A/N: Wow, I realized how long it's been since I posted. I apologize. I've been knee deep in work for the past 2 months and therefore use my free time to run errands or sleep. Not much else can get accomplished. But please enjoy! I'll try to keep working to get at least one more chapter up before the summer ends.

Chapter 4: You're My Sweetheart

So show me family (ho)

All the blood that I would bleed (hey)

I don't know where I belong (ho)

I don't know where I went wrong (hey)

But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me

You're my sweetheart

"Ho Hey", The Lumineers

…and believe me, that thought fucking sucked. I suppose I should feel something. I don't even know why I didn't feel anything at all…I mean, besides the wearing off of the epidural. I didn't understand what made me this way, to be so callous about my feelings. I think that it just stems from my inability to trust anyone, which is all psychoanalytical bull-crap but yeah, I have a Ph.D in psychology so whatever I'm the authority bitches. Obviously I have issues because the only man I could ever commit to dressed up like a clown for a living. It speaks volumes about my personality. Live the fucking dream.

I see him lying next to me and still have the feelings I always do, the ones of love and joy and calm that I only experienced when I was with him. But, like adding a baby to the mix? I was skeptical of that. I didn't know how to deal with that fact yet and I wasn't going to until I had to, as mature as that sounds. Sometimes I felt like I was watching myself from outside of myself. It sounds ridiculous and so existential, but so true. I wondered what had happened to me, what had happened to that carefree girl who thought she'd just marry her first boyfriend, pop out a couple of kids and bam bam ka-cham, life would be perfect.

Well, I was wrong. And stupidly, I never dealt with that fact. I never dealt properly with the loss of my first real love. I was so angry at the time and so hurt, and I held a grudge against any other living thing with a penis on the planet. I mean, they all suck though, truly. The Joker is the only one that doesn't suck and doesn't make me want to lose faith in the human race. But, really, should I be happy with that assessment? I don't know. Maybe the drugs were affecting me harder than I thought. Maybe once they put her in my arms, I'd feel something, like something real that I can't put into words, like everyone says they do. It always feel weird to not be like everyone else, to not experience what they experience and feel like you're the outcast that doesn't understand. Like a fucking robot. That's how I felt, like a robot.

My whole life I just wanted someone to truly love me, and now I had him. I had always thought a child would factor into that somehow, and now it has, and I didn't know what to do with that knowledge. I just felt numb. I didn't want to feel numb. I didn't want to feel so utterly cut off from the world, from my own human emotions.

It was like 4:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep to save my life. I knew I probably shouldn't have been getting up and walking around but I felt so unbelievably restless. I got out of the bed, stretching my sore legs. The Joker was passed out and barely even stirred when I stood up. I wandered out into the hallway; it was like a ghost town. Hospitals were extremely eerie in the early hours of the morning, let me just tell you in advance so that you never do this yourself. I felt like a weird ghost walking around, peering curiously around the corners. I was trying to avoid any doctors and nurses so that they didn't make me go back to bed.

I found the glass room where they kept the newborns; there weren't that many, only about 20. Maybe late August wasn't a popular time to be having babies or something. I peered through the window, looking for my own child. I saw her; she was peacefully asleep, just like her dad. I fervently hoped that that peacefulness continued. We didn't need two neurotic women in the house.

I stared at her for I don't even know how long. It could have been like 5 minutes or an hour, but all I know is that a doctor had rounded the corner and was tapping me on the shoulder. I jumped, startled, and turned to face him, feeling very embarrassed.

"Worried about your baby, signora?" he asked, smiling.

"No…" I said, glancing inside, "I just couldn't sleep, I guess. I just wanted to look at her again. I think I'm a little in disbelief right now."

"It is normal." He said in somewhat stilted English. I was able to understand him but he struggled over a few words, "Many women feel…how you say…different after they have a baby. Sometimes it is not a good thing, but you will feel better soon."

"Yes, I think I will." I said softly, "I should probably back to my room, right?"

"I think I can let you stay here for a few more minutes." He winked conspiratorially, "I will not tell anyone."

"Thank you." I said, "But I think I will go back to my room. I'm a little tired."

"I understand. I will escort you back to your room."

"I appreciate that, thank you." I let him walk me back, and he opened the door for me.

He looked inside, "Your husband?"

I couldn't help but smile, "Yes, my husband."

"Who is your doctor?"

"Dr. Ferretti," I replied.

"I will let him know you're doing well."

"That would be great. I'm going to get back into bed."

"Sleep well, signora." He closed the door behind him.

The Joker finally made a grunting, startled sort of sound when I got back into bed with him, "Where were you, babe?"

"Bathroom." I lied.

"It took you that long?"

"Excuse me, sir, but was your vagina torn in half yesterday? No, no, it was not. I think you should watch your fucking mouth."

He hugged me drowsily, and said, "Why are you so perfect?"

"It's taken me a while to get there but somehow I've made it." I wasn't even sure what kind of emotion I had in my voice in that moment. There might have been an itsy bitsy bit of truth in it, but I wasn't going to own up to it. I'll let him keep thinking it's sarcasm because that's just standard fare when you live with me.

I was met with a loud nasal snoring sound, and figured he fell asleep again. I'm glad watching my childbirth had made him so tired and by that I mean motherfucker seriously? You are more tired than the woman who gave birth? Really?!

I just had to let it go at that moment, and I settled in for a few more hours of sleep.

I woke up again around 8:30 AM because Dr. Ferretti and a nurse were chatting animatedly in Italian in the hallway. I was too tired and too monolingual to know what they were saying, so I just sat up and stretched my arms, groaning as my bones cracked in their usual fashion. I'm so god damn old it's not even funny.

Dr. Ferretti saw me rise into supine position, so he walked in, "Good morning! I am here to check your vitals. Is that alright?"

"Yes, that's fine." I consented, and smacked my fake husband awake, "Seriously babe? You need to wake up!"

"I'm up, I'm good!" he finally sat up, shaking his head, "You could have picked a nicer way to do that, but I'll just not argue with you for now."

"That's a very smart choice." I agreed, and pushed him toward the edge of the bed, "They need to make sure I'm ok, so go sit down or get yourself a coffee."

"I'll wait until they're done, then I'll go."

I rolled my eyes as Dr. Ferretti checked my blood pressure, "Fine. Be a loser and wait."

"How old are you again? 13?"

"Last time I checked." I was just full of snark and I hadn't even been awake 5 minutes. This was just that kind of day.

The doctor examined my breasts which fucking HURT by the way, my that-which-gave-life area, and also checked my heartbeat and lungs, and deemed me fit to go home that afternoon, which made me feel very relieved and at the same time absolutely scared out of my mind. I had to bring my baby home. Weird, dude.

I asked, "How is Olivia doing?"

"She's doing just fine. Everything is normal. She slept mostly through the night, and I'm sure she felt more peaceful because I heard her mother visited her." He winked.

Damn, I'd been ratted out. This is why I don't trust people.

The Joker raised an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged nonchalantly, "I went to check on her in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep."

Somehow he translated this as me caring a lot or something, because he came over to me and kissed me deeply, "I knew you would change your mind about this."

"Eh, get off me, you nerd." I said defensively, and he did what I told him to do, simultaneously obnoxiously beaming at me.

"Well, I need to check on other patients, but please page me if you need anything." Dr. Ferretti said, sticking out his hand.

I shook it, "Thank you, doctor. You did an excellent job."

"Ah, don't worry about it. It's what I want to do." He smiled, and he and the nurse scuttled out of the room to check on other new mothers in the ward.

I looked over at Mr. J, who was being a stupid dork and grinning at me.

"Will you stop?" I snapped.

"I know you're just getting snippy because you showed emotion and you want people to think you're tough. I get you, Harley. I see through it."

"Doesn't mean it isn't annoying." I grimaced, "I just want to go home."

"Yeah, this isn't the most comfortable place." He sat on the edge of my bed, "How are you feeling right now?"

"Tired, but fine, honestly. I want to sleep in my own bed and watch excessive amounts of TV. That's all I want."

"I want to just kiss you all the time."

"Ew, please stop. I'm going to throw up on you."

"You've threatened to do that a lot, so I'm assuming one day it's going to happen, and I will be sorry when it does." He said matter-of-factly.

"Yes, yes, you certainly will, mister. I threaten for a reason." I nodded sagely, "Also we bought a lot of shit for that baby and it needs to go to good use."

"I have the distinct feeling we've gender switched sometime in the last 24 hours. Is this like Freaky Friday?" the Joker looked around, "Am I going to see Lindsay Lohan anywhere?"

I had to laugh at that, the first time I'd really laughed in like months, "Ok, I have to give you credit for your pop culture knowledge."

The Joker and I did indeed go home that afternoon, baby Olivia in tow. She was all swathed in her pink swag that we bought her. Don't worry; my child is going to one stylish lady. The Joker was all aggravatingly cute in that he wanted to constantly make sure she was alright and keep touching her, which I don't Olivia liked very much because she started crinkling her nose and shaking her head at him. I think I knew right then that that had to be my daughter, and I felt my heart swell a little with pride. It's a weird, weird thing to bring a child into your life. The weirdest feeling of all is when the cab drops you off and you go into your house with this baby and you're like…now what?

"Now what?" I asked.

He stared at me, "We live our lives with a baby in it."

"It's that simple, huh?" I looked down at her. She was sleeping pretty peacefully.

"I guess. I mean, we've got everything we need right now and we'll just have to wing it as we move along."

"Oh yeah, that sounds like excellent parenting. We'll just wing it? Are you fucking stupid?"

"Babe!" he hissed, "Why are you swearing in front of the baby?"

"She does not understand a single thing I'm saying. Right now I'm just a milk machine." I rolled my eyes, "If you're going to do this whole obsessive parent thing, I'm out, bro."

In response to that, he merely stared dead-pan at me, "Go take a nap. You're getting cranky."

"Eh, fuck you." I said and kissed him, but trudged up the stairs.

I fell asleep for a good couple of hours, and mostly I woke up because I could smell the Joker making garlic bread, one of my favorite things he made. He was actually a somewhat decent cook, considering he had had to live on his own for a long time. I walked down, bleary-eyed, into the kitchen.

He laughed as soon as he saw me, "I knew the smell would get you down here."

"What can I say? I am a fatty at heart." I shrugged, "Or, a fatty in body now."

"You'll be fine. You already look a million times hotter now that you're a mother, specifically the mother of my child." He kissed me swiftly, and put the plate down in front of me, "But for now, stuff your face."

"You are godly." I said, and then proceeded to do so, "Where's Olivia?"

"In the living room, sleeping. I think she must get that from you. I gave her a bottle while you were napping." He said.

"Oh, good, that's good." I nodded, feeling like this moment was a little surreal. It kinda felt like we were babysitting right now, but that child came out of me. Weird shit, I'll tell you. I had decided not to breast-feed because absolutely not I will do that ever in my life, so we got some formula from our doctor in Italy to start her out.

"Yeah, she's doing great so far."

"Dude, it's been 2 hours. We have this thing for the rest of our lives."

"She is not a thing." He said, sitting down across from me, "She is our daughter."

"Ew, it just sounds so weird when you say it like that." I shuddered, "Like, it just feels…strange that I have a child. I don't know why."

"It's going to be an adjustment, you know that."

"Yeah, I do." I fell silent as we finished eating.

"So…" I looked up because the Joker had decided to break the silence.

"Yes?"

"When do we get to…have sex again?" he asked.

"Welp, you win the award for non-sequitur of the year." I declared.

"No, I'm asking a serious question, I promise." He insisted.

"I think like a month, a month and a half, something like that." I said, shrugging, "I have to be all healed or whatever. I don't even want to know what I look like down there."

"I'm sure you're fine."

"You are not in this body. You have not seen the havoc this has wreaked on my body."

"You look beautiful."

"Don't even lie." I shook my head, "Well, I'm done with dinner, so I think I'll just relax and watch some TV and keep an eye on her."

"That's a good idea. I'll do the dishes." He said, standing up.

I walked into the living room and she was all just sleeping in there, in her little pink blanket with flowers on it. I held her for a moment, very cautiously, and settled back into the couch to watch some Italian news. While my boyfriend did the dishes.

WHO THE HELL ARE WE.