Chapter Four – Bella POV – August 2015
"Edward I know." I didn't yell, but I did raise my voice. "I promised, I know. I didn't say I wasn't going to do it, I just said I feel like crap today."
"I know you do, baby. But the doctor said with this medication its normal."
I stared at him. I was on day seven of Provera, day five of clomid and to be honest it was kicking my ass. My breast hurt all the time and some days I'm so bloated that I cant fit into my jeans. I have constant headaches and I think my mood swings are going to give Edward whiplash. "I know that." I sighed, getting irritated. "I'll go get dressed and we can go." He didn't say anything. "Put Milo in the kitchen please, I'll just be a moment."
Once upstairs, I closed the bedroom door and tears started to fall. I didn't fully know why I was crying. I was just tired and irritated. I know I promised Alice we'd come over for dinner, but I never imagined I would feel this bad. Groaning, I went to the closet and threw on a pair of stretchy pants, jeans just didn't do it because of the bloating. I threw on a light red sweater and brushed my hair out, before going back downstairs. Edward already had Milo put up and he was whining from the kitchen. I patted his head on my way to put my shoes on. "We will be back soon, boy."
Edward was standing by the door. "Are those sweat pants?"
I stopped and stared at him, my anger coming quick at his tone. "No, they are just stretchy pants. I cant fit into any of my jeans. I'm really bloated today. Is there a problem with what I'm wearing because if so you can go by yourself."
Edward flinched. "No, I'm sorry you just normally don't wear stuff like that out of the house." He opened the door and I stomped my way out of it. "You know," He said to my back, while locking the door, "This is a dinner party. More then just Alice and Jasper are going to be there." He walked passed me and I glared daggers at his back and followed him to the car.
"Yes Edward, I know." I yanked the door open and slammed it once inside. "But I cant fucking help it, okay? I can not fit into my jeans and I'm not wearing a dress because that will push on my breast. I am not going to be in pain to go to a dinner party that I really don't even feel like going to. So again if there is a problem with what I'm wearing, I will get the hell out of this car and you can go alone.
He didn't say anything else, just pulled out of the driveway.
I sat in the middle of Edward and Jasper at the dinner table. I wasn't really hungry, felt more sick actually so I just sipped my water and listened to everyone talk. Emmett was here, along with his girlfriend of a few months Rosalie. They are nice people, but also pretty annoying when you have a headache. I felt Edwards elbow in my side and jerked. He nodded his head toward Rosalie and I sighed. "I am sorry, what did you say?"
She smiled. "I just asked what it is that you do? I know Edward works with his dad, but you never said."
"I am a stay at home wife."
"Oh." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Like Alice."
I nodded and smirked at her disgusted look. Someone didn't agree with the old fashioned way of running a household. Alice smiled at me. "Bella is also an amazing baker and decorator. My friends ask to order her cakes all the time, but she won't take orders."
"Why not?" Rosalie asked.
I shrugged. "Not something I want to make money from."
Rosalie raised her eyebrow. "You'll pass up making money just because you don't want to work. I mean baking a cake cant be that hard."
"You'd be surprised." I said, then turned my head towards Alice. "Where are the kids tonight?" If I didn't ignore that woman I was going to come across this table and kill her.
"They are at your moms house. They get to come home tomorrow, but then my mom wants them for the night." She laughed and grabbed Jasper hand. "Our parents make sure we get plenty of breaks."
I smiled, slightly wishing I didn't bring this conversation up. "That's good."
I turned my head back to staring at my plate and decided not to talk to anyone else, unless asked a direct question. I listened as everyone talked. I found that Jasper and Alice was trying for their third and final child and that Emmett and Rosalie was talking about marriage. Which is just crazy to me since they've only just been dating a few months. I also found out that Emmett not only works on the farm for Jasper, but is also a personal trainer. Rosalie, surprisingly worked at a shop fixing and detailing cars. Alice was thinking about going to college so she could get a job once all her kids were in school. Jasper didn't say much, but I could see him giving me concerned looks every now and then. I tried to smile at the right times and ask a few question, but it was hard when you really have no interest in what the people are saying so I don't think I fooled Jasper. At the end of the night he asked me to go to lunch one day with him and I agreed.
Laying in bed that night, I turned toward Edward and softly touched his back. "I'm sorry."
He turned toward me and grabbed my hand. "For what?"
"For being so crazy the last week."
He kissed my forehead. "It's not your fault and its okay."
I nodded and we laid there for a bit when I realized I have been so caught up in my own stuff, I never asked him how his appointment went. "I'm sorry for never asking, how did your appointment go?"
He laughed. "It was weird and awkward, which is why I never said anything about it. They took me in this room, with nothing but a chair and table. They had magazines. I think it was suppose to be porn, but you'd think they'd be able to afford something at least decent. And I didn't want them to think I was a two pump chump, so I waited ten minutes before I even done it." He started laughing. "And afterwards, I had to actually walk out with a cup full of my junk and I felt like everyone was staring at me."
"Oh, you poor baby." I cooed, running my fingers through his hair.
"It was weird." He repeated. "And hopefully I will never have to do it again."
I nodded, moving to cuddle into his chest. "I hope so too."
He was quiet for a few moments, then asked. "Bella, do you think all this is really worth it?"
"What are you taking about?"
He sat up, leaning against the headboard and I followed. "All of this. The medication, the pain your going through, not to mention we got our first bill the other day, it was well over 2 grand. Do you think this is really worth it to have a baby?"
I stared at him, not understanding. "Of course its worth it!"
"Bella, don't get crazy over this." He sighed. "I'm just saying it's a lot. What you have to go through and the bills, it's a lot."
I got out of bed, my anger raising. "Yes, it is but I thought we both agreed this is what we wanted?"
"See, this is why I hadn't said anything because I knew you'd get crazy over it."
"Of course I am getting crazy over it. I'm doing this for us. I'm taking this stupid medication and dealing with the crazy side effects for us and here you are pretty much telling me its not worth it!"
"But your not doing it for us." He said, not looking at me. "You're the one with the dream of having kids, not me. Your doing it for you."
I stared at him. "You don't want kids?"
He groaned. "Yes, I do but not this badly. Not enough to pay thousands and thousands of dollars on it and see you go through pain month after month. If you want to do it, we will but I just want you to know you don't have to do it for me, because if we never have kids then I will be fine with it."
I nodded. "Okay, good. That's really good to know."
I turned, leaving the room before he could say anything. I really thought this was something we both wanted. Something we both decided was worth fighting for and here we are almost done with our first round of meds and he decides its not worth fighting for anymore? I tried to calm down, to see it his way but no matter how I looked at it I just got more angry. I know its a lot of money and I'm kind of a pain in the ass right now, but we agreed. Before we done anything we agreed that it would be worth it. No matter what we would have to go through we agreed it is something we both want. I went downstairs and cuddle into the couch and the tears started. I didn't want to put Edward through all this if its not something he wanted, but I also wasn't willing to give up on something I've spent my whole life dreaming of.
Milo looked up at me from his bed and happily with a wagging tail came to jump on the couch and lay beside me. "Hey boy." I patted his head and it didn't take long until little puppy snores were coming out of his nose.
"Bella."
I looked up at Edward. "Yes?"
He came and took a seat beside Milo. "I'm sorry, okay? Its not that I don't want kids, I'm just worried about you. I'm worried about how the medication effects you and what's going to happen if your not pregnant in the end. I'm really worried."
I nodded. "I'm worried to, but this is worth it. Even if I have to go through hell to get a baby, its worth it to me."
"I know. For you it is worth it. I just want you to know that you don't have to do this for me. If you want to do it, I'll do it for you but I want you to know that you don't have to do it for me."
"But I want you to want this just as much as me. If it isn't worth it for you, then we shouldn't be doing it."
"Bella, I want all your dreams to come true. This is your dream and to make your dream come true, its worth it for me."
"I just don't want to put you through all this if its not something you want too. It can't just be my dream, it has to be ours." He didn't say anything to that and I sighed, getting up. "Let's just go to bed."
When I woke up the next morning Edward wasn't in bed, but Milo was. He was snoring away laying in Edwards spot. I chuckled and leaned over to take my medication. Just Provera, since I only had to take clomid for five days. After a quick shower I went downstairs. From the kitchen window I could see Edward outside working in the yard. I sighed. I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't willing to stop trying, but I really wanted him to want this just as much as I did.
I made a simple breakfast, eggs and bacon and put a fresh pot of coffee on. Milo came down when I was almost done and I opened the door for him so he could run the yard. I left it open and yelled to Edward that breakfast was almost done. As soon as breakfast was done he went back outside and I cleaned the kitchen. After that I done a few loads of laundry, scrubbed the bathrooms until they was shiny and got started on dinner. Edwards favorite, roast, carrots, onion, celery and potatoes. Deciding to make it even better, I made some home made sweet cornbread and a small double chocolate cake. By the time the house was clean and everything cooked it was 6pm and other than for a drink and to use the bathroom Edward had hardly come in at all. I called him in and he told me he wanted to grab a quick shower before he ate. I gave Milo food and water while I waited. When he came back downstairs he smiled at me.
"Sorry I was outside so long, a lot of work out there. I still got more to do."
"Its okay." I told him, filling both our plates with food. "I spent the day cleaning up this messy house, so it works. You would have been bored in here anyway."
"This looks great." He smiled. "My favorite."
We ate in silence for a few minutes, then Edward laid his fork down and stared at me. "Bella, I am in this 110%. I want a family with you. I really do. I was just trying to tell you last night that I don't want you putting all this stress on yourself, feeling like you have to do it for me."
I looked away from him. "I know what you was trying to say. I just want you to want this as much as me."
He grabbed my hand and laughed lightly. "You and I both know men and women are different. I want a family with you, but I will never want a family as much as you."
I didn't find that very funny, but didn't want to start another fight. "Okay."
The past few days Edward and I haven't said anything more about the worth of having a baby. I think both of us were afraid to start another fight, something we have only done a hand full of times our whole marriage. I was done with both my medications and was due to ovulate any day now. I've been taking ovulation test like crazy. I also found a Facebook page for women that are trying to conceive with PCOS. The page was great for questions and information. The only thing I didn't understand was that these ladies pretty much had their own language. After hours of reading and not understanding, I finally decided to google and came up with a interesting little story to read and help you understand the terms they use.
First a couple will want to enjoy BD (baby dance) or some BMS (baby making sex). Which commences the dreaded TWW (two week wait). Two weeks later, or 14 DPO (days post ovulation), the woman will take a pregnancy test, or POAS (pee on a stick) and hope fervently for a BFP (big fat positive). You don't want to see the arrival of AF (aunt flow) or a BFN (big fat negative). If you get good news you can calculate your EDD (estimated due date) and prepare to battle a welcome visitor, MS (morning sickness).
It took me three or so times reading it before I finally started to remember it, but even still I cant keep up with the ladies in the group. Its nice to have someone that truly understands to talk to though.
Currently I was standing in the middle of the store, trying to decide what ovulation test I wanted to get since I ran out yesterday. I've been taking two a day. One around 1pm and the other around 6pm. The last one I took yesterday was getting dark, so I was hopeful that I would ovulate today. I stared at the digital test, wondering if that would be the best bet. The line test are sometimes a pain in the butt since the test line has to be as dark or darker then the control line. Sometimes its hard to tell if its positive or not. I sighed and grabbed a box both of both, then moved on to pregnancy test. I got a box of first response test, since the ladies on my PCOS group said blue dye aren't very good. Something about 'evap lines', whatever that means. I should probably google it, I thought randomly while trying to decide if I wanted to go ahead and get a box of digital test as well.
"Why not?" I said aloud and threw them in the cart. I done a bit more shopping for random things we needed around the house before leaving the store and going home. It took me two trips to get everything in the house and when I finally did, I realized it was 1pm and went up stairs to pee in another cup, after letting Milo out and putting away any cold food. I ripped open the digital test and dipped it in the urine for the right amount of time, then last minute decided to go ahead and test a regular one too, just in case. I sat them both on the counter and poured my pee in the toilet before throwing out the cup and washing my hands. I looked down at the test and about screamed. They were both positive.
"Oh my…" Over a year I've been taking this test and this is the first positive I have ever gotten. I wanted to jump and scream with joy. Big fat happy tears rolled down my cheeks and I grabbed my phone and took a picture and sent it to Edward.
The meds worked! Look who is ovulating! Xoxo –B
Authors Note – Thanks for reading and to those that have reviewed thank you! I am so glad some people are enjoying this story.
Credit for the little TTC language story goes to the team of writers on Preseed . com
I did not write it and am in no way claiming I did. If you want to check out the page, remove.
