"Hey Ana, how's it going today." Turning around as she saw Cole, a doctor that she'd met once while finishing up her rounds when volunteering in the children part of the hospital. After Christian had passed away she wanted to keep herself busy, and though SIP worked for a while, it wasn't ever enough. It didn't help the nights she went home to an empty apartment so she started volunteering. It took her mind off the constant memory of him, but the pain, and heartache of her reality always crept back in.
"Hey ,Cole. How are you today?" She asked quietly, hoping that it would be a short conversations, the last thing that she wanted was to associate with anyone. She wanted to mope, and she didn't care how pathetic that was, she missed Christian and she wasn't sure she'd ever move on from his death, the sad part was she didn't know if she even wanted to.
"I'm great. I wanted to ask you something. There's this charity even tonight for the hospital, and I wanted to know if you'd like to be my date."
As her eyes widened, Ana felt a pain shoot through her chest. Anxiety. The fact was that even though he was gone, Ana couldn't bring herself to move on, she couldn't even look at another man the way she had Christian, it made her feel like not only was she cheating on him, but that he was really gone, and it wasn't something she was ready to accept yet. Not by a long shot. Silly maybe, but everyone grieves in their own way, right?
"Listen, Cole. You're an amazing guy, but I'm not ready for dating, I'm not ready to even go out with another man. The thought, without sounding harsh, well it repulses me. I'm sorry."
"I get it." He said, not bothering to hide the disappointment on his face. "I'm sorry, Ana, I didn't mean to push you."
"You're not pushing me. Christian was the love of my life, and as silly as it may sound, I'm not ready to completely let him go yet. I know that I have to, and I know I can't continue to hold on to someone who isn't ever coming back, but I need to grieve on my own time, in my own way and I am in no way ready to take another step with someone else quite yet. I'm sorry."
"Ana, don't be sorry. I understand completely. I should get going; I have a few more rounds to do." Cole said, but before he walked away he stared at her with wide, hopeful eyes and said "But when you are ready to take that step, please, let me know."
It was a cold and chilly night as Ana sat at Christian's grave. As much time as passed without his presence, Christian still look up so much of her life, and she couldn't seem to live without. Every day was a struggle, just getting out of bed these days, seemed to take up every ounce of energy she had. Taking another sip of the bottle whiskey that she'd bought, she began to cry harder than she ever had before.
"It's not fair. " She spoke to his grave, setting the bottle on the ground. "You weren't supposed to die, you weren't supposed to leave me. You're always one step ahead, Christian, why didn't you know there was something wrong with the plane? I hate this, and the worst part of it all is I have no one to blame, they don't even know who caused the crash. God, I miss you. More than anything. They say that within time, you start to heal, but I'm still waiting. I'm not getting better, this isn't any easier. I thought by now I'd be able to find a little bit of happiness, in fact I thought I have this void inside of me that I can't seem to fill, the truth is you're the only one who can fill that. Christian, I wish you would come back to me. I remember when you first time, I visited your parents' house every Sunday. Your mom, well she told me all these stories about you when you were growing up, you were stubborn even back then. I started wondering what it might be like, if we ever had a child of our own, but the truth is its useless. I'm dwelling on the what ifs and I have to stop that because you're never coming back to me. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I think back all the time on everything I've lost and it always puts me in a mood. How can this be true, how can you really be gone. It's only been a year but I feel like you've been gone from my life for so long. How does that happen? It's like you're just gone, I'm losing my sense of reason, and I have nowhere to turn. Everything is a reminder of you. I'm a train wreck. I can't hate the pain though, because the pain is a reminder that you were real, it reminds me that I had a love that only comes once in a lifetime and I wouldn't change it, even if I could. "Ana told the cold grave as she shifted into a laying position and curled up in a ball on the cold, hard ground. She couldn't pretend to be okay anymore, she'd done that for that past year, and it got her nowhere. She pulled out her phone, needing to hear his voice again, she had a saved message that he'd left for her a week before he died. They had a fight, she couldn't remember what it was about, but she couldn't bring herself to delete the message.
"Ana, I'm guessing you're avoiding my calls now, and I can't really blame you. We both said a lot of things that I wish we could go back and erase. I hate fighting with you, it's the last thing I ever want to do with you. And trust me, there's plenty I'd like to do with you. It wasn't that long ago when I was nothing but a cold hearted man. You changed me, Ana, you made me a better person, and a better man. I am who I am now because of you. I'll always be grateful for the love and happiness you brought to my life. You're an amazing woman, and I want to spend the rest of my life, making it up to you, showing you just how much I love and cherish you. A life without you, isn't something I want to live. I remember those five days when we broke up, something inside of me died, I couldn't function, I think that was when I first realized I loved you. I'm sure I loved you the moment you fell into my office, but it wasn't until the breakup that I realized what it was. I never thought I was capable of love, I mean, I was ruthless, I wanted to beat women who looked like my mother so I could find some sense of control, why would someone like me ever be able to feel love? You taught me better though, Ana, you taught me that anyone who was capable of giving out love, was also capable of giving love and being saved. And that's what you did for me, baby, you saved me. You saved me and all my fifty shades. I love you so much and I just want you to come home, please don't continue to be angry with me, I'm sorry, I'll do anything you want, just please come back to me. I need you. I love you Ana, you're my forever." Christian's voice came through her ear and she couldn't stop her sobs from coming through. She played the message over and over
"I hate that you left me here alone, she whispered back into the phone. You said you'd never leave me. Why did you have to go?" Ana questioned him, knowing that she'd never receive an answer "I don't want to live without you, I'd rather just die."
She lay in that spot for hours, Ana began to feel like her life didn't matter anymore. What was the point of living without the one who made you whole? What was the point? Nothing mattered if she didn't have Christian. No one was ever going to compare to him, she was always going to find something wrong with every man she gave a chance to, but he was never going to be good enough, because he wasn't Christian Grey.
"God, I wish I could just hate you, this would be so much easier. Why can't I hate you for leaving me?" Ana asked but she already knew the answer. The plane crash wasn't his fault, and more than that he was the love of her life, she never could stay mad at him for long. Even when he was alive. "I've been thinking a lot about you proposing to me, and I regret that I never got to tell you my answer. Christian, it was always yes. There was never anything to think about, I always had the intention of telling you that I wanted to be your wife, but now it's too late." Ana said, feeling the emotions of it all coming to surface as she slipped into darkness.
She didn't wake until she felt arms around her. But when she looked up at the person staring back at her, she knew it was nothing but a dream. A dream where she was met with her favorite pair of Grey eyes.