The Reason I love him: Haruka Version!
Author's Note: Contains hints of spoilers, if you never went through the game, you probably won't understand it.
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Original Game: Little Busters Ecstasy
Original Concept: Key
Written by: wrathie
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I am, a girl that shouldn't have been born.
Yes I am.
I should not have been born.
I should not have existed.
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Yes, I do not deserve to live.
I, should not be alive today.
Yet I am here.
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So why am I here for?
I know the answer to that very well.
I am here, because, I am myself.
Yes, I am here, because I am myself, because I am Saigusa Haruka.
That's who I am.
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A person who is energetic, a person who creates trouble.
A person who is unpredictable.
That is who I am, Saigusa Haruka.
But, because I am who I am.
I do not like myself.
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Yes, I loathe myself.
Why am I here?
Why am I born?
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I ask myself that, so many, many times.
Why am I the one who had 'lost'?
Why am I the one who have to suffer?
Why am I the most unfortunate person in the world?
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Why, why, why?
So I hate myself.
And I hate her.
Yes, I hate her.
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Why must she exists and why must I exist too?
Do I exist just to balance the cycle of fortune?
Must I always have the worst of the draw?
Why must she always have the better half of my life?
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Why? Why? Why?
I ask myself all that. I, Saigusa Haruka.
But please, do not call me that.
Call me Haruka.
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I am, only Haruka.
Not Saigusa Haruka.
Who needs a family name like that?
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Go ahead, hate me, mock me, kick me out of line…
I dirty you don't I?
Just by accidentally brushing against you…
I dirty you and your clothes.
Yes, so what about it?
My father was an ex-con.
Is that wrong?
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So, who is wrong?
Am I wrong to be born?
So… I am wrong to be born.
I should have died.
I should have been, eradicated… so that I would not shame the family name.
Is that it?
Is that all that I am living for?
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To be your punching bag?
No, that is not enough is it?
I am here to be mocked by you, to have everything taken from me.
My Riki, MY RIKI HAVE TO BE TAKEN FROM YOU?
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No, anything but that!
You cannot take anything more from me…
Or so I thought.
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You pulled your hardest prank one me…
Taking… Riki from me…
Stop smiling at me!
Stop looking down at me!
Stop it! Stop humiliating me in front of him!
Stop! JUST STOP IT!
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Why, why must I go through all this?
Why must all the unfortunate things happen to me?
I am the princess, waiting to be rescued by my prince, Riki…
So why, why are you getting in my way?
Why are you stopping me from being rescued?
Why, tell me why…
Why, won't you answer me? Why do you look at me with that sneer on your face?
Is it because you 'won'?
Is that it?
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Yes, I made trouble for you.
Yes, I disgraced our family name.
Yes, I find it amusing, I find it worth it.
I find that, I do enjoy seeing you being lectured.
Yes, I love seeing you being punished and criticized because of me.
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So you are not the perfect person that you make yourself be.
You, being dragged down by me.
A person you see as filth!
I am tickled pink thinking about it~
Isn't that great, Kanata~ IHIHIHI~
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But, why do I love him?
Why do I love him, my Riki?
My Riki, who I tease everyday for being too uptight?
Why do I love him?
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I… I wanted to ask him, why he loved me.
But he wouldn't tell me…
That's mean of him.
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Is it the way he never refuses me?
Is it the way that he accepts me?
Is it the way he just… looks at me?
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Ah… Is that it? Is that why I love him?
No…
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To be truthful, it is the way; he never gave up on me.
It is the way that he never ran.
It is the way that he never once avoided me.
It is the way, he came to find me.
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He, came to find me.
Not I, went to find him.
He wanted to find me.
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I… My heart, my soul, my body… was given to him at that point of time.
I would give him my life, my soul… my spirit.
Anything to him.
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Just because he came and find me, I can give him so much?
I must be able to love anyone in this world~
But, jokes aside…
He came to find me.
Even if he lied, I rather he lied…
He came, to find me…
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He, Naoe Riki came and find me, Haruka.
To find out if I was alright…
Even when he knew that I wasn't alright.
I would never want to drag Riki down with me…
Down to where I am, in the deepest part of hell…
No, I wouldn't.
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Eheh~ I lied again~
I loved him to for… the way he accepted me.
Not for what my parents had done.
Not for what my reputation had brought me.
Not for what the others had said about me.
He accepted me, sins and all.
Trouble and all… everything about me, he accepted.
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No doubt, he would sigh before he followed me.
But, he did accept me.
He loved me for who I am, Haruka.
Not me, the one who is despised.
Not me, the one whose father is an ex-convict.
Not me, the one who brought so much trouble to everyone.
Not me, the one who had the entire school running after me.
Not me, the one who would no doubt bring him trouble.
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He loved me, for the person I am inside, Haruka.
So I love him.
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So, what went wrong?
Who was at fault in the first place?
I ask myself this every night.
I exist, not to be hated.
But I exist to hate.
That's why I exist, to hate her.
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But, what went wrong?
Why did she have to do this to me?
Did she like it? Wasn't she… once my only comfort?
So who… should I hate?
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When I knew that it wasn't her fault.
When I knew that she didn't mean it that way.
When I knew that she was forced to do it.
When I knew that she had tried to protect me.
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But so… why?
Why did she had to do this to me?
Why wouldn't she tell me?
If she didn't… this wouldn't end would it?
This endless, cruel, meaningless… and useless cycle.
It would never end..
And the cold comfort that I had.
The only, shallow, useless and pathetic hope that I had, would only drive this circle further.
When, when will it stop?
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So, was my only hope just a pathetic little wish?
A wish that I was not the one…?
That I was not the one who had shamed us all?
Was that, all I can hope for?
What about her? What about Kanata?
What was her hope?
Was there nothing at all?
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Should I hate them, the people who gave birth to me?
Should I hate her, her who made everything worse?
Or should I hate them, the ones who made everything began in the first place?
Who should I hate?
Or should I hate no one?
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I don't know… but Riki… My Riki, he might know.
After all, he is the one who stood up for me.
That too, is why I love him.
He stood up for me, he was angry for me.
I thought it was cute, the way he wanted to punch her for me.
But he shouldn't… he mustn't!
I… I love him too much for him to be dragged down by me.
There, I said it, I loved him, happy?
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I love him too, for the way he held my hand.
For the way he told me to not give up.
For the way he told me not to act strong anymore.
For the way he held my hand and gave me strength.
I can still feel his warm hand when I close my eyes…
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He was the one who made me remember what I truly wanted.
Not to hate, not to hate her or the rest of the world.
But, all I wanted was to have a place where I belong.
For someone to tell me: 'I like you.'
For someone to tell me that they like me, Haruka.
For me to tell someone: "I like you."
For me to tell someone that I like them.
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And for them to tell me..
To tell me, Haruka.
To tell the person who was deep inside me, the real me.
The person who did not wish to hate.
The one who was not overcame by my own weakness.
The person who knew the truth, the real truth, deep inside me.
The one who wished everything to end, to stop this endless cycle of hatred and mistrust.
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To tell me that: "I want to be by your side."
That's all I wanted.
What I truly, truly wanted to have.
So, that's why I like Riki, My Naoe Riki.
The Riki that I would not wish to give up to Tanaka.
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Yes, I am selfish.
Yes, perhaps I dragged him along for the ride.
Yes, perhaps in the end, it was only me who had gotten the better deal after all.
But, he loved me.
So he would understand…
That, even now, even when I am with her.
I would not forget why and how I love him…
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So let me whisper into your ear,
The one that I love
The one that saved me.
No, the one that helped me save myself.
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The one that held out a hand to me.
The one that was strong when I was weak.
The one that was weak when I was strong.
The person, who guided me along, complaining and loving me all the way.
To Naoe Riki.
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Thank you.
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Author's Notes: The hardest chapter to write so far. Even if this is a dream. Even if this is not the reality you wished for. Even if it is not real. As long as you remember, you will be happy that this dream took place.
Even if this reality is selfish. Even if it will never happen.
I still wish, that this world exists, even for a split second….