When Okita first woke he was surprised to see that he was in his room, tucked in his bed. He was in a way-too-large-for-him blue sweater and his mouth tasted like the disgusting medicine that doctors give you for colds. He just wanted to sleep, but was soon interrupted by the voice of a gorilla.

"Oi, Sougo, are you awake?" Kondo asked.

"No. I'm riding a rainbow pony across a field of root beer berries while listening to Al Gore complain about global warming," Okita answered.

"Oh, so you are awake!" stated Captain Obvious, smiling like he had just said something smart and complicated.

Okita pulled off his blindfold, "What do you want?"

"Well, I found you unconscious outside of your room, and I was just curious to know what happened, "Kondo responded.

"Hijikata-san raped me," Okita replied bluntly.

"What?!" Kondo exclaimed, "He did?!"

Okita was surprised that Kondo seemed to believe him, so decided to go along with it. He let his eyes tear up and got into an innocent pose before sobbing, "Y-Yes he d-did. I w-was sleeping a-and he forced h-himself on me. I-I tried to t-tell him to s-stop, but he w-wouldn't listen to m-me. H-He was just so strong t-that I couldn't f-force him t-to stop. I-I guess it's m-my fault because I didn't t-try to stop his t-the first time."

"There were other times?!"

Okita forced himself to get more hysterical, "I-I'm sorry! H-He threaten m-me I was t-too scared t-to tell a-anybody." Okita latched onto Kondo. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Kondo stroked Okita's hair, and also started to cry like the big oaf he was, "You poor child! I had no idea that Toshi was so violent, You must have been put through so much pain, when was the first time?"

Okita was amazed at how stupid Kondo actually was, but he just continued to play along, "W-When I w-was e-eight."

"That sick bastard!" Kondo exclaimed, grabbing Okita's hand and pulling him towards the door.

"K-Kondo what a-are you doing?" Okita asked, wondering Kondo was pulling him violently towards the door.

"We're taking you to the doctor to make sure you didn't get any strange diseases!" Kondo exclaimed.

"EH?!" Okita exclaimed, but then regaining his composure, "B-But Kondo-san d-don't you t-think we would h-have noticed if I-I had any S-STDs?"

"Sometimes it takes awhile before you can tell."

"B-But-,"

"No Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, "Don't try and protect Toshi! He did something terrible to you."

This was getting way out of hand. Okita knew that Kondo would have his ass when he realized that it was a lie.

"Oi, Kondo-san I-," Okita started.

But just at that moment Kondo ran into a sleepy, panda-eyed Hijikata who had just woken up from his bomb-educed sleep to take a leak.

"Ah, hi Kondo, damn brat," Hijikata muttered trying to walk past Kondo to get to the bathroom but Kondo moved to block his path, "Oi, what are you doing?"

"Toshi you bastard! How could you do that to poor Sougo?!" Kondo yelled.

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean at least don't do it outside, don't you have any sense of romance?!"

"Oi, why are you ignoring me?"

"I mean he's just a kid how could you be so-,"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DAMN GORRILA?!" Hijikata yelled.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you rapist!"

"EH?!"

"I know now that you've been forcing sex on Sougo since he was eight! I'm aware that you get stressed, but that's no reason to-,"

"But I never-,"

"Don't make excuses, I know that you-,"

"Actually, Kondo-san," Okita piped up, "Hijikata-san never raped me. I said it as a joke. I thought you were smart enough to realize that, but I guess not."

"So you mean that…"

"Yes, I'm a liar."

"But you were…outside…and bleeding...and…"

"Kondo-san, I hit my head on the patio."

It took a little while for the information to sink in, before Kondo got roaring mad, "YOU LITTLE BASTARD I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED LIKE THAT-,"

"But Hijikata is the one who smashed my head on the patio, saying that he wanted my precious," Okita explained, "I don't know what he could have done to me after I was unconscious."

Kondo's glare turned to Hijikata.

"Ummmmm…" Hijikata said, "That's only because Sougo left me alone to develop into my Smegal state!"

Kondo's glare turned back to Okita.

"And that's because Hijikata tried to sleep with me."

This continued for a while until Kondo finally got tired of glaring, "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED THIS, BUT YOU'RE BOTH BANNED TO YOUR ROOMS!"

"But my room exploded," Hijikata responded.

"THEN YOU'RE BOTH BANNED TO SOUGO'S ROOM!"

"But I don't want him-," Okita started.

"NO BUTTS!" Kondo exclaimed.

"But if I don't have a butt, then how can I sit?"

Kondo had enough of Hijikata and Okita's smartassing so he dragged them both by their hair and threw them into Okita's room.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"This is all your fault, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed.

Okita just gave him a blank stare.

"Don't ignore me!"

Okita just continued to blankly stare.

"Oi! Earth to Okita!"

"Hijikata-san, stop talking. You're annoying." Okita replied.

"I'm annoying?!"

"Yes, I believe that's what I said."

" You're the annoying one!" Hijikata exclaimed, "How could you tell Kondo I raped you?! Do you even know what rape is?!"

"Of course."

"Oh really?!"

Okita looked kind of hurt, "Hijikata-san, my father used to rape me when I was young."

Hijikata looked surprised, "R-Really?"

"No."

"You bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, pushing a very stunned Okita onto his bed, and kneeling over top of him, "I'll show you what rape is!"

Okita stared at him, "Hijikata-san, you're fly is down."

Hijikata looked down at his crotch, "Eh?! Wait, no its not!"

At this time Okita quickly maneuvered his body so that Hijikata was on bottom and he was on top.

"You think that you can show me what rape is?" Okita smiled, "You're 1000 years too early!"

"W-What are you-," Hijikata said.

Okita leaned down and licked Hijikata's neck, while his right hand started to undo his pants and his with his left hand he played with Hijikata's hair.

"S-Sougo!" Hijikata blushed.

"Just kidding," Okita responded, lifting himself off of Hijikata, "And you were getting into it too. I felt you getting hard. Pervert."

Hijikata launched himself at Okita, "You're dead you asshole!"

"Eh? You wanna put what in my asshole?" Okita asked, "Hijikata-san that's really inappropriate."

"That's it!" Hijikata exclaimed walking away form Okita, "I'm moving to the left side of the room!"

"Hijikata-san, that's the right side of the room."

"I don't give a damn!"

"Hijikata-san?"

"What?!"

"Do you hate me?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Do you hate my body?"

"Uhhhhhh… Yes!"

"You hesitated!" Okita exclaimed, "You really are a pervert! A gay pervert!"

"You're getting on my nerves!" Hijikata blushed.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"N-No!"

"If I were to dress up in a sexy nurse uniform, would it turn you on?"

"O-Of course not!"

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "Your nose is bleeding. Why is your nose bleeding? Stop imagining dirty things."

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Leave me alone!"

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita said as he crawled seductively over to Hijikata and breathing on his neck, "Do you like this?"

Hijikata cautiously turned his head to look at Okita. Okita was sitting seductively with his lips almost puckered and the left side of his giant sweater had started to slide down his arm.

At this point Hijikata got the biggest nosebleed in the history of nosebleeds that caused him to lose a lot of blood and get very pale.

"Oi, Hijikata," Okita said, pulling his sweater back up, "I was just teasing, stop being such a damn pervert."

But all of Okita's seductive teasing had been too much on Hijikata's heart, causing him to pass out, and drop a bottle of mayonnaise, on top of poor Okita who, one again, hit his head on the hard wooden floor.

"Oi, get off Hijikata," Okita mumbled, "You're…so…heavy." He stared at the clock. "Maybe five more minutes…"

Kondo wandered into Okita's room, "I hope you guys have learned-,"

Kondo looked around the room. The bed was unmade, the floor was covered in blood and white stuff, and Hijikata was on top of Okita. Kondo calmly walked out the doorway, closed the door, and ran away screaming.

Author: So today in math my friend said I was like Okita. I wondered why as I aimed my rubber band gun at my math teacher, then passing the weapon over to the creepy Goth kid who smells like smoke. Things can be ironic, huh?