"This is boring."
Valeriya raises her eyebrows at the man sitting across from her; frost is starting to form on his pinched eyebrows. He looks irritated as he stares back at her, disregarding the fishing pole he is holding in his right hand.
She nearly laughs at his disgruntled attitude.
"Then it should be right up your alley," She smirks, noticing the way his stormy blue eyes narrow even more.
After spending a little over a week with Bucky, she had learned that she could get away with pushing his buttons and annoying him. It was entertaining and maybe a little messed up, but she hated seeing the sadness in his eyes some days and she noticed a change in him every time she said something stupid. She never pushed him that much, just enough to get an eye roll or a quiet groan from him, much to Valeriya's amusement.
She had also learned that some days were better than others for him, and she knew on those good days it was alright to tease him and joke around a little more than usual. He never smiled at anything she said though, and even on his good days he would still sometimes refuse to say a single word to her. It's not like she really cared, Valeriya knew she couldn't force him to talk or remember his memories, so she usually just left him to his own thoughts.
"Have you ever caught any fish doing this?"
"You've never heard of ice fishing?" She asks, knowing it's a stupid question, "People do it all of the time."
"You did not answer my question."
Valeriya scowls at the large man, "No, I have never caught any fish, but maybe today will be my lucky day. Don't rain on my parade, Bucky."
"I am only being logical."
"Well, I've had enough of your logic, Mr. Spock."
She was almost positive he rolled his eyes, but she wasn't quite sure and resumed the task at hand. The two of them grew silent, not really knowing what to say to one another. Things had been slightly awkward between them ever since Bucky had confessed his story about the baby he had encountered on one of his missions and he hadn't told her any of his other memories since then. It had taken a toll on him, Valeriya knew that much, and she could see how he was starting to have trouble sleeping or how he would daze off more often than ever. She knew better than to push him, knowing that it could possibly trigger something within his mind and cause a violent outburst. All of her self-defense classes she had taken before becoming an agent most likely wouldn't have been able to save her if Bucky decided to unexpectedly attack her; she'd certainly be able to hold him off for a while, but that bionic arm could easily overpower her at any given moment.
Valeriya tried not to think of that scenario even though she knew fully well that it could always happen.
"I remember when Clint taught me how to fish," She breaks the tense silence, easily catching his attention, "We were hiking through this mountain to find an item that had been stolen from a government base and I wouldn't stop complaining about how hungry I was; I'm pretty sure he was about to murder me and make it look like an accident. He made this makeshift fishing rod, told me how to use it, and then just left for an hour to set up camp and map out our exact coordinates. When he came back, I hadn't caught anything and I had eaten all of the granola bars we packed; I don't think I had ever seen him so pissed off before."
She laughs and the noise takes Bucky by surprise, "He put in a request to Fury asking for a new partner to go on missions with him after that. Then Natasha got stuck with me and there were so many times where I really did think she was going to murder me in my sleep. Then there was this one incident with Maria Hill where I accidentally tazered her, but she kind of deserved that one– and Agent Coulson and I never really got anything finished when we worked together because we were always talking instead. Director Fury stopped trying to pair me up with other agents after that and I started doing missions all alone, something he wasn't really too keen on. It was nice though, being alone on some of those really gory missions and not having to worry if one of my comrades was going to die right in front of my eyes. I don't really even know why SHIELD didn't fire me sooner; I was always so bad when it came to working with other people."
"You were one of their best agents," He states, "I read your file, you've killed over four dictators in the last six years, captured three of the highest ranking members of the Mexican drug cartel, and helped overthrow the Libyan regime, killing Muammar Gadaffi in the process. You've done hundreds of interrogations and never failed a single one and the names I saw on your list of assassinations were quite impressive. I was surprised that Hydra had never given me the orders to find you and kill you; next to Romanoff and Rogers, you're one of the most well-known agents of SHIELD."
"Wow," She cocks her head to the side, "You must have been in for a bigger surprise when you finally tracked me down and found someone like me instead of Natasha's little protégé or whatever. Were you expecting someone entirely different? Someone who wasn't so weak and emotional?"
Bucky detected a hint of bitterness in her voice as she mentioned her old comrade.
"No, I remembered you from the helicarrier, I was already aware of your appearance and personality."
"I thought you would have gone back to the Hydra base," She admitted timidly, though he couldn't quite blame her, "Have them wipe your mind or something."
Bucky knew that she was constantly walking on eggshells every time she was around him, wary that she would say something stupid and he would snap and attack her. To be honest, even he was afraid that he might unintentionally hurt her. There were days where he would lock himself in her bedroom, forcing her to sleep on the couch instead. Those were the days where his head felt like it would explode at any given moment and anything she said would just make something inside of him break and he would kill her. It didn't really cross his mind all that often, but he just knew he'd be able to end her life before she knew what was even happening. Much to his despair, he had even dreamed about it one night– he had snapped her neck and the lifeless look in her dark eyes had been enough to make him avoid her for the entire day.
It had felt so real.
The sensors in his bionic arm started to whir as he gripped her slender throat tightly, his eardrums twitched as he heard the gruesome noise of bones crushing beneath his hand, he had felt the warm blood trickle from the corner of her mouth and right onto his metal appendage, and he had certainly witnessed the complete and utter fear in her eyes right before he ended her life.
It had only been a nightmare though, and he promised himself it would not become a reality.
"I did not return to Hydra after that day."
"I don't blame you."
He doesn't respond, not really wanting to talk about what happened in D.C. anymore.
"I told you about my comrades, what about you though? Did you ever work with anyone on your missions?"
"No, I worked alone," He answers shortly, "I was given a... comrade on one mission a long time ago, but he was compromised by one of our targets and I was given the orders to kill him as well as the girl."
"Oh," Valeriya states lamely, "I'm sorry."
He lifts his shoulder up into a shrug, "Don't be, I did what I had to do. I regret it, but I have learned to live with it. Clearly you have not learned to live with your regrets."
She feels her mouth drop open a little before she can even stop it, "Excuse me?"
"I think you heard me."
Then her shock gradually fades into something else– anger.
"Why does it even matter to you?"
"It eats away at you... I know it is all you ever think about. You need to learn to forget about it, move on with life."
"Maybe I don't want to learn to live with all of the mistakes I've made!" She sneers, standing up from her spot on the ice, "Maybe I don't care about learning to accept myself for who I am because I know I deserve all of the pain I feel!"
"You think that is the best way to live your life?" He asks apathetically, "Torturing yourself every day because of what happened in the past? That's stupid."
She lets out an incredulous laugh, "Live my life? You call this a life? Look around, James. Did you ever stop to think for one second that I didn't choose to live here? Do you think I just woke up one day and decided to move to the middle of nowhere? I was sent here as punishment for what I had done!"
He merely blinks, surprised by her outburst.
He didn't even think it was possible for Valeriya to be so... infuriated.
"I did something horrible, okay? SHIELD... they found out about something I had done in the past and they found it to be so unforgivable that they decided it was only best to punish me by isolating me from the rest of the world. So I'm sorry that I can't learn to live with the things I've done, I'm sorry that I'm not like you and I just can't forget those things. Do you even know how hard it is not to think about all of the mistakes I've made when I live in the loneliest place on Earth? You have no idea what I go through and why I feel the way I do!"
Valeriya was crying and Bucky almost felt bad.
Almost.
She scoffs when he doesn't answer and merely turns away from him, ready to walk back to the house. Before she can get very far, Bucky easily reaches her in a few strides and catches her wrist in his hand. The scarf she wore was pulled over her mouth and nose, but he could tell she was frowning just by the look in her eyes.
He glares at her, not really caring if he frightens her anymore.
"Yes," He answers quietly, "I do know what it's like."
Bucky feels her tense up at his words; clearly she was surprised by his answer.
"You might think I do not feel certain things, and maybe you are right, but I know what it is like to feel lonely and what it is like to feel suffocated by your own thoughts. You think I do not understand the concept of loneliness and what it does to you? How it can turn someone into something they are not? I have spent the majority of my life in a holding cell or the cryo, I was bred to be nothing more than a weapon and Hydra made sure that I was aware of that. If they were to know I was feeling any emotion at all, except anger, they would beat me until I did not have the strength to feel anything; maybe if they were feeling considerate they would put me through electroshock treatments instead."
"James, I—"
"I do not have all of my memories," He interrupts her without a second thought, "but the ones I do have I make sure to cling on to– no matter how painful they might be. I know they helped shaped me into the person I am today and while that might not be a good thing, it reassures me that I am still alive just like you. I have more blood on my hands than you could ever imagine and I have done things that I probably won't ever be able to talk about, so yes, I do know what it is like. I might not know the exact thoughts that go through your mind, but do not make the assumption that I have never felt the same emotions that you constantly feel because sometimes loneliness and sadness and pain are the only things I feel and I do not know why it hurts me more than anything Hydra ever could have done to me."
It was probably the most he had spoken to her besides his story he told her a week ago about the baby, and it makes her feel awful.
She notices the way his eyes seemed to gloss over, but he also seems to be so irritated at the same time.
Valeriya drops her head in shame, not having the slightest clue of what to say to him.
"I am envious of you right now."
"Why?" She frowns.
His fingers tightened around her wrist, "You have spent all this time wishing you could forget your memories, while I wish I could remember all of mine... if anything, you should feel grateful. You should be grateful that you still have your own mind and it was not pulled apart and tinkered around with like a toy. Do you know what it is like to have everything that makes you who you are just ripped away from you?"
Tears start to obstruct her vision, making his harsh face blurry as she shakes her head.
"No, I do not."
Suddenly, she feels like an idiot and wishes she could take back all of her words she had spoken to Bucky out of anger. Why did she have to be foolish and make such stupid assumptions? Of course he had experienced the same type of pain she had felt, if not amplified tenfold. Working for Hydra... it was all he had ever really known; he didn't even have a choice.
Before she can apologize, Bucky turns his back to her and starts back to her house.
She falls to her knees in the snow and tries her hardest to stop her tears.
Valeriya had been staring at Bucky's unclothed back for about ten minutes now, trying to think of something to say.
She stood a few feet behind him as he sat hunched over on the floor in front of the fireplace, attempting to warm himself up after their little adventure in ice fishing. Every now and then, his human hand would reach out towards the flames and he would relax as the heat spread throughout his entire body. He had shed most of his clothes, trading them for the old sweatpants she had let him borrow, not seeming to have any problem with walking around the house half naked. It's not like Valeriya minded or anything, but men in Oymyakon definitely didn't look anything like Bucky– what with his powerful build and prominent facial features.
"I know you have been standing there for approximately ten minutes now," His voice, as quiet as always, startles her, "You can sit with me, I do not have any intentions of hurting you or getting angry with you again."
As if to prove his point, he scoots over and places his metal hand on the floor next to him, gesturing for her to sit with him.
Valeriya obeys and hesitantly shuffles closer to him, crossing her legs as she settles down next to him. They don't say anything to one another and as the silence continues, Valeriya starts to become increasingly aware of the tension that fills the room. Neither one of them had even spared each other a glance since they had gotten home and Bucky wondered if he had maybe crossed some sort of line with her. Some of the things he had said were harsh, he knew this, but he didn't even know where the words had come from. He couldn't even remember a time where he had spoken to someone about the emotions he wasn't allowed to feel when he worked for Hydra and how he couldn't help it sometimes.
A part of him had just become so accustomed to keeping it all to himself.
It felt... nice to talk about it for once.
Valeriya shifts around nervously and Bucky notices this from his peripheral vision.
"You have something you want to talk about."
It's not a question, Bucky just knows.
"I'm sorry," She glances at him anxiously, "– for everything I said earlier and making those stupid assumptions. I don't know why I said it... I don't know why I say half the things I do, to be honest."
"You do not have a filter on your mouth?" He guesses, growing confused when he hears Valeriya laugh softly.
"I'll work on that," She visibly relaxes, "Really though... I'm sorry Bucky. What I said– it was careless and ignorant of me."
He shrugs, "I do not want you to think of me as something I am not; that I am still the same man who almost killed you on the helicarrier."
"I know you're not that same man Bucky, I promise," She gives him a reassuring smile, "If you wanted to kill me, you would have done it by now."
"That day in D.C. – I did not want to kill you. I was given the orders to kill Steve Rogers and anyone else who got in my way. You got in my way and I knew I had to kill you but I didn't want to, I didn't mean to choke you the way I did."
"You were listening to orders and I didn't fight back, you can't blame yourself for that."
"I'll never forgive myself for hurting you, Valeriya."
Her mouth drops open at this confession; she didn't think Bucky felt so strongly about what had happened that day. After a moment of silence, she gazes up at his face and notices the sincere expression upon his features. He looks like he's genuinely sorry for strangling Valeriya and almost killing her with his bionic hand. Then his eyes grow wide and frantic for a moment and Valeriya knows that he's thinking hard about something.
"I tried to find you," Bucky admits, clearly panicked, "You fell from the helicarrier and I couldn't find you in the water—I found Steve but I couldn't find—"
"Hey," Valeriya gently shushes him, "Don't think too hard about it, okay? Sam found me underneath all of the rubble; I'm fine, okay?"
"I tried to kill you, it's not okay."
"You might have wanted to kill me, but you didn't and I'm still here. It's actually kind of bad news for you because now you're here and you're stuck with me and I'd give it a couple more weeks before you start to regret not killing me earlier."
"I doubt it, I do not know what I would do if you died."
"Aw!" She grins, "That was so sweet."
"No," He nearly rolls his eyes, "I do not know how to hunt and would most likely die of starvation if you were to die."
Her mouth drops open and she glares at him, "Was that a joke?"
"No, it was the truth."
Bucky turns his head to face her, watching as her dark eyes narrow at him and she presses her lips together. Upon further inspection, he noticed how she is suppressing a smile and that she isn't genuinely mad at his statement, she is merely pretending. He feels his own lips twitch as hers finally turn upwards into a grin, causing the corners of her eyes to crease with happiness. A soft, breathy laugh pushes its way past her lips and she shakes her head slightly, turning her attention back to the fire in front of her.
"What you said... about clinging onto memories no matter how painful they might be," She suddenly speaks, "How do you do it without letting the pain consume you?"
"I do not know how to explain without confusing you. I guess I just remind myself occasionally that those memories exist, that I did some horrible things to innocent people who did not deserve what they got. I let myself feel the pain of my mistakes, but I do not let it cripple me. It was in the past and there is nothing I can do to change it, I have to move on and focus on regaining the good memories. I am still hopeful that I will regain memories of my family and my friends which is why I do not let the pain consume me."
Valeriya stares up at him, "You are so strong and brave."
"So are you."
"Not like you," She whispers with a small shrug, "I'm not really that strong at all; I just… pretend that I am."
"I don't think that's true at all."
"Why do you think that?" She asks, genuinely curious as to what he's going to say.
"Because you wouldn't be alive right now if you weren't strong," He answers, glancing down at her for a quick second, "You're a survivor… you always have been and it takes strength to survive in a world this dark and cruel."
