AN: Requested one shot centering on Gwen. What if Gwen and Ethan's marriage hadn't survived the loss of baby Sarah?
Untitled. Circa 2003
A few days after Sarah's stillbirth the residents of Harmony returned from L.A. Still reeling from teh aftermath of Whitney's shooting and Sarah's death, Harmony was a hotbed of suspicions, accusations and heartache.
Gwen and Ethan had been excited to returned to Harmony with their daughter, only instead of being happy and healthy as they'd expected she was cold and lifeless. Gwen was beside herself with grief and anger. She could feel the anger growing hotter, pulsating inside of her as each day passed. She felt as though she would burst from the internal agony. She needed to scream and cry and lash out, but as befitted her station she held her emotions inside.
Until the day she could hold them no more.
…..
"Gwen honey", Ethan pleaded as she paced the floors of the Crane Mansion. "You need to try to eat something."
"I don't want to eat Ethan! I want my baby", she cried covering her mouth to hold in her sobs. "I want my baby girl!"
He moved to comfort her and for a moment she let him, then quickly pulled away.
"No!", Gwen turned on him. "No! You do not get to play the grieving husband when you are the reason my baby is dead!"
"Gwen please", Ethan begged. "Don't do this. I never meant for any of this to happen."
"You never meant to be on a beach kissing Theresa while your wife is 8 months pregnant and laid up in the hospital?", the blonde screamed. "What did you think was going to happen? Why did you do this to me, to Sarah?"
"Honey please try to calm down",
"I know why you did it", Gwen ranted on. "You kissed Theresa because you are just as obsessed with her as she is with you. You couldn't stand the thought of her with another man so instead of being at my bedside you were with her-
"I am not obsessed with her", Ethan said firmly. "I-I just had a weak moment."
"And my baby is dead because of it."
"Our baby.", Ethan snapped.
"You never wanted her", Gwen ground out, she grew angrier with each interruption.
"I loved her- "
"Not enough to stay away from Theresa. She was right you know, she was right about it everything! You only married me because I was pregnant", she said smacking her forehead. "I can't believe I deluded myself into believing that you would willingly choose me over her."
"I would give choose you", Ethan replied trying to hold her. "Honey I did choose you."
"No" Gwen said pushing him away and crossing her arms. "When your choice matter most, you chose sex on the beach with Theresa. We were an obligation to you Ethan, admit it! Up until the minute you found out I was pregnant you were going to choose Theresa, admit it!"
"Gwen stop- "
"Stop?!", she screamed swiping the lamp off the coffee table.
Ethan jumped back as it shattered. He looked at up at Gwen, her hair wild, her eyes even wilder.
"Stop is what I should've done years ago", she said bitterly, talking more to herself than Ethan. "I should've stopped giving you my heart only for you to break it. I should've stopped when you continued to put Theresa and her son first instead of me and our baby! I should've stopped when you chose Theresa at midnight mass."
"Gwen- ", Ethan pleaded as his wife lost control.
"I should've stopped before we leaked your paternity to the tabloids. I should've stopped before I lost my baby girl-
"What?!", Ethan said. "What did you just say?"
Silence blanketed the room as Gwen struggled to catch her breath. Her anger had once again turned into grief and she was tired.
She was so tired.
The blonde plopped down on the couch and cried holding her head in her hands.
"Gwen- "
"You heard what I said Ethan", she said softly. "And you know the sad part is, I didn't do it to hurt you. As much as you've stomped on my heart, I never wanted to hurt you. I was actually trying to help you."
She laughed bitterly.
"I-Imagine me helping the person who cost me everything and gave me nothing."
"I can't believe this", Ethan said numbly. "How could you help me by exposing my paternity?"
"It doesn't matter now", Gwen whispered. "All that matters is that my baby is gone."
"It does matter", Ethan yelled. "If I'd known that Theresa was innocent I'd- "
"Have married her instead", Gwen bit off.
"Oh my god", he gasped looking at Gwen as if seeing her for the first time. "Oh my god you were behind everything?! You set Theresa, up didn't you?"
"Even now the only thing you care about is her", the blonde chuckled.
She didn't give a damn about Ethan's feelings at this point. She only wanted him to hurt as badly and she was hurting. The tears in his eyes confirmed that he was.
"Gwen- "
"Get out of here", she cried struggling to face him. "Go Ethan! Our baby was the only thing keeping you and Theresa apart, and you've killed her so go! Sarah is dead and so is our marriage! Go!"
For the first time in a long time Ethan didn't disappoint her.
Once the front door clicked shut, Gwen broke into loud body wracking sobs. She cried for what had her life had become and for her baby girl who'd never even had a chance.
…
Gwen cried for what seemed like weeks.
She cried daily as she visited Sarah at the cemetery.
She cried as she packed away her baby's clothes along with the dreams she'd had for her.
She cried as she filed for divorce from the man who'd never truly loved her.
She cried until she had no more tears left.
And then one day as she laid down to cry, no tears would come.
It was on that day Gwen decided that she had to get up and go on. As much as she wanted to give up, to die if only to be with her baby again she couldn't.
She had to find the strength to go on.
She owed it to Sarah to live, to live enough for the both of them.
And that's exactly what she would do.
...
1 year later
Gwen Hotchkiss wiped the sweat from her brow and bent over to catch her breath. She'd just reached the top of Mt. Cook in New Zealand, crossing the last thing off her yearlong bucket list. The blonde wasn't sure she'd have made it through the past year without that list. The list of things she'd have like her daughter to do or see had kept Gwen busy and kept her from drowning in grief.
She'd traveled the world skydiving, mountain climbing, site seeing in places like Italy, Greece, and Egypt. But her year was up, and she had a promise to fulfill.
When she'd left Harmony broken, battered and on the cusp of insanity, she'd promised her daughter that she would visit every year on her birthday. If Gwen was going to keep that promise she'd have to leave New Zealand tonight. The blonde sighed as she looked down, suddenly getting back down the mountain didn't seem like the most challenging thing she'd do this week.
,...
It had been one year since she'd seen this awful place.
1 year since she'd buried her baby girl, how had she made it through an entire year without her?
The blonde shook away the thoughts and looked around the airport and checked her watch, it seemed that no one was coming to pick her up.
"Gwen!", a voice called. "Oh Gwennie, I've missed you so much!"
She turned around to face her mother.
"Mother?", she said surprised. "I didn't think you'd come."
"Of course, I'd come", Rebecca scoffed hugging her. "I wouldn't leave my only daughter to catch a cab home."
"Harmony isn't my home", Gwen snapped.
The redhead said nothing as the two exited the airport and entered the waiting limo
"I can't believe it's been a whole year", Rebecca sighed playing with Gwen's hair. "You look great, I like the longer hair. Gwen, I wish you'd consider staying in town. I miss you and I don't have any one to talk to."
"Mother there's no way I'd ever move back to this place", Gwen bit off. "I'm only here to see Sarah besides everyone in town hates me."
"That's not true", the redhead said. "Most people pity you, it's me they hate. Oh well except Ivy, she definitely hates you"
Is pity really any better than hate? Gwen thought.
"I guess you'll be happy to know that Sheridan got her baby back", Rebecca said changing the subject.
"What?!", the blonde was stunned. "I thought he drowned?"
"Honey don't you read the papers?", Her mother sighed. "Beth was the one who kidnapped Sheridan and stole the baby. Her wacko mother exposed the whole plot."
"I knew her pregnancy was suspicious!", Gwen said. "Do you think she was the one who ran me down?"
"It was her or Theresa", Rebecca shrugged. "Anyway, no one believed Beth's mother until they went back to the house and found the pit Sheridan was trapped in. Talk about psychos!"
"Wow", Gwen whistled. "Poor Sheridan."
"She's fine", the redhead scoffed. "She's gotten the baby back, divorced one Lopez-Fitzgerald and married the other. Alistair disowned her, but she and Luis are as happy as poor people can be."
"That's great", Gwen said wistfully looking out the window.
She and Sheridan sent an occasional text message but hadn't really talked since Gwen left town. Apparently, it was fine for Ethan to hurt her but not for her to hurt Ethan.
"Aren't you going to ask me about them?", Rebecca asked after a few moments of silence.
"No", Gwen said tightly.
"They're still here in town", Rebecca pressed on. "Getting married in a couple of months I hear. He's working at a prestigious law firm, she's preparing to open a boutique downtown- "
"I don't care Mother", Gwen interrupted. "I'm here to visit my daughter and then I'm going to New York. They can have Harmony and their so called happily ever after."
The limousine pulled up at the Crane Mansion and Gwen rushed from the car. She headed straight inside leaving the servants to unload her bags.
Somethings never changed.
...
The next morning
Gwen woke up early and slipped out to the Crane Cemetery. Her daughters' burial site was easy to spot, it was the one with the most flowers. The blonde felt the tears in her eyes as she sat on the ground by the tombstone.
"Happy Birthday baby girl", she said shakily.
The blonde caught her breath and then began to tell her daughter of all the adventures she'd been on over the past year.
"I saw so many beautiful things Sarah", she said softly. "But I've never seen anything more beautiful than you. I- "
Gwen was interrupted by the sound of someone approaching. Her lips tightened as she recognized her daughters' father holding balloons and flowers.
"G-Gwen?", He stammered. "I didn't know you were here. I'll come back later."
The blonde flashed back to that explosive night almost a year ago, surprisingly time had softened some of her rage toward Ethan. She hadn't quite forgiven him, but she could tolerate him Sarah's sake.
"Stay", she said surprising herself.
The sandy blonde nodded and sat on the opposite side of Gwen.
"I-I was telling Sarah everything I've done over the past year", she said softly. "Anything you want to tell her?"
Ethan took a deep breath.
"I want to tell you that I'm sorry Sarah", he said holding back tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should've been, I'm sorry I wasn't there for your mom. I've had a lot of bad days this past year and some good ones too. But every day I've thought about you."
The two sat in silence for a long time before Ethan spoke.
"I should go", he said they stood up. "I'm glad we could put our feelings aside and do this for Sarah."
"Me too" Gwen said crossing her arms. "We failed her in life, I don't want to fail her in death too."
Despite his better judgment Ethan reached out and hugged his ex-wife. She resisted for a moment before hugging him back.
"I'm so sorry Gwen", he cried. "I never meant to hurt either of you"
"I'm sorry too Ethan", she whispered. "I'm sorry too."
.,...
That evening
Gwen was on her flight to New York feeling better than she had when she'd arrived in Harmony.
Looking back, she realized how much she'd lost in the past few years.
Her baby, her marriage, herself.
In the past year she'd had to suffer unimaginable loss, forgive those who'd hurt and most importantly she'd had to grow. The bucket list had been intended for Sarah but as Gwen looked out the window of the airplane she realized it had also been for her.
A chance for her to see the world on her own terms and learn that the it was much bigger than Harmony, New England. She knew she would have hard days, days when she wouldn't want to get out of bed. She also knew that with time those days would be fewer.
Deep in her heart Gwen held on to the hope that she would see her baby girl again someday.
"Attention passengers we'll be landing in the next 30 minutes", the intercom announced.
Until then she planned on living life to the fullest for both of them.