A/N: It's Friday bitchezzzzz! And you know what that means... you beautiful lot get another chapter to read! Right now is an awesome time to be a Caryler is it not?! All the spoiler pics and theories and even awesomer pics of... I wanna say scripts but they're not... (What would we call them? Camera guy scripts?) that the amazing upsgirl88 procured from her friend! Anyway, I'm buzzing as I'm sure most of you are too!
This chapter was a lot of fun to write. Carol's mind throughout this story is a complex arena and this gives me so many avenues to explore. The inner workings of an abused person's mind is a delicate thing to try to portray properly, but I hope I have done it justice. Again, I can't take ALL the credit; my fab buddies kaoscraze and allidon helped me out a ton making sure everything about this was just right. It was fun to write for other reasons, but I won't spoil it for you :) just read!
Anyhoo, I'm off to try and catch up before you're all on my tail! Happy reading and remember, reviews make me a happy bunny!
Disclaimer #1: I do NOT own TWD or any of its characters. They just come into my mind and do stuff and thangs.
Disclaimer #2: Boooo you Emmy people!
Chapter 4
"Are you crazy?!" Carol eyeballed him and tried to keep her voice down so no one in the hallway would hear them. "What if we get caught? I'm not spending the next week grounded Daryl."
"Aw c'mon, stop bein' such a chicken," he grinned. "We ain't gonna get caught. I've got it all planned out. Trust me."
Carol sighed. "I wanna trust you, but I also don't wanna wind up in detention."
Daryl smirked. He seemed to be in detention every week for something. Carol was a straight A student and she wanted to keep it that way. When Daryl had come over this morning to walk her to school like he always did, there had been a gleam in his eye that she knew only came out when he was planning something mischievous. She should've known better than to let it go and chalk it up to something trivial. Now here he was, standing in front of her with the bell about to ring for fifth period, trying to convince her to skip out on the rest of the class for the day and take off with him on some half-schemed adventure. The sad part was she was actually considering going along with it.
"Aw man just come on. We'll tell them you got sick and had to go home. I'll make sure we get ya back before your folks get home too."
"Daryl…"
"Please? I promise, you're gonna love it."
Carol eyed him suspiciously and tried in vain to suppress a grin as he pouted at her with big blue puppy dog eyes.
"Oh alright! But if we get caught you take the blame." She scowled at him.
"Oh trust me, even you'd do time for what I got in mind."
He led her down the hall, Carol's mind still trying to figure out a good enough excuse for what she'd say if anyone found out.
"Do I at least get a clue where we're going?"
Daryl could barely contain his excitement as he pulled her through the crowd of students heading to their next class, grinning at her like an idiot. "You'll see."
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"Oh my God this is amazing!" Carol had to shout to be heard above the rip of the wind in her own ears.
"I told ya!" Daryl yelled back. "Am I a fuckin' genius or what?"
"No, you're just crazy!"
Her hair would be a complete nightmare to brush out after this but feeling the wind rip through it was exhilarating and had her heart flying in her chest. His back gave her face some shelter from the harsh elements as they rode, and she used the necessity of holding on to him as an excuse to snuggle up. To say she'd been apprehensive when he'd presented Merle's bike and divulged his brilliant plan would have been an understatement. She'd looked at him like he was an idiot but now it seemed like pretty much the best idea he'd ever had. She'd never experienced anything like this in her life, it was definitely going to take something spectacular to beat this feeling.
They rode to a picturesque little rise of land overlooking town and Daryl decided this was as good a spot as any to stop for a rest. He steadied the bike near a little family of trees while Carol climbed off and attempted desperately to tame her curls which were dishevelled to say the least from the ride. Daryl looked her messy mane over and snorted a laugh, and she shoved him in mock annoyance.
"Keep it up, redneck. I got plenty ways to make your life a misery."
"Yeah, whatcha gonna do?"
"Now why would I tell you and ruin all the fun?" Carol grinned mischievously at him.
They settled down on the grass near the edge of the overhang and took in the view. It was turning out to be a beautiful day, and Carol let out a blissful sigh. Daryl looked at her curiously and laughed under his breath.
"What?" she chuckled. "I was just thinking, we should be in Math or something right now."
"Man fuck that, this is way better."
"Oh yeah? I kinda thought you'd be basking in all the attention," she grinned.
"Attention? The hell ya talkin' about?"
"From Amanda?" Carol rolled her eyes suggestively. "Your little not-so-secret admirer?"
"Pfft," Daryl scoffed, picking at the grass, "chick's crazy, she creeps me out."
"Yeah right, I've seen you checking her out in class," she teased, relishing the way his cheeks were starting to fill with colour.
"Stop. I ain't been checkin' her out. Told ya, I don't do all that romance shit."
"What, never?"
Daryl shifted uncomfortably under her gaze and she couldn't help but smile at the way he looked all flustered at what she was asking. She knew he was shy but she'd always assumed he'd at least had a girlfriend.
"You can't tell me you've never had a girlfriend?" Carol asked, her voice laden with disbelief.
"Can we just change the damn subject already?"
"I'm not judging, just asking."
Daryl glared at her in annoyance. "No, I ain't had one. Ya happy?"
Carol gave him a little smile. "But you have kissed a girl before?"
"Course I have, m'not a total loser." He avoided her gaze like the plague as his cheeks glowed, betraying him.
"Have you kissed Amanda?" She felt dread and hope churn in her stomach. "I mean, would you, if she asked?"
"I already told ya she gives me the creeps," he muttered.
Carol felt her spirits lift a little and wondered if she should dare to dig further. "Well, if not Amanda, how about someone else?"
"I- I don't … Do we have to talk about this?"
Carol had said it half jokingly in an attempt to lighten the mood, keeping the real intent behind it to herself. She was totally unprepared for his response - she'd been expecting his usual dismissive 'pfft, stop'. Instead her tummy fluttered and a light came on somewhere inside her.
"Daryl?"
Her breath caught as her eyes hovered on him, meeting with the side of his head as he ripped up handfuls of grass and avoided her behind a mop of ragged hair. His face burned with embarrassment. She'd been so convinced and secretly heartbroken in school, casting wistful glances back at him and thinking his eyes were focused on Amanda, who sat in between them in math class. She'd carried the hope that one day maybe they would get together, and the hope got a little smaller each time she caught him looking over. Daryl eventually caved under the tension and looked up from behind wisps of straggly hair at her, his pained expression making her heart suddenly canon around in her chest. It dawned on her like an anvil falling on her head. He wasn't looking at Amanda.
"Oh." Carol breathed, unsure if she'd just slipped into a parallel universe.
He knew she'd figured it out and he was mortified. Daryl didn't hang around to wait on the rejection spiel, he jumped up irritably and trudged off, throwing himself against one of the trees. He thrust his hands into his pockets and scuffed at the grass with his boot. She got up and followed him, approaching him cautiously. He looked lost.
"Daryl, it's okay. I just… I didn't realise… "
"How could ya not realise?" He fiddled with a stray blade of grass. "Been starin' at ya like some fuckin' perv all through class."
"You're not a perv," she snorted incredulously.
"Close as I'm ever gonna get… ain't like it's ever gonna happen."
"Why not?" Carol asked, her voice coming out almost as a whisper.
Daryl's eyes evaded her, flitting around nervously on the ground, combing every gnarled root and trodden blade of grass for an answer he couldn't find. Eventually he had to meet her eyes because there was nowhere else for him to hide.
"Not exactly your type," he huffed.
"How do you know you're not my type?"
"Figure ya can have any guy ya want, why would ya even look twice at me?" His hair covered his face as he hung his head.
Carol's heart sank. He had absolutely no confidence in himself whatsoever and it broke her heart. Daryl was the kindest, most caring person she'd ever met, but there was another insecure, self conscious side buried deep within him and it killed her that she was only just realising the depth of it. Without thinking she reached for his face, recoiling a little at the slight flinch before he allowed her to touch him.
"I've been looking at you for months, ya big dummy. If I'd had some kinda idea you felt something I'd have said something by now. I really did think you and Amanda…"
"I fucking hate Amanda!," he groaned, "she's a stuck up little bitch."
"Okay so no Amanda," she laughed, letting her hand fall. "Got it."
They exchanged nervous, shy glances, neither one sure what to say or do next. Carol knew she'd be the one to break the deadlock, mainly because she couldn't stand the tension, and as nervous as she was, she knew he'd never be the one to do it.
"So how many girls have you really kissed?"
Daryl's eyes never left the ground, his face burning beet red. "None."
Seizing what little crazy confidence still buzzed inside her, she closed the space between them quickly before he had the chance to realise what was going on and her lips brushed his lightly. She felt him suck in a surprised breath as they met, his body struggling to hold back the reaction. His lips didn't respond but he didn't pull away either. She knew he had to be terrified, and it was radiating from him and spreading throughout her body. As much as she feared this could change things between them forever, she knew it was a chance she had to take or forever risk being in limbo, unsure of where she stood with him. When she pulled back he was still there, frozen to the spot with a look of bewilderment plastered across his face. At least he hadn't tried to run.
"So?"
"Huh?" Daryl stuttered, looking bemused.
"Was it that bad?"
"Bad?" He looked at her like she was insane. "What makes ya say that?"
"You look like you're about to run for the hills."
His expression lightened a little and he let out a little smirk. "Sorry, caught me off guard I guess. Was that, y'know, your first?"
"Yeah," she smiled shyly.
"Was it okay?"
Carol's heart melted all over again as she realised that he was more concerned for her than himself. "It was perfect. Although.."
"Although what?"
"I think we could both use some more practise."
She moved slowly, knowing this time he wouldn't feel like bolting for the hills. Both of them were nervous, tentative, but he managed to hold her gaze; his eyes soft and warm, causing her stomach to flutter wildly. His eyes flickered between her lips and eyes as he tried to figure out the right moment, his chest seizing as the tip of her nose made his skin tingle with anticipation. Their lips touched softly and this time he tilted his head gently in response, allowing her to capture him completely. Her heart buzzed frantically with this newfound aching and she never wanted it to stop. He could easily have escaped if he'd wanted to, but he was utterly entranced because it felt so right. Carol was surprised; it seemed so easy, like they'd been kissing all their lives. He was a natural.
Standing for what felt like hours, under the little canopy of trees at the top of the hill, Carol and Daryl became lost to the world as they explored this new closeness. Daryl was right. This might just be worth doing time for.
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Carol swilled the thoughts around in her head, making one sound as convincing as the next, trying to drill some sort of courage into herself. It was going to be okay. He wouldn't give a shit if she went to some dumb party, he was going away this weekend anyway so why would he care? She washed her hands and looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, exhaling nervously, her heart beating a little faster than it normally did. She had to calm down, it was just a party for goodness' sake. He wouldn't care. Carol pulled herself together and breathed normally, trying to bring her anxiety levels back down.
She opened the bathroom door and wandered down the hall to peek around Sophia's doorway. She was lying on her tummy in bed, head propped up on her elbows reading a book. Carol smiled as Sophia failed to realise she was there. She was lost in her own imagination. It seemed a shame to disturb her.
"Whatcha readin'?" Carol stepped further into the room, bringing Sophia back to planet earth.
"It's called A Little Princess. It's about a rich girl who has to live in a boarding school because her daddy is a Captain and he has to go look for a diamond mine, but he tells the head mistress she's to have everything she wants. She's not spoiled though, she's kind to all the other girls, and some of them are very poor. Anyway, her father gets jungle fever and dies, and the headmistress is mean to her because she doesn't have any money now, and she makes her a slave. That's as far as I got."
"Ah, well I'm afraid that's as far as we get tonight because it's bed time, missy," Carol smiled, stroking her daughters face. "Go brush your teeth quick and I'll tuck you in."
Sophia laid the book face down and jumped to her feet, skipping off to brush her teeth. Carol picked up the book and read a few lines then smiled at the bookmark on Sophia's duvet. It had a big furry bumblebee on a daisy with a long green stem. Carol marked the page with it and closed the book, leaving the daisy and the bee peeking out of the top. Two minutes later Sophia came back and hopped into bed, shifting herself down under the covers as Carol pulled them over her.
"Mama?"
"Hmm?"
"Carl said his mom and dad are having a party this weekend and we're invited. Do you think we could go?" Sophia's bright eyes twinkled up at her expectantly.
"We'll see sweetie, but until I discuss it with your daddy we don't mention it, okay?"
"Okay mama. It would be fun though, wouldn't it?"
Carol smiled and dropped a kiss on Sophia's forehead and turned off her bedside lamp. "Night baby girl."
"Night mama, love you."
"Love you more."
As she clicked Sophia's door closed, her breath left her in a rush of hopelessness. Any bravery she had felt about bringing the party up to Ed had vanished and been replaced with a despondent heaviness. The thought of him being unreasonable was now doubly unbearable. Sophia had looked so hopeful about the idea of going to the party, and it would break her heart to have to tell her they couldn't go. Then a thought occurred to her. A thought so tantalizingly plausible she had to stop a laugh escaping. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Maybe because she'd programmed herself to swerve all thoughts that could get her into trouble. She allowed the idea to creep out of the murky dungeon in her mind where she hid everything away, undecided yet whether she should allow it to come out for good.
As she made her way downstairs on autopilot to the kitchen she felt almost like a naughty teenager hiding something from her parents. He was sitting in front of the tv like he usually did on evenings where he wasn't propping up the bar with his buddies. The thought was burning in her brain like a cigarette and she thought if he looked around he would see the smoke and she would be busted for sure. She just knew it would be written all over her face; it couldn't be more obvious she was plotting supposing there were neon flashing arrows pointing to her. Then again, did he notice her at all? If he was in tv and beer mode she'd often thought a nuclear bomb wouldn't draw his attention.
There was always the chance she would be found out. It hung like a cloud over every aspect of her daily life, but this would be much worse than simply spending a cent more than he allowed at the store. The prospect burrowed in her gut, but it was miniscule in comparison to the guilt she would feel letting Sophia down. As she took in the sight of him slobbed out in his chair, swigging from his can, she decided she was done asking for permission. Look at him, he's disgusting. He couldn't even acknowledge her when she walked into the room, why should she care either way? If she got found out, to hell with it. He couldn't do anything to her he hadn't already done a million times over. For a night free from him, having fun with her daughter and her friends, she'd take it. There had to be more to life than living under his bootprint. Some things were worth doing time for.