"You don't work in your laboratory anymore?" Thor asked over lunch a few days later, and Tony shook his head.
"Why would I?"
"You always enjoyed…"
"Not anymore." Tony took a sip of his water and the barest nibble of a bite of chicken. "Nope. No team to make gear for."
"You used to just…" Thor searched for the right word. "Tinker. With your robots."
"No." Tony pushed his plate away. "I don't-don't want to build anything anymore."
"That's too bad." Thor watched him pick at his food for a few more minutes. "Anthony, would you please just-" he got up and walked around the table to sit right next to Tony, spearing a piece of chicken and propping it up in front of his mouth. "Open."
"You're not going to feed me like a child." Tony protested.
" Open ." Thor demanded, his voice going deep, and Tony's eyes widened, his jaw dropping open automatically to take the bite off Thor's fork.
"Better." Thor got another piece ready. "Again."
"Are we really going to-"
" Again ." Thor demanded and Tony swallowed hastily, taking another bite. "Better." Thor's tone softened as he scooped even more onto the fork this time, and Tony didn't try to argue, just opened his mouth and ate each forkful that Thor put in front of him.
Thor smiled and made encouraging noises as Tony ate, until was only a few bites of food left in the bowl.
"Thank you." He said then and handed Tony a bottle of water. "Thank you for eating for me."
Tony didn't say anything for a long moment, then just jumped from his chair and made a beeline for the bathroom, his hand clapped over his mouth as he went.
Thor followed quickly, and made it to the bathroom in time to hear Tony lose his lunch in the toilet, sobbing and retching into the bowl.
"Anthony. I am so sorry...why- was it the chicken?" Thor couldn't stop himself from placing his hand on Tony's back, touching him carefully. "What is going on?" Tony flinched away from his hands and Thor pulled away immediately.
"Too much food." Tony gasped and dropped onto the floor next to the toilet, covering his face with his hands. "Too much food, not used to so much food, I couldn't keep it down."
Thor cursed under his breath and sat down as well, dropping his head into his hands. "Forgive me. I was only trying to-"
"I know. Good intentions and all that." Tony waved him off. "It's fine."
"Having good intentions does not excuse hurtful behavior." Thor said softly and Tony twitched a little.
"What?"
"Having good intentions, such as trying to get you to eat. Anthony, that does not excuse the fact that now you are hurting, and you are hurting because of me . And I must apologise for that."
"It's fine." Tony shrugged and wiped his mouth, reaching up to flush the toilet. "It's fine, Thor."
"It's not ." Thor shook his head.
"Yeah well. It doesn't matter much anyway, does it?"
"It does, Anthony." Thor argued, and his blue eyes looked sad. "Everything about you matters."
"I don't know what to say to that." Tony took a long drink from his water bottle. "What am I supposed to say to that."
"You can just take it as truth."
Tony just looked away and closed his eyes. "Whatever."
"Will you tell me what happened with the team?" Thor asked as he sat in Tony's room and watched him pour a glass of scotch. Tony had been talking more these last few days, even after the incident with the chicken, and Thor was encouraged by it. Anything was better than that awful silence, so tonight he took a chance at letting Tony open up to him.
"Not much to tell." Tony took a long drink, and offered Thor the bottle, but the demi-god turned it down. "Things went badly during a mission, people died who shouldn't have died. The UN demanded that we be held accountable or basically disband. I wanted to sign the Accords, Cap refused."
"Why did the Captain refuse?"
"His friend had been sited near a UN bombing, and Steve thought he was innocent. So he crossed national borders wearing that stupid spangled outfit and went after his buddy. Caused a huge international incident, and the UN asked the Avengers to intervene." Tony shifted uncomfortably, the memories still a little too raw.
"And that was the fight in the airport? With the giant man and the-the spider?"
" God ." Tony laughed a little and Thor flinched because it wasn't a good sound. "God, yeah that was… that's what that was. A nightmare. You should have seen Clint and Tasha fighting each other. Fucking Wanda accused Clint of pulling his punches and basically obliterated Tasha. That ant guy. One second he was tiny and ripping wires from my suit. The next minute he's huge and throwing airplanes at us.
"Sam Wilson and the fucking Winter Soldier fighting together as if they were just best friends all the sudden. It was nuts. It was…" Tony swallowed hard. "It was like something out of a comic book but I was just right there in the middle of it."
"The...cat person." Thor prompted.
"Prince T'Challa of Wakanda. Or rather, King now. He would have ripped Bucky to pieces if he had the chance."
"And he is… against you, now?" Thor watched as Tony nearly collapsed into his chair, his hands trembling around the glass.
"No. I think he is neutral. I think once he decided not to pursue Bucky anymore, he gave up the whole vengeance thing."
"And Captain Rogers and this...Bucky. Left you in-"
"I can't talk about that." Tony gripped his glass tight. "I can't. Don't ask. Don't even-just don't. Don't. Please. I can't talk about that and I can't talk about Rhodey." His voice broke then, his shoulders starting to shake. "Goddamnit. Vision and-and that stupid beam. And then Rhodey fell and-oh my god Rhodey ."
He groaned then, rocking in his chair a little. "Nightmares. Watching Rhodey fall like that. I couldn't grab him in time. He hurts so bad. Every day. He hurts and I've tried to help him walk, tried to build braces but he can't-the pain- fuck ." Tony closed his eyes. " Fuck."
"Anthony." Thor knelt by his chair, wanting to reach out, but keeping his hands to himself. "I'm so sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong." Tony said wearily. "Stop apologizing. You keep apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Neither did you." Thor pointed out. "And yet, I have seen hours of footage of you apologizing to the UN and individual countries as well as our own cities, for the impact the rogue Avengers have had on their-"
"Don't call them that!" Tony's voice rose. "They aren't...rogue. They are just...gone. Just gone . Rogue makes them sound like criminals, like they are purposefully breaking laws and-"
"But they are. They did, didn't they? As soon as Captain Rogers decided to pursue Bucky across international borders? As soon as he broke into that floating raft-prison-thing, and freed them. They are criminals."
"Just don't call them that. And of course I apologized. Someone has to clean up the mess."
"And that someone has to be you?" Thor raised an eyebrow and Tony's head jerked up to stare at him.
"Yes! Thor, someone has to step up and do the right thing and I'm the only one left, so of course I'm the one too-" his voice trailed off and he slumped back into his seat again. "I'm the only one left."
Thor smiled then, because Tony's eyes had lit and his cheeks had flushed and for a few seconds he had looked like himself again.
"I'm here as well, Tony." Gently, softly, Thors deep voice barely above a whisper.
"Yeah, you didn't leave when I told you to."
"And I won't." Thor said firmly. "I won't leave you. You aren't going to be alone anymore, Anthony."
"I know." Tony drained his glass and poured another. "You say it every night when you put me in bed."
"You hear that?" Thor asked, his voice softening even more and Tony nodded.
"Yeah. The crazy thing is, I'm even starting to believe it."
The next night at dinner, Tony left his seat and sat next to Thor on the couch.
"Are you alright?" Thor asked, and Tony opened his mouth, waiting for Thor to give him some food.
Thor smiled and carefully scooped a few peas onto a spoon to feed Tony the little bite. "Good?" he asked quietly and Tony nodded and scooted a little closer.
"Can I have some more?"
"However much you want. Small bites this time, hm?"
"Small bites." Tony agreed and it seemed as if his eyes warmed a little, seemed like maybe he moved just a little closer again.
"Alright then." Thor offered him another bite, and then another until Tony pushed the spoon away with a shake of his head.
"Thanks." He took a quick drink, flushing when he noticed Thor's eyes tracking the movement of his throat. "Why are you-why are you looking at me like that?"
Thor was ready to brush the question off, ready to just shrug and change the subject, but Tony had been being painfully honest with him lately, and open and vulnerable, so Thor took a deep breath and decided to be open as well. "May I kiss you, Anthony?"
"What?" Tony blinked at him uncertainly. "Why would you want to kiss me?"
"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time." Thor said with a short smile, but Tony was already shaking his head.
"But you never said anything. Not once, you never did. Why wouldn't you try back when things were good? Why all the sudden now when things are-" Tony's eyes widened. "Don't kiss me now because you feel sorry for me. That's…" his expression dimmed. "I don't want a pity kiss from the god of thunder. No thanks."
"No." Thor shook his head quickly. "Anthony that's not why-"
"Good night." Tony got to his feet abruptly and headed out the door grabbing a bottle of liquor as he went.