After hearing his new therapist wax poetic about the importance of participation, Eddward finally decides to go out for the swim team.
It'll look good on his transcript (which will keep his parents off his back), it requires the absolute minimum amount of peer interaction and all it takes is swimming from one side of the pool to the other as fast as possible which is a simple matter of applied physics.
(And most importantly, when he practices alone at night in the pool, there's not a soul there who can hear his screams bubbling just under the water's surface.)
Between his dead eyes and vicious swimming, it's not long before the team has likened him to a shark, proudly turning it into a nickname which they embroider onto a letterman for him when he wins them the semi-regionals.
He nods his head and wears it in the hopes that it'll make the students (and teachers) stop staring and whispering so much.
Marie laughs when she sees it.
Still, she goes to all his meets and cheers obnoxiously loud (reliving her childhood enthusiasm in those few moments despite having lair it's innocence long ago) when his name is called, holding up signs with inappropriately graphic chants pertaining to his corny nickname scribbled on them (and subsequently hiding them from staff members as long as possible till they're finally confiscated and she's given another warning or detention).
Eddward likes to pretend like he doesn't know her when she does this, choosing to ignore her ridiculous displays of 'team spirit' which she usually responds to with even greater embarrassing acts- such as sneaking into the locker room to steal his clothes or snapping the elastic of his speedo as he discusses strategy with his teammates.
He's come to accept her wildly inappropriate playful side as the discomfort it elicits from the general public (who are frequently the unassuming victims of her manic antics) is well worth any potential inconvenience it may cause him.
He's come to realise the benefits of her easy friendship far outweigh the cons of her quirks (which are no doubt a result of her broken upbringing)
(Plus, even as emotionally stunted as he is, he can't deny the weird feeling that arises at the sight of a familiar face cheering for him at every single one of his events.)
"Do you think Dobrenski stuffs his speedo?"
Eddward can't help but roll his eyes, ignoring her question in favour of stealing her lit cigarette and inhaling with everything he's got (he used to relish the burning feeling it left in his throat. Now, like everything else, it feels like nothing. Still, though, he's found himself quite taken by the acrid smell of the smoke and the way it clings to his clothes).
He exhales and basks in the smoky, musky silence, watching a strange expression cross Marie's face.
Marie teeters with a thought for a second before gathering up the courage to ask "Do you ever think of him?"
The gaze Eddward fixes on her would send anyone else scurrying away but after months of his less than warm and fuzzy behaviour and a lifetime of an emotionally abusive home life, she simply stares.
Now Eddward knows that deep down Marie still loves him and that he could probably manipulate her into avoiding that question but some strange sort of fondness has grown since he's come back and he finds himself willing (something no one at his old school managed to get from him in four years) to consider his inquiry.
He shrugs. "Sometimes." He says quietly.
(Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been so optimistic- if I'd kept it to myself.
Sometimes I think about what my life would be like had we never met.
Sometimes I dream about what my life would be like if he'd felt the same.)
Marie nods "I won't bring it up again." Still, that strange expression lingers on her face.
They both watch the smoke curl tendrils into the autumn air.
"Any day would be great, ya'know. Ass hat."
Kevin looks up at that, yanking his headphones it just in time to hear Marie get shushed by the librarian. Marie just raises an eyebrow and pointedly sits in front of Kevin with her back to the scolding librarian.
"What happen to that Bob the builder attitude you had weeks ago?"
Kevin swallowed nervously, unsure how to tell Marie about all the nightmares he's been having lately- stumbling into Eddward's house just to find him dead, wrists slashed, and floating in a bathtub filled full with bloody water.
He doesn't want his next move to result in another scar on Edd's arms or another attempt to end it all.
The four-year old ball of lead in his stomach has become a crushing weight encompassing his entire body and he's at a total loss on how to keep his head up when the gravity of his actions pull him closer and closer to the ground and his rightful place in the hell waiting beneath it.
"What happens if it goes wrong, Marie?"
He whispers, remembering the scattered shreds of burning paper and tobacco leaves and realising that that charred, broken cigarette might actually be less fragile than Eddward is right now.
Marie sighs.
"It might." She says after awhile, fiddling with the corner of his notebook.
"And it might not change anything."
Kevin gives a bitter laugh at the less than stellar pep talk.
"But do you want to be the kind of person who did what he did and then didn't even bother to ever make amends?"
She starts ripping the corner of his notebook into little pieces and he lets her, watching each piece get smaller and smaller.
"I don't think you're ever going to 'fix' him Kevin and I don't think you should try."
She began to stand.
"But Edd deserves closure and you owe him that."
Kevin groans, only to jump nearly out of his skin when the librarian loudly shushes him.
Marie gives a little smirk and a two finger salute as she left the library.
"But how?"
Kevin thinks.
How?
Kevin really doesn't want to ambush Eddward again.
But he does because he knows that Edd would never willingly face the nightmare of his youth and Kevin is starting to get desperate to make things right- so much so that he hadn't slept for days and the delirium is starting to noticeably set in- so he waits again at Edd's doorstep.
And while he sits there, part of him hopes Edd's parents will come home so that Kevin can see that Edd has some sort of home life. But that moment never comes and as night approaches, Kevin is broken out of his half-delirious state by the smell of smoke and the visible cherry butt of a cigarette glowing in the darkness.
"Why?"
Is all Eddward asks, ashing his cigarette too close to Kevin's skin for comfort but he does nothing but clear his too dry throat and watch as Edd sidesteps him to open his door.
"I'm gay."
Kevin says and watches as Edd completely freezes in the doorstep, every fibre of his body tensing completely.
"Can we talk?"
Eddward doesn't even breathe and yet in that silence Kevin knows that's he only chance he'll ever get.