Abandoned Driveways
4-I'll Fill Your Gut with All the Pain and Loss
The first thing Fai became aware of was the headache that throbbed in his temples and pounded through the rest of his skull. His brow furrowed, trying to ward off the pain and help his eyelids block the harsh morning light. The effort was futile in both areas.
Groaning with resignation, Fai forced his eyelids open a crack.
His heart skipped a beat as he realized his surrounding were unfamiliar. They tugged at his memory, and he was sure he'd been here before, but through his hangover, he couldn't place them.
Shit, Fai growled mentally, what did I do last night?
He hoped it wasn't something that would upset his family. Then again, his parents were most likely either hungover as well or so stoned they wouldn't know their own names, much less his. He wasn't entirely sure Chii would understand how wrong this situation was, but Ashura would definitely make this an example of Something That Should Never Happen Again.
Fai couldn't suppress the shudder that ran through him at the thought of his cousin. Ashura was three years older than him and violently overprotective. Unfortunately, he was apparently trying to protect Fai from himself.
Fai dismissed the thought and tried to cast his mind back to the night before.
"Your grades will start to slip if you stay home any longer."
Ashura's calm voice startled Fai from his thoughts, but he covered it with a smile as he turned to the door of his room. Internally, he scolded himself for staring out the window at Kuro-tan's house instead of reading the book in front of him.
"Ah, right," he chirped, "I'll be there on Monday. I was just worried that I might make someone else sick." As usual, he was lying. In reality, he'd been avoiding Kurogane. After their last encounter, he'd been terrified his "tall, dark, and handsome" would react badly.
Ashura's features twisting in concern, which had been the last thing Fai wanted. As the older man stepping into the room, Fai tried to draw back inconspicously.
"Are you still sick?" Ashura asked, his voice as full of concern as it ever got. He raised his hand as if to compare its temperature to Fai's forehead, and the blond visibly fliched. Ashura's expression darkened.
"No, no, I'm okay. I'm fine now," Fai assured him, reaching for the slighted hand to cover up his earlier reaction.
A rush of blood filled Fai's ears as Ashura's knuckles connected hard with his cheekbone. He blinked as his mind tried to catch up with the situation even as his heart sank with dread.
"Then why did you stay home? If you're fine, go to school," Ashura scolded. His voice was devoid of emotion, but the long fingers digging into the muscle of Fai's neck communicated his frustration better than if he had screamed the words.
Ashura had left the room after his short lecture, and, without thinking, Fai had crawled through his window and found himself on Kuro-pii's doorstep. After that, he couldn't remember much. If this was Kuro-pon's living room, that would explain his vague memory of him.
"You're awake?"
The rough voice prompted him to forced his eyes open again. Kuro-tan stood at the opening of the hallway, wearing only low-slung black sweatpants. For a moment, Fai could only admire the rippling musculature of his sun-kissed torso.
Apparently that was all the answer the man needed, because he advanced into the room and sat on the table in front of Fai's couch. Fai hid his discomfort with a smile, but his heart pounded. Kuro-chan's crimson eyes seemed to burn through them, making him wonder again what had happened here the night before. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to avoid the onslaught of questions he knew was coming.
"You're such a lightweight," Kuro-chuu commented suddenly. A faint blush snuck past Fai's defenses; he knew the taller boy was right.
Suddenly a darker-skinned hand came up; the rough pads of the fingers brushed lightly across the sensitive skin of Fai's throat. Blue eyes widened dramatically, and Fai wondered what he had done that made Kuro-pon think a touch like that was okay.
"Where did you get this?" Kuro-wan asked. His deep voice was soft and laced with concern.
Oh. Right. The bruises Ashura's fingers had left on his throat.
"Who knows?" Fai lied, "It's not important, is it?"
Kuro-sama's dark eyes flashed. "Of course it is!" he snapped, leaning in, "I shouldn't be the only one worried if someone is trying to strangle you!" He continued to glare, as if oblivious of his own words.
"Kuro-chan is worried about me?" he asked playfully, taking the hand that still rested on his neck.
Those words provoked the blush he had expected. Still, Kuro-tan didn't break his gaze or his line of interrogation.
"Quit turning this on me!" Kurogane snapped, obviously frazzled, "I want to know where you got these!" His hand lurched toward Fai's throat, but the blond didn't flinch. He could feel his smile falter just slightly, however, and he hoped Kuro-pii hadn't noticed it.
The tan hand stopped just as the fingertips brushed paler skin, and shame flooded the crimson eyes. Fai decided he didn't like that look.
"So," he began instead, taking Kuro-wan's hand in his slighter ones, "I'm sure Kuro-sama has a lot to do today, so I'll just leave now."
He stood, but Kuro-chan didn't release his hand. When Fai looked down at him, he saw that the other continued to face forward, his eyes fixed on the couch where Fai had been sitting. His expression was dark and brooding, as if he didn't like what he was about to say but wanted to make sure the message got across. Fai waited, wondering at Kuro-pon's seemingly selfless nature.
Instead, he shook his head, the muscles in his neck moving smoothly under his dark skin. "You're not leaving yet," he stated firmly, finally turning so sapphire met ruby, "Not until you give me a straight answer."
"One straight answer coming right up," Fai assured him playfully, hoping his voice wouldn't shake under that determined gaze. However, the relief that shone after his words almost made him feel worse.
Before speaking again, Kuro-chan stood and moved into Fai's personal space, limited as it might have been. The blond didn't move as the strong, tanned fingers slide through his thick hair. He focused on the collarbone inches from his nose, trying to control his breathing.
The silence stretched out, and Fai dared to glance up at Kuro-tan's face. His expression was thoughtful, his brow furrowed, as if he was deep in thought. Fai wondered if the other had caught the warning in his playful comment and was choosing his question carefully.
"Why won't you come ask me for help?" Kuro-chu asked finally. His voice was soft, as if the question had slipped out without his permission. His expression darkened as if he was mentally kicking himself.
After a moment's thought, Fai decided the question was safe enough to answer honestly. He added another kilowatt to his smile. "Now, now, Kuro-wan," he began, slipping a hint of laughter into his already too-cheerful-to-be-genuine voice, "You can't go around solving everyone's problems, can you?"
Even phrased in such an innocuos way, Fai found that it hurt him to admit that his problems were beyond solving. A flash of insight, closely followed by a jolt of panic, told him that the man in front of him had given him hope, however fleeting. But who could be immune to the determined glare he found himself on the recieving end of so often? Even now, that expression was fully focused on him.
"I'm not trying to solve everyone's problems," Kurogane growled, "I'm just trying to help you!"
Fai could feel an edge of sadness to the smile the crossed his face now, and he couldn't seem to erase it. He wanted what was being offered to him-freedom, hope, and maybe, if he was lucky, even love. But no matter the circumstances, family was important.
The last thought reminded him that he had been away from home all night, and that Ashura would no doubt be waiting with another lecture full of emotional barbs. Hiding his sudden discomfort from his companion, he drew back and laughed.
"Well, thank you Kuro-chan, but the best thing for me right now is to go get some shut-eye in a real bed," he lied, knowing full well he wouldn't be getting any more sleep for hours at best. He drew back from the other man's arms and hurried out the door, thowing a wave over his shoulder that he hoped looked casual enough to cover his suspiciously quick exit. As he closed the door behind himself, he could hear a familiar deep voice cursing at an empty room.
As he crossed the rich green expanse between the house he lived in and the house he'd spent the night at, he took several deep breaths to prepare himself. His heart sank as, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the curtains fall back into place. He hoped it had been Chii looking for him, but that wasn't very likely.
The door opened as he reached it, confirming his fears even before he could see Ashura waiting just inside the darkness of the living room. If it had been Chii, she would have thrown the door open, then run out and tackled him. He forced himself to smile at Ashura, hoping the older male would at least behave until the door closed. He didn't know if Kuro-chii would be able to see them at this angle, but it wouldn't help Fai's denials.
The pale face, framed with dark hair that was unusually mussed, watched him impassively. Even from the other side of the porch, Fai could feel the disappoint radiating from the imposing, immobile form. Still, he took the few steps remaining with no hesitation.
"Where have you been?" Ashura asked softly. He didn't move to let Fai enter the house.
"Nowhere important," Fai told him, trying to convince himself as well as his cousin. It didn't seem to work on either of them, judging by the way Ashura's expression darkened and the way he could feel his own heart clench at the lie.
"So, what? You're just sleeping around now?" Ashura accused, his words sharper than knives. For a moment, the impact of those words stole Fai's breath and kept him from defending himself.
"I thought you were better than that, Fai. How can you prove me wrong? Yuui wouldn't have acted like this; he should've been the one to survive that accident. There's only a boy living over there, right? Yuui would never let some guy screw him, especially someone he just met."
Ashura's dark eye were still flashing with anger, but he shut his mouth in a tight line and turned away. The smile of Fai's lips had gone stale, but he held it in place as he followed his cousin into the house and shut the door behind him.
He could feel moisture pricking the back of his eyes as he hurried to his room, and luckily no one stopped him. His parent's were passed out on the couch, reeking of whatever drugs they'd gotten into last, and Chii was only visible as a lump among her covers. Ashura had disappeared somewhere into the depths of the house.
Upon reaching his room, he closed the door behind his and slid down it. His knees stopped him, pressing against his forehead, and his hands were balled into fists against his eyes, trying to resist the tears he felt bearing down on him. A dry sob escaped him and he bit his lip to stop any more from passing.
"Yuui," he finally whispered. His body curled tighter, as if the name of his dead twin caused him physical pain. He knew Ashura was right, that Yuui should've been the one who lived through the accident that had started everything.
Yuui had died. Their parents had started their drink-and-drug binges. Ashura, whose father had walked out on him and his sick mother, had come to live with them, taking care of Chii and Fai himself. The only relief had been that Chii had been to young to remember the worst of the turmoil.
Fai, meanwhile, had been living with the guilt. What right did he have to escape it? He knew worse things would follow him and hurt anyone else he might come to care for.
"Kuro-chan..."