Well, here it is guys - the fourth and final act! Hope you all have enjoyed this, and I promise I'll write more THR and The Thorn In My Side over winter break. I'll try to post the link for the recording of our performance on my page once the show goes up (December 10th and 11th). Until then, have a happy Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it) and a good rest of the semester!
-Codee21
ACT IV
IV.1
ALBUS
(Banging his head on the nearest wall)
Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst, angst, angst.
SCORPIUS
Albus, focus.
ALBUS
Where are we?
SCORPIUS
When are we?
ALBUS
Well, based on the smell of hairspray, angst, and desperation, I'd say we're in about…
(big sniff)
... 1981 or so.
SCORPIUS
Well that settles that at least! But still…
(sees something in the distance, pauses to look at it and point)
Wait, is that who I think it is?
ALBUS
He looks just like my dad, but my urge to whine at him is much less strong. And she…
SCORPIUS
Oh no, this is bad. We shouldn't be here. How is this possible?
ALBUS
This is the day my grandparents died, when my dad was supposed to die. Does that mean that Delphi is planning to finish the job?
SCORPIUS
I sure hope not, but I don't see what else could be going on. Hang on, wasn't there a Fidelius Charm around them? How is it that we can even see them? It should be impossible for us to know they're here.
ALBUS
And you wonder why I'm so angsty all the time? None of this makes sense. We'll take that up with J.K. Rowling later. But for now, let's just deal with the situation at hand.
SCORPIUS
Right. So we're here, in Godric's Hollow in 1981, with no wands, no way to get back to the present, and no way to stop Delphi?
ALBUS
It looks like it. As pleasurable as it would be to hide in a hole with you for forty years-or a closet-we need to find a way out of here. If only we could just contact our parents in the future somehow.
SCORPIUS
Hm… you're dad's already here as a baby, right? Can we leave some sort of message with him, like a letter or something?
ALBUS
Maybe, but that might get lost or stolen too early.
SCORPIUS
A tattoo?
ALBUS
No, what's wrong with you? I'm not tattooing my infant father.
SCORPIUS
Sorry, I just figured I'd put it out there… Wait, I've got it! What if we leave some sort of magical message on his blanket, so that forty years from now, when the right kind of potion is spilled on it, a message will appear that tells them to come rescue us!
ALBUS
That's probably the stupidest, most overcomplicated idea I've ever heard. My life is so hard…. Wait, we're so overthinking this. This time I've got it. They're just backstage over there, so we can just shout to them from here!
SCORPIUS
That's so stupid it just might work.
ALBUS
Well, I'll give it a shot.
(whiny voice)
Daaaaaaaad!
HARRY
Wait, what? Who's there?
ALBUS
Yes, it worked! Hello, dad? It's me, Albus. We're stuck in the 80s and we need your help.
HARRY
What!?
GINNY
Harry, who are you talking to?
HARRY
It's Albus.
GINNY
Ooh, let me talk too! Hello, Albus, can you hear me? It's your mother.
ALBUS
Hi mom.
GINNY
How was your day?
ALBUS
Fine, mom, but that's not what's important right now. I was just saying, Scorpius and I are stuck in the 80s and we need some help.
GINNY
What's that? Scorpius is there too? Just a second, let me go get Draco.
(Pause while she goes and gets DRACO, they can look bored/impatient or something.)
GINNY (cont'd)
Albus, are you still there? I got Draco.
DRACO
Hello?
SCORPIUS
Dad! It's me!
DRACO
Scorpius? Hi, how are you? How was your day?
SCORPIUS
Fine, dad, but that's not what's important right now. We sort of need some urgent help.
DRACO
I know all about it, I was listening in from backstage.
SCORPIUS
That's convenient.
DRACO
Well, it just so happens that I have a second one of those super-duper Time Turners that I forgot about until right now, so we'll be right over!
HARRY
So you're telling me that throughout this entire situation, you've just had this second plot device thing with you the whole time, and you just forgot?
DRACO
Yep.
GINNY
Well, that's convenient.
HARRY
And now that the audience needs to be able to fully understand you because you're introducing a key plot element, you're suddenly able to start talking without spitting all over us?
DRACO
Yep.
GINNY
Well, that's convenient too. We can talk about this later. We'll be right over, just let me get Ron and Hermione.
(Another pause like the last one.)
RON
Hello? What's going on?
ALBUS
Hi Uncle Ron, it's Albus and Scorpius here.
RON
Oh, hi kids! How were your days?
ALBUS and SCORPIUS
Fine, but that's not what's important right now.
HERMIONE
They just filled us in, we'll be right there!
(DEMENTORS enter stage right, each carrying copies of Deathly Hallows. They chant as they cross the stage, hitting themselves with the books in reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. HERMIONE, HARRY, RON, and DRACO enter behind them.)
ALBUS
Ok, since you're all conveniently filled in, we need to come up with a plan to stop Delphi.
HARRY
Do you have any idea where she went?
SCORPIUS
No, she just sort of dropped us here.
DRACO
Well I have this convenient plot device here, so couldn't we just go to some other point in time and stop her before she's born or something?
HERMIONE
We could, but I'm afraid of what ripples that could cause. The best course of action is to stop her here and now.
HARRY
It seems like she's strangely obsessed with Voldemort, so if we could lure her with my awesomeness and the prospect of meeting him, that would be ideal.
GINNY
Well in that case, you would have to be the one to impersonate him somehow.
HARRY
You mean face off against evil in one final show down just as I did in my glory days? I dunno...
GINNY
You're the only one of us who can speak Parseltongue, and she's sure to use that when she's talking to him.
HARRY
Which would mean we get to combine my awesomeness and the promise of Voldemort into the ultimate lure? This is why I married you babe.
RON
Ok, it's makeover time!
(They sit HARRY in a chair with his back to the audience, giving him a cape, fangs, and slicked back hair.)
RON
There's it's done!
HARRY
Are you sure this is Voldemort? I think I look more like Dracula.
RON
Oh, right… maybe that's who I was thinking of.
(Pats HARRY on the back.)
Well, there's no time to fix it now! Just stick to the accent and you'll be fine! Good luck, mate!
HERMIONE
Ronald, you are absolutely useless sometimes, do you know that?
HARRY
Wait, I think I hear her coming, everybody hide!
(Everyone except HARRY exits.)
IV.2
DELPHI
Father! Father, where are you? It is I, your only daughter!
HARRY
(awkwardly imitating Transylvanian accent)
Good evening. It is I, Count- I mean, Lord Voldemort.
DELPHI
Father!
(bows)
It is an honor to meet you at last!
HARRY
What makes you think you are any child of mine?
DELPHI
You are my father and Bellatrix Lestrange is my mother. She gave birth to me before the Battle of Hogwarts, and I was raised by Death Eaters in your image. I even have the gift of Parseltongue. I am here from the future to stop you from making a grave error.
HARRY
Ah, yes, I can hear that you do. But how is what you say possible? Who are you to assume to know more of my totally epic plans than me?
DELPHI
Father, you must believe me! If you attempt to kill Harry Potter tonight, it will spell your doom!
(Some time during this line, HARRY's fangs fall out.)
DELPHI
Wait, something is wrong here. What big eyes you have!
HARRY
The better to see you with.
DELPHI
Father, what big fangs you have!
HARRY
The better to, uh, taste the flesh of my enemies with.
DELPHI
What a big nose you have!
HARRY
(losing accent)
Now listen here you little-
DELPHI
(removes the disguise)
I knew it! You're not my father!
(Both draw their wands.)
HARRY
No, I'm not. And I'm not going to let you get to him either!
DELPHI
We'll see about that. Finally, I get to storm in with my wand blazing, killing everyone and destroying things! Avada Kedavra!
(A TECHIE runs on with a knife and jumps HARRY. The TECHIE tries to stab him but fails. TECHIE tries several more times, growing increasingly confused as to why this isn't working. DELPHI tries being more dramatic with the swish and flick, but still it doesn't work.)
I don't understand. What's happening!?
HARRY
I should have thought of this sooner! Everyone knows that hairspray repels magic, and there's so much of it in the air during the 80s that our wands are useless!
(The TECHIE tests the knife with their hand to find it is a retractable stage knife. The TECHIE shrugs and leaves)
DELPHI
Ugh, I hate the 80s! I guess we'll just have to settle this the way they did back then…
BOTH
(pulling out their dice)
Dungeons and Dragons!
(They sit on the ground and start rolling their d20s excitedly, as if it were a sporting event or a real fight - they're really into it.)
DELPHI
Seventeen! I go first in combat!
HARRY
No way!
DELPHI
Are you calling me a liar, Potter?
HARRY
You're the daughter of Voldemort, of course I think you're a liar!
DELPHI
(Pointing at her d20)
Read it and weep! I summon a greater dragon ally!
HARRY
...A dragon? Seriously? You're summoning a dragon? Didn't we just have a dragon in Act II Scene I?
DELPHI
If it's not broke, don't fix it! I summon three dragons, with 27 hit dice-
HARRY
Whoa whoa whoa. Twenty-seven? What caster level are you?
DELPHI
(Smugly)
Twenty-six
HARRY
(Beginning to look truly worried)
26? SHIT! I'm only eighteen!
(Looking to where ALBUS and the others are hiding)
Guys, I could use some backup here!
(DELPHI begins rolling her hit dice one at a time)
DRACO
(Offstage)
And get caught playing D&D? There is no predicament which could possibly persuade me to participate in this preposterous proposition!
(There is a chorus of agreement from the rest of the CAST offstage)
HARRY
Oh come on, you choose now to start using all p-words again?!
(Beat)
Guys, I don't care who it is, but if someone doesn't get their asses on stage we're going to be stuck in the era of mullets, shoulder pads, and Ronald Reagan. And that wouldn't be cool!
(ALBUS stumbles on stage, clearly having been pushed on by the other characters. A wand falls out of his pocket.)
ALBUS
(To CAST offstage)
Really? Really? Why me?
(To himself, angstily)
Why meeeee?
(Noticing the wand that has fallen and picking it up)
Oh hey, look, a wand! It makes absolutely no sense that a wand just fell out of my pocket, since Delphi snapped mine earlier in the play, but I won't question it!
HARRY
(To CAST offstage)
Did you all really have to choose the one character I've been in conflict with this entire play? Not cool, guys!
(To ALBUS)
Alright, sport, I guess I'm stuck with you - come over here quick and help me!
DELPHI
(Continuing to roll her dice)
...24 hit points...
(Rolls again)
...30 hit points...
(Laughing)
You're going down, Potters!
ALBUS
But Dad, I don't know how to play D&D! I might be a friendless loser, but I'm not that much of a friendless loser!
SCORPIUS
(Offstage)
Friendless? Then what am I?
GINNY
(Offstage)
Don't take offense Scorpius, we all know you two are more than friends!
HARRY
Do you mean to say that Scorpius is like a brother to Albus, Ginny?
GINNY
...Yes, Harry. That's exactly what I meant.
DELPHI
(Rolls)
...42 hit points...
(Rolls)
...46 hit points...
HARRY
Look, right now I don't care if you two are thestrals, Veela, or even dating, I just need your help kiddo! There's a conveniently-placed Dungeons and Dragons manual over on stage right, start reading!
ALBUS
Reading? But after that awfulness with the bookcase in Act I I promised the audience I'd never read again-
HARRY
Who cares about what you promised them? We told them this show was going to be funny to get them to come here, didn't we? Albus, please, we broke one promise, we can break another!
ALBUS
That's the first time you've called me by my real name this entire play! Fine, I guess I'll help you...
(HE walks to the edge of the stage and picks up the manual)
DELPHI
(Rolling, becoming even more excited with each roll as the damage increases)
...63 hit points….
ALBUS
Dad, what do I do first?
HARRY
Roll for initiative!
ALBUS
(Picking up a die)
Okay, so first I roll … this die?
(He rolls a d20)
I got a 20. Dad, is 20 bad?
(There is some indication that his wand works again)
ALBUS
Hey, look! The wand that I somehow found in my pocket works again!
(He attempts to use magic)
Incarcerous!
(TECHIES carry a coil of rope and secure it around DELPHI'S head. She is clearly not tied up but acts as if she is unable to escape. She struggles against her 'bonds'.)
DELPHI
Nooooooo! I've been defeated!
(The rest reenter)
RON
You're coming with us, pal. We're sending you… back to the future!
DELPHI
Please! Let me at least lay eyes on my father. I must see him!
HERMIONE
You know we can't do that. The timestream has been damaged enough already, and we're going to set everything right.
DELPHI
You'll pay for this! You'll all pay! The Augury will rise again!
RON
What's the Augury?
HERMIONE
It's seems like it's something that would have been very important if our parody wasn't running long.
(All except HARRY and ALBUS begin to carry DELPHI off, but GINNY stops HERMIONE for a moment)
GINNY
Wait, Hermione, I need to speak with you for a moment.
HERMIONE
Sure, what's up Ginny?
(Pause)
GINNY
Okay, I think we're good.
HERMIONE
Um, alright? What was that all about?
GINNY
Our show is almost over, and I was getting worried we wouldn't pass the Bechdel test. Glad that's taken care of!
(HERMIONE agrees and exits with GINNY. HARRY and ALBUS remain.)
ALBUS
Dad, can I ask you a question?
HARRY
Sure, champ. And thanks for your help back there - that dragon would have gotten the best of me if you hadn't rolled a Nat20!
ALBUS
But without me she wouldn't have even been able to get here.
HARRY
She would have found a way. But lucky for us, the lame way she decided to go about it brought her right into our hands. And that's all thanks to you.
(Pause)
So what did you want to ask me, sport?
ALBUS
Well… it's just that you always seem so cool all the time… so why do you know how to play D&D?
HARRY
(Looking around nervously for the others)
Okay, so the truth is, I'm not really the lead singer and guitarist in an awesome wizard rock band like I've been saying I am - the other Aurors and I have had a D&D campaign going for a few years now, and that's where I go every Thursday night. But don't tell anyone - it'll damage my reputation for being awesome and popular and totally not nerdy.
RON
Mate, you know we're just backstage, right? We can hear everything you're saying!
HERMIONE
And we just saw you playing D&D a few minutes ago!
(HARRY and ALBUS ignore them. HARRY pats ALBUS on the back, it's a nice moment, etc. There's a pause. ALBUS looks back towards where he first saw James and Lily.)
ALBUS
Dad… Your parents are still over there. You're still over there. Why are you so calm? I would be an oozing puddle of angst at this point. What are we going to do?
HARRY
… There's nothing we can do. Like Hermione said, time has been tampered with so much already. And, as much as I hate it, what's about to happen tonight has had such a profound impact on my life. I'm not ready to risk giving up my friends, your mother… and you might not exist either. That's just not a chance I'm willing to take.
ALBUS
So… you do want me to be your son?
HARRY
Of course I do, Albus. I wrote a song about it and everything!
ALBUS
(nodding slowly)
I understand... Are you ready to go back to the future?
HARRY
I think so… let's go.
(They exit together. Blackout)
IV.3
(Hogwarts classroom. ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter, chatting excitedly.)
SCORPIUS
I can't believe I just did that!
ALBUS
Helped overthrow the daughter of Voldemort and save the world?
SCORPIUS
FAR more important to my character development, I asked out Rose Granger-Weasley!
ALBUS
Who?
SCORPIUS
That's right, THE Rose Granger-Weasley!
ALBUS
Drawing a blank.
SCORPIUS
Quidditch player?
(ALBUS shakes his head)
Your cousin?
(Still no)
The girl used to define our relationship as purely a bromance, since there can only be one gay Albus in the series?
ALBUS
(Bitter but trying to hide his feelings)
Oh right! Glad you finally established your heteronormativity.
SCORPIUS
(Mutters)
She said no.
ALBUS
Wait-
SCORPIUS
I planted the seed! The acorn is planted!
(HARRY enters)
HARRY
You ready, Albus?
ALBUS
Dad? What are you doing at Hogwarts? Where are we going?
HARRY
Why, to our heartwarming conclusion of course! You and I need to resolve our differences, or the play can't end, and we'll be stuck here all night!
ALBUS
(To HARRY)
Well, we can't have that!
(To SCORPIUS)
I've gotta go, I'll see you after this scene, okay?
(Starts to walk away casually, but SCORPIUS awkwardly tackles him with a hug, which ALBUS struggles to break out of and finally escapes from. Whispers).
Not in front of my dad.
(Louder, both trying to cover in front of his father, but also still upset that Scorpius has asked out Rose rather than him)
I mean, you sure Rose won't mind? Ha! Ha! Okay dad let's go.
(ALBUS begins to walk away towards Harry, but he stops and turns back to SCORPIUS. SCORPIUS seems to be making a decision, then squares his shoulders.)
SCORPIUS
Rose who?
(ALBUS rushes to Scorpius. They kiss for a moment. Eventually they break apart, SCORPIUS exits and ALBUS watches him leave lovingly)
Okay dad, now let's go.
(HARRY and ALBUS walk upstage).
HARRY
Albus, I know I'm always talked up as "The Boy Who Lived," and made out to be this kind of hero. And sure, I saved the school a few times. Well, really, the world. Did you know that I singlehandedly took down Voldemort himself at age eleven? And boy, you should have seen me play Quidditch, I was-
ALBUS
Dad.
HARRY
Oops, sorry. Anyways, what I was getting at is that… I'm sorry, this is just a little difficult to talk to you about. I know things have been difficult between us, but I'm finally ready to say… I'm… afraid of pigeons. I'm afraid of pigeons! Merlin, I've been meaning to get that off my chest for the past twenty-nine years!
ALBUS
This seems highly pertinent.
HARRY
Oh, and I guess being a father is hard, no matter how awesome my parenting skills generally are. I'm sorry for expecting too much of you, and I'm sorry for naming you after two cool men with very uncool names.
ALBUS
Wow dad, maybe you do understand me. I really feel a well-timed and incredibly sudden bout of love for you coming on. It's almost like we're… just slightly… melting together
(Slowly squish together on those lines).
MCGONAGALL
(Out to audience)
And all was well.
(Pause)
For real this time.
(Pause)
We're done, we're not dragging this out anymore. Nothing else is gonna go wrong, I swear. This is it. All. Was. Well.
The End