Chapter 4: The Needle And The Damage Done
I couldn't sleep for nights. I had difficult resting after that event. I had too much on my mind. Really, I couldn't get him off my mind. That kiss, that night. I didn't dare to ask if he remembered, because I surely did. I had to take days off from work since I lacked of sleep. He didn't figure out why I was this way. I'm usually quiet and invent some kind of reason which everyone believes since they think I'm so honest.
I lay in bed, watching the ceiling, wondering what was going on with me. Why do I feel this way? Why am I wanting more than that simple kiss? Why do I want to make it much deeper, more passionate, holding him, feeling his body against mine while I touch every inch of his skin, untie his long, silky golden hair, bring him in my bedroom, kiss his neck, unbuttoning his shirt, pinching his pink nipples, making him moan, hearing his pants, his whispers, whispering my name… Whoa. I had stopped thinking all this. Why was I thinking all this? It's not normal. I needed to consult someone for these feelings. But who? Who was I to tell these feelings which are forbidden? Only one can forgive. I headed towards the church, even if I believe in the Darwin theory, I still had hope for heaven that God would offer me.
I walked in the streets, the weather started to become warmer since it was the beginning of May, the roads were half empty, no cars. Everyone was either working or inside their home doing spring cleaning. The church seemed so lonely, no one would go there in mid of day except for confessions. I would enter those large doors, walk down the silent hallway, install myself in the sin booth, take a deep breath and speak out:
"Father, I have sins."
In a calm voice, the man spoke:
"I will be listening and so will God."
I started breathing heavily, my palms were sweaty, my heart pounding inside my head. I didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say… I took a final breath:
"… I have lust, desire for a man. Ever since he kissed my lips, I cannot get it out of my mind. I know it's wrong, I know what I think, what I do is wrong. I was also attracted to him before the kiss, but now it just makes me so confused…"
"My son… these sins…"
"Yes, Father… I'm sorry… I wish advice…"
He paused.
"… you must get away from him… he is no good news for you… find a woman… try to love her… get married… have children… God will forgive you then…"
I found myself in a situation where I had to force myself escaping from reality, which is something my father often reminded me.
"Alright… that is what I will do. Thank you Father."
I exited the cabin, heading towards the exit as I was pulled back. The Priest looked at me, giving me a paper. He walked away, and took a look at the paper which a name and address was written on it: Magnus Hirschfeld.
I wasn't sure if it was an address to consider or not, since I felt like it was a man who I might not enjoy. I decided to go the next day, just because my curiosity told me so. Now, I had to return to Edward, tell him what was going on, the truth and what we were going to do about it. There's no way I would force myself in marriage, especially with someone else than Edward.
As I arrived in the apartment, Edward was already sitting down at the table, lifting his eyes off the ground when I arrived. His worried look disappeared into a smile as he got up and walked towards me:
"Alfons…"
This happiness to see me, I had never had this before. I wanted to have this feeling forever… somewhere I was wanted. I walked towards him, pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly as I began to cried:
"… why… why did you do this to me…?"
I could feel his body shaking, his hands hanging in the air, ready to hold me but unsure to… I gripped unto his shirt firmly. I felt my knees weakened, but I pulled away my head to look at him.
"… why did you turn me this way…?"
I wasn't sure of these feelings, this new feeling inside of me. Why I liked men, I didn't understand what it was. Was it a disease? Was it a bad cold that I eventually get rid of it? He just stared at me, unsure how to answer. His mouth open, but nothing would come out. I kept on going:
"… why do I love you…?"
That's when Edward's eyes widened. I had never seen more beautiful eyes in my life, even if they were afraid, even if they were scared, angry, sad…
"… I-I don't know… why do you love me…?"
His eyes left mine as he finally answered. I felt my heart having a hard time keeping a normal rhythm, it speeded at an immense speed, making me have a hard time to breathe.
"… because… I feel so comfortable around you… I want to be with you… I want to hold you… I want to make you feel the same way as I do… I want you to kiss me like you did that night… but even deeper, more passionate… like you want me… like you love me… …"
I paused for a moment, his eyes still towards the ground, he bit his lip like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't.
"… do you love me…?"
He raised his head, staring at me with his dreamy eyes. My lips thirst for his. His eyes began to water, running towards his room, slammed the door shut. I ran after him, tried to open the door, I felt rejected. I didn't understand why someone who would kiss me wouldn't love me… I banged on the door…
"… open up! Please!"
I weakened, falling to my knees, sobbing, sliding my hands on the door as I wish it were his hair.
"… please…"
"… you don't deserve me…"
I heard him properly, his voice cracking. He was probably crying to. I kept banging, trying to get in.
"… of course I do… I deserve every single part of you… and you deserve me… every part of me… I am yours…"
"I would be unfaithful… if I were to allow myself to love you…"
I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth… unfaithful… what did he mean?
"… you would be unfaithful to me…?"
It took awhile for he could answer, but I waited as long as I could.
"… no, to my lover in Amestris…"
I was deceived. I was blind. Of course he thought it was normal in his world… of course, everything in his world was so simple. I was tempered, filled with jealousy:
"How… how can he be better than I am? I… I… you don't live in that world anymore Edward… you've got to move on in this one! You can't escape reality… You can't stop yourself from living because all you lived before is now gone…"
I then felt selfish, I regretted what I said, I didn't mean it. I was his choice entirely to stay loyal to however he fell in love with. I heard the door unlock, opening the door, seeing him knelt down in front of me. He crawled towards me, practically jumping on me, holding me tightly, starting to sob. I was unsure what to do, I held him. That's when I felt something weird going on my crotch level, I was unsure what it was, but I couldn't be erected, not that quickly. That's when I started to feel little fingers reaching inside my pants. I kind of freaked out, normal no? I back up, banged my head on the side of chair and felt dizzy. That's when I noticed Edward's chest was in my face and his arms wrapped around my head as he kissed the back of my head. I lifted my head up, staring into his eyes who sent a spell on me, his face approaching mine, I felt my legs shaking, his hands cupping my face, installing his kiss on my lips, and I let myself get drift away by this desire, succumbed by his sweet lips, I gave in.
As our lips met, they embraced one another, desiring, slipping my tongue inside his mouth as they both devoured, battle. We pulled away at the same time, held one another, stayed there for an hour, just holding, cuddling.
I wish that afternoon would last forever…
"I love you Edward… I want you to love me… I'll find a way to save our relationship…"
Edward buried his face inside my chest, and whispered.
"… I'd like that… and I love you too, Alfons."
