Part Four - Even though you're not here, I won't move on.
Raina was uncomfortable walking into their room today. She had winced when the text had come through, it was too soon. For the first time, she found herself reluctant to visit. Nevertheless she didn't delay, she knew the consequences for the man she was visiting if she did. Even for her, who had long gone past being squeamish about the human body, she would admit, she didn't much enjoy being present as his flesh betrayed him.
She walked into a familiar scene, his hands were resting on the arms of the ridiculously low bucket chair that adorned the bare grimy room. He sat facing the window the back of his head the only part visible to any visitors. Not that he had visitors, apart from her. Well, she didn't think he did?
He had missed her entry but as the door clicked shut he cocked his head towards the sound and was on his feet straight away his body elegantly rising in a swift motion.
He smiled nervously at her, she could read the hopefulness that bubbled beneath the smile, and she felt disappointed in herself all over again. Not that she could have done more.
"Hello Raina," his voice was soft and velvety just as she remembered, his face open and encouraging. It had been three weeks since his last visit, in that time she had poured all her resources into what he had entrusted her with. When he had handed over the name to her on the last visit it had taken her by surprise, unexpected, in that he had even done it, and a revelation in the name that had been revealed. She had miscalculated in what she thought she knew of him, because yes, it had been a curve ball that the name was male. She had presumed after the Cellist that it would be female. More astonishing was the name itself, not only a member of S.H.I.E.L.D but an Avenger to boot.
She answered his greeting rather coolly, "Coulson."
His smile faulted at her tone, as if he knew what was coming. "I'm sorry," she said, and she was, it hurt to say it. What that feeling meant she wasn't prepared to contemplate anytime soon because she had never felt drawn to someone like Coulson before, engaged, in a way, that involved no gain for herself. She found herself wanting to please. So it was with no pleasure that she said trying to keep any emotion out of her voice, "I haven't been able to find him."
He nodded in understanding, but his eyes seemed to dull before her. She had pushed him into this idea of seeking out the man he loved once more and now she was letting him down. There was an old expression for it, she felt like a 'heel.'
And he, he was terribly reasonable and nice about it, "It's okay," he smiled gently at her, he was trying to ease her guilt she knew. "Thank you for trying."
He sounded so final, she quickly replied, for some reason not wanting him to give up, "No wait, I'm still looking, it's still possible for me to find him."
He nodded, but his eyes drifted away, and he turned away from her in defeat. He walked over to the metal shelf that was by the door, looking over the contents, more Raina suspected, so he wouldn't have to look at her. His voice was quiet and despondent when he spoke, "I looked too, at the time," he chuckled without mirth as he corrected, "now I guess, your time, when I was just Agent... " he said turning slightly to her, raising his eyes, his lips turning upwards, as he corrected himself again, "Director Coulson". He turned away from her again any amusement gone quickly from his voice again, "I didn't find him either, so don't feel bad."
"He's not been seen since S.H.I.E.L.D fell," she watched as his hand fisted, and instantly reworded it, "since it's change in management."
He snorted at her words, "Diplomatic doesn't suit you, Raina."
"He didn't reassemble for the Avengers last time they were called," She informed him.
"I know."
"You knew the Avengers," she said unsurely, oddly not comfortable questioning him like this. "Did you ask them?"
His head fell between his shoulder blades for a few seconds before he straightened and turned, walking swiftly away from the shelf to middle of the room, his voice firm when he spoke again. "The Avengers were never aware that I survived."
She frowned, "Even after you became Director?"
"Yes," he said stiffly, "It was too late for mending fences. I followed the line when Fury was in charge, I had my instructions and that was not to tell them of my existence. So I didn't."
"Why couldn't they be told?"
He smirked, "I believe they were concerned about the effects that GH-325 would have on me, they didn't trust me. Ironic don't you think? I was fine the whole time they were worried about me, and then they handed the keys of S.H.I.E.L.D over to me, and I started," he held his arms out, "this. Garrett awakened something in me, starting with the hypergraphia."
"I saw that with Garrett."
He nodded. "I'd like to think I was a little less crazy, looney tunes than him though," he teased. "At the time at least."
She smiled to see some of the light come back into his eyes.
"You have no idea how amazing you are, do you?" She blurted out. He cocked his head slightly at her words, one side of his lips turning up in amusement and then he frowned.
"I'm not special Raina, I'm just a guy doing a job, that needs doing."
She threw up her hands, she wasn't one for grand gesticulation it made Coulson step back, "A job! My god, a job, seriously? For all I know you are on first name basis with God." He laughed at the thought.
She raised her brow at him, and questioned, "Do you have to do it, this job, as you call it?"
His head tilted, "I... no, I would be replaced, if I choose to give it up."
"You have done it for over a century, do you plan to give it up?"
"No," he said quickly.
"Why?"
"Because... anyone can be called, I realised, if we hadn't stopped Garrett, it could have been him. The idea is more than enough to keep me there."
"It could have been Skye?"
"Yes. It should have been the guest house alien, it was then destined to be Garrett, thankfully for the universe that hadn't happened, so now it was Phil and it could have been Skye. Phil had insured it wouldn't be by keeping going, it wasn't something he wanted for her. He could probably keep going forever if the loneliness didn't kill him.
"So you sacrifice your own happiness," Raina surmised.
"Don't be dramatic, I'd be dead if I weren't doing this," he said, annoyance creeping into his tone.
"Does death scare you?" She persisted, her head tilting in question, but she didn't let him answer and continued, "I don't think so, I think you have craved it ever since you died the first time. So don't tell me you aren't amazing. You have given up your chance for rest and peace, for humankind at least, for the universe as a whole."
He grimaced and said angrily, "That's foolish."
"You're a hero."
"No!" He swivelled round raising his finger at her, "no, don't you dare make me out to be some sort of martyr." His voice growing in volume as he went on, face animated in a thousand moving parts that only ever get a work out when he was angry enough to let them go, every syllable shaped as they left his puckered lips. "You have no idea, there's not a moment that I don't resent having to do this. All my life I have had to toe the line for duty! Been the Yes Man, I hate it." His face grew red and yet pale at the same time as he spat the words out, "I hate it. Being alone, when do I get something back," his voice changing in tone as he almost whimpered, "When? You tell me!"
Raina was paralysed as she witnessed for the second time in their short acquaintance, tears, tears that filled his eyes, but unlike the last time, nothing would stop them falling.
She found herself horrified by the turn of events, how had it spiralled to this, she had been trying to compliment him, a man she was fast beginning to admire but instead she was now dumbly watching as he fell apart in front of her, staring as tears tracked down his face and pooled before dripping off his chin. He swiped at them angrily with his hand, turning away, as he often did when he wanted to hide his emotions, it was pitifully late for that, but he walked over to the window and leaned heavily against the frame.
She could do nothing, she was not well equipped to deal with such emotions, any emotions in fact, his or her own, she wearily observed as his shoulders heaved with every breath he took. Should she reach out, would he accept it?She found herself afraid, afraid that he would take the comfort and even more so that he wouldn't. She wondered if this was how little girls felt when they saw their Daddy cry for the first time. Raina found herself in envy of Skye in a way she would never have thought possible, she had never known her father, neither would Skye really, but she had had a precious amount of time with him even if she didn't realise it. Raina was well aware that the bond ran deep between them, and although Skye would never get the chance to call him by his proper title, she had experience everything else, everything he had to give a daughter. She had told Deathlock that she and Skye shared a connection, she had said it gleefully with the knowledge she carried, information that she would never share, it was soon after she had come here for the first time, that connection was, of course, Coulson himself.
She had never cried for another living being in her life... until now. She didn't try and rub the tears away, they made her feel human.
"I'm sorry," his voice sounded utterly wrecked, devoid of the fierce passion of a few seconds before, dead of emotions, spent. "It's all just a fantasy, he deserves better than this, better than me anyway," he whispered as if to himself. The muscles in his face now barely acknowledging words have been formed. The jaw jutting out tensely.
Bereft of what to say in the shadow of his despair, Raina simply stood in silence and realised that Skye would know what to do in this situation. She would be a good daughter.
