Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. There is a bit more angst in this chapter.
Update: Special thank you to the individual who pointed out my spelling mistake on Spock's father's name. I'm going to blame the Spell check for that one. I purposely went to Memory Alpha to get the correct spelling. Although my voice recognition software was most likely designed by a Trek Fan (the software has no problem recognizing the term Kobayashi Maru) I think the programmer for spell check prefers DreamWorks films.
Sign Number Four: He Only Tells His Secrets to Jim.
Sometimes you do not notice something until it's too late. She always assumed her and Spock had great communication with each other in the pre Jim days. At the academy, he was her best friend who she just happened to be sleeping with. Back then, they use to tell each other everything and it was only after he started to like Jim that the lines of communication broke apart.
She will admit it to herself that she became jealous of the closeness between Jim and Spock even before she was aware it was more than friendship. She was envious of the way that they could yell at each other and still understand the other person. She hated the way they could have conversations with each other without saying a word. She never had that with Spock herself.
When she realized Jim and Spock were becoming more than just friends, she became more conscious of just how much her "boyfriend" was willing to share with "his James". Jim knew about aspects of Spock's childhood that she didn't. Until recently, she didn't know about the intensity of Spock's teasing by his peers for being "genetically impure". Up until a week ago, she didn't know the real reason why Spock joined Starfleet. He told her some half-truth about wanting to be different. She learns about his concern that his mom didn't know that he loved her when he told Jim about this during their most recent chess match. Actually all the things she learns about her boyfriend recently were gleaned from conversations he was having with Jim.
The greatest of these conversations was when Jim got Spock to talk about his first time. (Although she must confess, a chocolate martini or three was involved.) Contrary to what she was led to believe before it wasn't with her. Apparently, she was just his first time with a woman. She should have known better because first, he was too skilled that first time for a virgin. Second, when they first met he was dating the chest nerd.
She wasn't sure who was more shocked. Her mouth was on the floor because Spock shared anything that personal with anyone. (A few minutes later, she was somewhat upset at the fact that he didn't share this with her earlier.)
Jim actually knocked over the chessboard when Spock said his first time was with a guy named Jordan. (There goes her plan to keep Jim away by making him think Spock only liked girls.) Jim fell out of his chair when he realized that they actually slept with the same person. Kirk responded with, "You were the cold hearted emotionless ex boyfriend who left him for the pushy female student who kept throwing herself at him. He hated you for that." That got him the death glare because she did not throw herself at Spock. (At least that is what she told herself.)
Giving him the death glare was probably why he said the next thing. "You are the one who taught him how to do the thing with the tongue. It is always the quiet ones." This is the last thing Kirk said before he excused himself and disappeared in to the share a bathroom for 15 minutes. (She has a good idea what he is doing in their but won't say it out loud. She knew exactly what thing with the tongue he was referring to and she missed it greatly. Although there was no way, Spock was getting any if he continued looking at the captain's rear end. The look on Spock's face was another sign that her "boyfriend" loved his captain in a not platonic way.)
These recent incidents were enough to make her ask herself why Spock was willing to share these things with "his James" but not her. At this point, she was still trying to blame Jim for the lack of communication. She was trying to blame Jim for everything going wrong in their relationship. Everything was fine before Jim came along. However, she knew that was a lie.
Not only was Jim able to get Spock to confess to things that he normally kept quiet about he was able to get her to admit to things she never told Spock about before. For the first time she talked about her parents' divorce and her stepmom who was more of a mother to her and then the woman that gave birth to her. For the first time since their deaths over six months ago she shared antidotes about her friends who died during the battle of Vulcan. She even told Jim that he was the fifth "boyfriend" of Gaila she caught in their shared dorm room that week alone.
Part of her wish she could go back to that week before everything fell apart. She wished she could go back to that time when her friends were still alive and Spock still had a mom who lived on a planet that still existed. She wished she could go back to a time when their relationship was still healthy and they still talk to each other.
Three days ago, the ship received a private communication from Spock's father. For the rest of the day Spock seemed to withdraw from everyone. (Even by Spock standards he was withdrawing from everyone.) He did not eat lunch with the captain that day. That told her immediately something was severely wrong. She expected him to tell her what was going on that night. He never came by her quarters. (He was coming by less and less lately anyway.) He did not eat breakfast with her or Jim the next morning. By lunch that afternoon, Spock was still avoiding both of them.
She was so worried this led to a very strange conversation between her and her rival/friend. (To see why she consider the guy trying to sleep with her boyfriend (?) a frienemy see part three of her dark reflection on her captain and the Vulcan he loves (?).)
"Whatever Sarek told him yesterday must have been bad. He is never this withdrawn. Did he tell you anything?" She was a little sad to acknowledge that he was more likely to know what was going on than her.
"He just said that his father called to discuss something with him and it wasn't of any importance." Jim responded as he took another drink of his coffee.
"You don't believe that?" She asked him quietly.
"Not at all. I will see if I can get him to tell me tonight. Do you mind not coming to tonight's chess game?" It was a sad state of affairs when they both realize that Spock was more likely to tell him what was going on than her.
They were both right. Spock told Jim everything that happen during their chess game. However, Jim would not tell her.
"It's nothing bad. It is just something he's not ready to tell you about." Yet he had no problem talking to James about it. He had no problem whatsoever telling Kirk his secrets.
That night she was tired of waiting for Spock to come to her and decided to contact the one person close to Spock that might actually provide her with some answers. (At the time she didn't think to use her clearance level to access the recording of Spock's conversation with his father. She would later regret not taking that approach.)
A couple of months ago at a diplomatic dinner, she discovered that Spock had a grandfather that he never told her about that he happen to be named after. The resemblance was uncanny. Her Spock looks like he was a younger version of Grandfather Spock. It was almost like he was a clone.
She was angry when she found out that her "boyfriend" kept the existence of his grandfather from her.
"I thought you told me your grandparents were dead. I thought Vulcans didn't lie." She said in anger after they left the formal dining area.
"I did not lie to you." He said to her in his normal expressionless way. The tone of his voice stayed steady and his face state still.
"What did your grandfather just appear out of nowhere? Do you have any other family members that you're not telling me about? Maybe you have a brother stashed away somewhere that you never told me about." Spock's body became completely rigid during her rant before he left her in the hallway without any response whatsoever. She still wasn't sure exactly what that meant.
Grandfather or Ambassador Spock served as the liaison between the new colony and the Federation. In this capacity, he contacted the ship on occasion to speak with his grandson or the captain. Usually they would talk to each other for a moment or two before she transferred the transmission to the appropriate area. She would ask him questions about Spock's childhood and for once she was provided with real answers. Again, she found out how much she did not know about her boyfriend.
She knew that Ambassador Spock would know what family news had made her boyfriend so upset. Her assumption was proven correct when she spoke with him. Apparently, the younger Spock's father was getting remarried and he was not happy. She didn't understand why Spock didn't tell her. He was now aware that she was the flower girl at her father second wedding. Ambassador Spock slipped up by saying Spock the junior was upset because his father was taking a wife instead of utilizing other means to deal with the upcoming situation.
That was when she forced Spock the senior to tell her what that situation was. He refused to tell her at first arguing that it was not spoken about two non-Vulcans unless they were directly involved. Then she pointed out the fact that she was dating his grandson and had a right to know. He was somewhat shocked by that statement but preceded to tell her the truth. That was when she was introduced to the concept of pon farr and the fact that her "boyfriend" was slightly less than married to some other woman named T'Pring up until her death six months ago.
She could accept the biological need to have sex or die better than she could accept the fact that her boyfriend of several years was engaged to another person for the majority of their relationship and never told her. She told Grandfather Spock that she didn't believe him. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of expressing her disbelief with the wrong question, "Why would Spock have a boyfriend when we first met if he was engaged to someone else?"
Apparently, Spock's grandfather didn't know about Jordan or the fact that Spock was bisexual. His reaction was to raise both eyebrows as high as possible. This was another manifestation of Vulcan shock. Personally, she was contemplating the statistical probability of her being able to kill her Vulcan "boyfriend".
She decided not to question why she was so upset about the former fiancé when she was for all intents purposes watching Spock fall in love with someone else passively. She was too angry to care at that point.
She used the code Spock gave her to enter into his cabin without even requesting entrance. It was a good thing he was off duty because this scene was going to happen now no matter where he was. At that moment, she wished they had an old fashion doors that she could slam. She needed to break something.
"Who the fuck is T'Pring?" At least that's what she wanted to say. She calmed down a little and the question came out as, "Who is T'Pring?" How she managed her voice to come out so calmly, she had no idea. She was too upset to use the correct tense. Spock was smart enough at that moment not to point that out to her.
"How did you become aware of her?" Spock asked her calmly as he placed his chess piece on the board. The tone of his voice gave away no distress.
"I just had the most interesting conversation with your grandfather. When were you going to tell me that you were bonded to someone? If she didn't die, were you going to wait until pon farr occur to tell me that you were leaving me for some other woman? I assume that was what you were planning to do because you never told me about your biological need to have sex or die. Having a biological need to mate is something most individuals discuss with their partner." Inside she was angry but she stayed cold on the outside. She would not let him see the reaction he was causing.
"How do you know about Pon Farr? It is something we do not speak to non-Vulcans about." Again, his demeanor showed no distress.
"Blame your grandfather. He actually thought I had a right to know since we were-I mean we are dating. Not that you told him about that. He didn't know about Jordan either. Were we all just your dirty little secrets until you took your proper Vulcan wife?"
That night for the first time, he told the truth about T'Pring. He became bonded to T'Pring at age seven. She became slightly calmer when she discovered it was an arranged marriage for political reasons. The bond was dissolved when he decided to join Starfleet. T'Pring did not want to be married to someone who was so rebellious and human like. Her anger became sadness when she came to the horrible realization that the communication between her and Spock broke down before James Kirk enter the picture. She wondered if they ever really talk to each other. The situation was made worse when she relies that Jim knew most of the stuff that they were talking about already. He did not look that surprised when he mentioned T'Pring's name. He was very surprised when she mention that Spock had a grandfather.
"You never told me you had a grandfather?" The captain asked Spock with a very surprised expression on his face.
"Now I feel less angry because you never told Jim that Ambassador Spock was your grandfather." she felt smug for a moment until she heard Jim's next confusing words.
"Why didn't you tell her?"
"The information was classified and I felt she didn't have a need to know."
"She is your girlfriend. She deserves to know that there is another you from an alternate dimension running around New Vulcan."
That is when she was let in on the biggest conspiracy in the Federation. The man she assumed to be Spock's grandfather was actually an older version of her "boyfriend" from a different reality. The crazy story was too much for her to take and she returned to her quarters to think.
On the way back to her quarters that night she stop blaming all of their relationship problems on Spock falling in love with Kirk. The lack of trust and the communication difficulties have existed longer than she cares to admit. It was not all Spock's fault. She kept things inside just as much as he did especially in these last few months.
As she continued to meditate on the situation, she remembered a time when they really did communicate with each other. In the beginning of their relationship when he was still with Jordan and the only time they really hanged out was during their working lunches they talked all the time. They really talk to each other back then and at some point, he became her best friend. She misses that time more than anything else. Boyfriends come and go. She can accept that. However, if she is truly honest with herself what she treasured the most was their friendship.
Now she wonders if that's gone for good as well. She really does love what they had before they were lovers. She misses that friendship. She is well aware that the romantic relationship was disintegrating quickly. She wondered if things were too far gone to salvage a friendship out of this mess. She just can't lose another friend. She doesn't have that many left and she is just not ready to make new ones.
The next night after realizing why she absolutely hated gamma shift, she receives another transmission from Grandfather Spock or rather the other Spock.
"I guess I really can't refer to you as Spock's grandfather anymore." She said looking at the screen. He was close enough that they could do a video conference.
"I assume you are now aware of my true identity?"
"Yes," was all she said because she wasn't sure if the transmission was encrypted or not.
"I assure you the transmission is encrypted."
"You know me too well for someone who has only spoke to me a few times. I should have known this was our second life time together. Were you and the other me together in the other reality?" It was a question that has been on her mine a lot recently. She did not have the time to hedge.
"You were a dear friend but it never went beyond that. Even though T'Pring and I were not very close, I did not want to betray my commitment to her. Apparently my counterpart did not have that problem." She was not that surprised to find out in the other dimension her and Spock were only friends. That made her decision to re-cultivate their friendship before dissolving the romantic relationship, seem like the most logical thing to do.
"The relationship was dissolved before he entered Starfleet. Jordan was just a reaction to the situation with his-your father being upset about the dissolved bond. You will have to get the details from him. Unfortunately he is probably too busy with Jim at the moment to talk to you." She was a little upset when she said this. Just because she accepted the end of her relationship with Spock, does not mean she can completely except him being in love with Jim.
"The more things that are different about this reality the more things seem the same." She wondered what he meant by that. Then she got it.
"What was your relationship with your Jim in the other time line?" She realized she was opening Pandora's Box at that moment, but didn't care. She needed to know. When she mentioned Jim's name, his eyes had the same look that her Spock had whenever he and Jim were around each other. But it was slightly different. There was this hint of sadness that tainted his expression.
"We had a friendship together that defined both of us." That's when she noticed this Spock made the same expression her Spock made when he was lying by omission. His voice adopted the same tone and his eyebrow moved in the exact same way.
"You're not telling me the entire truth. Were you and your Jim lovers?" That is obviously what he's keeping from her.
"It is not always best for someone to know their future."
"I think I have a right to know."
"Things are different in this timeline."
"They're not that different."
"Do you really want an answer to your question?"
It is one thing to suspect something but it is another thing to know it will happen with absolute certainty. Maybe it is best that she doesn't know for sure. For once, this was something she didn't want to hear from Spock even if it wasn't her Spock.
"No"
