Pretendre Desir Amour Chapter 4: That Wouldn't Be Right, a twilight fanfic

CHAPTER 4 - That Wouldn't Be Right

"These eyes behold a lot of what these hands cannot"

- The Stevedores "That Wouldn't Be Right"

Bella

"They're just fucking shoes, Bella."

Rosalie was annoyed with me. Royally annoyed.

We'd gone shopping and then to dinner with Jess, just as planned. But things weren't going smoothly. Not for me anyway.

Edward effing Cullen was too far under my skin for me to be anything even slightly resembling smooth.

I'm normally clumsy and uncoordinated, yes. But today was worse.

In the mega Halloween store Rose took me to I knocked over a whole display of wigs. I dropped a plastic pitchfork on Rosalie's feet, ripped a cape that I'd accidenitally pulled off the wall, and spilled my coffee all over her silk camisole.

Sure, she's used to my less than graceful self, but it really was out of control today.

All because a boy that I let platonically, drunkenly spend the night in my room did something endearing with two pairs of sneakers.

When we got to dinner and I coudln't even hold my fork for longer than 3 minutes at a time before dozing off into la-la land and dropping it, Rosalie was ready to rip me in two. She's not a very patient being, my friend Rosalie. And she's extra on edge these days because she thinks Emmett's only two Jager bombs away from proposing to her. And she's not accustomed to feeling excited about someone else owning her, so she's been extra uptight with excitement, and all of the energy she's putting into hiding said excitement.

She and Jess badgered me endlessly for the whole twelve minutes I tried to imply that nothing big was going on. They both knew about my gigantic bronze haired issues though, so resistance was futile.

This is what led us to the here and now. In my room inspecting the shoes. The four effing shoes, all in a row, all cute and together and sweet looking.

I was sitting with my legs folded under me on the edge of my bed, clutching a pillow. It was my feather filled protector. My small square of comfort.

Jess was sitting beside me on the bed, letting her silly little dog run around in circles on my comforter.

Rosalie was sitting in Edward's chair throwing unbelieving looks back and forth between the four red shoes and I.

I sort of freaked out when I came out of my shower and Edward was gone. Not because of all the abandonment stuff I went through when he left for Chicago without saying a word to me. I was starting to lean towards believing that he wouldn't be doing anything like that again, at least not anytime soon. I was simply floored by the fact that he'd listened to me. He actually left when asked, granted it was the umpteenth time I'd asked... but still.

I was shocked that he had behaved himself so easily and also at the amount of loss I felt without him around.

Then, after my initial shock at his good behavior and my pathetic want for him wore off, I noticed the shoes.

I knew for a fact that pre-shower they were, all four of them, laying in dissaray. Most definitely not in a neat line. Mine had been half way under my bed and his were in a small pile next to the chair since he'd carelessly kicked them off sometime during the night.

Seeing them in a pretty little line, my small version resting agreeably next to his more worldly duo, did funny things to me.

I liked the image. I liked all of the foolish things it could represent and the fact that a boy thought to do something like that for the purpose of pleasing me. I liked that he left some of his posessions at my house.

I was terrified about the metaphor of the whole thing, though.

"Rose, don't you think this is a big statement for a guy to make? I mean, boys don't do silly things like this just for no reason, you know? Girls do these things, as manipulation tools. Thought goes into this."

"Have you even spoken to the kid?" Rosalie asked, responding to me with a laugh in her voice.

Rosalie is two years older than the rest of us, save for Emmett who is one month older than her. She believes this gives her the right to refer to all of us as children whenever she feels like it. I've never argued the matter because most of the time I do feel like an adolescent next to my statuesque friend.

"I highly doubt there was any thought occurring. He's not a very deep guy, Bella. He loves Pancakes for fuck's sake."

Rosalie's also quite foul in her vocabulary, unless her Daddy is around. You get used to it after a while. I've even started realizing that her cuss words are somewhat elegant. The woman is nothing but blonde, tall, brusque intrigue.

"He's an artist," I countered. "He has to be deep."

"Or gay," Jess so helpfully interjected.

Rosalie laughed. Pancakes ran into my side and the yelped at me, as if I attacked him.

"How did he get in here, anyway? I thought the Edward phase was over when he disappeared into thin air two weeks ago," Jess continued.

"Yes, Bella," Rosalie pushed, "How did the prince enter the castle and win back the fair maiden's heart?"

"He, uh, climbed the tree and came in through the window," I told them, trying to sound careless about it all. As if it wasn't an effing weird piece of information that is cause for concern. "Then he explained to me that he was just in Chicago during his disappearance, getting a few things. He's back permanently now. So... yay."

I finished my re-account of activities with trepidation, knowing it was confirmation that I had absolutely no back bone. They both knew how pathetically upset I was when he vanished. And now they were both getting to know how freaking pathetic I was with him around.

I waited for a large reaction; a freak out of sorts.

None came. Jess hummed a response and continued picking purple fuzz balls out of Pancakes' tail.

"How very Repunzel-esque of him," Rose commented in a bored tone.

I forgot: whatever puzzles a normal human will never puzzle Rosalie Hale.

"Isn't Repunzel the one who wove the straw into gold? That funny little man that made the girl give him her first born child? I don't see how that's connected to Edward."

We ignore Jess 85 percent of the time, because she usually doesn't listen closely enough to know what's going on and responds with statements like that.

Hence her non-reaction to the Edward climbing the tree info from seconds before. She mentally checks out on accident, I think. It's not a matter of her being dumb, she's not. It's strictly a matter of her forgetting that people like to be listened to when they speak. It kind of keeps her fun, so we've all learned to go with it.

"Why didn't he use the door like a normal, undemented human?" Rose continued. Still sounding bored.

"He was a little bit tipsy."

"Like... he'd done a few shots at the party and maybe thought Mike was attractive in his Birthday crown, so he hit the road before he did anything homo-awkward kind of tipsy?" Rosalie challenged. "Or like, he used being tipsy as an excuse to get you to forgive him for being a prick?"

"Like he drank a whole bottle of $10.99 tequila alone in his house and then climbed a tree and broke into my window and used his boyish charm to convince me to let him stay the night in that chair tipsy," I admitted with a little laugh, pointing at the chair she was sitting in.

Rosalie's eyes widened, not in shock like most people's would have, but rather in admiration, I'm sure. She wasn't too eager to write off people who could hold their liquor and then provide her with embarrassing stories about themselves. In fact, I may have just began the beginning of a beautiful relationship between Edward and Rose. She also admired passion and commitment, two things I suppose Edward's side of the story did hold.

She sat up straighter and smiled at me.

"That's borderline romantic. Did you screw him?"

"Rosalie! No. God... I practically just met him."

I rolled my eyes and tried to hide the way my heart raced uncontrollably at the idea of "screwing" him. I know there's now way either of the other occupants in the room would be able to hear my thumping pulse, but when Edward was concerned I was highly involved in hiding things from myself. It was too easy for my mind to form images of him, all drunk and charming and honest, touching me and kissing me, and caressing me...

"You didn't but you want to," Rosalie concluded smugly after studying my face.

"Who doesn't?" Jess interjected. "If Mike wasn't so completely marry-able I'd be on the Edward Train myself."

I very nearly threw up and the idea of her even so much as touching him. Not just because it was Jess. I love Jess. She deserves goodness.

But because it could be any faceless girl in that situation, trying to board the Edward Train, and I'd still want to rid myself of my insides due to disgust and hurt.

And that's when I knew for sure that I was in trouble if Edward ever did walk away from me while I was gathering the courage to really figure out what we felt for each other.

Things misted up as my eyes unfocused. Again I was trapped in my reactions to him, scared shitless that he already had too much control. I couldn't be thrown away again. It wouldn't be right. Or tolerable. Or bearable.

"You look like you're going to be sick," Rose commented.

"You're not allergic to Pancakes, are you?" Jess asked, sounding truly concerned though I doubt it was for my benefit.

I shook my head and took a deep breath.

"What are you doing?" Rosalie asked me.

"I'm trying to reel in my Edward emotions."

"You're E-Motions?" Jessica laughed at her own joke, emphasizing the "E" sound. "Eee-motions for Edward. Get it?" she asked, still laughing at herself.

Sometimes all of the marijuana smoking that Jess did in high school catches up to her. Mike assures us that she wasn't too different before that, since they've known each other since junior high, but I have my doubts. She had to be missing a few important brain cells.

"Clever," Rosalie deadpanned as I rolled my eyes.

"I don't know why I can't control my reactions to him," I sighed.

"Or to the stupid sappy shit he does," Rose added with a nod to the shoes.

I bit my lip and looked down at the shoes as I nodded in agreeance.

"I can't even let him touch me, Rose."

I admitted this sad truth quietly, refusing to bring my eyes up to hers.

"Well, it's always good to have boundaries..." she responded carefully, not berating me for what I'm sure sounded heinous since I clearly wanted the boy in dangerous, physical ways. Instead her tone was appropriately responsive while still allowing me room to elaborate if I wished.

"No, it's nothing normal like boundaries. He touched my arm with his finger and I freaked out. Pulled away. I basically asked him not to touch me at all, ever, unless I said it was ok first."

Beside me I could feel the air grow still as even Jess' attention drew alert. Pancakes was the only thing giving life to the room for a moment. The other two women and I were fixed figures in the room, void of motion as my words marinated in the air and gave more life to the idea that I was probably clinically insane.

"Why?" Rose asked simply, softening somehow and looking like she really did want to understand.

"It was too much."

"I thought he only touched your arm..." Jess said.

I'm sure it made even less sense to her than it did to Rosalie. She was never plagued by a sudden, unexpected man running head first into her life and changing the way everything looked or felt. She had Mike, who was exactly what she always wanted, exactly what her life had scripted her experience in love to be. He had been a steady figure in her existence long before their love bloomed, someone she longed for and attempted to mold her life around for years. They were perfect for each other, and happy, and probably always going to be together, yes. But they were not something that formed out of explosive feelings and untamed emotions.

My only chance at having an understanding ear was Rosalie, who had experienced this sort of monumental shift in her world with Emmett. She wasn't prepared for what he did to her heart when they found each other, really truly found each other, either. Part of the ice queen persona had melted when he finally broke her down into a committed relationship with him, something she had never, ever desired before that time.

"I can't really explain it," I sighed, throwing my words towards Jess since she had spoken to me last, but keeping my eyes on Rose. "The only way I could explain it to him was that it was too good. It made me too excited, or something. It was... it was just too much."

Jess sat in confused silence, apparently deciding to accept just not understanding me. She smiled in support when I glanced at her, though. Becuase she's the type of person that usually strives to be sincere, even if she cannot fully achieve it.

When I turned back to Rosalie she was still assessing me with pursed lips.

"It's bizarre, isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes," she agreed. "Something is most definitely wrong with you."

Rosalie Hale will never lie to you, or sugar coat, or deflect a tough issue.

"But," she continued, "he knows all of this and still didn't take off running for the hills?"

I nodded, "Yes. I told him that I couldn't handle it right after it happened. He still spent the night. In that chair. And he was extremely happy to do so."

One perfect, blonde eyebrow arched.

"Well damn. Emmett would shit a brick if I told him he couldn't touch me."

"Mike doesn't like it when I touch him with cold hands. He actually makes this little squeak noise whenever it accidentally happens. Sometimes, though, I'll take stuff in and out of the freezer before I go to bed if he's done something shitty like forgetting to pick up more milk or call his mother on important holidays."

"The point is, Bella, the kid obviously has it bad for you in the same freaky way you do for him. If he's happy with a Hand's Off relationship, then maybe Alice's soul mate theory isn't complete crap. Because you deserve to figure your crazy shit out and he's willing to wait around while you do. You're two dysfunctional peas in a pod. You've never made sense to me. Now the both of you can be a mind fuck together."

I smiled at her smile and felt a weight sort of lift from my shoulders. Rosalie's perspective was interesting, though this was the first I'd heard of any soul mate theory from Alice. From the little I knew of Edward's tiny sister it made sense, though. I could picture her spouting of well thought out points on the subjet with absolute conviction.

"I'm not sure how, but that made me feel a lot better. Thanks, Rose."

"No problem. Just promise that you'll take care of you, Bell. You're too amazing to compromise," Rosalie smiled, sincere and oddly serene as she spoke.

I blushed a little at the compliment and nodded, then shrugged.

"I'm just doing my best to not make the mistakes I did before, with James."

"Oh, Edward's already a step up from James," Jess said in encouragement. "Better hair. Better clothes. Better ass."

"He may be inane, but the man is hot," Rosalie commented, reinforcing Jess. "You've made an excellent upgrate on the Boyfriend Scale in the looks department, at least."

"He's not my boyfriend," I corrected quickly, harshly, before the crazy ladies took off running with the concept.

"Bull shit. You want each other. Why not?" Rose asked.

"Lets see... we barely know each other. He's been drunk 75 percent of the time we've actually been in each other's presence. Boyfriends and girlfriends usually touch. Um, he hasn't asked me yet... Take your pick of reasons."

"Those reasons are boring, and stupid, and I refuse to accept them."

I rolled my eyes, feeling frustrated and slightly amused at her refusal to accept anything I said.

"You know, it's a shame you've written him off as such a useless idiot. You act exactly the same sometimes."

"Please don't compare me to your deadbeat boufriend."

I glared at her for a second before we both broke into laughter. I attempted to throw the pillow at her, missing by a good four inches. Pancakes lept off of my bed in pursuit of it, forcing me to get up and grab both of them from the floor when he began sinking his teeth into the white fluff a little too wildly.

"This is certainly an interesting turn of events," Rosalie said as I settled back into my place on the end of my bed and dropped Pancakes into Jess' lap. "Poor Jacob Black spends all of his time trying to woo you into loving him, to no real avail. And all Edward Cullen has to do is chug tequila and leave his shit in your room, and bam! You are in deeper than you've ever been before."

"Don't bring Jacob into this, please," I mumbled, hating the fact that she was right about him probably wanting and trying for more than our friends-with-benefits arangement. We never spoke of it, so I acted as if his deeper interest in me wasn't really there. It was one of my most important pretends.

"Jacob Black worships you, Bella. I thought you knew," Jess interjected.

"She ignores it," Rose replied for me, sounding bored with everything again.

"That's all beside the point right now," I huffed, glaring at Rosalie for even bringing it up and becoming desperate to change the subject back to something I wanted to think about. Of course I landed on something concerning Edward. "Right now we're here to talk about shoes, remember?"

I pointed down at the shoes and looked back up to Rose, who sat up and pulled her gigantic purse over to her side.

"We're back on this again, are we?" she said lazily into her purse. "Again, they're just shoes, Bella. Look..." she reached in her purse and pulled out a pair of beat up Vans slip on sneakers that were very clearly large enough for Emmett feet, "when I set Emmett's gross shoes next to my heels it's not that...huh."

She threw the dirty sneakers onto my floor and kicked her black 3 inch heels next to them, all in a row like mine and Edward's red converse. But now she had stopped talking and was sort of just staring at the new little row of shoes, not saying anything.

"Well fuck me, that's actually adorable."

I almost fell off the bed from laughing too hard. I did fall onto my back and earned a whack on my foot from Rosalie, probably for the mere fact that I was laughing at her and she was ashamed she had feelings. Jess sat up and pushed me out of the way so she could see what was going on. She "awed" when she peered over the side of the bed at Rose and Em's shoes. Pancakes sat on my chest and licked my shoulder.

It was a happy, girly moment that was broken by the sound of a grown man opening my window and jumping through it onto my hard wood floor.

"Bella, I have a wonderful surprise!"

His voice cut right through me in a sweet, smooth way. The feeling of him being close to me contradicted the soothing feeling of his voice, though. Excitement ran through me and I sat up, thrilled and alarmed at his sudden presence, filled with relief and suddenly on edge.

Pancakes fluidly jumped off of my chest and into Edward's arms as I sat up. He was very near my bed now, very near me, leaning over and cuddling the dog to his chest though his emerald eyes were glued to mine. He looked happy and excited, and he had a food stain on his black hoodie. He wasn't even acknowledging the other girls in the room, but I don't think anyone really cared.

"Well if it isn't the Treemeister himself," I heard Rosalie murmur.

"Pancakes, did you miss Unlcle Eddie?" Jess asked in the sickeningly little voice she uses for the dog. She perched on her knees and petting Pancakes' head as Edward continued to coddle him and stare at me.

I wanted them to leave, the girls. I wanted to be alone with him and possibly pour cement all around my room so that neither of us could ever leave or be disturbed by anyone again. I was very unhealthily imagining what it would be like to only have him to talk to for the rest of time, and loving the idea of ridding the world of anything that could distract him from me.

A wave of panic pushed up my spine and spread down into my fingers and through my heart, bringing me back to reality in a counter-reaction to my sudden isolation desire. I could have Edward, someday, in some compacitly. But I had to control myself for now and get a hold of these unreasonable thoughts and urges, before I got carried away again and gave a boy everything too soon.

"Are you all right?" he asked quietly, handing the dog back to Jess and taking an inch of a step closer to me. I could feel him wanting to reach out and touch me. Everything in his eyes told me that he could see the panic fly through me. But he restrained his hands from reaching out. Oddly enough, that's what calmed me down the most. His trust in what I needed. His complete lack of panic at my craziness grew my faith in him and in whatever we were sharing.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Don't tell me you're fine if you aren't, please."

I smiled sweetly, sincerely. I missed his demands of my honestly.

"I'm fine."

When his eyes believed me his smile rose into a beautiful image of perfection, and we were all met once again with his uncontained excitement.

"Good. You're about to get even better!"

He turned and abruptly left my room, leaving me in shock. Rosalie was flipping through the 3 month old Rolling Stone magazine she'd grabbed off of my desk, and Jess was looking at me as if I knew what was going on.

The next moment Edward was walking back into my room. With another guy.

New guy was tall and thin, not as wiry as Edward but still of similar build. He had a leather jacket and cowboy boots on, giving him a look that I could truly call unique because it looked so natural on him, unlike others who force they style on themselves. His hair was long and twisted into odd angles. He wore a leather head band that stretched across his forehead and could be seen peeking out between the crazy twists of hair where it wrapped around the rest of his head. He was extremely attractive, in a different manner than Edward was, which didn't appeal to me the same way but was still something I could greatly appreciate. His lazy smile was endearing, as was the distant look in his eye. He brought with him a hint of a scent I barely recognized as pot.

"What is that?" Rosalie asked, finally turning her attention to the things happening outside of the pages of Rolling Stone and eyeing the new guy with disdain.

"That is Jasper. He's my best friend," Edward announced proudly, matching Jasper's carefree smile.

He looked at me, as if for approval, so I smiled back. I couldn't hide my confusion though.

"Is he from Chicago?" I hedged, thinking maybe his excitement was due to a life-long buddy being in town.

"No, man. But I lived in Chicago for 3 weeks when I was 19," Jasper responded.

"No shit!" Edward exclaimed, growing even happier. He directed his attention back to me and asked, "Isn't he great, Bella?"

"Yeah Bella, aren't you positively thrilled that your wacko boyfriend invited Jasper the Fabulous Dirty Hippie into your home?" Rosalie interjected in a classic sarcastic tone.

"Wait. Did you just call me her boyfriend? Did she just call me your boyfriend?" Edward asked frantically, turning from Rose to me in a flash, letting his eyes dance.

"Right on, E. That was way easier than you said it would be. This one's got to go down in wing man history. It has to be record time, wouldn't you say Blondie?"

Jasper sat down on the arm of Edward's chair and pulled on a strand of Rosalie's hair as he referred to her, earning him a pinch on the arm.

"Fuck, woman, that hurts," Jasper complained, though he didn't sound frantic or upset at all. Just calm and slightly annoyed.

"Don't touch my hair with your hippie hands."

"What is he talking about?" I asked Edward pointedly, ignoring Jasper and Rosalie's banter. "Wing man?"

"It's nothing-"

"What was easier than you said it would be?" I cut him off and asked, growing more specific in my questioning. I tilted my head to the side and heldg back the smirk that wanted to escape my lips at the charming way Edward looked extremely flustered.

"He's high Bella, he doesn't kno-," Edward fake laughed quietly.

"Jasper?" I inquired, turning my attentions to the guy that seemed to have even less of a filter than Edward.

"Earlier on this fine afternoon Edward enlisted me as his wingman extraordinaire in order to win over the fair Lady Stella."

He spoke with an air of a narrator, gesturing towards me and chuckling at the end of his small tale at something no one else seemed to catch on to.

It was all confusing but I got stuck on the very last part. Lady Stella?

"My name's Bella..."

"I told him that. He has trouble remembering things," Edward explained to me quickly. "It's endearing," he shrugged with a dazzling smile.

I threw him a doubtful look and he sat down next to me.

I looked down at the three small inches of air between us with worry and wonder. Pancakes jumped into Edward's lap and Jess scooted over to put a tiny hoodie on her dog, since it'd gotten chilly in the room with the window now wide open.

"Wow. Stella and the Boyfriend with the Pot Head Hippie Wingman. This is classic," Rosalie laughed.

"Sounds like tall, blonde, and bitchy over here needs a hit," Jasper drawled, pulling a joint out of a pocket in his leather jacket. "You ever consider chilling out, Blondie?"

"Please. I haven't smoked pot since my freshman year of high school," bored Rose responded, glancing at the extended offering.

"This isn't Alice, is it?" Jasper asked suddenly, sounding more concerned than I'm sure he ever has before, and pointing the joint at Rosalie.

"No way. This is Satan's bride. Alice, my angelic little sister, won't be here until next week, at least," Edward responded as he leaned back on his arms.

I turned to him with the intention of asking about what the hell was going on, but got distracted by the way he was staring at me. He had such a habit of this intense practice, and it made my skin crawl everytime I knew his eyes were on me. But the feeling wasn't all together unpleasant so I couldn't really ask him to stop. Not that I believed he would.

"Are you pawning your sweet little sister off on the hipster? She's going to love that," Rose laughed, pulling the joint from Jasper's fingers and sticking it behind her ear.

"Bella, am I your boyfriend?" Edward asked after the stare between us had heated up in the way only the two of us could feel.

"Um... no. I don't think so. Rosalie was just teasing," I responded quickly.

"Stop being an idiot, Stella. Let Tippy be your boyfriend," Rose chided, earning a laugh from Jasper.

"Tippy?" Edward asked her with a hint of contempt.

"I heard all about your tipsy adventure up the tree. Tispy led to Tippy... it's cute and demeaning. Let me have my fun."

"I like it," Jasper said, pulling again on a strand of Rose's hair.

She pinched him again and he laughed.

I'm not absolutely positive, but I'm almost sure a hint of a smile pull on her cheeks.

How about that? Rosalie likes Jasper.

"I thought Edward was Repunzel," Jess questioned suddenly.

"What the hell do girls talk about when we're not around?" Edward asked with a laugh.

"Lately it's been you, mostly," Rose snorted.

"Me? Her boyfriend?"

"Stop it. It was a joke, Edward," I sighed.

"If I'm your boyfriend does that mean I can touch you now?"

He leaned closer to me, and his tone was clearly playfull, but something inside of me went into default panic mode.

"No," I replied, leaning backwards and away from him as a reflex-reaction.

We were staring at each other again, but there was a different sort of tension this time. An uncomfortable, desperate version.

Rosalie saved me by standing up and putting her shoes back on. Her actions churned the air and brought a certain peace back to the small atmosphere of my room.

"Let's go, Jess. Emmett's a baby and refuses to go to bed without being tucked in."

Jess nodded and scooped up Pancakes from Edward's lap, then grabbed her purse and followed Rose to the door of my bedroom.

"You too, Hippie," Rosalie called over her shoulder.

I'm not sure how, but she understood that Edward and I needed to have a conversation alone.

Jasper stood up from the chair and scratched his head as he began to walk out.

"You good here, E?" he asked Edward, checking in like a good friend, I guess.

"I'm perfect here. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sounds good, man. I'll bring the mandolin. And the matches."

Edward nodded and waved with one hand. I didn't even want to know what kind of activities would warrant the need of mandolins and matches.

"Come on, Jasper. Don't forget I have your weed!" Rosalie yelled.

"Damnit, Blondie, chill! You can have it. Be gone your demons, woman!" we heard Jasper reply as he drifted into my living room and then eventually out the door with Rosalie and Jessica.

I heard the door click shut and then the lock turn into place. Rosalie had my back up key for the thousands of times I locked myself out.

"Wow, I missed you," Edward said when I turned back to his green stare and smiled.

"Yeah, me too."

"Yeah?"

"Of course."

His smirk was dark and grateful in response to my words. I felt shaky and centered as I sat there and stared at him, marveling a the contradictions he always created within me.

"Tell me something about you, Bella."

"Like what?"

"I don't care. Somthing no one else knows. Something everyone else knows. Something you like, or would die for, or want to scream about, or have cried over. Anything."

I sat and thought for a moment, so uncertain what is was I should share with him. A flash of blonde hair and blue eyes passed through my mind, taunting me with the perfect story to give to him: the key to my uncertainty and fear. The story of James.

I pushed it aside, not really wanting this night with him to be too heavy with those specific past burdens, but rather enjoyable. I wanted to laugh with him and create memories of strength and merriment.

"Or you could just become a mute. Fuck, Bella, I'm creative but I don't want to keep making up stories about you in my mind."

He sort of chuckled and I laughed as I threw him a disapproving look.

"I just don't know what to say. We still have practically everything to learn about each other."

"Can I ask you something, then?"

"Sure."

"Are you going to lean away from me everytime I move towards you?"

His eyes were serious and dangerously close to a hint of sadness. I felt my stomach drop to my feet at what my shameful reaction just minutes before had done to this boy.

"No, Edward. Someday I'm almost postivite I'll be leaning right back in to you."

I smiled at him in apology and reached towards him with my right hand. His eyes dropped to the movement and watched intently as my limb moved towards his body.

The way he was leaning back on his arms was causing the strings of the hoodie fall to both sides of him. I grabbed the one dangling from his left side and twisted it with my outstretched hand. I smirked when his eyes traveled back up from my hand to my face.

"Tease," he accused.

I laughed and shrugged.

"It's not that I don't want to be close to you, Edward. I do. I... this is going to sound so weird-"

"Bella, this whole thing between us is weird. You don't have to put a disclaimer in front of every fucking odd thing you feel about me."

"Right. Well, when I got out of the shower today and you weren't here I felt horrible. Well, that's not completely true, part of me was impressed you actually left... but the rest of me was sad that you were gone. I hate being away from you."

I was still fiddling with the hoodie string and I fought the urge to look down at it. My first reaction was to hide myself, at least me eyes, or shield my words with a bashful look or embarrased gesture. But Edward wouldn't do that. He told me what he felt and he owned it. I should start to do the same.

"If I could kiss you right now, I would," he whispered, pulling in the air of the room around us, creating an envelope of intimacy.

I felt my breathing deepening and growing heavy. I recognized this feeling, this urge of want and need that was starting to bubble in my stomach. My heart wasn't so eager to plunge into desire, however. It held it's little shield up and reminded me why I was twirling a string around my finger and not his tempting strands of hair.

The first time Jame's kissed me danced across my memory. Then the image of him walking away from me after telling me he just never truly felt what he said he did danced past right after, just as vivid as the kiss memory.

It was still scary and real. And though I was done mourning the boy in the images, I wasn't strong enough to keep myself from placing this new, more powerful boy in them as a prophecy of what could come to be. If I didn't get used to how good it was for his physical touch to ignite me then I couldn't fall to pieces when I realized I'd never have it again.

"I'm sorry," I responded, hearing the sorrow in my voice fight through the huskiness of longing.

"Don't be," he sighed, hiding his eyes from me for a spilt second by closing them. "When I do kiss you, it's going to be well worth the wait."

He winked at me and then leaned back even farther, resting his whole back on my bed and throwing his hands behind his head as a makeshift pillow. I hesitantly followed suit, resting on my side next to him. I let my hand wander back towards his chest and pick up the friendly little string again.

"My mother and father are divorced," I said, finally giving him a piece of information like he asked for earlier.

"When you were younger?"

"Yes. Three."

"Are you mad at them?"

"No. They weren't meant to be together, and it's sort of obvious whenever you get them in the same room. They're both good people and the split was mutual. They rushed into everything. Desire, marriage, parenthood, divorce."

I shrugged and bit my lip.

"I really want to kiss you when you do that," he breathed.

"Talk about divorce?"

He laughed at me.

"Bite your lip."

"Oh. Ok."

I wasn't sure what the proper response is to that so I settled for blushing.

"My parents are in the happiest marriage the world has ever known," Edward said with a sigh.

"I bet that's been nice to grow up around."

"It is amazing to see, honestly. The whole true love set up. What I don't get is how Alice and I got so fucked up in that department when we've had the perfect example in front of our faces every single day."

"So you blame your whoring ways on your parents pure love?" I laughed.

"Hey, I'm not a whore."

"I'm sorry. Do you prefer lady of the night?"

"Ha-ha. I've only had sex with one girl, Bella. Hopefully by the time I die it will have only been two."

He looked at me pointedly. I blushed and felt my legs light on fire from the inside. The urge to turn my apartment into a bomb shelter re-emerged.

"That's my goal, too," I replied quietly.

"I know it's a long shot, but please tell me that numero uno on your list isn't James."

My heavy sigh confirmed his suspicion. He punched the comforter and probably cursed under his breath.

I opened my mouth to say something about it being a happy memory, at least, one of the few I still had of James. But before I could speak, he did.

"I want to be your boyfriend, Bella."

That caught me off guard.

"Ok-"

"I tell people you're my girlfriend."

"Who? Jasper?"

"No, not Jasper. I knew he'd figure out it wasn't true when he saw us together. Plus if he's to be my wing man then he has to know the truth about everything, right? How else can he help me?"

"Oh yeah... where did all this business about a wing man come from?"

"Fate brought me Jasper today, Bella."

He smiled widely, happily, and I couldn't help but do the same even though he wasn't answering any of my questions. Edward happy made me happy, automatically.

"It did, did it?"

"Actually a suicidal rabbit crossing the highway and my road rage brought me Jasper, but fate sounds more enticing."

"That's sweet. But I'm still not being educated about the wing man thing."

"I've enlisted his services as a friend and confidant, that's all. The title's mostly for fun. He's going to help me woo you."

I snorted.

"I may have trust issues the size of Russia, but I assure you, Edward. I'm effficiently wooed already."

Whatever happens to him that makes his features appear darker happened, and he was even more enticing than the moment before. The crookedness of his smile was relentless. My heart beat sped up.

"Good. Doesn't matter, though. I still want to keep him."

"He did seem sort of fun," I relented, because I honestly did find Jasper interesting. He pushed Rose's buttons and didn't venture far beyond three simple emotions. I'd never really encountered that before.

"Do you know what we did today? We played music and ate Chinese food and discussed the sociological effects jazz music's had on America. He gave me this, too."

Edward pulled up the sleeve of his hoodie and revealed a thin leather strap curled twice around his inked wrist. It was dark and worn. And it matched the one Jasper had been wearing on his head.

"You have friendship bracelets?" I laughed, pulling hard on the hoodie string in amusement, causing it to scrunch up one side of the hood.

"They aren't bracelets," he laughed, sounding offended in the way boys do when they think their manhood is being threatened, "it's a spirit band or some shit like that."

"Spirit band?"

"It sounds fruity, I know. It's all about what's on the inside, what connects all of us, and... damnit, he explains it better than I do, all right?"

He chuckled and I look down at his wrist which was now resting on his chest skeptically.

He examined it closely as I examined him closely, deciding that perhaps Jasper was a really good influence on Edward, despite the pot and the nonchalance and the crazy hippie vibe. His eyes pulled up to meet mine, and when he met my furrowed brow he sighed heavily.

"Fuck. They're friendship spirit bands, I guess."

I rolled onto my back, finally letting go of the hoodie string, and laughed at his admission.

"Bella, can I tell you something about me?" he asked, and as I turned my head to face his I saw that he was smiling at me, but looking very serious at the same time.

"Of course."

"I've never had a best friend before. Or any real friends for that matter."

"Too distracted with all the women?" I asked, only half joking around with him.

"That, and the fact that I've never really found anyone worth investing in."

His eyes were hard and true. His statements blunt, just like always. I'd never heard anyone speak so frankly about people before. He wasn't being cruel, though. I was starting to realize that Edward was as lost as I was, just in a different way. My heart had lost it's ability to hand over trust to a man. Somewhere along the line he'd lost the natural need for other people; true companionship.

"So this is kind of a big deal to me," he continued quietly as we stared at each other, lying side by side on my bed, our faces a foot apart.

"Jasper's a big deal to you?" I asked sincerely, trying to understand.

"All of you are. My whole entire life Alice has been my only constant in terms of a friend figure. She's great, but she can only provide me with so much, you know? Now every thing's changing. You are my future, and Jasper's my brother, and the rest of them, Jess and Newton, Emmett and his demon lady... they're pretty fucking all right, too. I don't know. I don't do this kind of stuff normally. Form relationships."

"What makes us so different?"

"I don't know. You're all just worth it."

I nodded my head a little bit, understanding what he meant because I wouldn't want to give any of them up either. Clearly I wasn't well acquainted with Jasper yet, but Edward had only known the rest of us for a few weeks and he was declaring his undying devotion to the group. If Edward found so much attractive about a friendship with Jasper then I had a feeling it wouldn't take long for the wing man to grow on me, too.

"What you did with the shoes freaked me the eff out," I said after a silent moment, remembering that we still hadn't discussed it and we probably should since I was supposed to be getting used to being completely open with him.

"I couldn't help it."

"Did you walk home barefoot?"

"Well, yeah."

"Weren't your feet cold. It's so cold out these days."

"I wasn't really worried about it. Why did it freak you out so much?"

"I think... because... it looks so right."

That statement earned me a soft, alluring smile.

"Marry me, Bella."

That one earned him a dropped jaw.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

I blinked a few times, waiting for him to laugh and tell me I needed to relax, he was just teasing because he loved seeing me caught of guard.

He stayed solemn, though. The only hint of movement was the fire in his eyes, green flames burning into me with nothing but solid sincerity.

"You can't be serious."

"Why not? You said it yourself, it's right."

"I said that our shoes look right sitting next to each other on my floor."

"Same thing."

"No, Edward. You setting our red converse in a line on my bedroom floor is not even in the same general family as a marriage proposal!"

"Fine, fine. Don't accept it tonight," he huffed, crossing his arms across his chest and sounding like an annoyed, petulant, overgrown child.

I stared at him in wonder, disbelieving that he could even exist. He was so odd and unpredictable. So irritating and wonderful. Scary and beautiful and entirely too capable of making me irrational.

"You're going to ask again, aren't you?" I accused.

"Every day, probably," he admitted shortly without turning his face towards me.

He was still pouting. I was still gaping.

"I'm not going to say yes anytime soon."

"But you will someday."

"I don't... I mean I can't even handle you touching me right now..."

"Isabella Marie Cullen. I like it."

I do too. Shit, shit, shit...

"Stop it. This is too much."

"Marry me."

"No."

I could see him fighting for control of himself and I really believed that in that moment he thought he wanted to marry me. Me. The crazy girl that freaked out when he left me for Chicago then freaked out some more when he came back and laid his finger on my skin.

Something wasn't right with either of us.

"It's not right for you to ask me like this," I accused, trying to hold my own and rationally explain to him why we were not getting married after knowing each other for two weeks and two days.

"That's bull. No matter how I ask you, it's right. All that matters is that it's me asking you."

"Girls dream about this moment their entire lives-"

"Well wake up, baby, because it's happening in real life, right now."

I pursed my lips and fought the urge to smile, or scream, or just let my mouth hang open in disbelief. He wasn't hinting at humor at all, though. Instead he was all dark, sincere seriousness, staring at me with determination and a look I never, ever remembered James giving me.

"No."

"Not tonight, you mean."

"Not tonight and not anytime soon."

"But someday."

It's like he needed the reassurance from me, that someday we'd be wed and have the whole dream come true. I honestly couldn't even imagine it. And I tried. I laid there and attempted whole heartedly to envision it all. But my mind wouldn't let me form the images of he and I as husband and wife, buying houses or taking vacations, or lounging around on a lazy Sunday. Sure, when the scene was of him walking away from me I could produce that in an instant. But one of a happily ever after? It was blocked by some giant wall my insides had erected thanks to another boy who carelessly ruined my ability to love easily.

I still wasn't equipped enough to believe it wasn't all pretend.

"Can we talk about something else, please?" I requested in a small voice, begging him with my eyes.

He sighed very heavily and raked a hand down his face before nodding and staring up at the ceiling.

"For the record, though," he began quietly, "I'm not trying to push you. I'm just going after what I want, because that's how I do life. I'm already yours, Bella. You know that. Boyfriend or not, fiance or not... it's true and I will not deny it, nor will I let you deny it. And in my head you're already mine. To believe otherwise is what isn't right."

My air caught in my lungs and my throat closed up. Everything in me tightened in a good or bad way, I'm still not sure.

His?

His.

I couldn't completely deny it.

Scary.

"We can't keep talking like this," I concluded, choosing not to confirm his declaration but rather to evade it.

I shook my head slightly to myself and bit my lip as I thought out loud. "I know that we feel the same, unexplicable things, Edward. But we live in a real world with real expectations and ways of doing things. It just doesn't happen like this."

"I know. But it is."

His voice was tight, his arms still crossed. I was pissing him off. But I needed to convey my feelings and see if he could hear me out.

"I understand that you're upset with me-"

"I'm fucking pissed that this isn't easier for you to deal with, but I'm not mad at you, Bella-"

"All right, fine. You're upset with the situation then... and it's sort of my fault because I can't change myself... but I need this to be more natural. Remember? I need to pretend."

"But you're so real to me," he replied with the velvet that I was used to hearing from him. He was crossing over into pleading with me.

"You're too real to me," I replied, begging him with my voice to look at me again.

When he did it was good, because we were reconnected and back on the same team the second our eyes reunited. He softened and I put on my brave face.

"I don't like fighting with you," I said, picking up the string again and attempting to use my best apologetic expression.

"Well if you're so damn hell bent on doing this normally then you should get used to it, Swan. That's what real people who care about each other do. So either way we're destined to tear each other's throats out once in a while."

"Oh, so we have a shot at being boring and normal?" I asked teasingly, scrunching up my nose in faux disgust.

He chuckled at me and took the string from my grip, then reached over and began lightly tracing the my face with it.

"Nice try. I've already climbed your tree twice and you want me so much you won't let me touch you."

"Right. Not normal."

He must think I'm cute enough to put up with, because he smiled sweetly and winked at me and every previous trace of annoyance left his face in an instant.

"Never. At this point, with our ensemble of misfit toys, it just wouldn't be right."

I nodded and laughed with him. Then I asked him to stay over. Of course he agreed, moving our line of red shoes over to an area where they wouldn't be disturbed before he settled into his chair, kicking off his brown Vans and pulling the zebra blanket down around him.

We said goodnight to Marie and Anthony, then Edward blew me a kiss and closed his eyes.

When I came back into my bedroom after changing in to my pajamas and doing all of the normal, girly, getting ready for bed rituals in the bathroom he was already asleep.

I noticed the black hoodie on the arm of the chair where he'd apparently discarded it before slipping into sleep. I walked over and grabbed it before heading to bed, wrapping it around me and pulling his wonderful smell into my soul.

A lot of things about us weren't right (yet). But a whole hell of a lot more was.