Oil and Water, Part IV: Morale Boosting
"So why aren't you holed up in Edge making kids of your own with Tifa?"
Cloud nearly spit out the chunk of meat that had lodged in his throat. When he was done coughing, he considered glaring at Yuffie but gave up after a moment's consideration. It was just too much effort to keep the scowl her presence drew out permanently plastered across his face.
"It's none of your business. Lay off it, Yuffie."
"Oh, I haven't even started laying it on yet!" Yuffie told him gleefully, leaning forward with a terrifying glint in her eye. "Is it 'cause you're still in love with Aeris?"
He winced at the mention of her name, but thankfully the breeze didn't pick up. It seemed Yuffie's presence was considered enough of "connection" to the rest of the world that she was leaving him alone for the moment. That, or Yuffie's powers of annoyance were extending to mystical proportions.
"No," he decided to answer her honestly. Perhaps answering her questions bluntly would kill her curiosity more quickly. "It's not because of Aeris. It's just that Tifa... she..." He stopped, trying to find a way to diplomatically form the rest of his sentence.
Yuffie stepped into fill the blank. "...her boobs are too big? Because y'know I totally heard there's this new operation you can get that would -"
"It's not about Tifa's chest!" Cloud cut her off, reddening slightly. He grimaced and rubbed his forehead, trying to stall the headache that was forming behind his eyes. "It's the kids."
"Marlene and Denzel?" Yuffie frowned. "I thought you liked them." Her frown deepened. "Oh boy, y'know, you better not let Barret hear you talkin' like that. He'll kick your ass -"
"I do like them," Cloud said hastily. Not that he actually feared the repercussions if wind of this conversation should ever reach Barret's ears. No, it just that he didn't want to have to face the possibility of sitting down to have a heart-to-heart with a tearful Barret, who was currently trying to get in touch with his "feminine" side - an effort which Tifa had revealed to Cloud with her full approval and more than one weighted look in his direction.
"At least, I like Marlene." Yuffie peered at him. "... and Denzel," he managed to say. "But it's more than just those two. They..." He gestured helplessly at the air before him. "They're everywhere," he finally said, exasperated. "I don't want a big family. I don't even know if I want kids. But Tifa already has both."
Yuffie snorted indelicately. "See, that's your problem. You're getting all bent out of shape trying to figure out how to treat them as children. What you fail to realize is that they're a viable workforce at your beck and call!" She grinned cheekily at him. "I mean, come on, they worship the ground you walk on! All you have to do is drop a word or two here and there, and they'd be running this delivery business for you with practically no overhead!"
Cloud stared at Yuffie, who raised an eyebrow. "What?" she asked defensively.
"I'm not going to turn Tifa's orphanage into a sweatshop," he finally ground out.
"Your loss," Yuffie shrugged. She popped a piece of meat into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. "So..." - here she swallowed noisily - "What you really mean is you don't like kids." A pause. "Umm... isn't that kind of a problem, what with Tifa running the orphanage and all?"
He said nothing, simply ducking his head in shame. He knew Tifa was good to him; he knew she deserved better than his constant evasiveness and stunted emotional growth. But still -
"I bet it's 'cause you were messed up as a kid." Yuffie stared at him intently, and then began to nod to herself. "Yep, it's the hair. And that spacey look you're always getting on your face. Couldn't have been a good combination. The other kids made fun of you, right?"
He sunk into a morose silence.
"Wait, you mean I'm right? You were the town nerd? The buck-toothed kid? The one everyone makes fun of?"
More silence.
"YES! Reeve owes me 20 gil now! Oh, uh, I probably shouldn'tve said that out loud, huh? Oh well!"
Cloud threw the last of his meal into the fire disgustedly. "Thanks, Yuffie. Thank you so much for bringing it up." He flopped backwards into the sand and pointedly turned his back towards her, scowling.
"Oh, come on, Spike," Yuffie told him with a laugh. "You need to lighten up. Don't you know everyone had a messed up childhood?"
Cloud remained silent, but he did roll onto his back and peer at Yuffie from the corner of his eye.
She was smirking at him, waving a piece of limpid worm meat in his direction as she spoke. "I mean come on! First with Shinra, then the Wutainese war? And then Sephiroth, and Meteor? Oh, and don't forget the three stooges or Deep Ground, right?" She smirked at him. "I don't think any kid's going to be normal for the next decade or so. We're all a little crazy in the head. It's practically normal!"
That wasn't making him feel better, though what she was saying did make a twisted kind of sense. If the world was intrinsically fucked up, it was no wonder it produced fucked up people like himself. Or better yet, Yuffie. Yep, there wasn't really a better definition of Fucked Up than a Wutainese Princess who made her living by thieving and suffered delusions of grandeur regularly. Cloud sat up, somewhat mollified by the comparison. At least he had the mother of all excuses for his own anti-social behaviour. Yuffie was just certifiably disturbed from birth.
"Besides, we did save the world... how many times was it now? Three? Four? I kinda lost count after that whole Weiss thing."
Uncharacteristically, Cloud felt prompted to agree. "That's it. That's really it," he admitted, unable to keep the ire from bubbling out of him. "That's why I don't want to be famous or popular or even social. Every time something goes wrong, they call me. Cloud, the world needs saving! Cloud, Sephiroth's back, could you kill him again? Cloud, we need you to cure Geostigma! Cloud, some crazy genetically engineered woman with an accent wants to kill you!" He swiped a hand through his hair and let out a low groan. "I mean, shit. Don't these people realize a guy can get tired of saving the world after a while? All I really wanted out of life was a cold beer, a fast car, a nice looking girlfriend and a place to put my feet up."
Yuffie peered at him unsympathetically. "Hey Cloud, y'know, three out of four isn't all that bad." She sniffed. "Besides, technically speaking, you didn't save the world that last time. That was all Vincent."
Cloud grunted irately; if one listened closely, the noise might have sounded suspiciously like "I could've Omnislashed that." Being compared to a guy who was technically dead and almost forty years his senior wasn't exactly good for his self-confidence.
"But y'know, Cloud, it's not like running away will help with anything. Take it from the master," she said easily, thumbing her chest. "No matter how hard I try, Reeve always finds me."
Cloud scowled at her. "Who said I was running away? Just because I don't like being who I am doesn't mean I'd shirk my responsibility to the rest of the world." He was stopped by Yuffie's indignant snort.
"Oh please. Look who's all full of himself now," she said caustically. "Maybe I should call you Mopey instead of Spike, because you aren't fooling anyone!" She gestured at the dark outline of Fenrir behind them both. "You got the fast car and the pretty girl, and you could pick up a cold beer at the next truck stop." She pointed at him. "The only reason you don't have a place to put your feet up is 'cause you don't wanna settle. If this delivery business of yours isn't running away, then I'm a golden chocobo." She stuck her tongue out at him. "So quit complain' about how much your life sucks already. Geez, you really just need to pull your big fat spiked head out of your ass."
She finally wound down, breathing heavily through her nostrils, and Cloud stared at her in shock.
"Are you finished yet?" he finally asked after a beat of silence.
Yuffie exhaled heavily. "Yeah, I think so."