Chapter 4: Beijing.
Darkness. That's all I can see. But it's not quiet. Screams pierce my ears. I can hear a distinctive voice and the clash of metal. The clash of swords. Running blindly though the darkness, the scene melts into place, as it has done a thousand times before. China barely dodges the next strike. He isn't used to this opponent. His own brother. And what am I doing? Nothing. I run, hearing Zhong Guo trying to reason, trying to talk with Japan. But this is war. This is terror. And I, the capital of China, have to fulfil my duty. My own sword appears in my hand. I have to protect Zhong Guo. He will not kill his brother. He doesn't want to fight him. I can't let him get hurt…or worse. So I run towards them. Vaguely, like the memory it is, I hear China scream at me, telling me to get away. But I don't. I see the flash of Japan's katana and the equally red flash of his once-peaceful eyes. I raise my sword in defence, blocking his first strike, but it's no use. As if in slow motion, the katana moves and I feel it begin to slice the skin on my neck—
The half-shriek has barely left my lips before I clamp my hand over my mouth as I jolt upright in bed, images and terror flooding my mind from my nightmare. I shake violently, still clamping a hand over my mouth to drown any sound and try to listen to the silence. And that's what it is. Silence. For a second, I feel a mix of sadness and fear, sadness at being alone in my terror, and fear at the confusion. Nightmares aren't uncommon for me – in all honesty, they are a nightly occurrence, and nearly every single time I wake up like this, nearly screaming, my country is right there, hugging me and reassuring me, telling everything will be ok like he has done for thousands of years. But he doesn't come, probably still asleep in the next room with the thick enough wall between us. Then in the next second, I feel…relief. Of all the nightmares I have, this is one of the worst, and thank all the deities China didn't hear me this night. That memory is as painful for him as for me, maybe even more so. I won't put him through the pain of remembering it as well.
So I try to convince myself to calm down, telling myself that I can do it without help. But the shaking won't stop and I still need to cover my mouth to stop the scream still pounding in my mind. Desperately, I shut my eyes and rock slightly, back and forth just in the way my country used to rock me to sleep when I was little, but the memories just come soaring back, overwhelming me and trapping me. I need out. I need to breathe but I can't!
Then an idea comes into my head. Instinct kicks in at once, yelling at me, "No! You promised Zhong Guo you would never do that again!" But the idea remains. And it offers exactly what I need, which is for my thoughts, for everything, to stop, at least for a while.
"No. "I whisper into the silence, or mouth it, as if I try to talk I think will really scream. "You can't"
But I do. As if in a terror-induced-trance, I mentally map out my way to the pond I saw a few days ago, the day we were sitting under that tree, and shakily throwing back the bedcovers, I forget my shoes and slip out of my room, hand still over my mouth and treading carefully past my country's room. I don't want to wake him.
The cold night air hits me hard, but those coaxing thoughts remind me that if I go through with this, that won't bother me. The moon is full, and the sky is clear, the stars are boring down on me, their light stabbing my eyes like tiny needles. For just a split second, a movement in the trees catches my eyes; it's as if someone is there, but that is improbable at this time of night. I barely feel first the gravel, then the grass underfoot as I leave the main training ground and slip into the trees and woodland surrounding the track. There it is.
The pond is still and clear right now, gently reflecting the moon and stars above it, and there isn't even a leaf breaking the surface of the water. Slowly, and on shaky legs, I reach the water's edge and crouch down, pushing my long hair over one shoulder and resting my fingertips on the surface of the water, trying to distort my own image so I won't have to see my own haunted eyes as I do this. The water is icy cold, not like last time when…that's another story.
It's a good thing this can't go wrong, that I can't actually die by doing this. All it offers is a brief respite, a halt in my out-of-control, terrifying thoughts, and I will do it.
Time to break a promise.
I steadily lower my head now, touching my forehead to the freezing water, and before another stupid conscience thought comes in, I take a breath and tip forward into the pond.
It's deeper than it looked, and I sink delightfully to the near-bottom before finally opening my eyes and mouth, taking just a second to admire the distorted view of the world above this water.
And I scream.
Bubble stream madly from my lips as I let out the bottled-up pain and I scream, clutching my hair and shaking my head desperately as the water numbs me to the bone and I try to block out the pain, the guilt, and the overwhelming memories. Why, why, why did I stand by to begin with in that fight? Maybe if I had obeyed China after all and stayed out, maybe he wouldn't have gotten hurt! Why did Japan do that to him and to us-
Oh the blackness is creeping in now. My lungs are burning for air, but I won't let myself float to the surface. I won't let myself breathe. Why? Because I want to pass out. When I faint, then I will just float up, and I'll wake up after a minute or two. Maybe I'll repeat the process then, maybe I won't.
"Just…a little…longer." I think as the fire in my chest becomes almost unbearable, and sure enough, the darkness on the edge of my vision is creeping closer. It feels like something within me snaps, my will probably, I feel my eyes close.
And my body rushes to the surface.
A/N: *gasps of horror* quick thanks to the reviews so far- i'd love to hear more about what you guys think :)
Quickly clarifying things, Beijing was not trying to drown herself, simply to pass out and yes, she has done it in the past... (would anyone be interested in that any further?)
Stay tuned!