Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: This chapter contains some random twists that I added that are not from the movie.

Chapter IV

CUT TO:

THE RAVINE FLOOR

Aurora and Phillip lie a few feet apart, not moving. After a while, Phillip slowly forces his body into motion. Aurora, bruised and torn, crawls slowly toward him.

Aurora: Phillip, it's you! You came back!

Phillip: I told you, "I would always come for you." Why didn't you wait for me?

Aurora: Well ... you were dead.

Phillip: Death cannot stop true love…... All it can do is delay it for a while.

Aurora: I will never doubt again.

Phillip: There will never be a need.

Disney Characters (the good ones) In the Background: Awwwww…

Isla the Director: (Sighs) Love.

Aurora and Phillip begin to kiss; it's a tender kiss. Tender and loving, and gentle and --

Pinocchio: (off-screen) Oh no. No, please! Make it stop!

CUT TO:

PINNY'S BEDROOM

Geppetto: What is it? What's the matter?

Pinocchio: They're kissing again! Do I really have to hear the kissing part?

Geppetto: You don't like kissing?

Pinocchio: I don't mean it like that. It's just that… it's a little too icky.

Geppetto: Someday, you may not mind kissing so much.

Pinocchio: There won't be a someday!

Isla the Director: Hey, Pinocchio; bet you ten bucks you wouldn't mind kissing at the end of this movie.

Pinocchio: You're on. Where am I?

Isla the Director: You were going to ask Geppetto to skip on to the Tulgey Wood because it sounded good.

Pinocchio: (to Geppetto) Skip on to the Tulgey Wood, that sounded good.

Geppetto: You're sick, I'll humor you.

Pinocchio: (pouts like a little boy) I'm not sick!

Geppetto: (picks up the book again) So now, where were we here? Ah, okay. Phillip and Aurora raced along the ravine floor.

CUT TO:

Phillip and Aurora racing along the ravine floor. Phillip glances up.

Phillip: Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late!

Kuzco: I'm not a pig! How dare you!

Hook: Of course he's not a pig.

Kuzco: Thank you.

Hook: He's a llama.

Kuzco: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot.

Phillip: (to Aurora) A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Tulgey Wood.

Aurora: We'll never survive in there.

Phillip: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

CUT TO:

THE TULGEY WOOD

If you have seen Disney's Alice in Wonderland, you know what Tulgey Wood looks like. But try to imagine the Tulgey Wood being moist, dark, and spooky. Great trees block the sun. Aurora is panicked and Phillip is too, but he moves along, sword in hand.

Phillip: Well... It's not that bad.

Aurora: Excuse me?

Phillip: I'm not saying I'd like to build a honeymoon cottage here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.

Cheshire Cat: (off-screen) They are. (Sings ominously) 'Twas brillig and the slithy toves…

Aurora: (whispers to him) Does he have to sing that song?

A slight popping sound was heard. A spurt of flame leaps up from a mushroom standing next to Phillip and Aurora. The spurt of flame misses Phillip, but Aurora's lower part of her dress is suddenly on fire.

Aurora: Aaaaah! My dress!

Hades: (laughing wildly off-screen) Yeah! Burn, baby! Burn!

Phillip instantly motions Aurora to sit, gathering her flaming hem in his hands, doing his best to suffocate the fire. He finally puts it out.

Hades: Ohh, good-bye, flames.

Phillip: Well now, that was an adventure. Were you singed?

Aurora: No. You?

Phillip: Yes.

As he pulls her to her feet, there is another popping sound. Phillip quickly grabs Aurora and pulls her aside to safety as another great spun of flame suddenly shoots up from another mushroom.

Phillip: Fire mushrooms, how original… Well, one thing I will say. The Tulgey Wood certainly does keep you on your toes.

He takes Aurora's hand, gently takes her forward, moving slowly along through a particularly dangerous part of the Tulgey Wood.

Phillip: This will all soon be but a happy memory because Jack Sparrow's ship the" Black Pearl" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Jack Sparrow.

Isla the Director: Funny, you don't look like Johnny Depp at all. (dreamily) Ohhh, Johnny…

Aurora: (ignores Isla's remark) But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

Phillip: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.

There is a popping sound again, then a spurt of flame. Phillip simply picks up Aurora as they walk along, moves her out of danger, puts her back down, goes right on talking.

Phillip: You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Jack Sparrow, as did my descriptions of your beauty.

CUT TO:

SOME HIDEOUS VINES

They look so dead-looking even Tarzan wouldn't swing on them. Phillip takes his sword, slices a path for them to follow. He's been chatting away the entire time.

Phillip: … Finally, Jack Sparrow decided something. He said, "All right, Phillip, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Phillip. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Sparrow and I eventually became friends… And then it happened.

Aurora: What is it? Go on.

Phillip: Well, Jack Sparrow had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret…… "I am not the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow," he said.

Aurora: You're kidding me!

Phillip: I'm not. "My name is Bootstrap Bill," he says. "I inherited the Black Pearl from the previous Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, either. His name was Barbossa. The real Jack Sparrow has retired nearly fifteen years and he's been looking for some item called the Dead Man's Chest for some fellow named Davy Jones." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Phillip.

Jack Sparrow: (off-screen) He's right abou' that. "Dread Pirate Phillip" doesn't soun' too scary. It doesn't soun' too catchy either.

Isla the Director: Aah! Where did you come from! I thought you we're looking for the Dead Man's Chest!

Jack Sparrow: I'm taking ah break, Miss Isla, savvy? (he pronounces "Isla" as "Ees-la") Anyway, do you have any rum here?

Isla the Director: It's Isla! (she pronounces it as "Ay-la") Back to the movie, people! 1

Phillip: So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and Bootstrap Bill stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Jack Sparrow. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Jack Sparrow ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

Aurora is about to reply but the puddle of water she steps on gives way. It's the Pool of Tears. She sinks into the pool, crying Phillip's name, then she is gone.

Phillip quickly slashes at a U-shaped vine, hacks it in half. It's still connected to a tree. Then be grabs it, drops his sword, and, clutching the other end of the vine, he dives into the Pool of Tears. Now nothing can be seen. Just the pool.

An odd scratching sound is heard now. And then a live Broomstick from Fantasia (A/N: If you have seen Fantasia, then you know about the famous broomsticks I'm talking about.) walks into view. It is two times larger than an ordinary broom. It sweeps around a bit then goes.

All Disney Characters: (off-screen) A broomstick! (All stare at Isla)

Isla the Director: What?

Phillip explodes out from the Pool of Tears; he has Aurora across his shoulders and as he pulls to the edge of the pool, using the vine to climb out.

They were both drenched from the tear water. As Phillip continues to pull them to safety the Broomstick watches high above them.

Phillip was trying to calm a frightened Aurora when glances around and saw the Broomstick staring down at them. He stares.

Phillip: You got to be kidding me.

Aurora: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here! Why is my character so pessimistic?

Phillip. No, Aurora. We have already succeeded. (he glances back again) Uh-oh.

Now there are two Broomsticks. They have climbed into a nearby tree, and they are staring hungrily down. And it was quite a disturbing sight. Warning: If your broomstick starts to stare hungrily at you, be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Phillip picks Aurora up. He puts an arm around her, starts to walk with her as he encouragingly goes on talking.

Phillip: I mean, what are the three terrors of the Tulgey Wood? One, the Fire Mushrooms. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Pool of Tears. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

Aurora: But, Phillip, what about the B.O.U.S.s?

Isla the Director: (starts to giggle)

Phillip: Broomsticks of Unusual Size?

Isla the Director: (now laughing hilariously)

Sebastian: (off-screen) What are you giggling and laughing about, you crazy girl!

Isla the Director: Well… (whispers to him)

Sebastian: Ugh! I thought this PG-rated! Naughty!

Phillip: (repeats his line) Broomsticks of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...

And as he says that, a B.0.U.S. (aw, heck with it, we'll just call "Broomstick") comes flying at him. Aurora screams.

Phillip, pinned under the attacking broomstick, is trying to fend it off. The thing's sharp fingers sink deep into his arm (Fantasia's broomsticks have arms and hands, in case you don't know or you have forgotten). He howls in pain.

Phillip: I do not howl like a dog!

Isla the Director: In this movie, you howl like a dog!

Aurora: Why am I standing around acting like a Damsel in Distress? Shouldn't I try to help him?

Phillip: I could sure use some help here!

Isla the Director: Sorry, Aurora, you can't.

Phillip drives a fist into the B.O.U.S., rolling it off. He reaches for his sword just a few feet away, but the B.O.U.S is back atop him. It's a fierce battle, yet it is hilarious sight to see. A guy fighting a broomstick is a sight you sure wouldn't want to miss. Phillip flips the thing off.

Phillip scrambles for his sword. The broomstick stampedes on, changing its target, heading right for Aurora.

Aurora: Phillip!

Phillip: (turns his head) Huh? Whoa!

He abandons his sword, grabs the B.O.U.S., and wrestles with it. Aurora grabs a branch and whacks the broomstick. But the thing manages to snag her hem with its razor fingers, and she's pulled to the ground. Phillip jumps onto its back, and the B.O.U.S. is all over him now, sinking needle fingers into his shoulder.

Phillip: (screaming in pain) NOT AGAIN!

The he hears a popping sound. In one desperate move, he rolls into the sound from a Fire Mushroom. A flame shoot skyward and the B.O.U.S. bursts into flame. It lets go and runs a round wildly, trying to put itself out. Phillip grabs his sword and cuts the broomstick in half and it collapses to death. Phillip stands motionless, exhausted. The danger has passed. Aurora is relieved.

Phillip: I… will never… look at an ordinary broomstick… the same way… again.

DISSOLVE TO:

THE FAR EDGE OF THE TULGEY WOOD

Aurora: We did it.

Phillip: Now, was that so terrible?

Aurora: I'll admit now it was far worse than I expected.

Suddenly, they appeared. Kuzco on Kahn. Hook beside him. Three soldiers (Yao, Ling, Chein Po), armed and ready, are mounted in formation behind.

Kuzco: All right! Surrender!

Phillip: You mean you wish to surrender to me? I accept.

Kuzco: Oh, it's me who's outwitted, huh? I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.

Phillip: But how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Tulgey Wood. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.

Kuzco: I'm in no mood for jokes. I'll tell you once again -- surrender!

Phillip: Over my dead body.

Kuzco: That could be arranged.

Aurora was looking from one to the other; then something else catches her eye. An armed Hun (from Mulan) with a loaded crossbow aimed at Phillip's heart. She looked the other way and saw another armed Hun crossbow aimed at Philip.

Kuzco: Okay, buddy, for the last time -- SURRENDER!

Phillip: DEATH FIRST!

Aurora: Will you promise not to hurt him!

Kuzco and Phillip in unison: What was that?

Aurora: (to Kuzco) If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?

Kuzco: Sure. Okay.

Aurora: He is a sailor on the pirate ship the "Black Pearl". Promise to return him to his ship.

Kuzco: Yeah, yeah, fine. (to Hook) Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Doom.

Hook: (smirks) It shall be done.

Aurora: (staring deeply in Phillip's eyes) I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.

Phillip: Aurora...

Kuzco: Let's go, Aurora baby! My kingdom waits for us!

Aurora tries to speak again but is swooped off her feet onto Kahn, and off they go. Phillip watches after her.

Hook: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.

The soldiers bring Phillip to him.

Phillip: Listen here, we are men of action. Lies do not become us.

Hook: Well spoken, young lad. What are you looking at?

Phillip is looking at a hook where Captain Hook's left hand should be. He smiles at him.

Phillip: You have a hook on your left hand. Someone was looking for you --

Captain Hook clubs Phillip hard across the skull. Phillip starts to fall and everything goes black. We hear Hook's menacing laughter in the darkness.

Isla the Director: Quiet, Hook…

Hook: Be quiet, woman! I'm having a moment here!

----------------------------

Phillip: This chapter is really random, don't you think so?

Aladdin: Well, don't look at me! I didn't write the script!

Hercules: I wonder who'll be playing Miracle Max?

Isla: You have to wait and find out! In the meant time...

Review, no flames, and you'll get free cookies!

Mushu, Hades, and Kuzco: I love cookies!