more joy in his voice.
"Now, your parents were the finest Smashers of their day- the Junior Heads of their Company! One of the greatest mysteries is why the Unnamable didn't get to them sooner- probably too close to Mario for his liking. But he had a plan to turn them, or so they say, and so on Christmas Eve he headed over to the town where your family lived. At the time, you were only nine months old…"
Ganondorf nearly broke down. "Sorry.. Your folk were too nice…" He continued with tears dripping down his face.
"The Unnamable murdered them. And then- this is where it gets weird- he tried to kill you too. But he couldn't. It's a mystery to this day. Didja ever think about that scar on your head? That can only be made when someone survives a powerful Final Smash, or killing curse. No one was safe once they got on the Unnamable's hitlist- so many powerful families were killed- and you weren't even a year old, and you survived." Ganondorf whispered the last part of the sentence.
All this time, Ness's head was hurting. While Ganondorf finished his story, he had the vision of the blue light and tiles again, except now he could remember something else- a menacing laugh of triumph and insanity.
"I rescued you from the wreckage. Sent you to this slaughterhouse…"
"Load of bullcrap." Uncle James startled them- they had forgotten that the Bonds were even in the room.
"Now, boy, I always knew there was something strange about you, but there's nothing a good whipping won't fix." He growled with the eyes of a serial killer. "Your parents were the exact same. Truth be told, they are better off dead."
"Say that again…" Ganondorf taunted while aiming a flashlight at him. Uncle James lost his courage and sat down.
"Ganondorf… Thanks for telling me. But what happened to Andro- I mean, the Unnamable?" Ness inquired.
"That's a great question, Ness. He disappeared the same day- that's truly why you're famous. Nobody knows why it happened. Nobody knows what happened to him. Some say you killed him- which is a load of bullcrap, the devil can't die. Others say he's still out there, that's more sensible. Either way, it doesn't change the fact that you made history." Ganondorf stared at Ness with admiration.
Ness, however, doubted all of this. According to Ganondorf, the Smashers were powerful beings with the capability to punish the strongest men. If that was so, then why had he allowed himself to get tormented so easily by his aunt and uncle? Why did he let Porky push him around so much?
"Sir… You've made a mistake. I can't be a Smasher." Ganondorf chuckled and simply said "Consider the following: Do you remember anytime that you made something weird happen when you were down?"
In fact, Ness did remember times like those: in preschool, he had made a bully grow a clown nose when the bully stole his teddy bear, he melted snow and wetted Porky and his pals after they threw snowballs at him, and how else would he have been able to set that gorilla free?
"See, Nessy boy? At the Mansion, you'll be a st-"
"He'll go over my dead body." That was Uncle James.
"A big ol' Contra cannot stop Ike and Samus Greil's son from going to the Mansion- his name's been down since before he was born!" Ganondorf snorted. "Seven years there and he'll forget you ever existed. He's gonna be with fellows of his own kind, and he'll be learning under Mario Shroomer, the greatest Top-Tier Man ev-"
"I AM NOT SENDING HIM OFF TO BE TAUGHT BY SOME LOONEY-TOON WACKJOB!" Uncle James yelled.
He had crossed the line. Ganondorf snarled before taking out his flashlight and spinning it around and yelling "Listen, mister! YOU WILL NEVER INSULT MARIO SHROOMER WHILE I AM AROUND!"
He fired the beam at Porky, who was too surprised and too slow to escape it. There was a burst of smoke, and when it cleared, Porky stood howling in fear with sloth claws instead of fingernails. Uncle James and Aunt Joanna screamed in shock. Uncle James gathered his family up, and with one last terrified look at Ganondorf and Ness, left the cottage.
"Sorry 'bout that, I tend to lose my temper." Ganondorf sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "I was gonna turn him into a sloth, but he was the near spitting image of one- the only thing missing was the claws." Ness instantly knew that they were going to be fast friends.
"Please don't mention that to anyone at the Mansion- not allowed to do any Smasher tricks. I am allowed to do stuff like deliver letters." Ganondorf begged suddenly.
"Um… Sure. But why aren't you allowed to do Smash moves?" Ness asked. Ganondorf sweatdropped. "Oh… I went to the Mansion myself…but I was expelled in my fourth year. They broke my Controller, or smash weapon, and everything. Mario made me the gatekeeper tho- he's a great man." "Why were you expelled?" Ness inquired, but Ganondorf gave him a look that told him to drop the topic.
"It's getting late. Let's get to bed- tomorrow's gonna be real busy." Ganondorf threw his jacket to Ness. "Be careful, I might have some poisonous spiders in there."
*Otherwise known as the Greatest Viral Video Ever.
That was really good! I finally get to stop writing so much dialogue for the Bonds! God I hated writing all of their dialogue… And we get to meet more Smashers! So, on that happy note, see ya later!
