A/N: I'm baaaaack…
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.
WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!
by GetJiggyWithIt
Chapter 4 – Grease (yea, I'm talkin' 'bout you Snape)
Harry awoke to the smell of…fart? He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw someone's butt in his face!
"What in the bloody…!" Harry swatted at the air to make the butt move.
"I told you it would work." Said an unfamiliar voice to Ron.
"Wow…" was all Hermione could manage.
"Who are you?!" Harry demanded to the gray-haired shabbily dressed man with the well-toned behind ("Thanks Jane Fonda!").
"Oh, pardon my rudeness. I'm R.J. Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts." Prof. Lupin helped Harry up, and Hermione led him to his seat. "I presume you're Harry Potter."
"Don't scare me like that…geez." Harry then commenced staring at the open doorway of the compartment.
"Get out of here." He said out of nowhere as he continued to stare. Prof. Lupin, Ron, and Hermione turned around to look at what Harry was staring at.
"Harry…there's no one there." Hermione said as she turned back in the direction of Harry.
"That doesn't mean I didn't see anybody." Harry said as his eyes glazed over and grew larger. An awkward silence filled the air.
Suddenly, a chill filled the room. Harry heard a woman screaming inside his head. He felt someone slapping his cheeks. The cold left as quickly as it had come. He started to regain consciousness and heard footsteps around him. Neville shouted in Harry's ear to wake him up.
"AHHHH! ALL RIGHT! I'm AWAKE!" Harry said as he lay on the floor. "You people drive me crazy sometimes…" He slowly got up and looked around. "Where's Lu-"
"Right here stupid." Lupin entered the room with a huge piece of chocolate. "I stole this from the cart, but you can have it." Lupin tossed the chocolate to Harry. It hit Harry in the head and knocked him out. When Harry awoke, he was lying on his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory. He heard some rustling above him.
"Ron?"
"…Yeah?" Ron said somewhat groggily.
"What time is it?" asked Harry as he rubbed his eyes.
"7:52 A.M."
"How long have I been unconscious?"
"…I think…2 weeks? We couldn't wake you. You missed a lot. Like the new Divination professor. She's kooky! She made us read tea leaves, and I found out that…oh wait! Did I tell you about the Boggart with Prof. Lupin? Okay so there was this Boggart in the closet that could turn into your worst nightmare and Prof. Lupin taught us how to turn it into something funny. After that, I went to Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid. Oh yeah, Hagrid teaches now. Malfoy got hurt by a hippogriff because, well, you see ther-"
"Okay Ron. I get it. Tell me later. Right now, we'd better get to class."
Their first class was Potions with Snape. The two of them go there on time…or at least they would've if Snape hadn't turned around just as they were running in.
"Tut tut…now what do we have here? Harry Potter and Ron Weasley…you two are late for my class! As punishment, you must stand in front of the class holding hands."
Harry and Ron looked at each other with sleepy eyes and sighed. They slowly started walking to the front of the class when SUDDENLY!
DIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNG!
"OOOoOOHhh! My cookies are done!" Snape rushed to his easy bake oven in the back of the room. Harry and Ron looked at each other and ran for it.
"So Harry are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend? Please tell me your aunt and uncle signed your permission form." Ron looked at Harry's sad face. "Well it's all right. We'll try to bring back loads of sweets. Me with my girlish figure and Hermione with her huge biceps. It'll be like you didn't miss out on anything!"
They walked on to the Gryffindor dormitories and saw a very large crowd surrounding the Fat Lady portrait. The girls were jumping up and down to get a better look, and some were screaming.
"Looks like a Jonas Brothers concert." Ron whispered to Harry. Sure enough…
The Jonas Brothers appeared out of nowhere and started singing "When You Look Me in the Eyes" with really tight pants on. Nick Jonas started doing a flip when he took a misstep and died.
"Uh…he's bleeding…like…a lot." Somebody said. Everybody went quiet.
When Dumbledore arrived, Harry and Ron got a good look at the slashed painting, which was what everybody was really screaming about.
"If only she'd let him in…He's quite the feisty lad, that Sirius Black!" Peeves the Poltergeist said quite happily.
The next day, the disappearance of the Fat Lady was all anybody could talk about.
"Harry, try not to think about it too much. Just concentrate on winning the Quidditch match today against Hufflepuff okay?" Hermione said soothingly to Harry in the hospital wing.
"Hermione, the match was this morning in the rain. We lost remember? You brought my smashed-up broomstick while I was in here. Poor thing." Harry pulled out the remaining shards of his Nimbus broomstick from his back pocket. They had been sealed in an airtight plastic bag and sterilized. "It's okay baby. I got you." Harry said as he stroked the plastic bag lovingly.
"Uh, Harry I think you're too…umm, attached to that thing. Lemme just…uh, take that…from…you." Hermione said as she reached out for the broom shards.
Just then Professor Lupin walked in.
"Hey there Prof-" Hermione started to say when Lupin cut her off. "Don't you have someone to annoy?" Hermione ran out crying. "Who was that guy?"
"What did you want to talk about Professor?" Harry asked.
"Ah yes! I heard about what happened this morning at the Quidditch match. Y'know, the dementors. I've never seen Dumbledore so angry." Lupin said gravely.
"Why were they there? Why was I the only one who fainted? What if they're at the next match? How would I defend myself then? I don't want Gryffindor to lose again because of me! And what if th-"
"There are certain things you can do to defend yourself from them…which I could teach you if you'd like." Lupin said quietly.
"Good 'cause I need to be prepared." Harry said, determined to beat the dementors.
"You just have to pretend like you're not scared. Then Peeves won't give you a wedgie." Lupin said casually. Harry looked confused. "Oh you meant the dementors! Oh yes. The lessons will have to wait until after the holidays though. I've fallen ill…"
The next day, when Harry and Ron walked into their Defense Against the Dark Arts class, they found Snape standing at the front of the class.
"Because Lupin is sick, I'll be taking over during his absence." Snape snarled. "Open your books to page 5555555. Haha just kidding that was my feletone number. Write me a 300-page paper on werewolves and turn it in tomorrow. Now leave me alone, so I can get ready for my hot date tonight."
Snape turned around and plunged his entire head into a barrel of grease. Just then, Professor Sprout walked in.
"Oh hey there baby. Ready to go sweet thang?" Snape said oily.
After the greaseball and the tree trunk left, everybody started goofing off.
Later that day, Harry caught up with Ron and Hermione on their Hogsmeade trip.
"HARRY! How did you get here?" Hermione cried incredulously.
"Fred and George gave me this." Harry held up a square piece of parchment. "It's called a Maurader's Map. All you hav…HIDE!"
Some professors from Hogwarts were having drinks nearby at the Three Broomsticks. They started talking about Harry Potter and how Sirius Black betrayed his parents. Harry listened intently.
"MY LIFE IS SO COOL!" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs. The professors stopped talking and looked around. They then returned to their conversation and left after a few minutes. They'd left tons of tips for Madame Rosmerta, their waitress.
"Lose some weight. McGonagall."
"Walk faster! Cornelius Fudge."
"Your shoes are really dirty. Flitwick."
"U r hott. Txt me bak soon! Rubius (Mr. Right) Hagrid"
That conversation about Siruis Black at the Three Broomsticks was all Harry could think about. He hadn't even realized when Hermione and Ron dragged him to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was sobbing uncontrollably.
"T-they're going to-to-to-to-to…intake of air take awaaayyyy…BUCKBEAK!" cried Hagrid through his tears.
"Hagrid! Pull yourself together!!" Hermione said as she shook him.
"Hey…uh y'know I'd hate to be rude, but…oh gosh, how do I say this? Um…how long is this gonna take because we have presents to open, and you don't." Ron said trying to be sincere but failing.
"Go on, it's o-o-okkkkayy…" said Hagrid wiping his tears. "I'll just-"
"OKAY, great! Let's go guys." Ron said shoving everybody out the door.
The next morning, when Ron and Harry were in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, they angrily discussed how Hermione had McGonagall confiscate Harry's new Firebolt. Harry talked to Lupin about his anti-dementor lessons, and they met the following Thursday to practice. He had failed to produce a strong patronus. He needed more practice but between Quidditch and homework, that was nearly impossible.
What if dementors showed up at his next quidditch match against Ravenclaw? What would he do then?
