Chapter 4
Chapter 4
I really wonder what Danny would think of me now; he might think it was just like me to kill someone. Oh, lord, maybe I was meant to kill all along and I never realized.
But usually I wouldn't hurt a fly…but now…oh. I have his blood on my hands and it is splattered all over the bathroom wall, making images I have not yet known until now. I have tasted the blood and it tastes exactly how you might think it tastes;
Bitter and thick, just like death; exactly like death.
Anyway, the day after the dance I completely ignored Danny. Instead, I met a girl I have never noticed before.
Her name was Sheena. She had a neck brace and stringy brown hair, but she was oh so nice.
I met her in the lunch room. She was sitting down and not eating anything, but adjusting the neck brace. I went over there and stood over her. She didn't seem to notice until I said, "Hello".
When she turned to face me I noticed that she did have an attractive face, only hidden by the hilarity of a neck brace.
"Hi." She said loudly. She gave me a very friendly smile and I thought to myself, 'maybe making friends is easier than I thought'. But, of course, I was only a freshman, so who was I to say that?
Sheena would probably be more disappointed than my parents that I killed someone. And I hardly knew her. She would probably scream and yell 'Why, why?' and thrash me. I wish my parents did that. I wish they cared enough to get angry with me.
All my childhood and teenage years I lived with such lack of rules. I got horrible grades, except in English, and my parents always chose to overlook the bad. It was always 'Good job, Sarah. Got an A in English again.'
I wanted to scream and yell and throw a tantrum right on the floor. Scream 'Look at me! I need discipline! I need to be punished! Why won't you? Why don't you care?'
But I never said that. I never said anything. It was always 'Yes, I did. I always get an A in English."
They always congratulated Jenna on everything. Jenna was pretty much perfect. She got great grades; Perfect teeth. She was never in trouble, but she did so many bad things, I really don't understand how she didn't get caught.
I remember the day that she was my best friend. The one day that I loved her, and she me. It was a very cold morning, I remember because when I got out of bed I had to put my slippers on.
Mother and Father were on a business trip again, so Jenna and I were alone in the house. As I turned on the pot of coffee, Jenna walked up with her glossy hair mussed and fuzzed like mine, and her beautiful eyes red and puffy.
I daren't say anything because I was afraid of her reaction. Who knew what mean things she would spit back? Instead it was her who came up to me and said very softly "Sarah I think I'm in big trouble."
"What do you mean?" Asked I, for she was never in trouble.
"I think I'm pregnant." She said. She looked down and I saw tears roll down her soft, plump cheeks.
As I said, that day we became best friends. I took her to a clinic. One of those women help things where they take out the baby, and I held her hand as they did those awful intrusions of her body.
But the next day, when it was all over, it never happened and we never spoke of it again.
Oh, where was I about Sheena, again? Oh yes.
Sheena was awfully nice to me and I sat down next to her at the lunch table. She was very loud and talked much, sort of like me.
"So, where is Donny?" She asked me.
"You mean Danny?" I replied. "Oh, he's…somewhere." Said I, with the wave of my hand, which I HOPED looked dismissive.
"We don't really hang out much" I continued, though it was a lie. This was the first day we stopped hanging out, and as I looked over at the lunch table across the room, I saw Danny sitting there by his lonesome eating his tuna fish.
I felt a strike of guilt.
"Um, it was really nice talking to you but I think I should go." And with that I left and ran over to where Danny was sitting. I plopped down beside him and gave him a nice view of my braces.
"Hey Dan" He just nods to show he acknowledged me. I suppose he was in sort of a sore mood. But I was hoping to get rid of it.
"Whats that bruise from?" I asked, finally noticing the bluish, purple ring around his eye. He seemed reluctant to answer.
"Dad." Was all he said. At that I felt anger surge through me like lightening. How dare he hurt my angel? How DARE he? Especially his own father. Why, if that soul was conceived by me I would be dancing for joy and thanking the lord for such a blessing.
But, I being I, didn't say anything except for "Sucks for you."
"Not really", says he, "I have a roof over my head; I have clothes; a lunch everyday. People don't realize how lucky they are. I realize I am very lucky. Do you?"
I sat in awe as I heard all of this. I had never really thought of Danny as an actual boy, but when I heard this I realized how much he had grown since the eighth grade, even if we were only freshman. And he was absolutely perfect. I was so in love with this man. Or so I thought at the time…
"I…don't know." I replied, very dumbly. I had never thought of my family circumstances as GOOD, but then again…they were never really bad. There was always extra money, always food, my parents never got angry with me, told me to do chores, what to do. It should have been a child's dream. I wondered, then, why it was my nightmare.
"You are probably more lucky than you dare to think." With that he went back to eating tuna. While he ate, I actually didn't talk, wallowing in my thoughts of my home life.
That day, I recall, after school was out, I ran home as fast as I could. When I finally got through the door, panting, I saw both my parents were home. Dad, smoking his pipe and mom knitting next to the television.
"mom, dad." I said still breathing hard. I smiled a toothy grin then went on.
"I.Love.YOU." said I. I remember thinking I put too much emphasis on each word.
"Splendid, darling." My mother said, not listening to me. "You always do."
"NO, ma, mother, father. I LOVE you." I repeated it and made hand gestures as if that would help her understand what saying this means to me.
"Of course." My dad said. "You know we care for you, too." He went back to smoking his pipe and face fell with despair. He couldn't say he loved me? Why not?
I know it was a preposterous way to think, that they really did love me, of course they did, but sometimes I wanted so much for them to voice it or show it.
"I was voted most popular in school today. Everyone voted me because I'm everyone's friend." I lied and batted my lashes.
I was lucky Jenna was out somewhere with Jeffrey STILL, even after the pregnancy and (I shudder at the word) abortion. And I still have yet to kiss Danny, though I wanted to so very much and dreamed of it in my sleep and in my wake…
The next day at school Danny was back to his normal self and didn't rant about family life and beating dads. We hung out at the lunxh table while he ate his tuna, the tether ball while he played tether ball, the swings while he swung.
Today, I was the quite one and I hung around, like a moth to a light. When our lunch break would be over in twenty minutes I said "Hey Danny why don't we sit under that cool, secluded tree?" trying not to sound too obvious.
"Ok." He said and we walked under it.
We sat there for a while. And then I made my move. I really quickly moved toward him and kissed him.
And it was THE most awful feeling. Wet, and squishy and tuna tasting and it was just awful. His lips were not only wet, but slimy and I could not figure out why.
But before I could pull away he pushed me away, so hard as I fell on the ground and was amazed a boy that tiny could push me.
"GET OFF ME!" He screamed when he pushed me. Then he said "Never, ever do that again!" and he ran away from me.
Now, I was so very confused as to why he did that because HE was the bad one, not me.
"You're a horrible kisser anyway, Danny!" I yelled after him. I wasn't sure if he heard me but I think he did because he gave me the finger and that just appalled and delighted me at the same time.
When I think about the kiss, the fact that it was bad just made me like it more and I really wondered why it was so. Oh, well, you can't choose what you attracted to, I guess.
Anyways, when I got home that night I started to cry, like really cry for the first time. I thought about what a freak I was. How nobody liked me. How I lied all the time. A also cried for Danny, my only friend, it wasn't his fault he was a boy.
I cried for my sister, because even though she is perfect, I know in my heart I am better than her. I don't sleep around with guys all the time. But maybe I would if they liked me.
I just cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. And finally, I cried so much that I fell asleep.
