Chapter 4

As the elevator doors closed behind her JJ sighed heavily. She was completely drained. She didn't remember ever feeling this exhausted, even in the tiring moths after Henry had been born. She felt almost as if she was floating outside of her body and was observing her life through a heavy fog. As the elevator reached the parking garage she wondered briefly whether she should actually be driving, but just as quickly put her concerns aside when she realised that any other option would involve her going back up to the BAU.

She walked to her car, dropped her bag on the passenger seat and sat herself in the driving seat. Remembering at the last minute to clip in her seat belt, she started the car and drove out of the garage. She was so used to making the journey between home and work now that she could practically do it with her eyes closed, so she let her mind wander slightly as she drove.

Handing Hotch her letter of resignation had been one of the hardest things she had ever had to do, but it had definitely been the right decision for her to make. She was grateful that Hotch had been able to give her some extra thinking time, but she was pretty sure that nothing was going to change in the next month. She realised that she had reached the end of her ability to cope and she would do anything to make sure she never felt this way again, even if it meant cutting herself off from the people who, up to 2 months ago, had meant everything to her.

She was shocked out of her thoughts by the sound of a car horn which sounded dangerously close. She snapped out of her reverie and desperately pulled at the steering wheel as she realised that the horn was directed at her. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she had drifted slowly into the wrong lane and was now facing oncoming traffic. Heart beating rapidly in panic, she swerved quickly back into the right lane, grateful that the other car had warned her in time. She immediately pulled over onto the side of the road and turned the engine off, collapsing against the steering wheel and breathing heavily. She really needed to get a grip on herself if she didn't want to leave Henry without a Mom. She worried that, although this incident had been completely unintentional, there had been times in the last few weeks when she had fleetingly considered 'accidentally' injuring herself in an effort to avoid work. She had obviously not done anything about it, and now that she had been so close to it actually happening she realised that it wasn't what she wanted, but she had some very clear memories of being stood at the top of her stairs at home wondering what would happen if she 'fell' down and hurt herself. This scared her more than she could possibly say.

She sighed shakily and sat back against her seat, working hard to control her emotions. This was a warning shot to her. She knew she needed to take the time that Hotch had given to get her life back together. She needed to swallow her pride and really talk to someone about how she had been feeling and to at least see if she could work things out with her friends.

Breathing deeply, she turned the engine back on and pulled back into traffic, careful to keep her mind entirely on driving. It was another 20 minutes before she finally pulled into her driveway and was able to step out of her car and walk into her house. She tiredly walked into her front room, pulling out her phone so that she could set the alarm to wake her in time to pick up Henry from day care. Dropping her phone on a small table, she practically fell onto the couch. She kicked her shoes off and pulled a blanket on top of herself. Within minutes she had dropped into an exhausted sleep.

She was woken hours later by the ringing of her phone. She blearily reached over to the table and grabbed it, checking the caller ID before answering.

"Emily?" she answered questioningly.

"Hey Jayje" Emily replied. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better" JJ replied honestly.

"I'm sorry" Emily said genuinely. "I wish I'd…"

"You have nothing to apologise for" JJ interrupted firmly.

"I think we both know that's not true Jayje" Emily answered sardonically. "This whole sorry mess started with me."

"You've already apologised for that "JJ said sincerely, "and you have been the only thing keeping my head above water for the last few months."

"It wasn't enough though, was it?" Emily responded dejectedly. "I was wondering whether I could come over to see you?"

"I…" JJ started, slightly unsure.

"I totally understand if you want to be on your own tonight" Emily interrupted, "but I was thinking that I could pick Henry up from day care so that you didn't have to drive all the way back to Quantico. I could grab some take out on the way and then I could either stay, if you wanted, or I could just leave you and Henry on your own. What do you think?"

"You don't have to do that Emily" JJ said, considering her response.

"I feel like I do" Emily said firmly.

"That would be great" JJ said, thinking back to her moment of realisation earlier. She needed to talk to someone and Emily seemed like the perfect person. "I'll need to call the day care centre and tell them you're coming."

"That's fine" Emily said. "It's five o'clock he finishes, isn't it?"

JJ answered in the affirmative and they quickly made the necessary arrangements so that JJ could hang up and call Henry's day care. She easily made provision for Emily to pick up her son, before checking the time and realising that she had nearly two hours before they would be arriving home. She listlessly turned the TV on and flicked through, finding an old black and white film to watch. It was a matter of minutes though before she fell asleep again.