D is for Dating

(xXErineilXx, ENJOY!)

"One question," Hoffman looked at Zepp from the door of the Italian restraint. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Hoffman," Zepp opened the door. "It was – if I remember correctly – your idea to meet up with the girls we've been talking to on IM. If we end up getting raped by men that are older than us, it's all your fault for not being Cybersafe."

"Uhh..." Hoffman said slowly, following him inside. He was becoming more and more apprehensive as time went on.

"Look, just try not to be as weird as usual, ok? You might scare them off." Zepp instructed Hoffman as they took off their coats and hung them up.

Hoffman was offended. "Hey I'm not – " A tray of muffins was carried past them and Zepp rolled his eyes as Hoffman became distracted.

"Don't have an orgasm." He muttered sarcastically as they went into the main room.

It was pretty quiet – it was raining heavily outside (no-one's idea of a romantic evening) so the restraint was empty except for a handful of elderly couples and –

Hoffman did a double take. Amanda and Strahm were sitting together in a booth near the window. Strahm shrank in his seat at the look Hoffman gave him, but Amanda just gave him a bright, cheerful wave with a smile to match.

"What's wrong, Detective?" Zepp asked mockingly.

Hoffman rounded on him. "You knew about this, didn't you?"

Zepp laughed. "Oh, relax. Amanda clearly just wants to piss you off for going out with someone other than her - and she knows its working!"

"Shut up..." Hoffman growled under his breath as he gave the room another discrete sweep for the two girls they were meant to be meeting up with; 'MuffinMania' and '3Zepp3'.

The only reason he noticed the two teenagers sitting in the corner booth was the rainbow sweater one of them was wearing. It was striped in bright slashes of colour and off one shoulder, with a little green owl pendant hanging on a silver chain round her neck. Her green eyes were made slightly darker by her hair, which was dyed a rich chocolaty brown. Apart from the sweater and the gold-and-black pumps, those were the only bright items of clothing: black skinny jeans emphasised her leg shape and a Goth-style lightweight trench coat – which she clearly couldn't be bothered to hang up – lay screwed up in a corner.

The other girl looked slightly more formal. Her black hair was tied back in a scruffy ponytail, and she was applying a layer of mascara around her dark eyes. She was wearing a purple silky dress with a large purple bow in the corner of the neckline which left no room for a necklace. She was wearing silver high heels and had a similar coat to the other girl except that it was red and double-breasted.

There was one thing on each of them that was exactly the same – a charm bracelet with the following charms: a muffin, a jigsaw piece, a crab, an owl, a blobby-shaped piece with a lion and a tiger engraved onto it (presumably Kenya), and a seagull.

"Oh," Hoffman groaned. "My God."

"What?" Zepp asked.

Hoffman kept his head buried in his hands. "Zepp, you know what you were saying about being 'Cybersafe'?"

"Uhh...yes?"

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"...Both."

"Good news: they are the right gender and they are not older than us."

"Oh, ok. And the bad news...?"

"The bad news is, we're older than them. They're teenagers."

"WHAT?"

Hoffman felt relieved with that reaction – and then he saw Zepp's grin. "Zepp, this is not a good thing!"

"Trust me, this is good." Zepp patted him on the shoulder. "You can probably still get off with Amanda, and in the meantime we can have a pretty good evening."

Hoffman stared. "Are you suggesting we – "

"'Course not, you paedo! No, we just explain the misunderstanding, we eat, we foot the bill and then we part ways."

Hoffman replaced 'I'm not a paedo!' with "You sure 'bout that?"

Zepp shrugged. "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not going anywhere."

"Like I said, you sure 'bout that?" Hoffman mumbled as he followed Zepp in the direction of the table.

Girl-With-Purple-Dress saw them coming and smiled. "Oh, hi Zepp."

Zepp stopped dead and stared. "...How do you know it was me?"

"Oh trust me," Girl-With-Sweater fished around in her handbag and pulled out a muffin, which she began to eat. "We've been watching you for a very long time, and – "

"Ooo, muffin!" Zepp elbowed Hoffman hard in the ribs, and the two girls laughed.

"I'm Izzy." Said Girl-With-Purple-Dress. "And that's Amy."

Amy – formerly known as Girl-With-Sweater – gave a little wave and bit into her muffin.

"Do you have any more of those?" Hoffman asked, trying – and failing – not to sound too eager.

"Yup," Amy fished around in her handbag again. "They're my favourite accessories." She pulled out one. "Sorry, I've only got blueberry left."

"That's ok." Hoffman accepted graciously. Biting into it – forgetting to take off the wrapper – he sat down in the booth next to Amy.

Zepp looked at Izzy. Izzy grinned. "So, do you like HSM?"

Zepp grinned back. "Yes, I certainly do." He sat down next to her.

This was shaping up to be a perfect date...

An hour or so later

"We're leaving already?" Whined Strahm.

Amanda glared at him, incensed at last beyond reasoning. Her plan to make Hoffman jealous clearly hadn't worked, and Hoffman clearly was having a better time than she was, so there was no point in her staying. She glanced across at their table. Hoffman noticed her looking and gave her a wave. Amanda ignored him and stalked out.

Hoffman raised his eyebrows at Amy, who shrugged. "Meh."

"If I were you," Izzy said, sipping her J2O. "I would go after her.

"And why would I do that?" Hoffman asked.

"Hoffman, she's bloody crazy about you!" Zepp burst out. "And besides, it'll get Adam and Lawrence off your back about the whole gay thing..."

Hoffman had to agree with the last comment.

"You know, the most romantic moments always happen in the rain..." Amy commented absently, gazing out of the window. Lightning was followed instantly by a crash of thunder. "...Can I take that statement back?"

Hoffman didn't answer: he was already out the door.

Lawrence and Adam ducked back out from under the table as Hoffman left.

"That was close." Adam sighed with relief.

"Indeed," Lawrence re-opened his menu. "You wanna order?

"OI, AMANDA!" Amanda sighed and turned around to see Hoffman jogging towards them.

Strahm stepped in front of her. "Sorry, pal, but she's going out with me!" He spat.

Hoffman just looked at him. "...You know exactly what I'm going to say. Just squeak and run away, as always."

Strahm complied.

"Look," Hoffman took another step forward. "Do you want to come off the brea – oof!" Amanda had wrapped him in a bone crushing hug and it had just become impossible to speak – or breathe, for that matter.

"Ah well, at least that's sorted out!" Hoffman breathed as soon as Amanda let go, relieved that his ribcage was still intact.

And then he saw Lawrence and Adam leaving the restraint with a takeaway. "HA! I KISSED A BOY – "

Adam and Lawrence saw him, threw caution to the winds; the takeaway hadn't even hit the floor before they were on him.

"HEY, THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, BIATCHES!" Amanda shrieked, joining in the fight. Strahm ran back and started eating the takeaway, and his scream was cut off when Lawrence and Adam sprang to defend their dinner, with Amanda and Hoffman following in hot pursuit.

Izzy and Amy watched the group of struggling people with Zepp.

"Zepp, you wanna join in?" Izzy asked.

"Oh, how well you know me..." Zepp grinned wolfishly as he rolled up his sleeves.

"Why didn't you ask meee?" Amy asked, pouting.

"Because I know you want to already...remember your fight with Georgina of her beret?" Izzy asked.

"Oh yeah..." Amy brightened. "I've still got the bruises!"

"GERONIMO!" They all shouted as they entered the fray, using the 11th Doctor's favourite word.

Chaos ensued, until two pairs of familiar feet were spotted and the sopping wet group looked up slowly from their puddle in the gutter.

John turned to Jill. "...For once in my life, I'm not even going to ask."

"For once in my life, I agree with your point of view." Jill agreed with him.

They went inside the Italian restaurant.

I'm hoping you know what Doctor Who is...

Please review and give me some ideas...E, anyone?