Mother,

The awards are done and the Citadel is getting back to normal. My arm is healed and the Normandy has been given a new assignment.

Everything is going well. But, I keep thinking back to the moment before we went through the relay to stop Saren. We had no idea what would happen or if we would survive. It occurred to me that I had left too many things unsaid to too many people. I want to correct that, but I don't really know how to do it.

I have my will on file with the Alliance and of course everything goes to you and dad. That's how it should be. I don't have many personal items. My medals, some old books that I love and a few model ships are really all there are.

But this isn't about possessions. I realized in those few minutes how much I had changed since joining the Normandy. How much my crew came to mean to me and how they had become almost family; the Normandy felt like home. I'd never experienced that level of…camaraderie, I guess, with any other assignment.

I don't think I ever let you and dad know how much I appreciate how you raised me. Despite what I said when I was a teenager, I always felt special and loved. It was hard always moving between posts and parents and sometimes I felt like a gypsy, but you both taught me so much and made me the woman I am. Thank you.

I never really made friends as a kid and never felt the need for any since joining the military. The professional relationships were more than satisfying enough to me. I was never lonely and actually treasured the solitude between missions. At least, that is how I used to be. It is different now; I'm different.

The people I've served with and led on the Normandy have become very dear to me. I have learned who they are – their likes and their fears. I have come to care for them. This is very new to me and sometimes it scares me. Not only do I know about them, but they have come to know me in a way that no one else ever has. I think they might see me as more than just their commanding officer, too.

I can't even pinpoint when it happened. I started out on the Normandy as I have on every other assignment. I would talk to my teammates and learn enough about them to gauge their strengths and weaknesses to use on the battlefield. But somewhere in there I actually began to care about what they said and how they felt. Beyond the field and more than professionally.

I think I first realized this after Ashley Williams' death. It was my decision and I wrestled with the emotion of that, but what really got to me was that I missed her. I truly missed our conversations and her sense of humor. Now, even months later, I think of her with a sense of loss. I regret that she didn't know I considered her a friend. I almost felt like she was a sister. It was so devastating to have to leave her on Virmire. It was the right choice for the mission, but I didn't realize just how deeply it would affect me. I don't know that I'll ever get over it.

Since the showdown on the Citadel I've come to realize just how much the others also mean to me and I don't want to leave that unsaid. But I have no idea how to tell impossible mission is over and we are heroes. We have a new mission (even if it's not the one we should be doing) and now doesn't seem to be the time to speak of such feelings. I am their Commanding Officer. Telling them how I feel seems unprofessional, I guess.

So I guess I'm writing you in the hope that if something happens to me you can pass on to each of them what they mean to me. Does this seem cowardly? I'm not sure, but I hope you will do this for me.

Each of them has a unique impact on me, but three in particular have become my pillars of strength. The ones I count on most to have my back and to set me straight when I'm off-track. I have revealed more of myself to them than I ever have in my life. It's kind of scary how much I trust them.

I'm sure you can guess that the first one is Kaidan Alenko. He is such an incredible man, mom. I think I might be falling in love with him. I almost told him that the other day, but I couldn't do it. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without him. I can tell him my frustrations and fears and he understands. He doesn't judge me and he always has a way of making me feel better; stronger. Just talking to him can make me feel better. I can't wait until you meet him on our vacation.

Joker and Garrus are the other ones that I have the closest relationships with. They are so different from each other and yet they share a cynical sense of humor with me. Neither of them pull any punches when they speak to me, which I appreciate. That isn't to say they are insubordinate (well, I guess by definition they are) as they follow my orders without hesitation. But I can depend on them to tell me when to get off my ass if I need it. I would be dead so many times over without them.

Hopefully I will be able to overcome my issues and tell each of them how I feel, but I wanted to leave this with you to make sure they know if anything happens to me.

If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't regret a thing and I know that this is the best group of people I'll ever have the honor of knowing, serving with, or being able to call friends.

Love,

Deidre Shepard