They're shoulders are touching ever so slightly as they lay in her bed, their backs propped up on the head board. He's oblivious to the thick tension that's strangling her in the chilling night air, just the way he has been every night for the past two weeks. It's become routine for them, for him to show up in her doorway in the evenings, seeking comfort from an unwise choice. They may start off talking about nothing in particular, anything to get their minds off all the problems in their lives, but it never seems to work out because at some point the conversation always stops and an awkward silence ensues…and then he brings up a subject that even though he doesn't know it, is sore for both of them…his current status with their ex.
He spills his heart out night after night to the curly headed blonde who sits and listens intently to every word he says. She locks away the broken pieces of her own battered heart because what else can she do, even the slightest indication that she wanted something more would only make things worse. He didn't need anything to complicate his life any further and she didn't need anything to make her feel more isolated than she already is…she won't lose him…she can't, because she has no one else.
"Peyton…" He stares down at her and waits until she cranes her neck and meets his gaze.
"Hmm…" She forces a smile onto her lips and she has no choice to admit that he's not quite the same boy anymore…the old Lucas would have seen through her façade…he would have known that she wasn't okay, he would have seen that she was hurting.
"Are you feeling okay…you look a little pale…"
"I'm just a little tired…haven't really been sleeping all that well…"
"Oh…I'm sorry about that…it probably doesn't help that I'm keeping you up with all my complaining every night…" No…this Lucas wasn't the boy he used to be at all…he bought her lies night after night, never actually thought about the fact that she had a different reason every time he asked her if she was okay. She knows he's not the same person he was before…he proves it to her every day…so why is it that she can't stop loving him?
"No don't worry about it…if you weren't here I'd just be laying here staring at the ceiling…besides you know I'm always here for you Luke, anytime you need to talk…" She wants to be something different then she is, feel something different than she does…but that's not the case no matter how bad she wants it. She wants to accept that the boy she loves is in love with her best friend…she wants to want the two of them to stop being stupid and prideful and just get back together and most of all, she wants to be genuinely happy for them when it does finally happen, because that's the way it should be. Brooke and Lucas should succeed as the perfect couple and she should be thrilled about it…because they're her best friends and being happy would be the right thing…so she will be thrilled about it and she'll smile at them when they finally get it together…she just wishes it would be real. But she knows it won't be…it can't be…because she loves him and loves makes even the simplest things, like being happy for your best friend, complicated.
"That's a two way street you know…" His eyes stay focused on her and he can tell that there's something different about her, something that's not quite right…but she's been this way since she came back from Savannah a few weeks ago. Last time he had pried about her relationship with Jake she kicked him out. Even if they were on better terms now, he wouldn't risk losing the only person he had to talk to nowadays. Sure there was Haley, but her and Nathan were finally getting the chance to enjoy their marriage…who was he to take that away from them. Besides, if Peyton wanted to talk about what happened with Jake, she would.
"I know…" she brightened her smile just bit before tearing her eyes away from him and focusing on the adjacent wall. He scanned her room and eventually set his gaze on an all too familiar picture of Brooke and Peyton. The frame was set back on her cluttered computer desk, but he had noticed it one day last week and his eyes seemed to find it every night since. How had he let things get so bad with them…it was probably by doing the same thing he's doing now…running off and confiding in Peyton Sawyer. He had tried so hard to open his heart to Brooke, to give her everything he knew she deserved, but that crippling fear of getting his heart broken again always seemed to win out and in the end, he clamed up and only revealed himself on a need to know basis.
He wonders how she's doing, if she's okay…if she misses him at all. He's tired to talk to her, but she only offers a small smile before walking away….she won't give him the time of day, and after the way he treated their relationship he can't really blame her. She doesn't seem nearly as bitter as she was after their first break-up, back then she wouldn't even look at him, unless of coarse it was to shoot him a deadly glare.
He could say that he was wishing they would one day be friends again…but that would be lie. He doesn't want her friendship because the truth is he wants so much more from her. And if he can't have more he's not sure if he can stand to have anything at all. He knows how horrible it sounds and he prays that one day he'll wake up and be like all the guys in the movies who can let go and are satisfied with just friendship, but for right now that's not him, and he's not sure if it'll ever be.
The light in her bedroom is the only one on in the entire house, and it's making the two shadows on the wall painstakingly clear to the brunette that's standing on the curb. She can't figure out why she keeps coming back to this very spot night after night. She knows how much it hurts to see their outlines through the window, she knows how it's going to feel to have her heart break when she sees his arm wrap around her ex best friend's shoulders…but despite knowing all this, she still winds up standing on the curb outside Peyton's house watching and longing to be inside with them.
There's a part of her that wants to take back everything she said to Lucas…wants to tell him that she was just angry and confused that day, that she didn't mean any of it, that she really does miss him. But that would be a lie, and she's tired of living in this tangled web of deceit. What she truly misses is his friendship, having someone there that she can depend on…having that strong and welcoming platonic relationship she used to have with both of the them…the two blondes who seemed to cut her out of their lives with such ease.
Lucas does try to smile at her in the hallways, tries to make it seem like nothing's changed, but things have changed…they're not the same…she's not the same. It would be so easy to say she changed last year when Lucas Scott walked into her life and turned everything upside down…but that would only be another lie to add to the pile that's grown too complicated to explain.
So she sends a polite wave in his direction and nothing more because she knows it's better to break all ties now then to wait for what's left of them to slowly dissipate. There's no reason for her to go on pretending that they're good friends until slowly but surely they stop talking to each other altogether, until they become nothing more than mere acquaintances who you would never guess have a past…she won't put herself through all that if she can skip straight ahead to the polite waves. Maybe then it won't be as painful, the break will be clean and there will be no left over strings to cut later on down the line.
Maybe the two most important people in her life will finally be together without any guilt attached. She wishes that the three of them could just be friends, they've never truly been that way so she doesn't know what it would be like, but she imagines that it would be really nice. There'd be no drama between them and for once the three of them could all just be happy…be genuinely happy with their lives.
She hopes that one day she won't be tempted to take Lucas back just so that Peyton can't have him. It's selfish and she knows it, she's not in love with him anymore, but she honestly doesn't care. She won't let that backstabbing whore have HER boy…she'll never give them permission to run off and be happy together because where would that leave her…she'd be stuck outside in cold by herself just like she is right now…holding herself closely because there's no one there to wrap their arms around her. She wants them both to be happy, she really does…just not with each other, because then they'll be no room for her…she'll lose her Lucas and her Peyton…they'll suddenly be each others', and she'll just be there…alone. She'll lose all hope of ever being in there with them, lose all hope of the three of them ever being in the same room without a monkey being there too.
She's just now realizing that there are tears sliding down her flushed cheeks. She wipes them away slowly before crossing her arms over her torso. But before she knows it, there are more tears breaking free because she fears that even if she doesn't give them her blessing they'll leave her in the dust anyway…because she feels as though she's started to choke on that dust already.
She watches him as he stares at the picture on her computer stand, stares at the brunette with the overly cheery smile on her lips, and she shivers as she wishes he was staring at her instead. As he pulls his confidant closer to him, his eyes stay focused on the smiling girl in the picture and he wishes he could have her pressed against him, his lips lingering lightly against hers. She shivers as she stares into the illuminated room, sees the two shadows merge closer together, she smiles sadly and wishes that she was the one wrapped in his arm and that Peyton was the one on the outside looking in, that Peyton would take everything about loving Lucas back, then things would return the way they once were, even if it was all a lie. And suddenly all of them feel just a bit colder and just a bit lonelier because their hopes are suddenly diminishing and they're realizing there's a distinct difference between who they are and who they wanna be, and that gap might always be there.