^.^ Thankyou soooooooooo much to those who reviewed!!! It made me insanely happy ^.^ and as promised, here is your cookie;

*gives you cookie*

Disclaimer: if I owned Death Note, there would have been much more than mere hints at yaoi. ^.^

*WARNINGS*

This chapter contains LOTS of angst.

You have been warned....


Vain Perfection

Light's terrified eyes stared at the face of the sleeping detective beside him. A shutter ripped through the younger man's body, his arms clenched tight around his naked form as if he was cold. The truth was, his skin felt on fire, scorching the hands that were clamped painfully on his arms. He could still feel the painful throb in his lip where L had bitten him. He could feel the unnatural heat in the room, and the smell of sweat and blood and...

Dread shot down his spine and another shutter ripped through him. His mind was still clouded over, he felt permanently brain damaged, crazy, insane, mental, insecure...

Terrified

Scared

Frightened

His eyes were impossibly wide, and soft moans of horror slipped through his lips every now and then.

He had collapsed in bliss with L, had fallen practically unconscious, the detective drifting to sleep beside him. And it had been bliss, it had been the best sleep he'd ever had. Which was why he felt so insecure, and why he still stared in horror at the only witness to the mistake that should never have happened.

He wanted to blame L, yell, scream, kill him! But he couldn't, because a part of his mind –that he certainly wasn't acknowledging at the moment- said this was his fault.

"Ryuuzaki! Light!" A voice made itself heard on the other side of the door, followed by a steady set of knocking.

Light had half a mind to ignore the voice. On second thought, if he did, whoever that was, was going to come into the room and see them sleeping at the end of the bed, see the mess the blankets had become, and see their clothes haphazardly flung all over the room. Then of course, L was so close to Light, he could feel the warmth of the detective's skin against his own, and to top things off, the heavy scent of sex still clung to the air...

He didn't need another witness.

"What is it?" Light asked, his voice uncharacteristically breaking.

There was a pause.

"It's Matsuda..." Another pause, "...its... eleven... are you two coming to work today?"

Light inwardly groaned, and had to fight back the rising vertigo before answering him, "I... yes, we'll be there."

"Ok... Be quick ok? Everyone's kinda concerned..."

Light didn't reply to that, and upon a few moments of silence assumed the other had left.

Light looked at L, whose eyes were opened slightly, staring at Light with almost human emotion on his pale face. "Who was –"

"Nobody. Just get up." Light cut him off rudely, then turned away to grab his boxers in the mess of their clothes and pull them on under the covers.

He felt L staring at his back when he sat up.

"Light..."

His gaze shot to L, a terrifying emotion swirled in his nearly crimson eyes.

"Don't, just don't."


They arrived at the taskforce in record time for two reasons, one; Light didn't want to spend one more second alone with L, and two; L was freaking out over the time.

They didn't speak, even upon arriving at the HQ room. It made for an incredibly awkward elevator ride, but talking wouldn't have necessarily changed that.

Light sat down at his computer, ignoring everyone in the room as they all had given them concerned glances upon their arrival.

The day was awkward and tension hung in the room between everyone by the end of the day. Which made it odd that it took four hours before someone did something about it.

Soichiro Yagami cleared his throat, getting the attention of the task force.

Light kept his gaze on the screen, even when the heavy steps of his dad approached his desk.

"Light."

Light subconsciously tensed his jaw and hardened his eyes.

"What?" he hated the way his voice sounded so weak.

"Look at me Light." His father commanded.

Light did so, swivelling his chair to face him, question repeated; "What?"

The chief lowered his voice so only Light could hear, "Look, if there's something going on that concerns me, I have a right to know."

"It doesn't concern you." Light answered back automatically, regretting immediately that he didn't just put on a happy smile charade and deny everything. His acting ability had a limit it seemed.

His father regarded him with a serious face, his gaze suddenly moving past him to look at L. Light hadn't looked at him all day, and was reluctant to do so now. But upon seeing his father's lips tighten into a white line, he did let his gaze drift slowly to the man he hated so much.

He was sitting in an unusual position, unusual for him anyway. His feet were on the floor, elbows perched on his legs and head in his hands. Light felt a well of anger and horror stir inside him. How dare he betray Light this way? What the hell was he thinking acting so out of character?!? He might as well have had a sign on him that read, 'WE HAD SEX,' or something to that terrifying degree.

Of course it was unlikely that anyone would immediately resort to that conclusion, Light had to remind himself. However the fact was blindingly obvious to him, and upon seeing his father's face pale as he looked at L then at Light then at L again, it must have seemed blindingly obvious to him too.

At that instant, something inside of Light died. His soul perhaps, maybe his pride, even his respect, but Light felt a sickening realization that it was his reputation he really cared about. The one he had worked so hard on, getting perfect grades, being the best at everything, earning the title of an athlete, heart throb, and of course; genius.

He noticed L had stood and was standing in front of Soichiro, his emotionless mask set in place. "Yagami-san," He said addressing the older man in front of him, "please take the task force and go home early today."

Soichiro opened his mouth and it looked as if he was going to put up a fight. But then he seemed to have second thoughts for he closed it again and nodded, his narrowed, accusing eyes still trained on Light.

L didn't say anything after that, didn't offer an explanation, not even a lie. Even at a time like this it was still beyond the insomniac to explain himself, Light realized in disgust.

The Chief of Police led everyone out without a word or a glance back.

At the sound of the double doors closing, from far below. L and Light were alone again.

"You could have lied." Light hissed venomously, the first thing he had said to L all day.

L shook his head, "No, there would have been no point."

Light looked furious for a moment about to say something until L pointed to his neck, "You have dark bruises on your neck, Light-kun. I apologize for not noticing them this morning."

If Light had needed anything else to destroy him completely, that would have been it, for everyone knew that Light was only ever alone with L.


L led a silent Light up to their shared quarters. He knew better than to say anything, so he didn't, instead pretending to look interested at the carpet design in the elevator. The ride was painfully long and L was angry at himself for making the building so damned high. There were only 3 floors being used at the moment; theirs, the task force HQ, and Watari's. that left 21 floors completely vacant and useless. He blamed Watari for giving him and Light the room on the absolute highest possible floor.

He was thankful when the elevator finally chimed and the doors slid open. Although even the hallway seemed unnecessarily long.

Upon reaching their room, L realized, in their hurry had left the door unlocked and open. Kindly displaying a terrifying mess of bed covers, sheets, and yesterday's clothes.

He walked into the room but stopped on noticing that the chain had pulled taunt between them. Wearily he turned back to look at Light, who had his dead gaze focused on the bed.

L sighed, "Nothing is going to happen." He nearly whispered.

Light didn't look at him as he proceeded cautiously into the room, as if L would jump on him the second he passed through the door.

Light held out his handcuffed wrist to L expectantly.

"What is it Light-kun?" L's voice did come out as a whisper this time.

"I am going to have a shower." His voice dead and monotone, "You are going to unlock us while I do."

It wasn't a request.

L stared wordlessly at him, about to deny his order. Although he knew logically that Light couldn't escape, not in a windowless room hundreds of feet up. Also, L could ask Watari to turn the camera's in their bathroom back on…

He slipped the key out of his back pocket, and held it cautiously between his forefinger and thumb, holding it in front of his eyes. L pushed back the thought his mind threw at him that it was stupid to unlock a suspect at their demand.

But, then...

He wasn't just a suspect anymore...


The insomniac wordlessly grasped Light's wrist, he tensed at his alien familiar touch, but didn't pull away. Half of him was shocked that L was actually doing this, the other half however knew he would've torn L apart if he hadn't.

Alone finally and locked in the bathroom, Light shed his clothes. Turning the shower on, he didn't even wait for the water to heat up before stepping into it.

He hissed in discomfort as freezing water hit his warm skin, causing a painful uncomfortable ache. Sadistic as it might have been, he let it, enjoying the numbness it caused every cell in his body. It hurt, but he endured it, because as his muscles tensed in agony, his mind was entirely focused on his discomfort and not at all focused on L.

However it didn't last long, and the aching rapidly went away, replaced with a warmth that was ecstatic, almost like when L had…

His brain froze in its tracks and he felt the desolation well up in him again. Not only at the remembrance of the memory, but at how he related it to ecstasy.

He shut the water off hastily and it was only then he realized chocked sobs were escaping his body, and hot tears were running down his face. His throat felt tight and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel securely around his waist.

He looked up.

His eyes met his mirror image.

Dark bruises left by L's mouth tainted his perfect flesh.

The warm water hadn't been running for more than a few seconds and because of that, the mirror had not yet fogged over. Therefore it showed every detail of the broken boy, showed his broken eyes, broken body, broken reputation.

It showed who he used to be and it showed who he was now:

A suspect who had slept with his detective.

A man who had slept with another man.

Not just any man, L… he had slept with L.

He had, had sex with L.

It hit him then, harder than he imagined anything could. Especially since he thought it already had hit him, but that was just the numb stage, that was the firststage.

His pain turned into rage, unfathomable rage that tore him apart just as the tears tore from his eyes. He couldn't look at himself, couldn't look at the body that had betrayed him, and so easily too.

He snapped and his fist connected with the mirror. It cracked under the pressure, fissures running away in rapid succession from his fist. It split like lightening and for a moment there were thousands of Light, thousands of broken reputation, broken eyes, broken body, broken soul.

But the pressure proved too strong for it, and as such, could only stay encased in its framed prison for a moment. However long that moment seemed to be.

In a blinding burst, it shattered.

Tiny Light's rained down across the sink and counter and floor. Scattering in a thousand soft tings. Each casting a reflection of its own against the opposite wall.

Blood dripped from Light's clenched fist in a slow steady rhythm. He gasped at the pain, at the feeling of glass shards embedded in his hand. He brought it to eye level, tiny sparkles caught his eye.

He looked away, looked to what lay beyond the broken mirror. His unhurt hand grabbed the first bottle of medication he saw, he didn't know what it was, and he didn't care.

He downed it, bitter liquid flowed down his throat, and made him gag reflexively. He dropped the empty bottle from his hand and didn't even hear it hit the floor, his entire attention already focused on something else.

Another tiny image of him lay on the counter, a tiny image of what he had become, a tiny witness.

Light grasped the shard in his bloody hand, ignoring the painful burn, as he ignored the burn in his stomach.

Witness this

It was a quick mindless thing, a means to an end because he had ruined his beginning.

He slit his wrist.


"Light-kun, open the door!" L said for the hundredth time his fist impacting the hard wood again and again.

There was nothing but the faded echoes of chimes.

"Light kun..." he stared at it in frustration, there was a skeleton key but it was with Watari and he wanted in now.

He gave in and grabbed his cell, pressed speed dial, and held it in his particular way to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Watari!" He cried in desperation, switching back to English out of habit.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I... I need the skeleton key!" he gasped, his dark eyes stared in panic at the inconvenient block between him and Light.

"Understood, I will bring it right up."

L snapped his phone shut, and tossed it onto the floor roughly. His attention turned back to the locked door. He rattled the handle anyway, and grit his teeth when it didn't give way under his smouldering gaze. He was frustrated with himself for the fifth time that day; third, for letting Light go in the first place, fourth, for not turning on the camera, and fifth for not putting emergency locks on all the bathroom doors.

He sunk down to the floor, hand still clenched around the door handle, and head resting against the cold wood.

The sound had been horrible, not the sudden crash of a mirror shattering, but what happened before that; Light crying in anguish.

Anguish that he caused.

Sure, his mind felt shattered and numb and confused at the sudden relationship between the two, but there was something else there that he didn't know could exist, basically, well, it had never existed for him.

And then, he was suddenly caught up in two other equally strong emotions; hate, and pain.

Even though there was nothing physical about the pain, he still hurt, the deep loathing the other seemed to have taken to him was incredibly painful when it had no right to be. He was L; The World's Three Greatest Detectives.

But it seemed he had unconsciously taken another title to his name;

L; In love with Kira suspect, Light Yagami.


Watari burst into the room, L just held out his hand, eyes still trained on the door. He felt the heated metal press into his palm, and he hastily unlocked the door.

It swung open.

He couldn't make out the scene he saw before him, he couldn't process the information fast enough... mainly because he didn't want to.

The first thing he saw were the glass shards, sharp and sparkling, scattered everywhere like freshly fallen snow.

The next thing he saw was the crumpled body on the ground, and the dark red coating that covered it.

"Light!!!!" L screamed out his name, "Oh god Light!"

Glass cut his bare feet as he ran to the pale form on the floor, he knelt before the younger boy, his hands trembled as they gently grasped Light's pale ethereal face.

He heard Watari gasp behind him, and the sound of buttons being dialled.

His mind was racing and his body wasn't responding the way he wanted it to, his eyes wide and his lips quivering. He grasped Lights bloodied hand and shards transferred into his own as he wiped away the blood, the cuts weren't that bad, but...

A chocked sob escaped his throat as his eyes fell upon Light's slit wrist.

"Light..." he gasped.

L's eyes teared up without warning, and warm silent tears fell down his cheeks. It felt so alien, he had no recollection of ever crying.

L grasped Light's wrist, and clutched it to his white shirt, the warmth seeping into him barely registered compared to the scent that burned his mind, and taunted his inner psych with so many memories.

Tears dripped onto Light's bleeding hand, the salty liquid cut through creating rivuleting paths of their own. L's heart squeezed painfully in his chest, a vice grip getting tighter and tighter. He trembled uncontrollably, his stomach was in knots and vertigo swarmed before his eyes.

He couldn't breathe, or think, or move.

The only thing that was moving was the blood, metallic crimson flowing in beat with Light's heart.

Heart

L's hand clamped down stifling the flow, then he leaned down to press his ear to Light's chest.

It was quiet, and painfully slow, but it was still there, it was still beating.

Silent tears still traced paths down his cheeks to fall to the boy beneath him, tears that had been held captive behind his emotionless mask for so many years.

He curled in tighter to Light's chest, and closed his eyes. He had to hear it, he had to have proof that the boy beneath him was alive. He half-smiled, because he wasn't to late.

But the small moment where his anguish had been overshadowed by relief was short lived, and it seemed his mask was only made of glass, because it shattered completely in one heart breaking moment, when he realized;

Light Yagami didn't want to be alive.