Kurt, Monday June 14th, 6.37 pm
I say goodbye to our friends and walk out of Quinn's house. I get into Blaine's car and we drive over to my house. Dad will have dinner ready at seven and I don't want to be late. I know I should probably be the one making dinner since I'm not in school anymore and he has been working the entire day, but it being the first week of the summer after my High School graduation, I think I'm allowed a little chill time.
The ride to my place is mostly quiet. Blaine's not the only one that has been evasive, I have been avoiding him as well, but I don't think I have been that obvious about it. There became this weird vibe between us after he said those words. For a few days I was convinced he knew about me and that's why he asked. Either to test his thesis or to try to get me to tell him. And now he's been avoiding me because I wasn't honest with him.
But he can't know. How could he? I'm just being paranoid. There is also another reason for me keeping away from Blaine. I'm afraid of blurting it out. If he starts talking about kissing guys again, I'm not sure I can hold it in. I'm scared it will come out all rushed and wrong and in the most ill-considered moment. So I figured that maybe I should keep my distance for a while, give myself some space and time to figure out how and if I want to tell him.
Not that I needed to because Blaine did the avoiding part for me. His absence in my life makes me wonder, if he doesn't know about me, why has he been avoiding me? Why hasn't he called me or returned my calls? The time I haven't spent obsessing about whether Blaine knows or not and whether or not I should tell him, I've been pretty upset with him for his absence. That's why I've been rather harsh towards him today and I think he knows I'm upset.
"Do you think it will be okay with your dad if I stay for dinner?" Blaine asks as he wrings his fingers around the steering wheel nervously. I honestly think he wants to know if I'm okay with him having dinner with us.
"When has it ever not been okay for you to eat dinner with us? You know dad thinks of you as his second son. He always makes too much food and is disappointed when you don't show up." I tell him.
"Okay. Good."
We go back to silence again after that. It's true though, dad loves Blaine. He has even given him his own key to our house so that he can come and go as he likes. I think dad was so thrilled when I brought home a friend for the first time that he bent over backwards to make Blaine feel at home in our house. If you ask me I think he spoils Blaine, more than he does his own son.
Blaine adores my dad, and he looks up to him like a father figure. Blaine's dad walked out on them when Blaine was five years old and his mom never re-married. Blaine's relationship with his mother is strained, and my dad and our home has been his place of stability ever since we became friends.
When we get to my house, I can hear my dad rummaging around in the kitchen.
"Hi dad!" I call out and toe of my shoes.
"Hi Kurt, come in here," he calls back, "you've got to taste this sauce I did."
I walk into the kitchen and Blaine follows me.
"Oh, hi Blaine! Good to see you buddy." He moves to give Blaine a hug, which Blaine willingly accept. "Haven't seen you in a while, everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything is alright."
"Good, good. Here taste this." Dad says and hands us each a spoon. "Good, right?" he says with a big grin.
I roll my eyes at my dad, he thinks he is a master chef and sure he can pull of a descent Pasta Carbonara but as for the rest of his dishes… But I humor him, at least he has been cooking dinner for us.
"It's good dad." I tell him.
"It's great Burt!" Blaine says. "You really outdid yourself with this one."
It's typical Blaine to flatter my dad and my dad always smiles like a kid when Blaine compliments him.
"Ha! I told you it was good. Come on let's eat now, I hope you are hungry Blaine there's plenty of food."
"You know me, I'm always hungry" Blaine smiles back and sits down.
"No hats at the table, you know the rules" dad tells Blaine.
"For the hundredth time dad, it's not a hat it's a beanie." I tell him and roll my eyes because how hard is it to learn that? I have literally told him hundreds of time.
"Whatever" dad answers, "it stays of."
Blaine hardly ever takes of his beanie, unless he has dinner with us. He obeys and takes it off and even though I've seen him without his beanie before, tonight for some reason I see him differently. The wild, messy curls that have been tucked away, spring free and I find him incredibly sexy. I have to force myself to look away so I am not caught staring.
We sit down to eat and I'm surprised at how normal Blaine acts, it's like the past two weeks didn't happen. It's like it was just yesterday he was here chatting with my dad and they just pick up their conversation from then. I sit mostly quiet. I'm nervous I guess about spending time alone with Blaine. But I'm also hoping for some answers.
"I have something for you." dad says to Blaine when we've finished dinner. He leaves the room for a few minutes before he returns with a small box that he gives to Blaine.
Blaine looks over at me, but I just shrug. "What's this Burt?"
"It's your graduation gift." dad says with a smile.
"But you already gave me a graduation gift." Blaine protest.
"Yeah, I know but I couldn't be there when you opened it so I wanted to give you something else so that I can hug you after you open it."
Blaine carefully opens the box and pulls out a mélange charcoal guitar pick with an engraved B on it. I know dad has bought a matching guitar for his 18th birthday later this summer. Blaine has had his guitar since he was twelve and dad knows that Blaine would never treat himself to a new one even if he had the money. But dad wants him to have the best conditions when he start his music career in New York.
"This is beautiful, thank you Burt." Blaine gets up and gives dad the hug he's been waiting for. "And there's a B for Burt."
"Well actually it's B for Blaine." dad says.
"Nah, for me it's B for Burt." Blaine says and I can see how proud dad is. This means a lot to him.
"Well I just wanted to give you something so that you'll remember me when you're in New York and I hope you can use this when you make your dreams come true."
"Like I could forget you." Blaine says and nudge my dad's shoulder with his own. "I love it, I'm gonna use it every day. Thank you"
"God, you guys are so sappy." I tell them.
"You're just jealous of our connection and the awesome gift your dad got me." Blaine teases. His eyes meet mine for a second but then he looks away again.
"Whatever" I smile back. It's good to see Blaine this relaxed. I don't know what's been going on with him lately, but right now he's back to being his normal self, my best friend, and I like it.
"So shall we watch football or a movie?" dad asks when I start to clear the table.
"Actually, I think Blaine and I will just hang out in my room." I tell my dad.
"Oh… yes of course" I know my dad is disappointed but Blaine and I really need to talk.
We take care of the dishes before we head down to my room. My room is in the basement. It's big, it has its own entrance and bathroom but best of all it's very secluded from the rest of the house. Dad always made me leave the door open when Emily was down here with me, which was funny because Emily wanted to wait until after she was married. Now I close the door behind us as we walk down the stairs.
Blaine slumps down in my armchair, fidgeting with his plectrum, and I sit down on my bed, resting against the headboard. I look at Blaine, his hair still adorably messy without the beanie to hold it in place, but he doesn't look at me and I think that he is also nervous to be down here alone with me.
"So, are you gonna tell me why you've been avoiding me?" I ask him, straight to the point.
"I told you I wasn't avoiding you, I've just been busy with graduating."
"That's bullshit Blaine, I've seen you hanging out with Sam and Quinn but you won't even return my calls."
"Well I've been trying to figure some things out." Blaine says evasively.
"About me?" I ask, my heart beating just a little bit faster.
"About myself…"
"And have you? Figured it out?"
"No, but I'm getting there I guess." Blaine says. I have no idea what he means by that.
"Wanna talk about it? I'm a good listener and I'm also supposed to be your best friend."
"You are my best friend." Blaine says and gives me a small smile.
"But you don't want to tell me what's going on? But you can talk to Quinn and Sam about it?" I'm a little bit upset. I thought we trusted each other. I thought we could tell each other everything. Okay maybe not everything since I'm hiding this big secret from him. But that's different.
"No. Look, I'm just… It's nothing I promise. Can we please drop it and just hang out? I miss hanging out with you." Blaine pleads.
But I'm not able to let it go just yet. "Have I done something to upset you?" I have to know if this has something to do with me.
Blaine moves over to sit next to me on my bed and takes my hand. He looks at me, really looks at me, for the first time today. "No, you haven't done anything Kurt. Can we please drop it? It's nothing, I've probably just been working myself up with this fucking graduation. I know I've been distant, but I'm here now can we please not argue about this. I just want to hang out with you."
"Okay." I say even though I don't really think it's okay, but I don't want to fight with him. I just want things to get back to normal. Whatever it is I can't drag it out of him or force him to tell me. He's not good with words when it comes to the hard stuff. So I drop it. Blaine removes his hand from me and I kind of miss his touch.
"I think there's something going on between Quinn and Puck." I say to change the subject.
It hits me suddenly how close he's sitting. I'm trying to stay relaxed and not think too much about his closeness. But it is affecting me.
"What?!" Blaine says incredulously and then laughs.
"Haven't you noticed? They always show up together and they always leave together, and I see the way they look at each other when they think no one is watching. I'm telling you there's something there."
"Really? Why haven't they said anything?"
"Beats me." I shrug. Seems that everybody is having secrets these days.
"Hmm… Yeah I can see them work out. Quinn needs someone to look out for her and I think Puck might just be the one to do that."
"How will they make it work though? Soon they will be on complete different sides of the country."
"This is all hypothetically speaking, we don't actually know if they are a thing, but some people do manage long-distance relationships."
"But it's like 3000 miles between Yale and LA, you can't just fly over every weekend. I mean I'd love for Quinn and Puck to work out but I just don't see how they can." I say.
"You're not really a fan of long-distance relationships, huh?" Blaine asks and I shake my head. "Is that the real reason you broke up with Emily?"
"Yes" I answer. It's not a lie, because I really don't believe in long-distance relationships. If I'm with someone I want to be able to see them whenever I want. But it's not the entire truth either.
"I thought you were really cute together, I liked her."
"So did I," just not like a girlfriend, "but I don't see us working out when I leave for New York."
"You don't even want to give it a chance before you decide to end it?"
I don't know why he is so persistent about this, it's not like he has really cared about Emily before. I've always felt like Blaine tolerated her because she was with me, but he never truly accepted her into our group.
"I don't see the point in that." I say. It feels wrong to lie to him. Or maybe not lie, but withholding the truth. I'm afraid that if I keep doing it, this will build into something huge and insurmountable between us. But I just don't know how to tell him.
"Why not?" Blaine is looking at me intently with those amber colored eyes that I can totally get lost in. And I do loose myself in them and find myself doing what I feared the most. I blurt it out.
"Because I'm gay."
I want to retract it as soon as it is out of my mouth, because I really had no intention of telling him that, not yet at least. But now it's out there and I can't take it back.
"Are you kidding me now?" Blaine asks.
I can't bear to look at him, because I'm so scared of his reaction. I look down at my hands instead. I feel so small right now. I don't know how he will react. My biggest fear is that he will distance himself from me, that he won't accept who I am.
"No, I'm gay." I tell him.
"Wh…how…Are you sure? I mean how do you know?" Blaine is shocked, I can tell, but who can blame him. If he were to tell me out of the blue that he was gay, I would be pretty shocked too.
"Yes I'm sure and I just know. I don't want to date girls, I don't want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend."
"Okay…" Blaine is apparently lost for words. But he doesn't move away from me, he just sit silently next to me staring out into space. That must be a good sign, right?
"I know this might seem kind of sudden and unexpected to you, but I've known for quite some time. I didn't mean to blurt it out like that and I understand it's a lot to take in, but, well… yeah… I guess what I'm trying to say that I hope that you will still be my friend."
I hold my breath waiting for his reply, but he takes such a long time to answer that I feel like I have to fill the silence because the silence is slowly killing me.
"I understand if you don't want to…" I say but I can't really handle the thought of him rejecting me right now.
Finally he turns to look at me. "No, you shouldn't understand if anyone doesn't accept who you are. If anyone has a problem with who you are then screw them. Yes it's unexpected, but it doesn't change anything between you and me Kurt. You are still my best friend."
I let out a breath of relief. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. Did you really think I wouldn't want to be your friend?"
"I don't know" I answer honestly. "It's not like we know any gay guys and we've never really discussed our views on homosexuality. For all I know it could have gone either way."
"I'm glad you told me. Have you told anyone else? Does Burt know?"
"You're the first one I've told." I say and Blaine gives me a smile. I think it's the first genuine smile I have gotten from him today.
"Thank you," he tells me and squeeze my hand, "I guess this explains why you dumped Emily."
I can't help but laugh at that "Yeah, well I probably should have done that a long time ago. I probably never should have dated her in the first place"
"So why did you?"
"I was afraid someone would figure it out if I broke up with her. This is Ohio, not everyone is as accepting as you. But I don't want to lie anymore. We're moving to New York and I don't want to hide who I am when we get there."
"I want to say I'm proud of you, but I don't know if that's the right thing to say." Blaine says and nudge my shoulder.
"You can be proud of me" I reply and nudge him back. Blaine puts his arm around my shoulders and we lay down on my bed. His curls tickle my cheek when he lies down close to me. Being this close to him makes me feel happy and sad at the same time. Aside from being my best friend, he's also the guy I'm starting to develop feelings for. And he is also unattainable for me.
"Is there any guy in particular that you are interested in?" Blaine suddenly asks, and I feel as though he has just red my mind.
"Maybe." I tell him.
"Who? Tell me." Blaine says enthusiastically.
"It doesn't matter, he's straight so it's not like anything will happen anyway." I'm not about to tell him I have a crush on him when I just told him I'm gay. I mean there is only so much he can handle in one night. I don't want to scare him away completely. Besides it's probably just a passing phase, maybe it's just because he's my best friend. When we get to New York there will be plenty of openly gay guys for me to fall in love with.
Or so I try to tell myself.
"You don't know that, 15 minutes ago I thought you were straight." Blaine says playfully.
"Trust me, he's straight."
"Well any guy who is lucky enough to date you will better understand what a great guy you are or he will have to answer to me."
I poke out my tongue at him, but I actually like this protective side of him. It has always been there, since the first day we met.
"Two weeks ago you told me you never thought about kissing a guy. Why didn't you tell me then?" Blaine asks.
Because I want to kiss you, you idiot is what I should say. Instead I say:
"There were so many homophobic idiots in high school and I guess I didn't want the risk of them finding it out and make my final days a nightmare. It's not that I'm not proud of who I am but I didn't want to put myself through the inevitable name-calling and what else. Now it doesn't matter anymore, I don't have to see them again and I'm about to experience so many new things for myself. I feel like there is a whole new world for me out there, away from Ohio."
"You know I wouldn't have told anyone."
"I know. Maybe I just wasn't ready to tell anyone. I don't know if I'm ready now, I didn't plan on telling you actually. But like I said I'm moving forward with my life. I'm actually thinking about setting up a profile on grindr." I tell him.
I have actually not thought about it until I just said it, but maybe it's not a bad idea. It's not something I would normally do, but I'm turning over a new leaf in my life. I'm reinventing myself so why couldn't I be the guy that has a profile on grindr?
"No you are not." Blaine says firmly.
"Why not? I think I need to date someone before I get to New York, just to have it done you know."
"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. You are not setting up a profile on grindr. Any date you will find through grindr in Ohio is sure to be a burly, middle-aged, closeted guy. Not happening Kurt. You want your first date to mean something."
He's probably right, I hadn't really thought about all the aspects before I said it. Maybe I should reinvent myself a little less.
"Okay, maybe not one of my best ideas, but I still think I should go on at least one date before I hit the dating jungle of New York." I say and stare up at the ceiling. The room is getting dusky and shadows from the garden outside my windows are playing up there.
"I don't know what kind of movies you've been watching but I'm pretty sure the gay community in New York does not consist only of predators. I'm sure you'll find a nice guy eventually. What's the rush?"
"There's no rush. It's just, dating Emily I haven't been myself and I haven't been honest with anyone. You know I like romances and I just want to find someone who I can be myself around and who likes me for me. I want to kiss a guy, feel butterflies and fall in love. I know it's silly…"
"It's not silly Kurt, it's you. It's who you are."
I've never been more grateful for his friendship than I am right now. He gets me. It's a fantastic feeling to have someone in your life that actually gets you.
Blaine turns to lay on his side so that he is facing me. He retracts his arm from under my shoulders and rests his head in his hand.
"You know if you want to kiss a guy, you can kiss me." Blaine says.
There it is again. That odd desire of his that I don't understand.
"No thank you." I tell him. "I don't want to be your experiment." Which is true. I want to kiss Blaine, but not to satisfy his curiosity about what it would be like to kiss a guy. "I just told you I want romance and you suggest I kiss my best friend? That would be all kinds of weird."
"I didn't mean it like that…Kurt, I… Never mind." Blaine says and slumps back down on his back again. "It was just an offer."
I frown and look at him. "Well it's weird offer, I don't want to kiss you."
I do but I can't tell him that, not when it would mean something completely different to me than it would do to him.
"Yeah, you've made that clear." Blaine says curtly.
I don't get why he is upset, if anyone should be upset it's me.
"Why are you mad?"
Blaine sighs. "I'm not mad. You're right, it was wrong of me to suggest it. I'm sorry."
"Let's just put it in the pile of Things Blaine should think twice about before speaking."
Blaine laughs. "It's beginning to become quite a pile."
We both laugh and relax again.
"I can't believe my best friend is gay." Blaine says after a while.
"I can't believe my best friend wants to kiss me." I tease back and Blaine slaps me playfully on my chest.
"I can't believe my gay best friend turned me down. Not only did my girlfriend break up with me but apparently I'm out of luck with guys as well."
"Poor Blaine, nobody loves him." I say and the comment earns me a pinch on my arm, which I am quick to reciprocate. "Any new girl you got your eye set on?" I don't want to know, but I cannot not know.
"Nah, I think you're right. Who wants a relationship back here when we're about to move to the city of dreams? I think I'll just lay low and not think about girls this summer. I'd rather just chill and hang out with you."
I know everything is okay between us, because this is what we do. We tease each other, make fun of each other but always knowing that we care deeply for each other.
"Thanks for telling me" Blaine says. "Even if you didn't plan on telling me, it means a lot to me that you did."