Chapter 4

Hanging Over

Lukas pov

'Now it's your turn.'

Wait! WHAT?! I screamed internally. I can't do this. I don't even know how I feel. What if he hates me?

I look over at Mathias. He almost looked nervous. Why? My mind seemed to be going a hundred miles an hour. But then he was right there in front of me, looking suddenly serious and I acted on impulse, grabbing his collar hard and pulling him down to my level. It almost hurt when his lips crashed against mine. It was a mess of teeth, tongues and alcohol infused saliva but I loved it. I loved the way that Mathias slipped on leg between my own, the way his chest felt as I ran my fingers down it, the way is hand rested firmly on the waistband of my jeans, trying decide whether it should move up or down.

Someone cleared their throat awkwardly, before it could make its decision, making us both uncomfortably aware of the four people staring at us; Emil was a red and looked like he wanted to hide, Berwald was making eye contact with me as if to ask a question that I didn't understand, Tino was giggling in a way that made me kinda want to punch him, and Erika was staring at her brother, who'd turned to look elsewhere, her expression unreadable.

'Scuse me,' Mathias said quietly, walking to the kitchen and pouring himself a large glass of something that was way stronger than he should be drinking straight.

As he walked back, Tino said more loudly than I think he meant, 'Those two much really like each other.'

Mathias froze, and I looked anywhere other than at him, noticing briefly that Erika seemed to agree.

Berwald picked up the very drunk Fin, saying, 'I think you've had enough.'

'Ber,' Tino whined, 'you're no fun.'

'You're drunk,' Berwald pointed out.

'Can I go to bed with you?' Tino begged.

Berwald's faced turned scarlet but he answered, 'not until you're sober,' as he vanished up the stairs.

I looked up at the clock which read 2:40 AM. There was a palpable tension in the silence that hung in the room.

Erika stood up, saying, 'I guess now's as good a time as any to start getting this place cleaned up.'

'Rika,' Mathias said, 'just leave it to the morning.' Whatever had been in his glass was gone and he seemed to be struggling to focus.

She put down the glasses she had picked up and walked over to her brother, looping her arm around his back, 'Come on, Matt, you need to go to bed.'

Mathias could barely stand as he leaned against his much smaller sister. Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't just topple over. Exhausted, I stood and began to walk up the stairs.

'You should help him,' Emil said calmly picking up his book from the coffee table as he too prepared to go upstairs.

'Shut up,' I snapped with more anger than I meant to put in, before continuing up the stairs to my room.

When I woke up, I thanked my lucky stars that I didn't tends to get hangovers, although I couldn't deny the nagging ache at the back of my head that told me I needed water now. I threw on a hoodie and sluggishly walked my way down the stairs. I was a little alarmed to find Erika in the kitchen making food. Like me, she had not changed clothes, wearing her glasses, capri length pajama pants and a giant Tshirt she'd no doubt stolen from her brother. At the thought of Mathias, I froze, panicked.

Erika looked up, asking, 'Are you thinking about my brother and that kiss?' Her voice was slightly hoarse. I didn't answer, which she understood to be a yes. She handed me a glass of water and a plate with two pieces of toast before picking up her own. I nodded in thanks and sipped the water.

She sighed, sipping her own drink. 'Lukas,' She said, 'will you answer my question honestly?'

I wanted to say it depends or something sarcastic but my brain wouldn't let me, so I nodded.

'Are you in love with Mathias?'

I wasn't surprised by her question but her bluntness was a bit jarring. I didn't answer for a moment, trying to pick out the words to reply. She waited patiently, letting me think through my response instead of pressing me.

Finally I said, 'I didn't think so at first. We've been been friends since I was a freshman but I'd never thought of him romantically until recently. I mean, he's always been attractive, I can't deny that, and he's always had this was of making people around him feel happy. When I was away for the summer though, I really missed him. More than anyone else in this house, or in my family, I missed Mathias. But he doesn't even know I like men, how could I tell him?' I hadn't even realized how upset I was until she came around the table and hugged me.

'You must have a reason to ask?' I prompted.

She returned to her seat and replied, 'I think Mathias might have feelings for you.'

'Yeah right.' It slipped out.

'Do you not think I know my own brother?' She didn't let mine reply, 'Mathias has always been a serial flirt but he's never dated. Do you know why? Because he hasn't found the right person.'

'So?'

She sighed, 'Last night he blushed when you were dancing. He's never blushed before. And with the kiss. You could tell as well as I that he was nervous. That kiss wasn't a dare to him. If it had been he would have just laughed. But he didn't. Because that kiss mattered to him. It was important. He wouldn't laugh about that.'

It was hard to deny that she was pretty convincing, and I could definitely feel my heartbeat quickening, but I was scared to get my hopes up, and I was scared to get my heart broken.

'She makes a good point,' Berwald emerged from his room, shocking me into choking on my drink.

'Eavesdropping is not nice,' I wheezed, bright red.

'Was an accident. I live here.' He made a good point.

I avoided eye contact with him, feeling completely humiliated.

Erika pointed out, 'You two actually have a lot in common if you think about it.'

'How so?' I grumbled.

'Well for starters, you both have feelings for your best friends, but you're not sure how they feel about you, or if they even like men.' She paused, 'and neither of you would probably listen to me if I tried to convince you of either.'

'You're one to talk,' Berwald countered, obviously embarrassed.

'What do you mean?' I asked, confused.

Erika tilted her head, questioning the Swede.

'So you haven't figured it out yet?' Berwald seemed surprised, 'I thought it was pretty obvious.'

'I still don't know what your talking about?' I asked.

'Really?' Berwald replied, 'He's your brother.'

'Emil?' I asked, 'He hasn't shown interest in a girl or a guy in his life. His only love is..'

'Puffins,' Erika interrupted slightly bitterly, a barely noticeable blush on her cheeks.

I was surprised, 'How did you know that? He doesn't usually talk about that.'

'He has books on puffins but no other specific birds. Also his bookmark.'

'And when did you see his books?' I asked, slightly suspicious as to why she was in his room.

'I was hiding from Mathias.' It seemed like a pretty legitimate excuse but I still felt like something was missing.

'Why Emil?' I asked, 'why hide with him? Most of us would have happily hid you from your brother.'

Her blush seemed to be a little more pronounced as she answered, 'He's the closest to me in age, and the least close to Mathias. Also, since Mathias seems to baby him a little, I thought we might be on the same page.'

Before I could continue my interrogation, Berwald spoke up, 'You're missing the most important piece of information.' At this both Erika and I looked confused, prompting the Swede to continue, 'I saw you staring.'

I didn't quite follow, but I'd probably been too drunk last night to notice anything anyway. However, Erika seemed freeze, her cheeks rapidly going from a light pink to tomato.

At this, Berwald lightly smiled, turning to me, 'Lukas, Emil seems to be in pretty good shape.'

It was a pretty strange statement but when a scrunched up napkin hit him, I knew Berwald had struck a nerve with Erika, who was staring down at her plate. I couldn't tell if she looked like she would cry or kill something.

'It's funny, really,' Berwald continued, 'You two are both in love with each other's brothers but you don't believe anyone who tells you your feelings are reciprocated.'

'No one told me that,' Erika said sadly.

'You wouldn't believe me if I did.'

I turned to Berwald, asking, 'Is Emil really in love her?'

'Yep, ask him. He's awake.'

'What?' Both Erika and I exclaimed.

'Ya, I saw him when I went to check on Tino this morning. He was going downstairs but when he saw Erika down here, he ran back upstairs.'

'That doesn't make me feel better,' Erika muttered, but I was already halfway up the stairs to interrogate my brother.