Olivia couldn't stand it anymore. She felt better after speaking with Margo, but still couldn't block the feeling of guilt for pushing Elliot away after his intentions were so pure. Thoughts of Elliot clouded her mind, and after many failed attempts at an afternoon nap, she got the courage to drive across town to his condo. She wasn't sure what she was going to say, but she knew their friendship had to be restored, maybe even strengthened once she elaborated on the truth
Elliot was in his living room, slumped lazily on the couch. He had the TV on, but was doing anything but watching it. At the moment, he was reflecting on his thoughts and memories of him and Kathy. She had kicked him out - again. Kathy forced him out of their house a few weeks ago after Elliot came home late from investigating a cold case with Olivia. As usual, Kathy had blown everything out of proportion, resulting in another heated argument, which only escalated. Elliot even tried to apologize for what never happened between him and Olivia, like all the times before. Not that he didn't want it anything to happen. The fire between him and Kathy had burned out long ago, and for as long as he could remember, all he wanted was comfort.
Any spare thought went to Olivia and the issues he wanted to help her work through. He had called her and stopped by her apartment multiple times in the few days he hadn't heard from her, but got no response. He hoped that wherever she was, and whatever she was doing, that she was trying to heal herself.
She stood in front of his door for what to her seemed like hours. She held up her closed fist to knock on his door various times, but hesitation took over and forced her to drop her arm back down to her side. She sucked her bottom lip in nervousness before taking a deep breath, closing her eyes and sharply knocking four times.
The sudden noise abruptly pulled Elliot from his state of mind. It was Olivia's signature rhythmic knock. He stood up swiftly and made his way to the door, knowing it was her, yet trying not to get his hopes up in case it wasn't. Once he was positioned in front of the door, he gave a quick sigh and grasped the doorknob, pulling it open with one fast motion. There she was. Olivia. Her hands stuffed deep in the pockets of her thick trenchcoat, eyes glued to the floor in shame.
"What are you doing here? No one else could solve your problems?" He felt bad for her, but he was angry. Or maybe he was trying to cover up the fact that he had been desperate to see her, to know what she was doing. Hell, even he didn't know the answer.
Her head shot up. "How could... - " Olivia cleared her throat and swallowed back her anger. She looked back at the floor momentarily before staring intently into his eyes.
"Look, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to.. apologize."
There were a couple seconds of silence before Elliot moved aside, gesturing for her to follow him in.
"You want something to drink?" He waved towards the kitchen as he walked passed it back into the living room.
She stopped, and walked towards the cupboards. "Maybe I will, I accidently left my coffee in the car."
Elliot was grateful just for Olivia making the action to come over to his place. Although he didn't understand the shame, guilt and embarrassment she had gone through, he knew it took an extreme amount of bravery for her to simply get up every morning and face the day. He had watched the rollercoaster ride she had endured. Watched the hopeful look in her eyes fade in and out throughout the days. Even though it troubled him to see Olivia suffering like that, in a twisted way, it only made him appreciate her more. He realized how much he appreciated her determination and courage.
He sat down again, watching his partner crack open the fridge through the drywall cut-out in the only wall seperating them. He was sure after all the years, she still didn't know how beautiful she was, and the fact that she did it effortlessly amazed him more every single day.
She leaned into the fridge. "You want anything?"
"Oh no, thanks. I got some water out here." She could feel his eyes on her. It made her smile. It wasn't uncomfortable when he continuously watched her like it did with every other man she'd come into contact with. Olivia wasn't sure of the word to describe it. Perhaps it was innocence. She didn't know for sure, but it made her feel safe and loved.
"I'm taking your last glass of orange juice." she informed him as she poured the smooth liquid into the crystal glass.
A small smile crept over his lips. "All right."
She placed her heavy coat on the polished coat rack before strutting into the living room with her orange juice to join Elliot. She stopped suddenly behind the couch. Elliot noticed and looked up, realizing she had a raised eyebrow towards the TV.
"Jeopardy? Really, Elliot?"
"Well, I wasn't actively watching it. The only time I was ever even interested in the concept was when that guy won over two million dollars. I forget his name... "
"Ken Jennings?" she said it without hesitation.
His brows furrowed as he looked up at her.
"How'd you know that?"
Her eyes moved from side to side, somewhat embarrassed.
"Uh.. lucky guess."
"Sure.."
Both partners let out a small, breathy laugh as Elliot scooted over to make room for Olivia on the sofa. He found the remote and switched the TV off, turning in closer to his partner. Olivia put her drink down and cleared her throat, trying to find the words to explain. The silence was bitter and emotionally stimulating. They rarely had the time to sit together, undisturbed, just listening to each other's beautiful, complicated thoughts.
Elbows on her knees, fingers laced together, Olivia blinked once before attempting to gain eye contact with her gorgeous partner.
She finally spoke. "Elliot... I never wanted to complain.. or, admit even.. that I was defeated. But I have been. You know me, I.. I try to maintain control of my life when it's impossible... " Her voice trailed off. She wanted to say so much more to him. She wanted to spill the complex, yet simple feelings she had been holding back during the near eleven years they had been partners.
"It's okay, Liv." He patted her shoulder and started to stand up, accepting the near apology and brushing it off like most men do.
"No, no..." Olivia grasped his toned bicep, causing him to stop in a half-standing position. It almost took him by surprise. He look into her perfectly round eyes. They pleaded with guilt.
She pulled his arm slightly downwards. ".. Please, El.. sit. Sit down. Let me finish."
Elliot leaned forward now, his interest piqued after now realizing how deep and meaningful her act of coming over really was. She scratched her brow with the back of her thumb.
"Look, the truth is, when I'm hurting or.. or if I feel lost.. I tend to hold it inside for way too long. To the point of almost self-destructing." Olivia layed her hands flat on her upper chest, unconciously trying to convey her feelings not only in her words, but her actions too. She talked with her hands a lot, it always caught Elliot's attention.
"When I do that, though.. hold it in like that.. at one point or another it has to find some way to come out. Unfortunately, it usually comes out in the form of hostility or extreme... extreme defensiveness. And the fact is, it usually hurts the people I'm closest to first. The people I really care about."
Her face bled with desperation, his with compassion. Her lips puckered slightly, to stop herself from sobbing. All the muscles in her face tightened.
"I'm sorry for everything, El. I really am sorry." Her voice cracked and squeaked slightly after she spoke her last syllable. Elliot observed the tears slowly welling in her eyes.
He rubbed her back and nodded supportively. He smiled at her, not really sure of what to say next.
"I know, Liv. I know. And I'll never understand what you're going through, but I'm always here for you... 'kay?" He lowered his head and looked up, trying to maintain eye contact to make her aware of his acceptance of her apology, and to take his offer of needed support.
"Mhmm.." She cracked a half smile as her face brightened up considerably. "Thanks, Elliot."
He patted her knee assuringly before leaning back to acheive light distance between them.
"And look, I shouldn't have pressured you into telling me what was wrong anyway."
A small laugh was released from between her teeth and tilted her head toward him.
"Pressure me? El, we're cops.. we're trained to pressure people. If you didn't keep pushing me to talk, I would've definitely thought you had finally lost it."
Elliot and Olivia shared a chuckle before simultaneously taking a sip of their beverages and shifting on the couch, preparing for the small talk they had missed recently. It was strange for both of them not being able to chat whenever they wanted, and when they were in an argument, they never did realize how much they appreciated it when it wasn't available.
- - -
Before they knew it, it was after midnight. The so called 'small talk' slowly turned into a long conversation, ranging from his spat with Kathy and the relationship with his children, the pending case at work begging to be solved, or one of Munch's ridiculous yet strangely entertaining conspiracy theories.
"Whoa!" Olivia first looked up at the clock on the wall, and then down to her watch.
"Sorry, El, I should go.. it's after midnight. I haven't slept much lately so.. " She started to stand up before Elliot spoke.
"Liv..."
"Hmm?" she spun around to meet his eyes.
The lingering tension in the room pulled at their hearts. Olivia couldn't breathe. She wondered if he felt the same way, while Elliot was just focusing on getting the words out at the moment.
"Stay."
Olivia's mouth dropped open to reply, but nothing came out.
"It's late, you shouldn't be driving home this late at night with just a few hours of sleep under your belt. I can drive you to work in the morning..."
There was no way Olivia could refuse. He was simply looking out for her like he always was. There weren't many people like that left in the world, let alone a grown man. She felt that too many folks did good deeds just curious of their own benefit, but Elliot was not like that at all.
She nodded, finally being able to let out her breath. "Okay."
Elliot gleamed. The protector in him grew to full force whenever he was around Olivia, and watching over her at night is something he always wanted to do. He couldn't let her leave, knowing the rest of her night would be filled with hauntings and lack of sleep in that bitter cold apartment of hers.
"Um.." Elliot gestured toward the only bedroom. "Maureen always leaves a pair of pajamas and a shirt to sleep in when she visits. Maybe I'll.. "
"Sure." Olivia stated plainly with a dry smirk. She could tell Elliot was nervous, almost like a school boy asking a girl out for a first date.. His stuttering and blushing around her she found rather cute. She sat on the arm of the couch and waited for him, her eyes shifting to the sliding glass windows, observing the lights reflecting off the quiet side street.
- -
Elliot sat on the double bed as she appeared barefoot from behind the door of the adjoining bathroom, donning light blue flannel pajamas and a fitted mauve tank top with lace outlining the neckline. She took her hair out of the ponytail and tousled it lightly.
"Well, how do I look?" She spread her arms out to the side, palms up, waiting for a sign of approval.
"You look perfect." Obviously he hadn't thought before he spoke. She shot him an extremely confused glance before he clued in to what he had said.
"Uh.. fine. You look fine." She nodded slowly, mouth open slightly. Knowing the sincerity of what he said to begin with.
"Elliot, if you don't mind I'm just gonna crash on the couch now, I'm.. tired."
Olivia grabbed the heavy blanket folded on the end of the bed before Elliot took it away from her, placing it right where she had picked it up from. She stared at him, rather puzzled.
"What are you, crazy? I'm taking the couch, you're stuck with the bed." He dazzled a shining smile in her direction. The gentlemanly act of giving up his bed made he tear up.
"This thing's comfortable, too. Only bought it a couple weeks ago." He showed her by pressing down firmly on the mattress before looking back at her glimmering expression. He moved toward the door, giving her privacy to crawl into bed.
"Should be interesting, haven't slept in my own bed in months."
The way she spoke of her agony in such a nonchalont way made him shift uncomfortably.
Olivia positioned herself on the bed and eventually appeared to be in her own little trance out. He sensed there was something else she needed to say. Maybe not even for him, maybe to benefit herself. He traced back his steps and placed himself on the right side her.
"Liv, are you going to be okay?" the sympathy dripped from his words.
The moments of silence seemed like hours, but he could've stayed there forever, just watching her. Watching her vulnerability.
Olivia shook her head and shrugged lazily. "I don't know anymore."
She scoffed sharply at her own words. "I haven't known for a while. It's been over a year, and it's still constantly haunting me. I'm afraid that.. that it's sucking out anything left in me that's any good. It's affecting my job, the only thing I'm really good at. Attempting to get intimate is a joke. I'm hurting everyone, even.. even my best friend. It's like I don't know who I am anymore, and now I'm not sure I ever will."
A gentle tear rolled down her chiseled face, before resting on her cheek. Olivia pressed her lips together, oppressing a sob once again. She just stared forward. Elliot's thoughts raced through his mind, trying to think of something, anything, to ease her mind. To make her even somewhat happy again.
Olivia spoke just above a whisper. "I'm losing everything."
Elliot took one of her hands in his, and brushed away the single tear that lingered on her flawless cheek.
"I can promise you, you'll never lose me."
The genuine sincerity in his voice tugged at her heart. He meant it. She looked up at him, desperation evident on her face. Her bottom lip trembled before she finally released a persisting sob. Once she started, it seemed impossible for her to stop. They wracked her body until every limb and muscle shook with sadness.
It was only a few seconds before she felt herself being pulled into Elliot's embrace. The instant Olivia felt Elliot pulled her into him, she let he knees rise until he was cradling her softly in his lap, her tear-stained face fitting perfectly into the curve of his neck, like it belonged there. Olivia sturdied herself with the bottoms of her feet on Elliot's knee, not that she needed to. He held her tightly, and rocked her back and forth, hushing her similar to a parent would a small child after waking up from a horrific nightmare. He held the back of her head, occasionally stroking her hair. She buried her head closer to his face, until they were almost cheek-to-cheek. Sobs seem to decimate every fibre of her being, and it broke Elliot's heart. Her weeping was barely audible, resembling small short breaths being let out one after the other. They seemed to never stop. A few tears escaped Elliot's eyes, and he tried his best to hide them from her. He traced gentle lines up and down her back to trying to soothe any amount of pain he could. No words were spoken, and neither of them would have had it any other way. Sometimes no words say everything.
The tragic, tearful mourning for any innocence Olivia had left slowly faded. Her rapid breathing subsided, her body no longer being violently shook by her own sobs. Elliot repositioned his shoulder so her head softly fell back. She was asleep, her eyes heavy and damp from all of the tears of pain she had just released. He smiled at the state of bliss she seemed to be in, despite all she had been through. Elliot closed his eyes and didn't hesitate a moment as he kissed her forehead as tenderly as he could. He sat back once more and gazed at his alluring, breathtaking partner for another few minutes. He then turned slightly, careful not to waken her, and slowly slid her underneath the soft, feathery sheets until her head was resting on the pillow. He pulled up the comforter around her shoulders, moved her bangs away from her eyes, and stroked her cheek delicately with his thumb.
Elliot slowly stood, never taking his eyes off Olivia. He moved towards the open bedroom door and grasped the brass doorknob. He sighed deeply at the last life changing couple hours in both their lives. He spoke as if she were awake: "It'll be okay. Goodnight, Liv." as he closed the door without a sound.
- - -
'Oh hell,' she says, 'I just can't win for losing.'
And she lays back down.
'Man, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing.
Like I don't know now.'
By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes
Says, 'It's funny how the night can make you blind.'
I can just imagine.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
But if she feels bad, than I do too.
So I let her be.
And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
'Cause I can't help her now.
She's down in it.
She tried her best, and now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground.
Her diamonds falling down.
She sits down and stares into the distance.
And it takes all night.
And I know I could break her concentration.
Oh, but it don't feel right.
By the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes,
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry.
And there's something less about her.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
So I sit down, and I cry too.
But don't let her see.
And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
'Cause I can't help her now.
She's down in it.
She tried her best, and now she can't win.
It's hard to see them on the ground.
Her diamonds falling down.
She shuts out the night, tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight, then she'll be all right.
She'll be all right.
Just not tonight.
And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
'Cause I can't help her now.
She's down in it.
She tried her best, and now she can't win.
It's hard to see them on the ground.
Her diamonds falling down.
Oh, her diamonds falling down.