iThink I'm Dreaming
Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly
Chapter 4: Hate
Sam's POV:
Silence ate away at my ears. I never knew nothingness could be this aggravating. The fog around me was so thick it felt like paste. I saw nothing but grey forever in every direction.
Then he was there.
I recognized his form immediately, and just as quickly I felt helpless. I was completely at his mercy. I sensed myself being drawn to him; like invisible strings were attacked to my insides and they ran all the way to his hands. But he didn't pull them. I was slightly disappointed. I placed a hand under my ribs, trying to warm the aching that was developing there. I looked up at him once again.
He smiled.
The former aching blasted through me so fast I gasped is surprise. I suddenly felt like I was glowing. I felt like I could do anything. He raised an eyebrow as an invitation. I took it, stepping forward as he did the same. We made our way through the dense fog easily; we were empowered by each other.
He raised both his hands slightly, palms facing outward. I did the same. As we made those last few steps to meet in the middle I couldn't help the explosive smile that struck my face.
But when we were supposed to connect, he walked right through. My ghostly body flecked off slightly as he blew past me. I whirled around in dismay, questions bubbling with doubt and hopelessness.
I saw him and Carly together, their hands interlocked in the way ours were supposed to be. They looked only at each other, forming a complete unit.
I felt beads of darkness building up inside me. Anger, jealously, pain, loss, all things I hated to feel. I hated weakness. I hated. That's all I ever did. I hated. I never loved. All the blackened beads crawled up my throat and out my mouth like ants. The creatures of evil originating from my very core trailed their way to him. They circled him, performing all the hateful things I had wanted to do a second ago. He opened his mouth to yell but couldn't. He fell. He was pulled under as they built in strength and numbers. They were a black ocean, their waves crashing over him.
I screamed for them to stop. I ran to save him. I jumped into the ruthless abyss.
"NO!" I sprang up, my head hitting hard against something. "Ow!" I hollered, rubbing my scalp. It was that stupid eye-monitor thingy. Anger over took me as I pushed the contraption away. As a direct result, it tipped over, crashing to the floor.
"Sam!" Freddie's voice made me snap my head up so fast I hurt my neck. I rubbed the spot were I pinched the nerve, frustrated.
I wasn't in a good mood. I grimaced at all the destruction and pain I had caused in a few seconds. Why did I always do stuff like this? Did I ever think? Ugh. Who even cares.
"Look, dork, sorry I broke your nerdy monitor." I attempted and failed at an apology. He made a face but decided to let it go.
"Okay." He sighed, taking out his notebook, "What was your dream about this time?" he asked.
I thought back. It was all kind of fuzzy now, but I remembered enough. I remembered he was there. I remembered she was there. I remember the look in his eyes, and I remember how I felt when I realized it wasn't directed at me. But I couldn't tell him any of that.
"I dreamed that I was falling into a black abyss." I told him. It was the truth, just not the whole truth.
His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and maybe a touch of worry, he wrote stuff down, "And how did you feel when it happened?" he asked.
Helpless. Small. Scared. "Just dandy." I gave my safe sarcastic reply.
He looked at my disappointedly, "Sam, be serious." He pleaded.
"I didn't feel good, okay?" I shot at him, my annoyance building. I didn't like this interrogation thing.
"Fine." He rolled his eyes. I wanted to rip those eye-lids off right then. "Do you think the abyss symbolizes anything?" he asked.
My eyes widened, "Are we getting psychological now?" I asked condescendingly.
"Just answer the question." He demanded. I was about to get really upset, but I saw the smallest smirk in the corner of his mouth. He was enjoying this. The edges of my mouth pulled up on impulse.
"Hate." I shrugged. He looked at me questioningly for a second. Then I could almost see the light-bulb as he snapped into the realization that I had just answered him truthfully and whole-heartedly.
"Why do you think you're dreaming about this?" he asked robotically reading from his notebook. The stiffness of this environment was turning me off.
"Look Fredwardo, can we get out of this stupid class room? Take a walk or something? I promise I'll answer your little survey." I bargained.
He considered that, "Okay I guess." he looked interested.
We walked out of the class room. I lead him to the first place I could think of: the snack machine.
The halls were pretty much empty since school has been done for a while and all the people in their different dippy clubs were already there. There were the stragglers who didn't have anywhere to go but just hung out at the front door for no reason at all, but I ignored them.
I scanned the snack machine hungrily. I made my five decisions then flipped my hand out towards the tech-boy next to me, palm up.
He looked down at it then up at me, "What?" he asked.
"Cash, moola, green!" I demanded rubbing my fingers together, "Gimme some money." I held out my hand again.
He grumbled before reaching into his back pocket to fetch his wallet. I followed his hand with my eyes as it slid along the back of his jeans. I swallowed as he pulled out the money and held it out to me. I snapped back into reality and grabbed it from him and stuck it into the machine.
He had only given me enough money for three choices, but I let it slide. Mostly because he would have to dig back there again to get it and I can't control my eyes. Yeah, I'm both disgusted and disturbed with myself, but I've had lingering glances lately and I've gotten used to them. But I try not to provoke them. I internally kicked myself as the last bag fell from its hook.
I munched savagely at the package of beef jerky I had gotten. He smirked at me like he sometimes does. I couldn't help but feel good about myself at that moment. Usually people give me nasty looks when I eat, but he never does. He just smiles like it's our own little inside joke.
He broke off our eye contact awkwardly and cleared his throat, "You said you would answer my questions" he reminded.
I nodded lazily, chewing.
"Okay, well, have you had this dream before?" he asked, jumping back into things.
I thought about that. Well, in a sense I guess. The past month I've been having dreams about him, and in almost every single one he ends up moving away from me. In the ones that he doesn't it's usually because I didn't finish them, I figure.
"Yeah, kind of" I told him. I never thought about it so closely… but I really do dream about Freddie way too much.
"What do you mean, kind of?" he asked. I bit my bottom lip. I didn't want to get into details with this, especially since I was hiding stuff from him.
"I just mean I've had variations of the same dream, okay?" I pushed kind of harshly. He got the hint and stopped with that line of questioning.
"Did you feel like you had a good sleep?" he asked.
"I woke up screaming" I reminded him, chuckling a bit, "what do you think?"
He smiled at my smile, "I'll just write 'no'." he said. Then he looked seriously at me, "Do you usually have a bad night's sleep because of your dreams?" he asked.
I had a flash back of my mother yelling at me for waking her up again. I usually end up flailing and bellowing different cries before waking up. "More and more lately" I told him. I surprised myself at how direct I was being. I was just so comfortable with him. Maybe too comfortable. He could get anything out of me if he really wanted to. Good thing he didn't know that and usually gave up pretty quickly.
I looked down at my shoes, slightly ashamed. Now that I thought about it I really didn't want Freddie of all people to know so much about me. I didn't grasp how much dreams told someone until now.
He was about to ask another question but I placed my hand over his mouth to stop him. His eyes widened in shock, but for some reason he didn't remove it, he just watched me.
I looked at him apologetically, "Can we be done for now?" I asked.
I felt him smile sparingly under my hand. He nodded. I took back my arm.
We walked back together. The whole time I was scaring myself more and more. I had told him an awful lot while trying to hold back. This science study thing was trouble.
HEY! Yeah… I haven't updated this FOREVER! SORRY! Thanks to those of you who are still reading it! You guys are SO DRY ICE and I really appreciate it.
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