On the outside looking in
On where I used to belong
Find the shelter to begin
Begin again
She was trapped, trapped in a small room but she was not alone, no they'd never leave her alone.
It always started with their faces as they stood in front of her, she'd picture each of her closest friends the way she felt they'd be. First there was Blair, her stone face, watching her but keeping her distance, the betrayal in her eyes never failed to make Serena shudder. Next there was Dan, he just looked at her like he didn't recognize her anymore and she didn't know how to handle letting him down like that.
Chuck was beside Blair, his face was apologetic but he stayed close to her and Serena understood, his relationship with her was more valuable than their brother-sister relationship, she'd never hold it against him. Finally there was Nate, she always thought he'd be disappointed in her as well after all she did that year to Lola but his face held a source of comfort that no-one else who watched her did, it was almost enough to make her ignore the hatred coming from her ex best friend and boyfriend.
After she pictured their faces, it was Blair and Dan's words that started to play in her mind, blurring together in a mix of disgust and anger. "You happy now, now that I'm as alone as you are." "Get out, I mean it I want you gone for good, pack your things." "The best time I ever had was when you were gone six years ago." Was Blair's voice and not long after came Dan's condescending "You manipulated me into thinking it was over so I could cheat on her." "I don't know who you are anymore." "Serena there is no us, there's only you and now that our parents are splitting up I never have to see you again."
These sentences coming out as clear as the moment she heard them and then they get faster, Dan and Blair speaking over each other in a fight to let her know who thinks less of her, who wants to pretend she doesn't exist like Gossip Girl said and who wants her to be brought down the fastest. Something's different this time, through all this screaming in her head she can hear Nate's voice ring loud and clear, he only speaks once but it's enough to block out the others. "We were never happy without you S, something was always missing."
And then the walls are closing in on her, her limbs feel heavy, she can't move them, she can't stop the walls from crushing her, Nate's words aren't enough to save her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows this is a dream, that she isn't really going to die but it feels so real, she's suffocating as the feeling of claustrophobia overtakes her and she finds herself gasping for breath but she still can't wake up. Summoning all her strength she pushes her arms out to hold the walls away from her, her chest is tight and there is no air in her lungs and she realized with absolute fear that she is going to die.
Serena woke up with a start, her scream stuck in her throat and furiously kicking the blankets off her body, she looked around and found the walls at an acceptable distance from her. She was breathing heavily, her chest still felt tight but relaxing with each breath she took. She brought a shaky hand to her face to wipe the sweat from her forehead.
She looked up to see Nate walk passed her door, he was on the phone so he just glanced in but she must have been looking a little scary because he cut the call quickly and walked into the room.
"Bad dream?" he asked and she nodded. When she first started the drugs she just wanted to go back to who she was before Dan, he said he didn't recognize her so maybe if she was the girl he obsessed about before they started dating he'd love her that much again but after a few days she began taking more and more to block out her thoughts to stop her dreams so that she just passed out and she didn't have to think about how he never wanted to see her again.
"Something like that," she whispered, swallowing and clearing her throat when her voice sounded strange. She only realized that she had cried when Nate touched her cheeks to wipe the tears away. Nate looked at her curiously and hoped he didn't ask and thankfully he knew her well enough to let this go.
"Chuck called, he and Blair are at the Empire, so either we go there or they come here," Nate said clearing his throat, they were at her mother's house, her mother and Bart where in the Hamptons for at least another week so they had the place to themselves. "Serena?"
"Let's go there," Serena said, she didn't want them to come in early like Blair always tends to do and see her in the middle of a panic attack, she wanted to be as collected as she possibly could and maybe then she'd feel as if she had a little bit of power.
"I'm ready when you are," he said, Serena nodded and watched as he left the room. He was staying in Erik's room because she didn't want him to leave, she didn't even have to ask, all she did was point him to Erik's room on the first night and he understood what she wanted.
They had been back in New York for only two days and Serena could feel herself breaking apart, on the outside she tried to hold herself together, steel herself for her reunion with Blair but she wasn't ready to face her just yet.
She knew Nate was getting frustrated with the way she's been acting even if he doesn't say anything, ever since he brought her back she's been speaking less and less, he keeps her updated about things and tries to get responses out of her but she just nods and shows no enthusiasm. It's not that she doesn't want to ease Nate's fears, she just doesn't know how, she feels if she says or does one wrong thing she's going to lose the only person that's on her side right now and she doesn't know if she could handle losing him.
Once she's done she walks out of the room silently to find Nate on the phone with Chuck, she assumes. He's facing away from her looking out into the city, he doesn't know she's there so she just listens.
"I don't know man, you have to see her, I'm a little worried," Nate says and Serena cringes, they're talking about her. "It's not that, she's just … she's not Serena, she barely speaks, she just sorta stares into space a lot," Serena wishes she could hear what Chuck has to say, is he happy that she's not causing trouble or angry that she's withdrawn so much.
She's lost in thought until she hears Blair's name, "Does Blair know," he asked stuffing his hand in his pocket and Serena had to wonder if Blair cared that she was safe, if she knew. "That doesn't sound very reassuring … I don't think -" Nate started but Chuck cut him off. "Ok, I just … I don't want to lose more of Serena than we already have and if Blair -" Nate said but got cut off again and Serena closed her eyes and clenched her fists. "Ok thanks man, I'll see you soon."
Nate dropped his head and sighed before he turned around and stopped short when he saw Serena standing in front of him. "You heard that," he said stuffing both his hands in his pockets.
"Blair doesn't know I'm coming over?" Serena asked letting her eyes drop to the ground.
"She knows, she's just not happy about it," Nate said and Serena nodded. "Don't worry though she's going to make an effort for the Non-Judging Breakfast Club."
Serena's lips tilted up in a smile and Nate felt proud that he finally got a reaction out of her. "I guess they're waiting for us then?"
"Time to face your demons," Nate said shrugged nodding his head to the door and walking ahead of her, Serena watched him and followed.
He was tip-toeing around her, she knew it, Nate wasn't a very touchy person but when he spoke to someone he usually had some kind of physical contact with them but with her he feels like if he touched her she'd break apart in his hands, so he was careful only touching her when he really needed to or when he forgot his rule.
When they reached the Empire Serena stopped, she had been on autopilot all the way to the door, she convinced herself that the afternoon would go smoothly and her mind was so blank that she couldn't think of every little thing that could go wrong but now that she was in the building she couldn't do it.
"Serena, it'll be fine," Nate said reassuring her, his arms reaching for her but dropping at the last second. "Come on," he said holding the elevator open.
"I don't… I can't," she said shaking her head and backing away from the door.
"S, if you feel uncomfortable when we get up there then we'll go back to your mom's immediately but for now I just need show Chuck that I have his sister and she's safe," Nate told her with a tense small smile. "I told you before, you disappeared and he freaked out, he just wants to see you."
Serena backed away from the elevator and Nate a little more, "But what if he doesn't?"
"He does," Nate said forcefully because she had to believe him. "You're only delaying the inevitable, Chuck will come down if he feels we're taking too long to get up there you know that."
Serena sighed, she hated it when he was right. She looked up before getting into the elevator with him. Unconsciously she played with the bracelet on her wrist for something to do, she was so nervous about seeing two people that she'd known all her life.
"Just relax," Nate said when he saw what she was doing and Serena reminded herself that she had Nate, if anything happened she had him. "It will all work out."
"I hope you're right," Serena said softly and Nate was about to reply when the elevator door opened, Nate waited for her to step out and he stepped out after her.
Chuck was waiting for them because as soon as the elevator came to a stop he was standing, he adjusted the top of his suit jacket and walked toward them with a smile. "Nathaniel, Sis," he said in greeting when he came to a stop in front of them. Serena moved herself so she was a little behind Nate, she knew she was acting like a child but she didn't care, she was scared and nervous, her hands were shaking and she felt like she was going to cry, where was Blair?
"Hi Chuck," she said softly doing a quick sweep of the room to find her ex-best friend not in the room.
Chuck raised his eyebrows and looked at Nate who shrugged, it was awkward to say the least, Serena cringed when Chuck reached out to touch her arm to lead her to the couches but she kept her eye's down and she stayed close to Nate.
Chuck and Nate spoke a little most probably about her while she worked through her panic attack, she knew Blair was here and she knew Blair was going to come out at any moment and she was petrified, the last time she saw Blair she was told that life was better without her. "The best time I ever had was when you were gone six years ago." Serena swallowed and picked her head up just in time to be met with Chuck's extremely worried eyes.
"I'm fine," she said immediately and Chuck raised an eyebrow.
"Glad to know," he said smirking. "But I asked why you hid from me."
"I needed to disappear," she said repeating to him what she said to Nate before.
"You could have come to me," Chuck told her and beside her Nate nodded. "I could have helped you disappear, at least then it would have saved us the worry that you were dead."
"I'm sorry," Serena said softly, dropping her eyes.
"Serena, stop doing that, you are not a scared little girl, you can't shrivel up and cry just because you think we are going to turn our backs on you," Chuck said trying his best not to scream at her but he knew who she was and he wasn't going to coddle her like Nate was.
"Chuck," Nate warned, Serena just needed time to get back to who she was he knew that but Chuck ignored him.
"Talk to me Serena, stop hiding behind Nate," Chuck continued and Nate tried his hardest not to just put his arms around Serena and protect her from the fear she must be feeling.
"I think I want to go now," Serena said to Nate and Chuck let an annoyed breath go.
"Don't go yet, we haven't had our big reunion," a voice said from behind them and Serena whipped her head around to see Blair standing there and looking down at them. Serena bit her lip until she tasted blood, the panic was setting in again, the walls closing, Blair's final words replaying in her head and she knows that if she doesn't breath soon she's going to faint.
A/N: Hey guys I dont own Gossip Girl or the awesome song this chapter, which is Circle Backwards by Mark Provart, it was in Scoobydoo 2 and I could never get it out of my head
I'm back from my little vacation so yey me hehe I'm in the middle of a Buffy marathon so we can blame that for the chapter delay lol
I hoped you guys enjoyed this chapter, I tried to get the Blair and Chuck in it but Serena's fears sort of took over most of it so please bear with me as I take her through getting over her emotional trauma, I know the story is really slow but it should pick up soon
The end of this chapter is a little choppy and I apologise, I redid the final part at least 4 times so I hope I got it right.
To my anon reviewers especially my regular ones, could you please sign your name in your review or the name you'd normally use when reviewing the story, if you want to keeo your name to yourself I wont hold it against you hehe
Thank you so much for the reviews on the previous chapter and I hope you take the time to review this chapter as well, thanks for reading Until next time(^^,)
