Unapologize – Carrie Underwood
Last night I was pouring out my heart like a waterfall to you
And with one kiss I was a runaway train
Flying off the track to you
"I Love You" came flooding out
Couldn't make it stop
Couldn't shut my mouth
Puck rocked with Rachel on the swing hanging from the beams of her front porch. The rest of the glee club was in her living room for their not-exactly-third-annual regionals set list selection party. They had tried to have the gathering the first year at Mr. Schue's house, but it went to Hell when everyone got emotional and depressed about the very likely possibility that glee club was about to be disbanded. Then the next year, Schue went on his whole kick about focusing on the underutilized members of the club and made all the decisions for them. This year, Rachel insisted. It was the last year for many of them, including almost all of the original New Directions, and they were going to do this together. So, after hiding every drop of alcohol in the house, Rachel ordered pizza, made popcorn, set out every type of pop she had ever seen, and started playing good hostess to her teammates.
The meeting had started off well enough, with Rachel writing everyone's suggestions on a big whiteboard that they weren't quite sure why she had in the first place. But once they had reached about 15 possible songs, the night started to go downhill. Almost every person in the room was completely married to his or her own song suggestion, or whichever song promised the most exposure. Then the seniors started insisting that they should get the most influence over the set list because they had started the club and it was their last chance to win it all. That in turn had the new members insisting that the older members had already had their chance, and since they didn't win it all their way the past two years, it was time to try something new. Finally, Rachel had had enough. She was tired of listening to her friends, or the closest thing to it, screaming at each other in her own living room. It came as no surprise that her best intentions had once again made a mess of things. She slipped out the door unnoticed in the middle of one of Santana's rants at Lisa, a freshman who had made the mistake of saying Santana's voice was too "raspy" for a particular solo.
Rachel had her head laid back against the back of the swing with her eyes closed when she felt the rhythm of her motion being disturbed. Without lifting her head, she opened one eye to see Puck rubbing his own eyes in frustration beside her. "This sucks."
"Mmm," was Rachel's only response.
"I mean, no offense, I know you did your best, and you're a pretty kick-ass hostess. You realize you're gonna have pizza for weeks, right? But those guys in there are douches, all of 'em."
"Noah …" she started to chide him for being so negative toward their teammates, but honestly, she was just too tired. They had taken it all out of her.
"C'mon Berry, it's true. And I don't know why we're even having this argument," he gestured toward the house to let her know he wasn't referring to the two of them. "Everybody knows the key to winning this thing is you. If there weren't all these requirements about what we have to sing, I would say screw it, you just stand there and sing a bunch of solos while the rest of us sway and hum in the background." She didn't move, but he couldn't miss the smile that ghosted over her features before she put her serious face back on.
"I don't want that," she shrugged, her eyes still closed. "This is glee club. It's not all about me." Puck couldn't help but laugh, causing her to open her eyes and focus on him, confused. "What's so funny?"
"Just never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth, that's all," he nudged her playfully with his shoulder. "You're barely the same girl who made me want to light myself on fire sophomore year." She shrugged again.
"I'm the same girl. Just a different, better version of her," Rachel looked at him seriously, holding his eyes with her own. "I still have my dreams, I know exactly what I want out of my life and I intend to make it happen. I've just learned some things over the past couple years."
"Like what?" He absent-mindedly dropped one arm over the back of the swing so he could move a little closer to her. He honestly wasn't trying anything, he just felt like this was an intimate conversation, and it felt natural to be close.
"Well …" she paused, staring up at the ceiling of the porch thoughtfully, "first of all, just because I don't necessarily need people to make my dreams come true, doesn't mean I can't have friends. Being independent doesn't have to mean being lonely. Also, it's easier to make those friends when I'm not so into myself all the time, both personally and professionally. Just because Mercedes's song choice or Santana's voice may not be particularly my style, that doesn't mean they are any less worthy of being heard." Neither of them were sure when his hand dropped to rub circles on her shoulder. "Oh, and this one was the hardest and most painful, just because you care about someone and they care about you, does not mean you should be in a romantic relationship. Sometimes the person you think you are meant to be with is not the person you should be with at all."
Neither of them knew how it happened. One second she was pouring out her heart, staring at him with those big brown eyes while his fingers traced over her shoulder reassuringly. The next, that same hand was gripping her shoulder and pulling her closer to him while the other hand reached up to cup her cheek. He didn't have to pull hard, because she was already leaning into him, closing her eyes and pressing her lips against his. For a few seconds neither of them did anything; they just sat that way, bodies and lips pressed together. But suddenly, almost abruptly, their lips and tongues were moving, dancing almost, struggling quietly for dominance. His hand moved from her cheek to grip her hair at the base of her neck and one of her hands clutched at his shirt while the other moved around his waist to sneak under his shirt and tickle at the skin on the small of his back.
When they finally broke apart, both desperately needing air, she felt empty. It was like she was missing something she didn't even know she needed until just then. She had kissed Noah before, a couple times, but it was never like that, never so … desperate, so needed. There had always been something else between them; Finn, Quinn; but this time it was just them. Just Rachel and Noah. "Noah, I … I …" she gulped for air as her eyes flitted over his face, studying his expression, "I love you."
I felt like a fool, then I lied and said I was sorry, but
I unapologize
I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard
'Cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight em' back, or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize.
"So?" Kurt practically squealed.
"So what?" Rachel looked back at him, eyes wide. She continued pacing her bedroom carpet until Mercedes grabbed her.
"So what happened next?" Quinn screamed at her then dropped back into Rachel's desk chair, obviously embarrassed by her outburst. She wasn't supposed to care about Rachel Berry's life. But somewhere along the way, in spite of her best efforts to keep hating Rachel, Quinn had kind of become friends with her. They weren't, like, besties or anything, but after nationals the previous year they had called a truce, which had turned into a decent relationship. Besides, this was juicy stuff!
"I-I apologized."
"Aww, it's ok Rach, Puck likes kissing. And you're pretty." All eyes turned to Brittany. No one should be surprised by anything she said anymore, but her overly simplified assessment of the situation took them all off-guard. Until Brittany spoke, the atmosphere of room had been incredibly tense. Rachel was close to wearing a rut in her carpet, and the others were waiting not-so-patiently as she slowly revealed the details of her and Puck's little meeting on the porch. Unable to stop herself, Quinn giggled at Brittany's statement. Before they knew it, everyone in the room was laughing hysterically, except Rachel, who only groaned. She was starting to regret inviting Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn, Brittany, Santana, and Tina to stay the night after their meeting. She had thought it would be a good opportunity to get in some "girl time" before they graduated and went their separate ways. Right now, thanks to their scrutiny, all she wanted was some alone time.
"Ok, ok, let's calm down or we're never going to get the dirty from miss diva over here." Mercedes grabbed Rachel's shoulders again and brought them eye-to-eye. "Ok, so you're talking. Then you kiss. He kissed you, or you kissed him?"
"I don't know," Rachel threw her arms into the air. "I honestly don't know who started it, it just happened." Santana rolled her eyes, but Quinn swatted at her. Granted, Santana had been a lot nicer lately, but she still had a hard time understanding some things, like the give and take of true romance. When Santana wanted something, she just went after it. While Rachel and Puck were both headstrong and determined, neither had that kind of attitude when it came to relationships. They had both been hurt too much in the past and they took that stuff slowly and seriously. Then there was the fact that they were both head over ass for each other but too stubborn to admit it to each other. It really shouldn't have been surprising that she couldn't pinpoint who initiated the kiss.
"Ok, fine," Mercedes huffed, "but after that, you told him you loved him, right?" They all watched as Rachel nodded, chewing her lip. "And then, you apologized?" Rachel nodded again, averting her eyes as Mercedes squinted at her, obviously confused. "But, how? I mean, what exactly did you say?"
"Well," Rachel tried to start pacing again, so Mercedes gripped her wrist tightly. "I said I was sorry, of course. I said that it had just been so long since I'd been kissed, since I'd had that kind of connection, that intimacy with anyone. I said I just got caught up in the moment and said something I didn't mean. I told him that obviously, I don't actually love him."
"You really said, 'Obviously, I don't actually love you?'" It was the first time Tina had spoken since the others left and Kurt and the girls retired to Rachel's room. Rachel stared back at her, wide-eyed, and nodded. "But you do love him!"
"I know!" Rachel whined and Brittany had to jump off the bed to avoid getting hit as Rachel fell face-first across the bed. Brittany eased herself back onto the bed at Rachel's side and rubbed her back.
"So what are you going to do now?" Rachel turned to face Brittany, thinking about her question for a long moment.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I guess I'll just wait and let him make the next move."
"Ok Berry, I've been quiet long enough. And Barbie can smack me all she wants to; I've got something to say." Rachel stared up at Santana. Honestly, Santana wasn't the worst person to hear from in this situation. She knew Puck pretty well. In fact, they were basically the same person. And Rachel had come to accept that while Santana's methods were often harsh and crass, she was always honest and a lot of times she wasn't actively trying to hurt anyone. It just happened to be a byproduct. "Let's think about this for just a minute. First, you're having a nice, supportive, friendly conversation. He must have already been a little out of his mind," she snorted. "But then, you go get him all hot and bothered by kissing him. 'Cause let's face it, it doesn't take a lot with Puckerman. And besides, you're a hot little number, and I happen to know you've got some skills in the lip-lock department." Rachel's face glowed. She had been drunk, and Santana swore never to tell anyone. None of the others seemed to have noticed Santana's most recent statement, though. "Next, you completely blow his mind by telling him you love him. It's amazing he didn't flip his lid right then. But, to top it all off, you go and bruise his super-inflated Puckerman ego by telling him that obviously you don't love him. I think it's safe to say that his next move will be to do absolutely nothing, except maybe avoid you like the plague."
"Oh God!" Rachel shot up quickly so she was sitting on her knees staring desperately at Santana. "I didn't mean it like that! I-I was just trying to think of something, anything to say to take back the 'I love you.' I was afraid of scaring him. I just wanted it to go away!" She buried her face in her hands and shook her head violently from side to side.
"We know Rachel. We all know that," Quinn spoke calmly and surely, as she always did, crossing the room to lay a hand on Rachel's shoulder and glare at Santana. "How did he react? Did he seem scared, annoyed, what?"
"He didn't react, really. I don't have a clue what he was feeling. Almost right in the middle of my word vomit," Mercedes covered her mouth to muffle a snicker, "Finn came out and said they had to leave, something about them having to get up early to help Kurt's dad with something. He just got up and left without saying anything. Kurt, where are you going?" Rachel noticed Kurt heading for the door, and she was suddenly afraid that now she had done something to offend him, although she couldn't think what it could be.
"Snacks. This is going to be a long night. Please tell me you have some real, non-soy crap, ice cream in this house."
You know people say a lot of things that they don't really mean.
And last night I told a little white lie
Hoping you'd forget the scene
Where it felt like a movie under that porch light
Couldn't help myself when you held me tight
I said what I meant, then I lied and said I was sorry
"Well well well. Ladies. To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from the unholy trinity bright and early on a Monday morning?" Quinn, Santana, and Brittany had been waiting outside Puck's locker when he arrived at school. "We didn't go on some crazy four-way date that I have somehow forgotten about did we? 'Cause that would be a crime. But I'd be more than happy to show up for a repeat performance today after school." Puck smirked at the girls, making a show of looking each of them up and down.
"Right, like I'd let you touch me again."
"Trust me, that's something you would remember," Santana spoke at the same time as Quinn.
"I didn't have any dates this weekend. Lord Tubbington was upset so I had to stay home and talk him through it." Brittany spoke simultaneously with the other girls so that Puck almost missed the very random, yet very Brittany, statement. Almost
"Actually," Santana started again, brushing off Brittany's comment, "we just wanted to see what you did this weekend. I mean, the Puckasaurus must have some good stories." Quinn rolled her eyes at Santana's approach, but she knew there was no better way to get through to Puck than to appeal to his ego.
"Not really," Puck moved to get his books out of his locker, apparently not suspicious at all about the ambush. "Me and Finn went and did some work down at the shop for Burt Saturday, pretty good money just for moving around a bunch of crap. And we were together on Friday." Quinn and Santana shared a look when Puck mentioned Friday. "So there you go. That was my weekend. What about you girls. Got any stories you want to share?" Puck wiggled his eyebrows mischievously at the girls.
"Whatever, we gotta go." Santana grabbed the other two girls and pulled them behind her toward their English class, leaving a slightly confused Puck in their wake. "So, you get anything?" She looked at Quinn, hoping she would have been able to glean even a little insight from their brief conversation.
"Nothing," Quinn sighed. "I'll text Tina and let her know she's up."
Tina received Quinn's text as she and Mike made their way into the science class they shared with Puck. "Alright, looks like it's game on," she told her boyfriend. She hadn't told Mike any details, only that she needed his help feeling Puck out on something related to glee. He trusted her, so he went along with the scheme.
"Hey man," Mike addressed Puck when he took a seat at the lab table the three shared, trying to sound disgruntled. "Can you believe Tina lied to me?" Puck's jaw dropped a little. He couldn't believe it. Those two were like, a supercouple.
"Seriously? Goth! What has gotten into you? What are you trying to do to my boy over here?"
"Guys, come on. It was just a little white lie. Really nothing to be upset about!" Tina was trying her best to play the part, to not give away the girls' plan.
"A lie's a lie, in my book. Lying's not cool Tina. I'd have thought you'd realize that. I mean, look at me, Quinn, Finn, Rachel, and pretty much every other relationship in glee club."
Tina panicked a little. Surely he wouldn't be mad at Rachel over this particular, tiny lie. "Wait Puck! Just hear the details!" She grabbed Mike's hand under the table, urging him to just play along. "Ok, so the other night I was over at Mike's for dinner and a movie with his parents when his mom pulled out the wedding album. She had me sit and look through it with her for like, half an hour. I told her I loved it, that I loved her dress and the flowers and decorations and everything else. Then later, when Mike was taking me home, I took it back. I said I didn't really love the wedding album." Mike was starting to look at her like she was a little crazy, clearly wondering where she was going with this. "But then this morning, I told him that I really did love the wedding stuff. I just told him I didn't because I was afraid he would freak out about me talking about wedding stuff with his mom. And I didn't want him to freak out, because I really care about him and I don't want to scare him off." She rubbed Mike's hand reassuringly under the table, hoping that he would keep playing along.
"Ok, really? That's what this is about? Alright, I take back what I said before. I guess a lie's not always just a lie. 'Cause this is flat-out stupid." Puck rolled his eyes at his friends and moved to get out his textbook as the bell rang. Tina discreetly pulled her phone from her pocket to text the girls from under the table.
I unapologize
I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard
'Cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight em' back, or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize.
Kurt and Mercedes rushed to the cafeteria to stake out one of the smaller tables before any of the guys from glee made it. All of the original members usually sat together at lunch, but today the girls (and Kurt) needed to be alone. That meant finding a table that the guys couldn't fit at before they got there. "Hey, Santana, Brittany! Over here," Kurt hissed across the room when he saw the girls enter. He and Mercedes had just snagged one of the round tables that usually sat six and Mercedes was in the process of pulling over one extra seat. Santana and Brittany made their way over, followed closely by Tina.
"Oh my gosh, guys, I'm so glad it's finally lunch time. I've had to avoid Mike all day ever since that ridiculous stunt I pulled this morning in science. I can't stand it anymore! Rachel's going to have to do something soon."
"Keep your voice down Tina," Quinn almost snuck up on them. "I could hear you from like, three tables away." She dropped her purse into one of the two remaining empty chairs and was getting ready to head toward the line when Finn stepped up beside her, clearly heading for the last seat at the table.
"Nope. No room at this table." Santana crossed her arms over her chest and glared up at him. The others watched silently. They were more than happy to let Santana handle the situation.
"But …" he motioned toward the empty seat, looking a little heartbroken.
"Rachel's seat." Santana didn't have time to mince words with him. Rachel could show up any second, and they needed him gone so they could get down to business.
"I just … that seat's next to Quinn."
"Yeah, your ex-girlfriends are friends now. Will it have repercussions for you? Probably," Santana shrugged, looking a little bored. "But deal with it."
"Well, why didn't you get a bigger table?" He really did seem to have his feelings hurt, which kind of made the other girls feel bad, but just annoyed Santana.
"Too full," she showed him that the conversation was over by taking a big bite out of her burger. Finn looked around the cafeteria, which was still only half full, clearly bewildered.
"Finn, just go," Kurt sighed. Sometimes Finn's cluelessness was adorable, but right now it was just tiring. "You and the guys can sit together somewhere else; it won't hurt for us all to not be attached at the hip for one day." Quinn and Finn made their way toward the food line, Finn looking defeated and Quinn looking relieved.
Rachel entered the cafeteria just as Quinn was returning to the girls' table with her food. Her eyes went to the table that the glee upperclassmen usually shared, but she saw three kids she had never seen before. She saw Finn, sitting alone on the other side of the cafeteria, before she saw Kurt or the girls. "Crap!" Mercedes grumbled, "Somebody go get her before she gets sucked in by Finn's 'lonely puppy' face and we lose our chance!"
"I got it," Quinn set her tray on the table and made her way quickly to Rachel, grabbing her elbow and dragging her toward their table.
"Quinn … what …?" Rachel was caught completely off-guard.
"We're over here. Just ignore Finn."
"But why is he sitting by himself?" Rachel no longer had those feelings for Finn, but they were friends. She hated for her friends to be sad.
"We've got business to discuss," Quinn said matter-of-factly. "He'll be fine. Look, here come the other guys now." Quinn pointed to where Mike and Sam, pushing Artie, were making their way toward Finn. Rachel was barely able to get her lunchbox on the table before Quinn had pushed her in a seat and started talking. "Our plan this morning was a fail," she said, stabbing a piece of lettuce with her fork. "San, Britt, and I tried to talk to him, but we got nothing. Either it didn't faze him, or he's just really good at hiding it. Either is equally likely."
Rachel sighed as she began pulling her lunch out of her lunchbox. "I didn't do much better," Tina stated. "I'm a terrible liar. I'm pretty sure all I accomplished was to make my own boyfriend think I'm crazy."
"I'm sorry Tina," Rachel rubbed her friend's back. "I'm sorry to all of you. This is my problem, not yours. I should never have gotten you involved. But I do really appreciate all your help."
"Girl, don't be silly," Mercedes laughed. "This is the most excitement I've had in a long time! It was fun getting to live vicariously through your little adventure. Not that I want Puck!" she clarified, popping a tot into her mouth. "But you know, just the situation." Rachel looked and all of her friends nodded, reassuring her that they in fact did not mind helping. Even Santana looked less than annoyed.
"But Rachel," Kurt interjected, "we can't keep messing around like this. You're going to have to talk to him yourself sooner or later. Preferably sooner." As if on cue, the girls all froze as Kurt dropped his sandwich, watching Puck walk by on his way out of the cafeteria from the boys' table.
"I'll see you guys this afternoon at glee. I've got something to deal with," Puck called back to the guys as he lifted his head in greeting to Kurt, Santana, and Brittany, the only occupants at the girls' table who had a clear view of him.
Quinn rested one hand on top of Rachel's and waited until Rachel looked at her. "I think you have to do it now. It's the perfect time. We still have 10 minutes of lunch left, and he's leaving alone. Go after him!"
"But he said he had something to take care of. I don't want to interrupt him." Rachel stared down at the table nervously.
"Look Berry, this is Puck we're talking about here. He probably just wanted to get away from that sausage-fest table over there. And a little bit to avoid you." Santana shrugged one shoulder disinterestedly at Rachel. Rachel looked around the table at her friends, each of whom were nodding and encouraging her to go. She started gathering her things, putting her lunch back in her lunch box, when Tina stilled her hands with her own.
"We'll take care of it." Tina smiled warmly and Rachel nodded, looking a little bit terrified. Deciding it was now or never, Rachel stood up, straightened her skirt, and walked out of the cafeteria. It didn't take long to spot him. Puck was leaning against a row of lockers with his hands shoved in his pockets, staring off at nothing. Apparently Santana was right, he didn't have anything to do. She approached him slowly, staring at her feet and wringing her hands in front of her.
"Umm, Noah, can I talk to you?" She almost didn't recognize her own voice, it was so small.
"S'a free country Berry, talk." He didn't look at her when he spoke.
"Well, about Friday night …"
"That, we don't have to talk about," he interrupted. "It's whatever. It's fine; you said what you needed to say at your house. Let it go."
"But that's just the thing Noah, I didn't get to say what I needed to say. You see, the thing is, we have two weeks until graduation. Then it's one last crazy summer and then college, and who knows what will happen to all of us then. I mean, if we don't make the effort to keep up our relationships, that is." She looked at him hopefully. Was there any way he was just going to get it, to just understand what she was trying to say?
"Right, I get it." But he didn't. "You don't want to tie yourself down, to burden yourself with one more relationship to keep up with. I already told you, it's fine."
Apparently, she was going to have to spell this one out for him, because he certainly wasn't getting it on his own. She took a deep breath and rushed into explaining to him everything she really felt, everything she should have said Friday night on her porch.
"There's no time to be holding it all in,
trying to pretend that I don't feel anything.
I shouldn't have said I'm sorry.
I meant every word,
Won't take back the way I feel about you.
I can't unsay what you heard,
'Cause you heard me right,
And I won't try to fight em' back, or hide my feelings for you...
I unapologize."
"You un …?" Puck was clearly confused, tilting his head and staring at her through narrowed eyes.
"Unapologize. I unapologize, I rescind my apology, in other words. I take it back. I only said those things because I was afraid you were going to be upset. But I'm not sorry. Of course I love you. You've been one of my best friends over the past year, I would be crazy to think I could ever find anyone better than you. You're amazing to me." She stared at him, her eyes pleading with him. They were pleading for him to do something, anything. To tell her he loved her, to get lost, anything to take away the pain of waiting, hoping.
"So … you take it back? Not the 'I love you' part, but the apology part – you're not sorry?"
"Not even a little bit," she could feel the lump in her throat and the burning behind her eyes, but she thought that if he would hurry up and tell her he wasn't interested, she could make it to the ladies' room before she actually started crying.
"Thank God," he exhaled deeply as he moved to pin her body against the lockers with his own, covering her mouth with his before she even had a chance to voice her surprise.
"Pay up, bitches," Santana extended a hand toward Sam, Finn, Mike, and Artie. All the original glee members, along with a few of the newbies, were huddled in the cafeteria doorway watching the Puck and Rachel story unfold. The boys all groaned and dug out their wallets, pressing twenties into Santana's open palm. Santana noticed the confused and almost accusing looks she was receiving from her other teammates. "Ok," she rolled her eyes, "our boy Puck let it slip to Blabbermouth Hudson, who then shared the news with us this morning in history, that he had a thing for our girl. So, we decided to make a little pool. Whoever gets closest to the day they get their shit together gets the dough."
"Yeah," Artie chimed in, "and Santana insisted on today, and we all thought she was crazy, because we really didn't believe it would be that easy to get Rachel to go for it. Guess we were wrong," he snickered.
"But …" Quinn started, before feeling Santana's hand circle around her wrist.
"Keep your mouth shut, I'll cut you in," Santana hissed into her ear. Quinn smiled and made a locking motion over her lips. Hey, Rachel and Puck were happy, the girls deserved to get a little something out of the deal for what they had done for her, for them.
'Cause you heard me right, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I unapologize
