Author's Note: Alright guys, I really need your help. I'm very iffy about this chapter… I feel like I'm making this story too unreal. Well, obviously this story isn't meant to be "real", although I'm trying to keep everyone in character as much as possible. Please, tell me how this chapter turned out. Is the story getting too dramatic? Too unbelievable? And this chapter is the longest yet. So tell me if you like the long chapters, or should I keep them short? I need to know! :(

Disclaimer: No own.


Chapter Four: Recklessness brings about Consequences

I sit on the cold, metal floor with my arms draped around my legs, crushing them to my chest. My body rocks back and forth in time with my slow, deep breaths.

I'm waiting.

He left me here, and now I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for his return. And I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes.

But I do hope he hurries back soon because I'm getting so hungry and I'm getting so tired. I can't function unless he is with me. He makes me feel safe; he makes me feel invincible, like no one in the world could bring harm to me.

I know he still loves me and that he'll come back for me. He can't function properly without me either, right? He must be feeling some kind of restlessness without my presence around him, I just know it.

And I also know he wouldn't have left me in this particular spot if he didn't think it was in my best interest. I mean, yes it's dark, and yes, it's cold, but my brother wouldn't have placed me here to wait for him unless I needed to stay here.

I continue to rock back and forth, my nails digging into my thighs as I await my twins return.

Exactly how long have I been waiting, anyway? It feels like it's been so long; I can't even keep track anymore.

But suddenly, a form appears in the distance. As soon as I realize a person has entered my vicinity, I immediately fall to my hands and knees and crawl forward. But I can't go far, unfortunately – I'm trapped where Hikaru placed me, forced to wait for him to set me free once more.

Instead, I grip the iron bars of my little cage set up in this forgotten corner and eye the intruder until his identity can be made.

A light flickers around the person, making him give off an angelic glow – and I know who it is.

My doppelganger.

My brother.

My twin.

"Hikaru," I whisper with a tremble. He's finally come back. He's come back for me! I'm so happy that tears race down my cheeks and fall to the cold floor of my metal cage. My heart swells with joy as he stands there, looking from side to side. "Hikaru," I say again, this time more loudly. I grip the bars with my sweaty palms, my lips parting to form an excited grin. "I'm over here!"

More figures make their way into my field of view which causes me to jump back a little. Though, it's not long before I'm leaning forward to grip the metal bars again, trying desperately to recognize the new people a little ways away.

It doesn't take me long. They all have their own glow, just like Hikaru, making it easy for me to point out who is who.

It is the group of people I despise the most. The group of people who are stealing Hikaru away from me – the members of that Godforsaken club.

I watch as Hikaru turns to the group of five and converses nonchalantly. They're far enough to where I can't hear their words clearly, but close enough for me to make out their faces; by the looks of their expressions, they're happy about something. Hikaru says something to the gang, resulting in him putting a hand to the back of his head and laughing.

Haruhi steps forwards a little and says something with a puzzled look. Whatever she said causes Honey-senpai to leap in joy and tug on my brother's arm and pull him in the opposite direction.

No.

He's leaving.

"Hikaru," I yell out, "come back!" No one seems to hear me. Tamaki-senpai pats Haruhi's head and they begin walking, too, behind Honey, my brother, and Mori. Kyouya, realizing everyone has migrated, pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and starts following behind, as well.

"Please, Hikaru!" I yell again, pushing an outstretched arm passed the bars as I try to get my twin's attention. "I'm so cold – so tired! Please, let me out! Take me with you!"

Abruptly, my twin stops and all the others pass him, continuing on their way as if Hikaru was still leading them. It's not until the Host Club disappears from sight does Hikaru move. He turns slightly, looking over his shoulder, staring me directly in the eyes. "Hikaru," I cry, reaching my hand towards him.

We stare at one another for a few moments in silence. Tears fall from my eyes and race down my face, dropping from my chin. My twin flashes a cheeky grin, filling my heart with the hope of being released from my prison. Although, that hope shatters when Hikaru waves at me, then spins back around and begins running after the Host Club members.

"Stop!" I call out. But he continues onward, like I didn't say a word. Like I didn't make a sound.

Like I didn't even exist.

"Hikaru!" My shriek tears and rips at my throat, making it go raw, but that doesn't stop me from calling out his name again and again, trying to get his attention. I begin pulling at the iron bars in a failed attempt to rip them from their place. It's no use.

Without even thinking, I slam my head against the bars as I try to make any amount of noise. Perhaps if I make enough noise, Hikaru will sense my stress and run to my rescue. I yell his name over and over in between forcing my skull to make impact with the thick metal. I can feel a hot, sticky liquid run down my face and mix with my tears until I'm too exhausted to even kneel. I fall on the cold floor on my side, Hikaru's name never failing to leave my lips.

I can't keep my eyes open anymore. They fall shut as my twin fades into the darkness, taking his warming glow with him.

"Hikaru… Hikaru… Hikaru…" I repeat over and over weakly.

"You're all I have. Please, take me with you."

ii

My arms wobble with strain as I push myself up from the bathroom floor. The movement causes my head to spin, so I immediately sit down with my back against the bathtub; its chilling temperature matching that of the tiled floor. I grip my head with my hand while shaking off the remaining remnants of my latest nightmare.

Breathing in deeply causes a coughing fit to ensue, but I try to conceal it as best I can by clasping my hands tightly over my mouth. My foot ends up kicking something, which sends it rolling across the floor, its contents sloshing about. The second I look at the rolling object, I direct my attention somewhere else.

Bleh. I don't even want to look at that bottle. My head is throbbing just thinking about the strong, burning liquid. I decide to put my mind on other things instead. I bring myself up from the floor, this time slowly, and make my way over to the mirror located above the sink. I blink a few times before gazing upon my reflection.

My eyes are glazed over and bloodshot, making the dark circles around them stand out even more. My hair is knotted and disheveled; in some spots sticking up, in other spots flattened to my scalp. I waver from side to side as I note the dried tear trails leading from my eyes to the bottom of my chin.

I don't even want to look down.

Although, my curiosity gets the better of me.

I examine my arms first, flipping them over and then back. Fresh, healing wounds lay amongst old, fading ones. My eyes then trail down my torso, noting how it carried no new ones, and immediately pull down the sides of my pajama pants. I could already tell more abrasions waited to be discovered by the way my sides ached whenever I moved, but I still wanted to inspect the damage.

Red, crusty lines of all sizes zigzag on both of my hips, the cuts on my left hip going down to the top of my thigh. Hm, I think as I observe my handiwork, I don't even remember going that far down. I must've been too far gone by that point.

What day is it even? I can't even keep track of days lately. They've begun to run into each other, making it difficult for me to distinguish when the day starts, and when it ends.

For me, it never ends. Every day is exactly the same – and so is every night. It's like one continuous cycle with no end in sight. My days are filled with annoying emotions that I try to cut out by night. I can't even tell when I started dipping into my parent's wine collection – or even where I got the idea from. Perhaps, too much television? I laugh at that idea.

But it seems to help when I'm spending my nights alone, locked in our private bathroom. It helps dull the pain, along with my little pair of gold scissors.

I laugh again – soothing pain with pain. I shake my head at the contradiction. But, then again, isn't that all I am? Just one big contradiction, unable to come to a basic conclusion about anything.

A harsh jiggle of the bathroom door handle followed by a loud knocking startles me enough to make me almost fall over. I grip the counter in front of me before I fall as I listen to the voice on the other side of the door say, "Kaoru? What are you doing in there?"

Shit, I curse myself. What time is it? I'm usually cleaned up and out before Hikaru even notices I've left the bed. But damn it all, he's awake! Do I have school today?

"Kaoru?" Hikaru calls out again. Damn it, why won't he just leave me alone? He's been on my back – even more lately; I can't stand it!

"Yeah?" I answer back with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

"What are you doing? Can I come in?"

"I-I took a shower."

There's a slight pause. "Why so early? It's barely six, and there's no school today."

Shit. Not a school day. What now? "Uh, because I felt like it. Geez, can't I take a shower without being questioned?" I snap back.

Another pause. Even though Hikaru isn't saying anything, I can still feel his presence on the other side of the wooden door. I close my eyes and tilt my head up towards the ceiling, tracing the mutilated skin on my arms with my fingertips. Please, just go away, I mentally plead. I can't bear to have Hikaru around me – not when I'm like this. I don't deserve him.

I'm a social outcast at school, forced to sit alone at Host Club (with Hikaru checking up on me every so often to make sure I haven't snapped). If I didn't go to Host Club, then neither would Hikaru, and I can't have his absence to the club on my conscious as well. It's bad enough that I can't participate anymore, and I can tell how upset Kyouya-senpai is over that. But a lot of girls have been visiting Hikaru since my… shall I say, episodes? Well, whatever you'd call them, they seem to have the clients very sympathetic towards my brother. So I usually just sit alone in the corner of the room, swallowing my emotions along with my tea and pretend to read through some fashion magazines or work on my missing schoolwork assignments. Sometimes Tamaki-senpai or Honey-senpai, or even Haruhi, come over and chat with me between appointments. I smile and continue the conversation, but I can tell by their expressions that they're choosing their words carefully, as to not set me off again.

They're nervous around me. Mori-senpai doesn't even let Honey-senpai next to me without following – and that's bad, seeing as Honey is a martial arts master. I'm sure Mori doesn't think I could ever hurt Honey, I bet he's just nervous about how I may act or what I might say to scare or offend his cousin.

I hate the Host Club, but it hurts my feelings to know that I'm not allowed to participate.

Huh, more contradictions?

I'm so confused. What do I even want out of life? What does life want out of me? I try so hard, so hard, but all I manage to do is mess things up, push people away, and continuously contradict what I want.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I want my brother by my side, and I don't want him to drift from me – however, I can't help but push him away every waking moment. I want him to go away, but I want him to stay, too.

Why is everything so difficult! Why?

Tears slide down my face and land on the tiled floor. I glance down just in time to see them splash onto a glinting object. A tiny, glinting object. A sharp, tiny, glinting object.

I scoop up the gold scissors from my mother's old manicure set as the bothersome emotions collect in my throat and form a lump, giving out a tiny sob as I choke on it.

I hate emotions. I wish I could just cut them all out. Bleed all my troubles away. Without even thinking, I drag the stained-red blades across my arm, running into the newer ones and reopening them. I do it again, growling in my throat as the blade slices my skin apart. And, again without thinking, I turn to the dark, glass bottle on the floor, pop the top and take a couple rushed sips, some of the liquid pouring out the corners of my mouth.

My quick movements send my head spinning, and as soon as the wine hits my stomach, it is immediately rejected. The bottle makes a loud clang sound when it leaves my hand and makes contact with the porcelain floor; its contents spilling out, turning the white floor a murky purple. My body trembles as my vision blurs with new sickening tears. I can feel the burning liquid erupting back up my esophagus and I gag. I place my hand over my mouth, turning towards the toilet.

My head is still spinning and I can't tell which toilet is the real one. I fall to my knees and reach out for the bowl – a heave rippling through my body, a most unpleasant noise.

But more unpleasant than the sound of my stomach expelling its contents is the sound of the bathroom door jiggling again, and then opening. "Kaoru," I hear that all-familiar voice, thick with concern, yell out. I peel my gaze away from the spoiled toilet water for a moment to gape at my brother.

"How did you…?" I begin, but then I see the credit card held firmly in his grasp. Damn it.

I can't tear my eyes off my brother as I see his expression turn from concern for me, to shock and confusion as he observes our bathroom – alcohol spilled all over the floor, soaking into the blue floor-mat in front of the tub. Most likely, this room smells of stale wine, and now, vomit. Nothing like the soapy, clean smell of a shower I said I had taken. But there's something else dotted and splattered around this room – and I can see Hikaru staring at it. Drops of blood on the floor, porcelain sink, and smeared over the side of the toilet. And it's still dripping from my arm and pooling on the floor below.

"Hik-ka-" I stutter and then stop; the smell of the spilt alcohol wafting to my nostrils, causing my stomach to lurch again. I spill my guts out into the porcelain bowl, sweat forming on my brow. I feel like shit, and I undoubtedly look it, too.

I can feel Hikaru approaching me, slow and hesitantly, and all I can think is, No. "G-go away," I tremble. I'm shivering, but I don't feel cold. "Get out!"

I give Hikaru the most menacing stare I can muster, but instead of flinching away like others would, he kneels down beside me, takes some tissues from the tissue box, lifts my injured arm, and presses the soft paper to my cuts. "Y-you're bleeding…" He trails off. His tone seems calm, acting as if I, myself, didn't know the fact that I was cut open, although his face still portrays the same mixture of shock and confusion. And that look only multiplies tenfold when he observes the other injuries I have, old and new.

I can't take his look of alarm and disappointment as he gazes over just my left arm. I don't want to imagine what he'd look like if he saw the rest of my body. I pull my arm away and give him an angry glare, the tissues sticking to my arm. "I don't need your help. Just go," I command.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why is this happening? Why did Hikaru have to barge in? Can't I have some privacy?

I'm sweating now, I can feel it collecting on the nape of my neck, running down the side of my face, and forming on my chest. My head is spinning as I heave once more, though nothing comes up but a disgusting noise that I'm embarrassed for Hikaru to hear. My arms start to shake under my weight – I'm so exhausted, I can't hold myself up anymore.

Suddenly, a cool, soft fabric is dabbing and patting at my face. I don't care; I fall sideways into my brother's chest, panting and trying to find some sort of comfort.

"Kaoru…" my twin says through a thick layer of confusion while still dabbing at my face with a washcloth.

I don't answer him. I don't want to – and it's not like I have enough strength to. I just close my eyes and let the sweet relief of relaxation take me away. That, combined with the soothing sound of Hikaru's slightly racing heart, sends me off into the land of unconsciousness.

I hope that's where I'll stay.

ii

Ugh, my head is throbbing. It's like my head is about to crack open in two from all the pressure. I've suffered from hangovers before, but none like this. I must've really overdone it last night – er, this morning. What time was it even? How long was I out for? Ow, I groan in my throat. Thinking hurts. And the voices outside my door aren't doing me any justice either.

Shut up. Just shut up, I want to scream, but even the thought of opening my mouth has my stomach doing flips. I pull the blankets further over my head in an attempt to muffle out the sounds.

It's no use.

Ugh. What do they have to talk about anyways?

"Not even for dinner?" I hear a feminine voice question. One of the maids, I conclude.

"No, not even for dinner." Another voice answers. I know whose voice it is without a doubt. But what is he talking about? Couldn't he be a little quieter?

"May I ask why?" The maid questions again.

"Just know that he is to have nothing sharp. Tell the others, too. And if I find out any of you disobeyed me, I'll have you dismissed without hesitation. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Hikaru-sama. Anything else I should be aware of?"

Nothing sharp? The memories of this morning come crashing through my skull like a 16-wheeler truck blows through a wet paper towel. My eyes grow wide with shock and I sit up in bed. The room sways a bit and something damp and heavy falls from my forehead onto the blankets. I pick up the washcloth, noticing how my arms are wrapped with gauze. I quickly glance at my sides to discover that they, too, had been tended to.

Nothing sharp, storms through my head again, causing me to hop from my shared bed and run to the bathroom. I don't even bother to close the door – Hikaru already found out, what would be the point of hiding now?

I throw open the drawer under the sink counter that holds my most valued possession. I rummage through the drawer, pushing miscellaneous items aside, my actions becoming more rushed with every passing second. I slam that drawer closed when I cannot spot it and move to the next drawer. I rummage through that one, coming up with the same result.

I just begin my search in the last drawer when, suddenly, a voice cuts in, "You're not gonna find it." I jump a little and gaze up. Hikaru is leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, his face scrunched together to form a very dissatisfied expression. "I already got rid of it."

All I can do I stare. Hikaru has never looked at me with such disappointment in his eyes before. It sends a jolt of something uneasy through my body, making me look away. I feel like I was caught sticking my hand in the cookie jar before dinner or something. I just swallow and continue to look away.

That is, until Hikaru grabs my elbow and brings me into our bedroom and sits me on our bed. He then flicks on the light which makes me squint and bring a hand up instinctively to protect my eyes from the burning brightness. It's like the whole sun had taken residence in our room.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Hikaru falsely apologizes, "is that too bright?" He then strolls over to our bed and sits next to me, his scrutinizing look never leaving my form. "How's your hangover?" He all but spits the words at me.

I can't even turn my head in my twin's direction. I can't believe this is happening. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"I knew something was up… but I never even fathomed anything like this. Are you insane?" Hikaru asks. I don't reply. I just turn my head in the opposite direction and lethargically shrug my shoulders. "Are you going to answer anything I ask? Or are you really that stupid?"

"Do Mom and Dad know?" I rasp out weakly.

A harsh laugh escapes through Hikaru's clenched teeth and I can sense him shaking his head at me. "You really are out of it. Mom and Dad have been gone for three days on business."

This causes me to turn abruptly towards him and gape. I really don't want to ask my next question, but it's something I really need to know. "Today is Sunday, right? Because we have no school?"

"Try Tuesday."

"But-"

"We're on Spring Break. You really have no clue what's going on, do you? Do you even remember your own name?" Hikaru mocks.

"Why are you being so mean to me?" I retort, on the brink of tears at my brother's cold treatment towards me. This causes him to throw his hands on the bed next to my side and lean forward so our faces are only inches apart.

"Because you of all people should know how stupid and senseless your actions were this morning. And judging by your other cuts, you've been doing this for a while! Without me even knowing! I've asked you plenty of times to talk to me, and I've asked you if everything was alright and you lied to me. You lied straight to my face, Kaoru. How do you think that makes me feel, huh?"

"It's not always about you, Hikaru!" I snap at him, angry tears forming in my eyes. "You think you know everything. But you know nothing!"

"Oh yeah? Then enlighten me. Tell me, what the hell gives you the right to pull a stunt like this? And for your sake, it better be a good explanation." Hikaru's expression matches mine perfectly. Eyebrows scrunched together and pulled downwards, lips frowning, angry tears forming in the corner of his eyes. I can't take the sight of him almost crying. I just want him to leave – to go away and leave me to wallow in my despair. I look away again and close my eyes tightly, letting the tears free fall onto my clenched fists. "I thought so." Hikaru's voice wavers as he brings the side of his finger up to gently push on his eye, ridding himself of the liquid about to escape, repeating the action with the other eye.

A sudden jerk of the bed sends my eyes opening again, only to see Hikaru standing and walking towards the door. "Get dressed. Dinner is almost done," But I'm not hungry, "and yes, you will be eating." Then I'll just go hide somewhere, "Oh, and don't bother trying to hide. I have two maids guarding the door, and all they have to do is call for me and I'll be up here faster than they can say your name," Boy this is pissing me off. I need something sharp, something to take my mind off of this, "And if you haven't noticed, everything sharp has been removed not only from our bathroom, but from our entire room, too, so don't bother anymore with of that crap. When you're done, let the maids know and I'll be up here to escort you to the dining room. If you're going to act like a child, then I'll treat you like one."

It's like Hikaru can read my mind. Hikaru opens our door, walks through it, and recloses it. I can hear him saying a few things on the other side, most likely to my new guards.

I'm not hungry, I angrily think to myself. But then, a low grumbling noise emanates from my empty stomach, reminding me of how I upchucked everything in it this morning, and I haven't eaten since. "Stop contradicting me," I say to no one in particular.

Okay, if Hikaru wants to play this game – then I humbly accept. He of all people should know how much I love games.