Title: If It Means A lot To You
Author: Britnybella
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Just love the characters.
Summary: The one that got away. We've all heard the cliché. For Nathan Scott, it's more than that. He never expected to fall in love with her that summer. Or break her heart. Now years later, unexpected events will cause him to have to finally face her.
Authors note: Thanks for hanging in there with me guys. I know it's been a long time since my last update. Sorry! I really struggled with this chapter. And I'm sure it won't be the last time that happens. But I do promise to continue writing, even if it takes me a while to get the updates out. Thanks again to everyone who has read and/or reviewed. Please keep it coming. Helps me stay motivated.
Chapter 4 – Ignite The Light And Let It Shine
**That Summer**
"Nathan, where are we going?" Haley giggles, and then hiccups in her slightly inebriated state as Nathan tugs her along the steadily darkening shoreline. He stops for a moment to look down at her and a small chuckle escapes his lips. Even in her slightly disheveled state she was still adorable.
Nathan had managed to swipe exactly one Bud Light each for them at his dad's massive 4th of July party that was held near the pier each summer. And while Nathan only felt a slight buzz from his due to the fact that he had been drinking pretty consistently since freshman year, it was obvious that Haley was a light weight. She wasn't quite smashed but she was definitely on her way.
"You don't drink much do you?"
"Actually—"She starts and then lowers her voice as if she's telling him a secret. "I don't drink at all."
Nathan scoffs without meaning to. "You mean this is the first time you've ever drank?"
"Yup." She states and grins up at him as if she's proud of herself, her hand resting on his shoulder for support. Meanwhile Nathan continues to stare at her in disbelief once again realizing just how different he and Haley really were.
He had been drinking heavily for as long as he could remember—especially during his Junior and Senior year at parties— hooking up with random girls on a regular basis and sliding through school without much effort due to the fact he was the star of his high school basketball team back in Charlotte.
Haley on the other hand had opted to keep her nose in the books, working hard to be at the top of her class so that she could score a full scholarship. Coming from a family with 8 kids, and being the youngest at that, she was looking at no other way to pay for college than to get there on her own. Any free time she did have was donated to many different charitable causes—Tutoring underprivileged kids, feeding the homeless, organizing the annual toy drive in Tree Hill.
The girl was a fucking saint, and it only reminded Nathan of just how unworthy he was of the goddess standing before him. Not once in his life had he felt inferior to anyone, thanks in large part to the fact that he had spent most of his childhood living with his grandparents. They were the closest thing Charlotte, North Carolina had to royalty, and were treated as such.
But Haley made him feel like he wasn't good enough just by being who she was. And it confused the hell out of him, because he had never exactly been concerned with his moral fiber before.
He was surprised to find that it didn't upset him though; it only made him want to be a better person. More specifically, the kind of person who deserved a girl like her. She made him want to be… different. No one before her had ever evoked those kind of feelings in him.
"Lucas is going to kill us when he finds us." Haley murmurs, her head now resting on his chest.
"Well, then we're just going to have to make sure he doesn't find us." Nathan smirks and grabs her hand to continue down the beach.
They make it within a couple hundred feet of the beach house before Haley tugs back on his hand.
"Wait. Wait. I need to sit. Down. For a minute." She says as she slumps down into the sand pulling Nathan along with her. He gathers her in his lap and hands her the water bottle he swiped from the bonfire. She smiles at him gratefully as she takes a long sip.
Settling back into his chest, she lets her head fall back on his shoulder lazily so that she can stare up into the night sky. She's quiet, but continues sip at the water slowly.
After a few moments she sighs.
"You know, I don't think one can really grasp how small and insignificant we are until you stare up into the sky. I mean when I look up there I realize that there's a whole infinite universe out there and in the scheme of things— I amount to a grain of sand."
She suddenly sounds sad, wistful almost and Nathan sweeps her hair away from her bare shoulder to gently place a kiss there. She sighs as she tilts her head to the side, exposing more of her creamy flesh to him. He kisses along where the string to her bikini top connects with her skin, and then continues up towards her jaw line.
"Haley James, you couldn't be insignificant if you tried. The way you feel when you look at that sky is the way I feel when I look at you. You're the closest thing to perfect I've ever seen. You intimidate the hell out of me."
He chuckles and she turns to look at him, trying to read something in his face but he couldn't figure out what she was looking for. "You're quite the charmer, Scott."
A small smile tugs at her lips. "But I can't say I wasn't warned."
He frowns slightly. "What do you mean?"
Haley rolls her eyes and chuckles dryly. "Lucas was sure to forewarn me about your man whore ways. He told me I should stay away from you unless I wanted to get hurt."
Nathan immediately tenses, his fists clenching in Haley's lap. "What the hell? I can't believe my own brother—"
She turns to place a finger to his lips, forcing him to end his rant. "Lucas loves you, Nathan. You know he has your back. But I'm like his little sister. He was just trying to look out for me."
He thinks about her words for a moment, and then finally sighs as the tension slowly exits his body. If he was being honest with himself, he really couldn't blame Lucas for warning Haley about him. His track record, especially with girls, had been anything but squeaky clean and Lucas had seen it first hand on more than one occasion. In fact Lucas had been downright disgusted with his brother's behavior.
Lucas had always been a one woman kind of guy— hell he had been dating Brooke since sophomore year. Not only that, he had not once cheated on the girl. Nathan constantly teased his brother on the subject, not understanding why a person would willingly choose to be with just one girl when he could have whoever he wanted whenever he felt like it. No strings attached.
Relationships were too much work, especially when you had to pretend to give a shit when in reality you just wanted to get laid. Nathan Scott's personal motto had always been something along the lines of "Love em and leave em".
"That's not love little brother. One day when you find it you'll understand, because you'll never want to let it go."
Nathan had scoffed at this idea. "You realize you sound like a pussy whipped bitch right?"
Nathan had been sure that "love", the kind that Lucas was describing anyways, was just some made up notion. A bullshit idea that pathetic people bought into. There was a price for everything in this world, no ones love was unconditional.
And yet here she was. The girl who was making him question everything he thought he knew, everything he thought he WAS.
"You know that's not how it is with you, right?"
She settles back against his chest and he wraps his arms around her waist, his cheek coming to rest on top of her head.
"I know."
Just then, a kaleidoscope of colors burst open and lit up the night sky over the ocean.
"The fireworks!" She squeals and claps her hands together. He laughs and pulls her closer to him.
They sat captivated by the night sky. The beach was completely dark. The only light illuminating the night other than the bonfire, which was just a small orb of glowing light down by the pier, was the bursts of color in the sky. The moon was small in the sky, and the ocean was an inky jet black. All was quiet other than the thunderous sounds of the fireworks being ignited.
The moment felt surreal, like they were the last two people in the world. And as he watched her stare at night sky, eyes wide with childlike wonder—the greens and reds and purples dancing on her skin—he came to the realization that if she were the only person in HIS world he would feel like the luckiest person alive.
"Nathan?"
"Yeah, baby."
Her small fingers snake into his as he kisses her temple. "Tell me something— something that no one else knows."
"You snore in your sleep. I can hear it through the walls at night. It's like a freaking bulldozer—"
"Nathan Scott, I do not snore!" Her face turns red with embarrassment and she begins to swat at him playfully. He ducks his head and blocks the blows with his forearms.
"Alright, alright! I'm just joking!"
"Haha, very funny." She retorts dryly, but then giggles, unable to keep up her façade of being angry for very long. He gives her his signature smirk and plants a soft kiss on her lips.
"I'm serious though." She says quietly.
"Okay." At the sound of resignation in his voice she turns to face him, her smooth tan legs resting on either side of his hips.
The position is far to intimate and he has to fight to keep the images of what he would like to be doing to her out of his head. It was no easy task, especially when she looked like she did.
Her weight rested on her palms, which were spread out behind her. Her long dark waves fluttered around her face as if in a quiet dance. Every inch of her skin was tan and glowing, and plenty was exposed. All she wore was a bikini top and a pair of tiny white shorts.
At the moment, he was imagining removing those tiny white shorts with nothing but his teeth.
Fuck.
He shakes his head to clear the thoughts and prays to god she doesn't notice the tent that's suddenly appeared in his board shorts.
"Umm, okay. " He starts again when the fog in his brain finally starts to dissipate.
There was only one thing he could clearly remember from his childhood that he had never shared with anyone. His grandfather had been a proud man, a real hard ass, and one thing he had always drilled into Nathan's head was to never show weakness.
Tears over the daddy that didn't want you were a weakness. And he wasn't allowed to do it, he wasn't allowed to cry.
"As a kid I spent most of my time with my grandparents. Dan had never been in my life and my mom traveled most of the year for her job. My grandparents never really talked about Dan, and even if I asked about him they would just brush it off. I didn't even have a picture of my father."
Nathan pauses for a moment.
"I never thought about it much though. I mean you can't miss something you never had right?"
He shrugs it off as if the memory doesn't bother him but his eyes betray the hurt and abandonment he felt. Haley's heart breaks for him and she leans forward to take one of his hands into her own.
"Well, when I was 10 our school decided to host a father/son basketball game. It was supposed to be fun. My uncle Coop was supposed to play in it with me, and I was so damn excited I don't think I slept for a week."
Nathan chuckles at the memory as he absentmindedly plays with a strand of her dark hair.
"The day before the game we were all talking about it at school. I mentioned something about my Uncle Coop and this kid Jason got in my face and told me that I didn't have a dad so I couldn't play in the game. He said I was a bastard and that my dad didn't want me."
Haley's sympathetic eyes reach his own and she lifts a hand to palm his cheek.
"After that, I refused to go back. I pitched a fit until my grandparents agreed to let me switch schools. I never told anyone what happened, not even my uncle Coop. From that day forward I never let anyone know that I didn't have a father. I would make up stories about my dad— who he was, where he had been, why he wasn't around."
Nathan clenches his fists in the sand. He hated the fact that he was still affected by it all. It made him feel so…weak.
"I was just so ashamed." He finishes as Haley wraps her arms around his neck.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that baby." She whispers in his ear as he pulls her closer to him, reveling in the feel of her warm body pressed tightly against his own. Her lips find his and she kisses him softly, her tongue flicking out lazily to graze his bottom lip. He deepens the kiss for a moment then finally pulls away to look at her.
"Ok, your turn. Tell me something no one else knows."
"Well." She blushes and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. He noticed she always did that when she was embarrassed. "I play piano, and I like to write my own music. Since I was a little girl I've always had this dream of being a singer, of going on tour and seeing a million people singing along to my songs."
Blushing again she turns away, realizing how ridiculous she sounds.
Way to go, James. Now he really thinks you're pathetic.
"I know it's a really stupid dream."
"Hey." He whispers as he cups her chin in his palm and guides her face back towards his own. "There are no stupid dreams, only ones that haven't come true yet."
She gives him one of those sparkling Haley James smiles and rests her forehead against his so that they are staring into each others eyes. "Thanks for not thinking I'm a dork."
"Hey now, I never said I didn't think you were a dork I mean—"
"You charm me with your wit, Scott." She interrupts him and he responds with a smug smile. She returns his smile as she digs her cold toes into his side until he yelps.
"Kidding!"
He chuckles as he waves his hands in defeat and she finally drops her feet back to the sand with a satisfied smirk on her pretty features.
"So are you any good?"
She contemplates this for a moment then shrugs. "I don't know. I've never played for anyone but myself."
He nods, but his expression is thoughtful. After a few minutes his face lights up with a smile. He grabs her hand and pulls her to her feet.
"I have an idea."
He starts pulling her towards the darkened beach house but she tugs back, confused.
"What do you mean you have an idea?"
He turns towards her and gathers her hands in his own. He flashes one of those genuine Nathan Scott smiles and she just about melts. He could get her to do damn near anything when he smiled at her like that.
"There's a piano up at the beach house. I want you to play for me."
Except that.
"Nathan, I can't! I've never even let Lucas hear any of my music!"
Her eyes are wide with panic and he pulls her in for a hug.
"It's just me Haley. You've got to start somewhere right? If you can't sing in front of me how are you ever going to play in front of those millions? Your dream, remember?" His tone is gentle and encouraging. He wants to be as supportive as possible, but he also wants to know that she cares about him enough to share something this private with him.
He knows he feels that way about her, otherwise he never would have told her the story about his childhood. He had never even told Lucas that story, and they shared the same absent father and had been through all the same things growing up.
He wanted her acceptance so badly; he wanted to feel like a real part of her life.
"What if I suck? Then I won't have a dream anymore." She whispers into his t-shirt. He lifts her chin, bringing her eyes to meet his. She's on the verge of tears, the sheen of moisture evident in her eyes.
And yet she's never looked more beautiful. His thumb grazes her cheek and he smiles down at her.
"I bet you're amazing. Everything you do is amazing."
She smiles back but her forehead is still wrinkled with doubt. She's scared. And she has a right to be. He's asking her to share something that she's never shared with anyone, not even her best friend. All because of her fear.
"Do you trust me?"
In that moment, the look of vulnerability on his face stops her dead in her tracks. He wasn't just asking her to sing for him. He was asking her to trust him with this, to share her life and her secrets with him. He flashes a shy smile, the unsure look in his eyes begging her to open up to him.
Not once had she seen Nathan Scott unsure of him self. Not once had he shown one ounce of vulnerability.
And yet here he was. Bearing it all to her. Trusting her.
She finally looks up. Taking his cheek in her hand, she smiles at him.
"I trust you, Nathan."
He grins back like a little kid on Christmas morning and continues tugging her up the beach to the house. And as they make their way through the dark she realizes that she does trust him. More than he knows.
So much that it scares the shit out of her.