A/N - To all of you reading, many thanks! I hope you all continue to enjoy the story. Feel free to PM or review, I'm glad for your comments.
Chapter Four - Loser's Weepers
Kodiak Shuttle – Departing Thessia/Returning to the Normandy
Liara gazed with glassy eyes at her teammates as they boarded the shuttle. Very little was said during the trip back to the Normandy. The team took their seats and quietly applied first aid to each others' wounds. It was a miracle that the fallen temple pillar hadn't injured Ashley or Javik more severely. The pair were lucky that the column toppled into the broken facade of the beacon, cushioning it and propping it at an angle that merely trapped them, instead of crushing them.
Physically, Shepard received the worst of it. Liara felt the small, egg-shaped bone bruise on her own forehead that was a result of Jane's lifesaving tackle. Her head and shoulder ached, but otherwise, she only sported a few abrasions. Torn between relief for not losing her head to Kai Leng's sword and guilt for the gaping injury to Jane's face, she tended her lover's wound.
The doctor wiped her eyes and disinfected her hands, then quietly sat a med-kit on the seat by the Commander. Her hands trembled as she gently applied medi-gel to the vicious cut over Shepard's brow, cheek and jaw. Luckily it had missed her eye, but it bled copiously even with the medicine. Suffering from shock, the subdued Commander's face was hot, sticky and pale. The tissue around the wound had taken on the color of Liara's own lips from the concussion of the sword strike. The laceration was deep and looked dreadful.
Shepard didn't flinch as Liara attended the angry mess. The maiden wondered at the human's capacity to withstand the pain and blood loss. She ached for Shepard as she looked at her lover's wounded, grimy face. Though the doctor's specialty was prothean studies, she was certain that the wound would leave a scar despite the Lazarus Project implants. Every time either of them looked at it, they would remember this day. That is, if they even had a future after this day. I nearly lost you again today.
Liara knew that Shepard had reached her limit. She'd seen the Commander angry and in pain, but not like this. She felt the waves of it as she held the N7's head in her hands. She fervently hoped that her bondmate was not reproving herself. But she knew better. Shepard always held herself accountable. She took responsibility for every detail whenever anything went wrong and frequently gave away the credit for her own successes.
Shepard had been magnificent in action on the planet's embattled surface. She had driven herself and the team, maintaining their focus with determination and charisma, never wavering from their objective. Despite her own towering losses and the accompanying grief, the thoughts of Jane's pure physicality and grit caused Liara to shiver with a surge of excitement and need. You have no idea of how incredible you are.
Liara knew that force was the only one that could pull the recalcitrant factions of the galaxy together. The only one with any hope of taking the data back. Cerberus. The asari maiden berated herself for dropping the ball with the Mars data. How could I have missed it? I'm supposed to be the all-powerful Shadow Broker...What a fool I am.
Finishing her ministrations, she sat as close as she dared to Shepard, who had turned away to silently fix her raptor's gaze out a porthole. Deep in thought, Liara surveyed her own emotions, noting that the array of feelings were beginning to suffocate her rationality. She felt as if she had been pulled beneath the heaving waves of a deep, tempestuous sea. Her list swelled and swiftly the review brought on a torrent of pent up grief, deep disappointment, and bitter, bitter hostility for her mother, the Matriarchs, Javik, the Reapers, Cerberus, and...herself.
By the goddess, how am I going to manage all of this? I have to function. Shepard needs me. I have failed her...she should hate me. And, my people! What about them? But, Shepard...
She struggled to surface, allowing her wistful gaze to stray to the object of her errant thoughts and chastised herself for being so selfish. The asari leaned into her seat, face to the bulkhead, drawing herself up, fighting the constant tears that threatened to flow unrestrained. She needed to suppress all of this, needed to stay in control.
Her sanity was leeching away with every sweeping wave of emotion. Covering her eyes with her hands, she began a meditation she'd used in the past, hoping to lock away the storm that raged inside. Liara T'Soni was suddenly losing it and she just couldn't let that happen.
"Commander Shepard," she heard Cortez call from the cockpit, "we're on approach."
Liara watched with concern as the deathly quiet Commander stood up, fever in her stormy eyes, her countenance grim and ghostly white. Looking up to catch her eye and failing, she listened to Shepard issue orders in a cold, clear voice. "When we get in, I want all of you to check in with Dr. Chakwas. Once you're cleared, get cleaned up and meet me in the War Room in one standard hour. I'll hold the debrief there with the rest of the crew."
Liara looked one last time at Shepard as she walked careworn from the shuttle. At that moment she'd have given anything just to be alone with her. But, they had to locate Cerberus and reacquire the data. Along with that task, her lover already bore the burden of galactic survival on her back. And, she'd already been through so much. Shepard had so many responsibilities, so many people depending on her, so many worries that it overwhelmed the doctor's already stressed brain. It didn't seem right or fair to the maiden for her own concerns to heap more weight on the beleaguered Commander. She couldn't ask that of her, it was too much. Her own legs barely carrying her, the asari resolved to get through this on her own.
xxx
Normandy SR-2/Cargo Hold and Med Bay
The team followed the Commander's orders and silently dispersed once they hit the Cargo Bay. After dropping their weapons and hard suits off at their lockers, they left for the Med Bay. Shepard watched them leave as she entered preliminary report notes into the mission console and updated EDI on the team's status.
Javik seemed to be oddly unperturbed. Ash looked like she was ready to spit fire. But, Liara looked lost, so distressed and distraught, her sapphire eyes haunted. The sorrow in those eyes made Jane's heart break, even as her own mind was filled with self-loathing and absolute hate for the Reapers and Cerberus. She rubbed at her pained face, her bare hand coming away coated in a sick pink gel, and made her way to the Med Bay.
Karin sarcastically declared Shepard's cut, "a masterful stroke", then efficiently disinfected it and repaired the damage with heavy bonding surgical glue, several good old fashioned stitches and a generous medi-gel patch. The good doctor knew that Shepard was preoccupied with the day's events and didn't press her for details. Instead, she quietly provided competent, caring treatment and sent the Commander on her way. As Shepard prepared to head for her quarters, Karin strongly urged her to get some rest and to encourage Liara to do the same.
The doctor paused at the door, her cultured voice soft and kind. "Commander, I'm sorry about the mission...and Thessia. If there's anything I can do to help. Well, just let me know."
Shepard managed a half smile. Not trusting her voice to answer without breaking, she nodded her thanks and padded off to the loft.
xxx
Normandy SR-2/The Loft
Shepard trembled as she entered the safety of the loft and came to a stop as the door swiftly closed behind her. A quick glimpse into the cabin revealed that she was alone.
"Damn it!" She cursed, dropping to the floor, allowing herself to feel the anger coursing through her veins and the anxiety that gripped her guts like a vise.
Jane hated to cry. She would have been mortified to shed tears in front of her crew. But here, alone, the unbidden tears couldn't be stopped anymore than the heaving sobs escaping her chest. As she sat there, immobilized with grief, she thought of everyone who was depending on her: Tevos, Anderson, Hackett, her crew, the galaxy,...her...Liara.
Thessia is in ruins and the data is gone. Is there anything I could have done different? How am I going to face Tevos? Wait...where is Liara? God, I can't give up. There's so much to do...but, I need to talk with her. That bastard Leng almost killed her. I haven't given her the time of day since before the temple. She fought so hard...so bravely...she took care of me...did I even thank her? I have failed her miserably. How did this all go so wrong?
Her mind reeled with a lack of cohesion. Rocking herself, Shepard allowed herself the luxury of all of two minutes to regain her composure. Then pushing up, she stumbled into the head. Gingerly, she removed her compression suit, noting the various aches and pains plaguing her body. Sighing, she remembered a line from an ancient earth movie. "It ain't the years, it's the miles."
She stared into the mirror as she turned on the shower, waiting for the room to steam up. The cut across her forehead and face was a nasty one even by her own standards. Miranda went to all that trouble to make me pretty and I went and messed up her masterpiece.
She winced, gingerly tracing the line of thing. Chakwas told her the wound would scar. Since the Illusive Man had possession of the Catalyst, Jane wondered if she would live long enough for it to even heal. Tears came again as the thought took hold.
She couldn't stand the thought of losing to the Reapers, of the many more deaths it would mean. And, it was unbearable to contemplate anything happening to Liara, especially in the depraved clutches of a banshee or one of the other Reaper monsters. Hundreds of terror filled scenarios danced through her head. The things she had seen on Thessia and Earth merging with the graphic, gory visions of the prothean beacon's original warning.
"Get it together, N7! You're not dead yet."
She stepped into the hot stream of the shower and let the water wash the dirt, grime and tears away. Leaning into the bulkhead, she imagined it was rain and wished that Liara was with her.
Probably better she isn't right now, I'd want to collapse into her...disappear into those eyes, into the wonder of her mind. Time to put on your big girl pants, Commander. Find your strength...if for nothing or no one else, for her.
Throwing her filthy compression suit into the hamper, the Commander hastily grabbed her BDUs and dressed. The hour was almost up and she needed to get with her crew. She had managed to dim her rage into a simmering boil, a vast improvement from her mindset on the shuttle ride back. And, she felt her old confidence lurking in the shadows of grief. It's not over...not yet.
She braced herself, beginning to organize a plan. By the time she dressed, she had come up with a long "to do" list. First, she had to deliver the devastating news to Councilor Tevos. Then, she needed to debrief the crew and try to get some leads to recover the data. Last, though she really wished it could be first, she had to get with Liara. Every time she looked at her lover, the anguish and distress she saw gripped her heart.
It worried her that Liara felt a million miles away. On the shuttle, Jane's anger had nearly burned away her other emotions. It had been a struggle to just keep it together. But remembering the look of utter despair on the maiden's beautiful face, the bruising under those remarkable blue eyes and the way Liara had huddled into her seat, made Shepard cringe with shame that she hadn't been able to keep her own emotions in check long enough to act. If Liara had been one of her baby quail, from so long ago – she would have slipped right through Jane's fingers. She resolved to make it right as she left their quarters.
xxx
Normandy SR-2/Comm Station
Absently noting that the crew was beginning to gather in the War Room, the Commander was occupied with thoughts of exactly what she was going to say to the Asari Councilor as she entered the privacy of the Comm Station. She was saved from the angst of initiating the call by the insistent droning of the incoming message console. Tevos was contacting her. Leaning into the console rail, she tensed and released her shoulders, then took a deep breath to clear her mind and dampen her residual anger, before pushing the accept button.
The transmission was fuzzy, full of static and buzz, as Tevos' image was displayed, her voice filled with anxiety. "Commander Shepard, is that you?"
"Councilor, the mission...", the Spectre started to explain, but was cut off by more interference.
Trying again, the worried Councilor spoke as the image finally began to clear. "We've lost all contact with Thessia. The planet has gone dark. The last transmission we got through was to the Destiny Ascension and the allied fleets ordering a full retreat."
Sounding desperate, she then asked the question Shepard was loathe to answer. "How soon will the Crucible be ready to deploy?"
"Councilor, I wish the news was better. We didn't get the information." Shepard rubbed her neck and peered gently at the asari leader, trying to balance her anger at Cerberus with her own uncertainties about the future.
Tevos wrapped her arms around herself as if she felt ill, her rich voice filled with shock. "What happened?"
"Cerberus was there. We were...we were defeated. We don't know how to finish the Crucible." Shepard's voice lowered in an effort to keep it from wavering.
The Councilor's regal face was crestfallen as she covered her eyes with her hands and bowed her head. "I don't know what to say. I wish I 'd known about the temple sooner. I would've told you."
The Spectre felt for the refined asari. Tevos' sorrow was contagious. "I know, Councilor. I'm..I'm terribly sorry. I had no idea Cerberus knew about it."
Shepard embraced the responsibility with a deep breath, causing her ripened anger to congeal in her guts, providing fuel for the heart of the warrior. Determined to give the councilor some hope she made a vow. "I will not give up. If I have to tear this galaxy apart myself, I'm going to find them and take it back!"
"If anyone can do it...it would be you, Commander." Tevos took a deep breath and smiled weakly, her eyes strained with despair.
The Spectre thought of all the buildings they'd seen on the mission and fervently hoped some of the asari and their families had managed to escape the wretched planet. She knew it was a matter close to the councilor as well. "Have you talked with Captain Lidanya? Did the fleets get there in time to evacuate any of your people?"
Gaze cast down, the grief stricken Councilor softly answered her. "Fewer than we hoped, more than we feared...but in the final analysis...only a precious few."
Shepard remembered the tragic last transmission she heard from the asari soldiers planetside. "What about the commando teams, Councilor? We couldn't have made it to the temple at all without them. They fought with honor and courage. I'd hoped at least some of them made it out alive."
"Sadly, only a small number, Commander. A turian vessel picked up Matriarch Aethyta and her team of saboteurs, and a few were reportedly aboard the Destiny Ascension. But, I don't have an accurate count or any more names." The loss of so many of her people clearly affected Tevos. As she bowed her head, the Spectre saw the beginning of tears. "What was the situation on Thessia when you left?"
Shepard wanted to soften the blow, but knew it was too late. The Councilor knew the score. What she was asking for was confirmation. The Commander hung her head and used the rail to support the nearly unbearable weight on her shoulders. "Deteriorating fast. The Reapers are there...in strength."
Tevos was clearly fighting to keep her dignity. "Then you'll excuse me. There are preparations to make...continuity of civilization to consider." Her voice trailed off, she was beginning to choke up. She struggled to continue, "We should have listened to you...acted sooner. I never thought ...this day would come."
"None of us did," Shepard looked directly into Tevos' sad and weary eyes as the asari ended the transmission. "I'm...sorry."
Jane wasn't sure if the anguished Councilor heard her last words. She knew Tevos felt the hopelessness of the situation and she had tried to give her something to cling to. But, she also knew the deep grief of knowing your homeworld had fallen.
Shepard thought of Liara. So much death, so many wasted lives. Councilor, I hope you have someone.
Fortunately for Tevos – she did.
