"Ah, what a beautiful day…boring. I suppose I owe a small apology to Graystripe. He or she tried to tell me that I had messed up in my uploading, but I misread it. So, I'm sorry Graystripe.
"Hm? 'Go to hell." Huh, well, isn't that nice. Let's break out the Flamer-Author thesaurus. Hmmmm…'go die,' 'go (bleep) yourself,' blah blah blah…Ah! 'Go to hell: I suck and fail and am worse than you are. I cannot match your skills and therefore can only take comfort in insulting you.' Congratulations, Gray. You just admitted your own suckishness and failure. Huh? 'Lar?' Great, now I've got to look that up, too. To Urban Dictionary!" Foxpilot goes to the typing room.
Foxpilot comes back five minutes later. "Okay, 'lar' is used several ways. I suppose you wanted to use it to inspire fear and call me 'lost and retarded.' But, seeing how obscure it is tells me that it's better used as a way to make people laugh. So, I laugh at you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, wait; it's also used by wannabe Singaporean people. So you want to be a failure of a Singaporean who mars all things from that country? I have a friend on this site who's from there and would probably be pretty annoyed by that. My apology stands, but you still fail.
"Well, that was fun. Now, I own no holdings over licensed content, including Star Fox and the weird song I'm using. Let it…Begin!"
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Fox stood on the bridge as the Great Fox cruiser approached Aquas. The planet, named for its expansive oceans, was usually a thriving home for many beings. Now, though, the skies were clear of all other flying machines. Only the Star Fox mothership was in orbit.
Fox was startled by the sound of the holo-communicator buzzing to life. The rest of the crew, excluding ROB, had gone off elsewhere in the ship, leaving him and the aging android alone to take Pepper's garbage. Fox turned around and crossed his arms. "Yes, sir?"
"Star Fox, I want you to take out the enemy bio-weapon!" What the hell was a bio-weapon doing on Aquas? Maybe that explained the lack of traffic.
"Yes sir! Deploy the Blue-Marine!" Pepper closed the channel, leaving Fox with a major unanswered question. "What the hell is a bio-weapon, anyway? A gun made from animal flesh?" Somewhere within earshot, a drum pounded several times before a cymbal crashed. Fox narrowed his eyes at the annoying cliché. He turned around to yell at ROB for making a racket, but the robot had gone off, probably to join the rest of Star Fox in whatever the hell they were doing. It was time to interrupt the little tea party.
Fox stormed down the hallways of the Great Fox, looking and listening for the rest of his crew. He found them in the crew lounge…having a tea party. There was a pink mat on the floor, dolls everywhere, and ROB was serving hot chamomile tea from an antique porcelain pot. The concoction was being put into small fine-china cups. But what really ruffled Fox's fur was the fact that Peppy, aged forty-one, was wearing a bright pink bra and pretending to be a fifteen-year old Corneria Valley girl.
Fox cracked his knuckles, drawing all eyes to him. It was a good thing that the Blue-Marine only held one person. Fox closed the door behind him and smirked evilly. There wouldn't be any escape from him.
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The Great Fox had landed belly-first in the waters of Aquas. Below, fish swam about carelessly. Suddenly, the submerged hangar of the cruiser exploded in a shower of bubbles. From the foam came a giant sardine can.
This was the Blue-Marine, the worst craft to hit Lylat in over 9000 years. Its pilot: a very angry Fox McCloud. "I'm gonna check out the bio-weapon."
Fish swam lazily around the ocean in front, blocking the view. The sound of the engines was drowned out by strange music which had begun to play. The lyrics travelled through the hull of the sardine sub.
It was April the forty-first
Being a quadruple leap-year.
I was driving in downtown Atlantis.
My barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented stingray,
And it was overheating
Fox turned off the radio, which wasn't receiving Cornarian music anyway. With the static gone, the song just came louder.
So I pulled into a Shell Station
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said, "Fix the dam thing,
And leave my private life out of it
Okay, pal?"
Fox was speechless. Who the hell wrote this kind of crap?! Ahead was a savoir for his arteries: enemy organisms. Fox mashed his thumb on the trigger, causing the impossible to happen: the target caught fire underwater. Fox ignored this as he lined up his sights on the next target.
While they were doing that,
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive.
But I knew the owner;
He used to play for the Dolphins.
I said, "Hi Gil!"
You have to yell, he's hard of herring.
Fox was becoming more annoyed by the second. A stupid song was coming from nowhere and the enemies just kept appearing. A seemingly-innocuous starfish detonated off the port side, causing the Blue-Marine's shields to drop dramatically. Fox continued his voyage, blasting several clams as they opened up.
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the gulf stream.
Ooh ooh ooh
Wet dream.
Oh no. Just no. That was the last straw. Using every ounce of his innate vulpine hearing, Fox tracked down the source. It came from…the air vents? Fox put the sub in "Park" and unscrewed the bolts holing the vent in place. Reaching a paw in, he found an odd lump that was loose. Pulling the item out of the dust and cobwebs, Fix discovered the item to be a one-song radio. As Fox searched for an off switch, he came across some tape. "Property of Slippy Toad, hands off," Fox read. Oh yeah, Slippy was going to get it when Fox returned to the Great Fox. In the mean time, Fox found the off-switch and turned the annoyance off. Finally, the only sounds in the sub were the blip of the radar, the hum of the engines, and the pilot's angry breathing. It was time to finish the bastards polluting the planet. Then Slippy would get his, infinite torpedoes or not.
For the moment, Fox would just continue the mission. Sitting back down and putting the Blue-Marine in gear, Fox turned on the radio and said, "I'm sending the data to you guys."
On the Great Fox, Peppy used his good hand/paw thing to process the incoming data stream. Fox's merciless beating had all but eliminated the crew from action for a while. Though their leader had spared them broken bones, the bruises and lacerations would last for weeks.
Back in the ocean, Fox blew up some laser-shooting squids with a torpedo. Falco offered advice that Fox had figured out a long time ago. "Shoot a torpedo to help you see." Fox muttered at the uselessness of his wingmates and fired a torpedo just to keep the arrogant bird happy. The bird's beak was dented like a kicked can and there were gashes above his eye. And this was only his head.
"Looks like the pollution has started." Peppy's visible injuries consisted of a bent ear, chipped front teeth, and a very broken nose. ROB had managed to reset the cartilage appendage, but Peppy's face was still matted with blood.
"It's awful…" Slippy had fared best because he had promised to put Fox's coveted Hyper Lasers on the sardine can for the Aquas venture, then return them to the Arwing before they went on to the next area to liberate.
Destroying a clam and two odd, glowing shell enemies with a combination of lasers and torpedoes, Fox responded, "Shut up! Just shut up! You're all idiots! There's no pollution, I know that the torpedoes help me see, and of course it's awful, that's why we're here!" The rest of the crew mummed themselves at Fox's outburst.
Falco cut the channel and turned to Slippy. "I think he learned about you little "revenge" thing. You're so screwed, you know that, right?" Slippy's only response was to swallow audibly.
In the meantime, Fox had made his way through two giant fish and had come upon some ruins. Slippy's voice quavered with fear as he commented on the scenery. "Wow! Look at that! It's beautiful!" Fox, having calmed himself over the deaths of two large creatures, remained silent and focused instead on blowing up Slippy's new favorite tourist attraction.
Some missles attacked the sardine sub, only to meat firey death by Hyper Laser. Fox continued, destroying jellyfish, a giant angler fish, and columns left and right. It was at this point that Slippy decided to have the gall ask a stupid question. "How's the Blue-Marine?"
"You know those cans of spiced flies you like? It handles like one of those."
Peppy tried to hearten the toad from Fox's cold comment. "It's a good thing you prepared, Slip."
Falco was pleasant as usual. "This thing will never hold together." Fox nodded in agreement. Once the mission was complete, he was going to personally make sure the sardine can was melted down and remade as spare Arwing parts.
A wave of laser fire aimed directly at the sardine/bug can. Slippy decided to be annoying again and warned the superior pilot of the incoming threat. "Whoa! Watch out." If Fox was going to destroy him later, Slippy reasoned, he would get in as much annoyance as his last moments in Lylat would allow.
Peppy decided to inform Fox of the special ability of the slothful sub in the way only he could. "Do a barrel roll!" Fox did so, listening for once, and continued to blow crap up in physics-defying explosions.
Fox plowed through more fish, causing the ocean around him to turn green from sea-blood. Fox realized that he was polluting the planet more than the bio-weapon ever would.
Suddenly, Slippy's voice rang out again. "Look out behind you!" Fox rolled, deflecting fire from his hull while wondering what Slippy meant. Looking down at his radar, he noticed a large enemy coming up fast. Fox dove as low as he could, skimming the bottom of the Aquas ocean. Overhead, another angler fish swam by. Fox took the opportunity to unload more missiles and lasers into the ecosystem, destroying the large aquatic animal and a number of jellyfish. Slippy continued to annoy. "Keep shooting. We've got lots of torpedoes!"
"You're the best, Slippy!" Peppy seemed to agree with Slip's idea of annoying the vulpine pilot/helmsman…even though he was in the middle of a battle.
"Thanks, Peppy!" Fox's eye started twitching at how sappy and stupid his "teamies" were being. He decided that he would continue to beat them until morale improved. His morale, at least; theirs were expendable.
"This thing will never hold together." Okay, maybe Fox could spare Falco a few lumps.
Fox travelled through a long trench, blowing up starfish and rocks along the way. Peppy eventually came in and said one of the most over-used lines ever. "I've got a BAD feeling about this, Fox." Fox ignored him, preferring to try and blow the juice out of a trio of jellyfish connected by electricity. He failed, and was even more annoyed as Slippy came over the intercom again.
"Watch out, Fox!" No sooner had the toad's cry gone out than rocks pummeled the sardine can. Fox did everything he could, but the shields ended up critical by the time the onslaught had ended.
As damage klaxons blared, Fox pushed the can to its limit, blasting through enemies in a desperate attempt to reach the end of the horrible nightmare. Eventually, Fox managed to crush all of the enemies in his path. It was then that he noticed a giant presence on the radar. It could only mean one thing. "I found the bio-weapon."
The bio-weapon turned out to be a massive clam with strange tubes on its upper shell. The bizarre creature opened its shell, exposed its weak point, and slammed its impenetrable casing shut. The resulting rush of water pushed the Blue-Marine back a bit, but caused no damage.
Though Fox would never admit it to his lackeys, he was frightened. His shields wouldn't last against a strong attack and this…thing looked rather difficult. Fox looked around the command console, hoping for inspiration. Torpedoes, lasers, Fara Phoenix bobble-head (from Peppy for his fifteenth birthday), stupid radar, annoying radio…
Aha! The radio of evil! Fox immediately swept the device up, rewound it, and loaded it into the launch tube for torpedoes. The last thing he thought before launching Slippy's offensive device was, 'I hope this is waterproof!'
Switching the device on, Fox fired the noisemaker out into the ocean. The lyrics floated through the hull, but the clam seemed more afraid than Fox was disgusted. The giant oyster froze entirely, staring as the evil song-player slammed into its eye. The clam snapped its armor shut, which trapped the demonic song inside with it. Slowly, the clam's shell expanded, until it finally burst in a giant flash, much like the other bosses. As the light died down, Fox observed that the bio-weapon's eye was floating lifelessly up towards the surface. The vulpine grinned. Victory complete, he contacted his team.
"We're preparing to dock. Thanks Slip. Your evil radio came through." Toad's face paled at this. So Fox knew it was his…oh crap…
"It was Slippy's idea!" Peppy was quick to cover his ass, which irritated the doomed amphibian.
"Thanks a lot, Peppy!"
"I told you he'd find out." Falco was as insensitive as ever.
"Sheesh, Falco! You too?" Slippy was doing his best to be indignant and brave at the same time, but was failing on both fronts. Fox grinned as the radio went silent. When he got back to the Great Fox, Slippy's ass was totally going to get feet up it.
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"And that's the story of Aquas." Marcus bowed before the applause of his crowd. "Any questions?"
A stoat raised her hand. "Why is your Dad a psychopath?"
"You would be, too, if you had to live with Slippy for more than three days."
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"Sorry it took so long to get out. I was having trouble convincing myself that the song was a good idea. Eventually, I realized it wasn't and just ended up with this result. Thanks for waiting. And to those who read and reviewed 'Andross Slayer,' thank you. It has my highest chapter-to-review ratio so far.
"The song was 'Wet Dream' by Kip Addotta. If you want the full version, look it up. But be warned, it is kind of an awkward song. More of a story really.
"Ciao chow, people. I don't know when the next chapter will be out, since things are getting busy, but it'll be less awkward than this one, I hope."