Chapter 4: Some Kind Of Honesty
"I'm going to try a different tactic," Izzie declared.
"Yeah?" Meredith asked.
"Yeah."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to be nice."
"You're always nice."
"No, I'm not. And not to him. But it's hard to be nice to someone who is so…" Her voice grew in volume, "difficult."
"Izzie! You're killing the pillow." Izzie released her death grip on the pillow sitting in her lap.
"Sorry, I didn't realize I was… but see! This is what he does to me. I'm a calm person. I'm together and calm and then he comes along and I'm, I'm this!"
"Why do you think that is?"
Innocently unaware of Meredith's implication, Izzie answered, "I don't know. I don't have any idea. Wait, why?"
Meredith's eyes danced in amusement, making Izzie apprehensive. "Do you think that maybe deep, deep down you are just a teeny tiny bit attracted to him?"
"NO! No, I won't deny he's gorgeous, I mean, he's freakin' McSteamy, right? But in what kind of relationship do you just stare at your partner? That's not real."
"The kissing is real."
"Shut up!" Izzie threw the pillow at Meredith, who dodged it while laughing. Despite herself, Izzie joined in the laughter. "I am not letting it happen again. He just keeps…"
"Tricking you, we know."
"It's not just that. He's an ass. The way he treated me that day…" She trailed off.
Meredith regarded her friend sorrowfully. "But I thought you said he apologized for it."
"He did, well, kind of. But that's not enough. Words can't erase actions and I can't forget what he did. Worst of all, I can't forget that he's the kind of person who could do those things."
"Do you ever wonder why he did that?"
Her voice softened. "All the time. If it wasn't for that day I don't think I'd have quite as low an opinion of him as I do."
"Maybe he was having a bad day."
"Oh, Meredith, don't make excuses from him."
Something about Izzie's expression made Meredith suspect she wasn't getting the whole story. "What?"
For a second it seemed that Izzie was going to brush her off, but after a hesitant breath, she admitted, "That's what he said."
"So?"
"So what? All I can say is that it must have been one hell of a bad day. Besides that's a very lame, very generic excuse."
"I get the impression he doesn't have the best coping skills."
"As if that isn't obvious."
"Izzie."
Izzie was starting to get annoyed. "What, Meredith? Who's side are you on here? And why are you so interested all of the sudden?"
"If there are sides, I'm on yours."
"If?"
"I'm just looking out for your happiness."
"And you think that being with Sloan is the key to my happiness," Izzie scoffed.
"I think it has potential."
"Whatever. I said I was going to be nice to him and I will be, as long as he lets me."
"Addison?" Meredith spoke into the phone.
"What's up?"
"Izzie is less than convinced. She's really hung up on what he did to her."
"Yeah, well, Mark can be an ass. Don't worry about it too much though. Derek is coaching him."
"Really?"
"Kind of. His coaching mainly consists of advice like don't sleep with other women and limit the use of sexual innuendos." Meredith laughed into the receiver. "To be honest though, I don't think it's having much of an effect on Mark. He doesn't seem to be retaining any of it."
"Is he sleeping around?"
"What? Oh, no, right now it's like he doesn't even live in the same world as the rest of us. He's completely oblivious to everything and everyone else. All he thinks about is Izzie. Just today he walked right by the nurse's station without giving them so much as a passing glance."
"No!"
"Seriously, you wouldn't believe it. Her name is the only thing I hear come out of his mouth. 'What kind of music do you think Izzie likes? Does Izzie like roller coasters? Why does Izzie want to be a surgeon?' Don't get me wrong, I like Mark and I like Izzie and I want them to be happy, but if his crush on her didn't benefit me in some way, I would have slapped him by now. I mean, you saw him the other day. I'm surprised he can function well enough to do surgery. I've been half-expecting to see his patients come out of the OR with 'Izzie' written in stitches."
Meredith chuckled. "I have to admit I'm scared for her though. She's in no kind of emotional shape to handle anything that we would consider typical of Mark Sloan."
"I know how Mark can come off, believe me, I know. But don't underestimate him. He's had a rough time and he knows what it feels like to be completely devastated."
"It's not that. I like him, I even understand him to an extent. But this thing he has for Izzie, it developed so fast. I just worry that it's not real or that it will disappear just as quickly."
"Don't you believe in love at first sight?"
"I used to. I'd like to. But now that I… I just wonder."
"Well I do. With a little modification. What if I said this didn't happen as fast as you think it did?"
"I'd say what are you talking about? One day he treats her like she's a sex object and then the next day he's asking me not to give her a ride to work so that he can drive her. One day, Addison? That's pretty fast."
"If it really happened in that one day, then yes, I'd agree with you. But this started before that. He noticed her from day one. He would, of course. She's got that obvious beauty, tall, big boobs…"
"Blonde."
"Actually, no. Mark has generally avoided blondes. Well, not so much avoided them; Mark doesn't really avoid any women. It's ironic though, because the reason he always cited was some naive idea about the substance and depth of blondes, but when he finally falls for a girl with those qualities, she's blonde." Addison laughed at her own observation. "Anyway, the first day that he picked her to be his intern, he had every intention of laying her, but it became clear to him pretty fast that she wasn't going to be that easy. You know, she absolutely refused to get him his bone-dry cappuccino and blueberry scone, which in the retelling he referred to as 'criminal.'" Addison tried to stifle a laugh at the memory. "When she finally agreed to run his errand, she told him that doing so didn't mean she respected him and that if he wanted to be respected, he'd have to do something worth respecting. It was then, I think, that he fell just a little bit for her. He's been falling ever since, it's just taken him this long to realize it."
"He told you all this?" Meredith asked uncertainly.
"We're friends," Addison said in tone that indicated her own surprise at their relationship. "But don't you see? That's love at first sight. It was when he finally saw her, I mean, really saw her that he fell in love. It didn't happen in the blink of an eye, though his realization of his feelings might have."
Meredith was thoughtful. What Addison said made sense to her, but her concern for Izzie overrode both her understanding and her fear of offending. She just had to know. In an apologetic voice, she began, "Now I'm not trying to accuse him of anything, like I said, I honestly like Mark, but how do you know he didn't make that stuff up? That this isn't some elaborate ploy just to, you know."
"Mark's not like that. He doesn't lie to get someone into bed. Probably because he's never had to, still, that's not the point. Yes, he's taken a lot of women to bed with him, but he's never misled them, at least not intentionally. He's upfront about what he wants. Perhaps the reason he's hurt girls' feelings is that he assumes they want the same thing he does. He's gotten used to women coming to him for comfort sex. I'm guilty of that charge."
"That still doesn't explain why he treated her like crap."
"Some of it, I think, was his twisted idea of flirting. Sex, he understands. Love, not so much. He enjoys pushing her. Apparently, he gets some satisfaction in knowing that he can get her so worked up."
"Look, I think he'll be good for her and I think he's ready for this. But if she so much as sheds one single tear over him, I'm holding you responsible for making me feel responsible."
"Fair enough." Addison sounded unworried.
Satisfied with what she'd learned, Meredith asked, "You have any particular date in mind?"
"No, I think it's too soon to set the specifics. We'll have to play it by ear for now."
"Okay, that works. So… how is Alex?"
Addison mumbled something.
"I can see you blushing through the phone," Meredith teased.
"Shut up. I really have to go now, I have a consult…"
"With Alex?" Meredith giggled and Addison embarrassedly hung up without responding.
"Stevens, what are you doing here? Your shift ended over an hour ago." Bailey looked stern.
"I know, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to spend some time here, volunteering," Izzie's smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Lord knows I could use volunteers, but don't you have somewhere you'd rather be? You're a slave to this hospital enough as it is."
"Thanks for your concern, but I really need to be here today." Miranda's eyes softened. "I miss him."
"Well, okay then. Let's get you a patient." Miranda handed her a chart and pointed her in the direction of one of the beds. She turned around to grab a chart for herself and was caught by surprise.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to volunteer," Mark answered nonchalantly.
"Uh-huh. I just had this conversation not five seconds ago." Her eyes followed his line of vision to Izzie, who was drawing a blood sample. "You aren't corrupting my intern are you? I've already had to witness Grey, Yang, and most recently Karev's demise, and I'm not eager to see Stevens fall down the same hole." He wasn't really listening, which did not go unnoticed by Bailey. So, with her hand on her hip, she demanded in a less than patient tone, "Did you hear what I said?"
"Yes," he lied, turning to her. "You do realize you are only a resident and I'm an attending?"
"This is my clinic. And if you're volunteering, then I will be your boss." He smiled sexily. "Nope, none of that. I don't want to see any of that arrogant 'I'm so steamy with my facial hair and my blue eyes and my cocky smirk, everyone should just bow to my will' nonsense."
Mark laughed, "Bailey."
"Look, you wanna volunteer. Go right ahead. Grab a chart. But I don't want you to say a word to Stevens, do you understand me, not one word." He took a chart without a sound of protest. "Good," Bailey said and hurried over to her patient, muttering something about the McLabeled male attendings at Seattle Grace.
When Bailey had forbidden him to speak a word to Izzie, he'd seriously considered leaving. But he wanted to be around her and she was here, so he had nowhere else to go.
Between working on his patients, he'd look over at her and watch her work. Her brows furrowed in concentration, her reassuring smile and gentle gestures, every movement she made fascinated him.
She felt eyes on her, but she refused to believe they were his. However, when she looked up and met his gaze, her fear was confirmed. She looked quickly away, but after that moment her hands wouldn't steady. She felt like every move she made was under scrutiny and it made her nervous. After struggling through her sixth patient she couldn't take it anymore. Marching over to where he was, she demanded, "Stop looking at me."
Mark's eyes widened. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't pretend that he wasn't looking at her. He even knew that she knew, which had thrilled him even more than just observing her. He didn't want to refuse her, but he also didn't want to stop looking at her. He wasn't even sure it was physically possible.
"I can't think when you're watching me."
"Do I make you nervous?" Though he asked out of sincere curiosity, the tone of his voice made his question sound taunting.
"Yes. And not because I care what you think about me, I don't."
"Why then?"
"I don't know," she admitted freely. "But you have to stop."
If she was going to be honest, he was going to try as well, "I can't."
She screwed up her face, "Why the hell not?"
"I don't know! It's like you're that shiny blue light and I'm that stupid fly."
"What?" She was so confused.
"I can't stop staring because you're all I think about. All night. All day. Everyday. I can't get you out of my head. And the scariest thing is that I don't want to."
Bailey spotted Mark, "Oh no, he is NOT." She was in between the pair in an instant. "What did I say to you?"
Mark just tilted his head and looked at her in tired aggravation. "I'm going."
"That's what I thought." As Mark walked away, Bailey turned to Izzie and with gentle force said, "You too."
"But I…"
"You have been here plenty long." Izzie looked at her watch and couldn't believe it'd been 4 hours. "Go home, get some rest and I'll see you for rounds in the morning." Izzie nodded.
"Thanks for this. I needed to feel him around me today. I needed to remember."
"You'll always remember," Bailey tried to comfort her.
"Sometimes," her voice fell, "Sometimes, I fear that I'm forgetting. I catch myself, feeling happy, like none of this happened. Like there isn't something missing in my life."
"Stop punishing yourself. You don't have to feel guilty forever. I know you do now, but when you have those moments when life seems okay again, enjoy them. Don't deny yourself this life. He wouldn't want you to stop living." Bailey patted Izzie's hands and let hers rest atop Izzie's for a few moments before moving back to help the next patient.
Izzie sighed. As she walked out she caught sight of the elevator doors closing and ran to catch a ride. Made it! But her relief turned to agony when she saw that the only other occupant was none other than Mark Sloan. She quickly turned her back to him and went to punch the first floor button, but stopped, seeing it was already lit.
Mark had taken a step forward and was standing disconcertingly close.
"It's Derek and Meredith's thing." His breath warmed her skin.
"What is?" He asked as he leaned forward to kiss the sensitive skin on the back of her neck.
"Moments in elevators. It's their thing."
He mumbled something against her neck. She stepped forward, putting space between them.
"Why won't you let me kiss you?"
"Why do you want to kiss me? You know I don't want you to. You know it can't lead anywhere." She turned around to face him. "So I have to ask, why?"
"I already told you, I want you. And I hope that you want me too."
Her eyes grew large and sad, "I can't. I…"
He stepped forwarded and folded her into his arms. "Shhh…" he whispered into her hair as she sobbed against his chest.
With every anguished cry she exhaled, his heart broke a little bit more. "I wanted to wait to tell you," he apologized. "But I couldn't. You asked and I couldn't give you any other answer. I couldn't lie. I couldn't pretend any longer."
Her crying grew in volume with every word he whispered.
"I'm sorry. I know, I know you can't," he tried to sooth her, rubbing circles across her back.
Suddenly her lips were on his in a fury of hungry kisses. For a moment he let himself imagine that she really wanted him; he gave her a moment, just a moment of comfort, a moment without thought, before pulling back. "You don't want this. You can't do this and neither can I. I can't mean nothing to you. Let me take you home."
As she got out of the car, she glanced briefly up to meet his eyes. He tilted his head to one side, encouraging her. The feeling in her gut, a mixture of shame and misery, wasn't alleviated by this gesture, but she forced herself to speak anyway. "Thank you for not… just thanks. And I'm sor…"
He cut off her apology, "Don't. You have nothing to be sorry about. I knew you weren't ready and I put this on your shoulders anyway, I'm just as much to blame as you."
She felt her heart break all over again, except this time it was for a different man. Everything he'd said, everything he'd done was wonderful. If circumstances were different, if the timing wasn't what it was, she wouldn't be getting out of his car and leaving him in it.
Although she felt truly foolish for her desperate actions in the elevator, she found herself conflicted over how to feel about the event in its entirety. His reaction wasn't what she would have guessed. If it had all been a test, which would have been so much easier than the reality of the situation, she thought wryly, he would have passed. His gentlemanly response had revealed something about himself to her. Though the puzzle of his character was made more complicated, she felt like she knew him a little bit better. And so, despite the sickening feeling that wrenched her insides at the memory of that kiss, she couldn't truly regret the incident itself.
A/N: Sorry I spent so much time not on Mark and Izzie, but the Meredith/Addison plotting needed to be furthered, though there's still some mystery in it I hope. Also, if you haven't noticed, in this Meredith is a little more cheery than she has been recently on GA. There are multiple reasons for this, one - I don't like that in the real GA she never gets a break to be happy, two – Mark/Izzie could be considered her next project after Cristina/Burke, and the third reason isn't really a secret, but it will appear in the story later and I'd prefer not to give anything away (or tie myself down to any particulars just in case I change my mind). While I'm here I might as well mention that I started writing this story before the finale and so while it is mostly consistent with GA (with the minor exemptions mentioned at the beginning) it doesn't included the finale, which is mainly to say the Bang wedding didn't fail, in this story the wedding isn't even in progress and may or may not be addressed.
I've written up to chapter 7 now, though I still have some editing to do, so I'll hopefully be able to get chapters up more quickly – I'm done house-sitting on Saturday, so expect to see the next one then.
Also, I want to shout out to a few specific reviewers, though I love you all:
Ninde Ancalime: You totally got what I trying to imply about love at first sight! When I read your review I was so relieved that it made sense to people. In this chapter I decided to spell it out a little more clearly – or as clearly as possible considering that love is messy and always complicated.
E.B. Rowling: Thanks so much for your consistent reviewing! But could you be a little more specific when you say that something isn't written well? Is there any specific points I could work on to improve? I'm not trying to be defensive (I'm always afraid that people read things like this in a different way than I'm thinking them). BTW, love the pen-name!
Loveletters700: Anything more I can do to convince you to ship McStizzie? Hehe… To be honest, it truly surprises me that more people don't; some are even surprised at the idea of the pairing. I keep asking myself if I was the only one who watched the scene when Izzie refused to fetch his coffee and then later taught him about respect or the one where they were both in surgery and there was that line, something like "it looks good doesn't, it?" which had less to do with the surgery than the people performing it, I'm sure. I really thought that was where the writers were headed, so it was a real slap in the face when they Gizzie-d me.
JustMe-xo: Thanks for all the kind words! I always look forward to your reviews, they put me in the best writing mood. Seriously, I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot for an entire day after I read one of them.
Amnesie: I'm totally flattered that you're reviewing my story! I'd been a closet fan of An Unforeseen Truth before I became a member of this site. When I saw your name on a review, I was a little star-struck. I've just started reading your other stuff and it's just as amazing – The Five Things is one of the most original and creative pieces I've ever read. I'll be posting a review soon!