Harry was eating breakfast with his friends at the wizarding diner when he told them the news.

"I just gained a sexual zombie army through my inheritance ... my magical inheritance."

Ron interrupted Harry and began making police siren noises with his mouth.

"Oh Harry... i'm afraid we won't be able to accept you for who you truly are inside." Hermione made a squinchy face.

Harry sighed. That was to be expected.

Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance. Was it lustrous? We'll never know.

Then Ron spoke. "Harry - we'll be willing to ignore that part of you if you and your army join our a cappella group. So far, the only people in it are us and Moaning Myrtle."

"But.. I've never been much of a singer.." Harry bit his lip self consciously.

"Then I'm afraid we have to forswore your friendship forever, Harry."

"WAIT!" Harry burst into song.

(To the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man, Fiddler on the Roof)

When I was a poor boy

(Yidda- didda- didda - didda -didda- didda- didda didda didda dah!)

All night long stuck in my cupboard dark

Woe, oh woe is meeeee

Ohhh

Then I got to to Hogwarts

(Dumby- dumby- dumby- dumby- dumby- dumby- dumbledore!)

Ze headmaster entranced me with a smile

In bed he didn't treat me like a child

Oo!

Then I met some new friends

(Mione-mione- mione- mione- mione- mione- mione ron!)

They were very insignificant

Well, at least compared with me

Oh!

At this point, Hermione had tears in her eyes. She interrupted him with a loud and throaty "Bravo!"

Harry stopped singing and grinned coyly. "Did you really like it? Enjoy it?"

Ron continued making siren noises, but this time they sounded uplifting.

Hermione got down to business. "Practices will be at 4:30 sharp!"

She handed Harry a song to practice.

It was entitled "The Wizards Go Marching One By One (Hurrah!)" by the Weird Sisters.

"Oh yeah, that's that wizarding band!"

Suddenly, the loudspeaker, with many technical difficulties, announced "The diner is now closing for Wizarding Kwanzaa. I repeat, the diner is now closing for Wizarding Kwanzaa!"

"Oh, shit! We need to go harvest our crops! I do so hope the blueberries didn't spoil!" Hermione looked dismayed.

"Your face looks really stupid right now!" exclaimed Ron.

"Ron, that's impolite! No more chocolate milk before dinner!"

Ron burst into tears as Hermione force apparated him away.

...

Harry returned home, satisfied with the day, only to be accosted by his new goblin slave.

Slamming into him, she screamed with a throaty tone "I found where Voldemort is! It's the port-a-potty at the Icelandic Appreciation Festival! He's been in there for six hours! No doubt he's up to some evil plots!"

"Good work, minion! You have done well and will be rewarded with Harrybucks.

They work like so: two Harrybucks get one night with Harry!"

"You will get 50 Harrycents- save up!" With a foreshadowing wink, he apparated off.

...

Harry couldn't speak any language other than British, which no one seemed to be speaking, so he pointedly peed on the ground, hoping someone would direct him to the nearest port- a- potty. A friendly Icelandic death eater pointed him in the right direction.

He immediately spotted a long, long line of people, some in tents, leading up to a small blue port- a- potty.

The people on line were getting testy. After all, there was only one port- a potty in Iceland, and Voldemort had been in there for hours, maybe even days.

Harry cut the line, after freezing all the muggles, and stepped into the potty.

"Hey, can't you tell somebody is in here?"asked Voldemort. "Rude! The youngsters these days- just rude!"

"YOU are looking at the proud owner of the Zombie Army- a Mr. Harry Potter!"

Voldemort stood up in shock and then pulled up his robes WITHOUT WIPING.

"Eew, you're nasty!" said Harry.

Voldemort could hardly disagree, so he settled with a hearty "How did you find me?"

Harry smirked. "You'll never know! As you'll never escape!"

Voldemort cackled! "I'll escape to a Chamber through the pipes! That's why I chose a potty to hide in!"

Harry laughed "Haha you're SCREWED! Port- a - potties don't have pipes! You're just shitting into a hole!"

"No! No pipes to poop in? But- but- I wanted to meet a friendly Basilisk!"

"Sorry," said Harry.

"It's alright, but would you let me finish pooping before we fight?"

Harry, being the courteous Gryffindor he was said "of course."

An hour later, when Harry opened up the stall again, Voldemort was gone.