Konoha. The beautiful and fine place of Konoha wherein birds are happily chirping, happy people chat with one another as they do their daily routines, wives visit their co-wives to gossip about the latest news or gossip going around Konoha. Everything just seemed to be perfect and peaceful...
"Just shut up and buy me my bloody tampons, you stupid mutant man with nipples from women!"
...alright, kindly scratch that last part.
"There is NO way I'm going to buy you your necessary...things." the shadow master retorted, glaring immensely at the blonde kunoichi before him. I don't even want to know how women use those stuffs and how they insert it in their- UGH! NEVERMIND!
"Kamaimasen (I don't care)! Just do it!" With that, the blonde pushed Shikamaru forcefully out of the house, slamming the door in front of the Jonin's face, startling him.
"NANI!" Shikamaru pummeled the door with his fist. "Why me? Why don't you just buy it?"
"YAMETE (Stop it)!" Temari yelled and opened the door, catching Shikamaru off guard from the abrupt action. She glared at him. "It's a special Super A-class mission to test whether you survive or not!" She yelled.
"N-NANI!" He gagged stupidly as his brow twitched. "SUPER A-CLASS! Are you effing serious?"
"Hai!" Temari yelled in irritation as she rolled her eyes. "Now, just go out there and buy it. Come back here if you have it. If you don't...THEN DON'T COME BACK AT ALL!" She yelled once more before slamming the door right in front of Shikamaru's face, causing Shikamaru to cringe at the loud noise.
Shikamaru sighed angrily as he turned around; muttering curses under his breath on how troublesome this...mission is going to be. "And it's not like I'm after an S-rank criminal like those Akatsuki dudes. What a drag."
----
Alright, so, first, I transform into a Sexy no Jutsu-
Yup. You heard...er...READ it right, people. THE Shikamaru will be doing the Sexy Jutsu anytime now. Who even knew that THE Shikamaru, who overly dislikes women, knows how to use the Sexy Jutsu? Man, earth is getting weirder and weirder, madder and madder each day...and you haven't seen the best of it.
-and they'll think I'm a woman. And then, I go in the store, buy Temari's things and then go back to my house and cloud gaze all day, Shikamaru slightly smirk at his 'perfect' plan as pushed the bushes aside while hiding behind it, eyes fixed at the Pink store just meters away from where he is.
He frowned.
"I still don't like the idea of this." He uttered, vastly glaring at the store he will soon get in. "And look at its name. The Black House?"
-SNORT-
"Yeah right. Really, I can see lots of black things in there." He drawled out sarcastically before rolling his eyes. "Seriously, the color and the title don't match."
----
Staring into nothing in particular, Temari just sat on the porch out side the ANBU captain's house; watching people pass by and give her death glares.
Oh...kay. What's the glares all about..? She frowned and lowered her head, watching her feet go back and forth in mid-air. La, la, la, la, la. Let's just all pretend that the world is a very happy place with colorful blood red rainbows, dead lying flowers on the ground and demon butterflies flying-
"Ohayo, Temari-san," a voice drawled out, cutting Temari in her mad thoughts about the 'world is a happy place'. She looked up and saw a lazy eye staring at her. A navy blue mask covers the owner's face and the Konoha forehead protector covers his left eye. The person's silver hair was just as messy as usual.
"Uh..hey?" it turned out to be a question, not a greeting, from the sand kunoichi.
Kakashi stopped in front of the kunoichi, hands shoved in his pockets. "I'm just going to ask you where Shika-kun is." He said, his mask lifting up in every word that he says. "Is he inside?"
The blonde grinned, almost sinister in a way. "He's on a special Super A-Class mission."
----
Breathe in. Breathe out. You could do this, Shizuka.
A young woman about the age of 19 with long black hair that was up to her waist, which was tied into a high ponytail, a beautiful face, full D-cup breasts tried to calm her self, her cheeks filled with the faintest crimson blush. She's wearing a Chuunin vest with long black sleeves and the Konoha forehead protector tied to her left arm. Fishnets were covering her hands and she's wearing long, tight black pants with matching ninja sandals. The tight pants and outfit made her butt and curvy body stand out.
Now that's someone you can't see everyday.
Man, I look hot- WAIT. Stop thinking like- Oh yeah, I have HUGE and FULL D-cup breas- STOOPPPPP! Focus on the 'mission'. Shizuka shakes the thoughts off and walks briskly into the Black House, her hands shoved in her pockets as she lowered her head down, walking like the 'Hunchback of Notre Dame'. Much to her dismay, a lot of people noticed her and started to babble with one another. But that's just the women.
You just don't know what the men will do. Something...
"Hey, sexy. Wanna
have a joyride in the bed with me?"
"Shove off, baka.
She's mine. Right, hot stuff?"
"She's mine and
you two are just losers. She's gonna have the greatest time with me
in bed."
...like that.
Shizuka tried to ignore them but as she walks, the men still follow her...and they just happen to be ANBU members.
Man. Perverted hot ANBU members? Earth has gone MAD.
She gritted her teeth. I'll deal with you guys. Shikamaru thought while glaring immensely at his comrades. Troublesome people.
Sexy no Jutsu: success.
----
"Oh? How come Naruto-sama didn't inform me about it?"
"It's a special mission by me. The mission is just simple, he'll just need to buy me something and come back here with it." Temari begun to explain, eyes fixed at her moving feet, the grin not fading on her beautiful face. "I just don't know if he'll succeed on buying it without embarrassing himself."
Kakashi eyed her suspicious, the grin on the sand kunoichi's face made the Copy Ninja wonder, She's up to something. He shrugged and shoved a hand in his pocket, bringing out Icha Icha Paradise.
And there he goes with that book of his again, Temari thought as she rolled her eyes.
"I'll just wait for him here." Special Super A-Class mission, eh? This is going to be fun.
----
Shikamaru dusted his hands together, eyes fixed at the men he tied around the tree with out breaking a sweat. He placed both hands on his curvy hips, his D-cup breasts bouncing by the action. Man, having breasts is troublesome. I wonder how they handle it- WAIT. Remind me, why am I thinking these stuffs? Oh yeah, special thanks to Kakashi-sensei's books.
"Please, Shizuka-sama! We didn't mean it! W-we were just drunk!" a man with brown shaggy hair, black eyes and a well-built body, pleaded.
"A-a-and we didn't k-knew you were th-that girl-!" another man said. His blue eyes looking strait into Shikamaru's brown ones as his blonde hair reflected into the sunshine, making it glow.
"A-an-and yo-you're TOTALLY hot!" an unusual purple-eyed man said, as he shook his head, his black hair messing more than the usual.
Shikamaru scoffed, Pathetic excuses for a human. "Drunk? In the morning? I don't think so." He said in a girl voice (like Anko's) as he glared at the man named Kensen, the guy with shaggy brown hair and black eyes. He looks like Shikamaru with short brown hair and black eyes.
The shinobi...or rather, kunoichi turned his head towards the guy tied beside Kensen, Lukashi. "And you. Who cares if I'm that girl or not? As part of the ANBU squad, you should respect each and everyone here in Konoha." He sated intelligently at Lukashi, bringing out a finger to add some effect for the 'Naruto-look-a-alike' man to see.
"And you, Kashiko," he glared dangerously at the purple eyed man as he felt his cheeks heat up. "Shut up or else I'll get you out of the ANBU." he said as loud as he could in a low voice, letting some 'eavesdropping persons' hear what he...or rather, SHE was saying at the purple-eyed man who looked like that Kabuto dude.
Shikamaru...or rather, Shizuka coughed loudly. "I should probably do that. It's for the best..." he glared at the three, his brown eyes glinting mischievously. "...troublesome comrades."
"NA-NANI!" Shikamaru's comrades yelled in unison, eyes about to bulge out as they turned pale, jaws hanging down to the ground. "N-no! Please, Shikama-"
"And for the 2nd time in a row, it's Shizuka." Shikamaru said dangerously, grabbing the collar of Kensen's shirt and pulling it towards his face. "Say it and I'll let Sabaku no Gaara kill you since he's just so enjoying to kill people by request. I'll even request him to make your death slow and painful."
"Go-gome-menasai, Shizuka-sama." Kensen apologized, cringing at the name of Gaara. "But please," he insisted. "We really didn't mean it! W-we were just...taken a back from your...your...beauty." Kensen stated shyly, cheeks flushing with crimson red as his comrades nodded.
"Hn," Shikamaru released Kensen's collar, snapped her head away. "You're bluffing."
"Demo (but), demo, it's true! You're really...really...attractive, Shizuka-sama." Kashiko said, his unusual purple eyes shining.
"A-and I like your hair. It's so shiny and it seems silky." Lukashi added, looking away with flushed cheeks.
Instead of being flattered to death by the comments of his comrades, Shikamaru had a lot of anime sweat drops on top of his head as his comrades started to rant out everything that made Shikamaru...er...Shizuka attractive. And then they'll decide to marry me today. God, I'm just man trying to have a normal life! Why must I suffer all of these? "Bakas. I'm a man. Your ANBU captain, remember?" Shikamaru stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world -which it really was- as he rolled his brown eyes.
All of them turned red. "Gomenasai, Shikamaru-sama," they stated in unison with low voices.
Shikamaru sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, the usual bored expression plastered on his face...the only difference is that his face was not his face. It was a woman's face. It would be his face IF he were a woman.
"Yosh, I'll let you guys free for now-" a loud cheer interrupted him.
"ARIGATOU, SHIKAMARU-SAMA!"
"SHHH!" Shikamaru hissed. "Shizuka, remember?"
"Gomen, gomen." All of them apologized with smiles on their faces. Shikamaru took out a kunai, walked towards the tree where the men were tied and cut the chakra filled ropes off, freeing the men.
They stood up, dusted them selves and in unison, bowed to Shikamaru. "We shall go now, Shizuka-sama." Kensen said.
"Hai, Shizuka-sama. And also," Lukashi added, his blue eyes glinting with malice although Shikamaru could not see it. "Kindly tell Shikamaru-sama that we'll miss him. You're his girlfriend, anyways."
"Why you..." before Shikamaru could scold them, with a hand seal and puff of white smoke, all of them disappeared. "Pft...troublesome comrades." Let's all hope that nobody heard that.
----
Why does Kami-sama have to be so evil? Why does it have to be that someone heard the last part? Why does it really have to be a woman?
But the worst of all the worstest (there's not a word) is that, why does it have to Inuzuka Ino? WHY of the all women SPECIES in Konohagakure does Ino have to really just hear that last part?
Shikamaru's girlfriend, huh? The blonde thought, eyes glinting with malice as she had a sinister grin on her face, her cheeks painted with those red fang symbols that the Inuzuka clan has. This is a good catch! Considering that Shikamaru dislikes woman and he now has a girlfriend, the people will really love this!
Inuzuka Ino, the wife of Inuzuka Kiba, is a known kunoichi in Konohagakure. She is also a known columnist for 'Konoha Weekly'.
Heh, this will be good news! The blonde kunoichi took out a camera and clicked it, aiming it at the girl who is Shikamaru's girlfriend.
This...
...will be bad.
----
Oh...kay. I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Shikamaru's eyes were vastly shifting from the right to the left, from the left to the right. He was already in the Black House and seriously, all the stuff are color pink. Where the heck did they even get the name of the store, anyway?
Wha- WHERE THE HECK DID THESE VICTORIA SECRET BRAS COME FROM! He was about to gag as he felt his whole body twitch involuntarily.
Victoria Secret Bras?
In KONOHA?
Ok, spill it. Who spiked God's milk this morning?
Shikamaru kept his cool and started to walk around the Store. It turned out that there were several unlikely products that the store was selling and these products are just so out of the line. Examples? Pink Lacoste Shirts, Black Victoria Secret Bras & Thongs, Tommy Hilfigger Perfumes and- what the fuck. STRAWBERRY FLAVORED CONDOMS?-!
Shikamaru had the look like this: OO ...with his brow twitching madly.
Yosh. Ok. Stay calm Shikamaru, you'll just need to buy those tampons and you're out of here, OK? Shikamaru nervously approached the counter, pushing his index fingers together like what Hinata always does when she gets nervous. "Uh..."
"Yeah, yeah. Cut of the stutterin', woman. What'cha buyin'? Hurry up 'cause I ain't got all day waitin' fo' ya, ya know what I'm sayin'?" the fat woman on the counter said in a bored, American accent as she looked at Shikamaru unenthusiastically, her mouth moving as she chews a gum, blows it as a bubble and POP, it splattered on her chubby face.
My chakra's almost out. I've got to hurry or else I'm doomed. "Do you have tampons?" he said in a hurry.
The woman stopped chewing the gum and leaned in forward, "Did ya say sumthin'? Can't hear ya, dog. Say it louder, will ya?"
"Do you have tampons?"
"What'dya say? Say it again, louder." Shikamaru was already loosing his patience...and his chakra, too. He noticed his long, silky and shiny black hair go shorter and shorter as his chakra gets smaller and smaller. Damn. This is getting really troublesome.
He gritted his teeth. "I. Said. Do. You. Have. Bloody. Tampons. Miss." He stated angrily.
The woman backed away and looked at Shikamaru with a weird expression on her fat face. Oh, how Shikamaru wanted to roast the pig alive and let Akamaru eat her intestines. "Yeah, yeah. I'm goin', I'm goin'. Sheesh." She walks off, leaving Shikamaru standing in front of the counter looking like an idiot, awkwardly shifting her pace.
Shikamaru already hated the fat American woman.
"Here ya go, dog," the woman said, handing it to Shikamaru. Shikamaru was about to pay when the woman stopped him. "Don't pay it anymore. Some blonde walked in and said that she'd pay everythin' you'd be buyin'."
Shikamaru blinked. "Uh...Ok...?"
"Well, what'cha waintin' fo'? Santa? Ya go now!" she yelled and waved one of her fat hands towards Shikamaru, telling him to leave the store.
Maybe she owns the store, Shikamaru thought as he rolled his eyes, ran out of the store (before making sure that he had it), deep into the forest and stopped. He looked around to make sure that nobody was there and that he was alone.
Once knowing his surroundings, he makes hands seals.
-PUFF-
He returns into his original body, just in time that his chakra was already out and that he successfully finished the mission...
At last. I'm finished it successfully.
...well, that's what he thought. Who knew what was coming?
Author's Note: I know the names of the ANBU members suck.