Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders.

My parents used to fight practically all day, every day, before my mom left for good, without Benny and I that time. I used to hate it. I told Benny once that I wish they wouldn't do that in front of us, because I knew some kids who said they never heard their parents fight. I remember him telling me something that shocked me.

He said, "I'm glad I hear them. If they had always hidden it from us, how would we know that life is hard? We'd be miles behind everyone else around here."

I scrunched my nose at him, a sure sign I disagreed. He sighed and pulled me into a hug.

"Look, Ruthie, I know it's scary, and most everything hurts all the time, especially inside and all that shit, but it's just the way things are."

"They still don't have to fight," I argued.

"Everybody fights, even people who live ages in a life most might say was happy overall, and that is because life always has been, and always will be, hard as hell. The sooner we learn that, the better off we'll be. We're the lucky ones."

Of course, that didn't explain why Benny dragged me to hide under the porch with him during that fight, and now, seeing Johnny's face after or during one of Marty and I's shouting matches, I'm still not quite seeing Benny's point. Okay, so I do, but I still disagree. My son is only six, and although I can keep him semi-sheltered most times, he's already starting to look haunted. No matter what Benny's philosophy was, I wish more than anything I could protect Johnny from all pain, both physical and emotional. But I can't, and I'm at a loss.

Thankfully, there are times when Marty and I don't scream at the top of our lungs or exchange uneven amounts of blows, but those rare occurrences are just that, rare, and getting rarer. I think it's because I see through his bullshit more and more, and he knows it. Now, rather than work at trying to cover up what an ass he is, he just tries to beat me down harder.

On the bright side, Marty gets another job, and the hours are longer than mine, helping us to avoid each other. This means, however, Johnny needs a babysitter after school, until I can pick him up. As a stay at home mom, Gloria Matthews is the perfect solution. She won't even let me pay her for the couple of hours he's at her house. Honestly, she's a lifesaver.

Then one day Johnny is begging me to let permit him to go with Two-bit to the house of another boy named Sodapop Curtis, after school is done. I'm hesitant, because of three things. Johnny would be going to this house before I get off work, I don't know this other boy or his parents, and I'm a bit suspicious of his name, which Johnny swears is not just a nickname.

"Well, his brother's taking him to the park today," Johnny says in response to the fact that I don't know Sodapop.

I'm beyond tired, but I say, "Okay, we'll head on over right away."

"Yay!" he shouts, and I smile, because Johnny hardly ever makes exclamations of any kind. It's nice not to see him scared.

So, off to the park we go, and we see Two-bit with his mom and sister there first.

"Hey, Ruth!" Gloria calls to me as Johnny runs off to play with Two-bit.

"Hi." I grin at the little one in the stroller. "Mandy sure is getting big, ain't she?"

"You're telling me!" Gloria exclaims. "I swear, she and Keith are just like weeds with how fast they shoot up. I sure wish they took their time growing, like Johnny does."

I try to smile at that, but Johnny's slow advancing height actually concerns me. I realize it's probably normal, but he's just so small. He likely only is that way because of my side of the family, but I'm still worried.

"So, how've you been?" I ask, wanting to think about anything else.

Gloria frowns. "Well, I don't like talking much about my troubles, but my husband worries me sometimes. He's been irritable or absent lately, and I can't figure out why."

"Oh." I don't know what to say to that. I doubt saying, 'well at least he isn't beating the crap out of you,' would go over well.

"Ugh, but all that aside, I've been okay. Well, except they told me Keith would have to repeat a grade. Not even to middle school and already that boy is falling behind. You should've seen the principal's face too, like he thought my son was scum."

"I'm sorry for that, Gloria. I can't even imagine how angry I'd be, if that happened to Johnny."

She sighs. "Turns out Keith did it on purpose, because he wanted to be in the same grade as his friends next year. Boy, was I mad, but also relieved he wasn't actually that dumb, at least, not with books and such, you know?"

I nod. "Yeah, I think my brother did the same thing once for me. Wanted to protect me from bullies 'cause I was always getting picked on."

"How sweet." Gloria's face softens. "I didn't know you had a brother. Where is he now?

I look down. "St. Mary's cemetery."

"Oh, hon, I'm so sorry."

I shrug. "Wasn't you who forced him to drive fast in the rain." I peer over at her in mock seriousness. "Or was it?"

She laughs, happy to lighten the mood, then waves at someone in the distance. "Oh, look, there's Linda Curtis. Guess she wasn't ready to let Darry bring the boys himself."

"Curtis?" my ears prick up.

"Yeah, you should really meet her. Probably the nicest lady I've ever met."

"Hello, Gloria," greets the new woman. She's beautiful with golden hair, grey-green eyes, a slim figure, and a face I'm sure is gorgeous when she smiles.

"Hi, Linda. Where's Ponyboy?"

I assume Ponyboy is another Curtis boy with an interesting name. I decide not to comment on it for fear of sounding rude. Linda smiles briefly, looking gorgeous indeed, before answering Gloria's question.

"Oh, Soda insisted that Pony be allowed to play with him and Steve. Seeing as how Steve gets jealous when he has to share his best friend's attention, I decided to come and keep my eye on them. Darry wasn't happy. Thought I didn't trust him or something."

Gloria laughs, and I give a little grin. Linda turns to me.

"Oh, I don't think I've met you before. I'm Linda."

"Ruth Cade," I reply, shaking her hand.

Linda's eyes show recognition at my name. "Oh, so you're Johnny's mother?"

For some reason, the way she says that sentence makes me wanna squirm. It reminds me of the way popular girls look over plain girls and find them lacking in just about every aspect of beauty and who knows what else. Linda's gaze drifts over my arms, and I see I have a couple of bruises showing. That's when it hits me. She's not a fool, that Linda. She knows what kind of house Johnny lives in, and she blames me for it.

Gloria doesn't seem to notice Linda's disapproval of me and just talks nonsense for a while. "Yeah, you should see how much Johnny absolutely loves her. Always looking for her twenty minutes before she gets to my place. So polite too, isn't he, Linda? You really taught him well, Ruth."

"I imagine Ruth has taught him a great many things," Linda says in what sounds like a polite tone, but I know she's referring to the way I tell Johnny to lie.

I can't even blame her for feeling about me the way she does. I don't exactly like myself much, most days. It still feels awful to sit and be judged like that, though. I find myself counting the seconds until it's time to go, but I won't drag Johnny away until he's ready. He deserves a good day.

Before I take off, Gloria hugs me and whispers, "Sorry. I forget sometimes how Linda lets her heart rule her head. She ought to know better than to write you off."

I duck my head in shame but nod to appease the kind woman. Then I grab Johnny's hand as we stroll down to our house. Before we get home, Johnny asks me if I made a decision on whether or not it's okay for him to play at Soda's.

I wanna say no, but all judgment aside, I know Linda means well. Besides, in the course of his life, Johnny could use a safe place to go to. So, as much as it pains me, I tell Johnny I'll be perfectly fine with it if he starts hanging out around there.

"Thanks, Mama," he says, with glowing eyes. "I love you."

I fight the urge to cry. I don't wanna frighten Johnny, and I don't think I could explain why I'm so sad. Truthfully, I don't fully understand it myself.