Well hi again! You guys have me so amazed, impressed, stunned and fascinated I've decided as long as I'm this happy, it's okay to update new chapters quite often, I usually take some days more but I'm trying to write fast and publish fast. So, I'm gonna try answer all the Guest reviews now, because I'm always hundred percent super thankful for all the reviews, and I always –if I skipped you please let me know- respond all the reviews, but if they are from Guests, I can only do it here. So if you aren't a Guest who left a review, you can just go lower and start reading, let me tell you is an emotional chapter, and I've been told I should let people know of these things.

Guest from October 31: Thanks so much! I think you'll like this chapter quite a lot, it has to do with what you said.

Guest from October 31 (2): I hadn't realized how much I needed this either! Thanks a lot mate!

Guest from November 3: Beca is able to lie, only that she is not comfortable with that and she never does it unless it's to protect something really important.

Guest from November 3 (2): Thank you very much, love your excitement.

VanesaR: Thanks girl, it's right, I'm happy to see you think the same way I do. Poor Beca, so misunderstood by the world.

Guests from November 4 chapters 2&3: It's beautiful to see how addicted you are. I feel ya!

CrimsonMoonlight: Thank you! 3

Sam: Thanks, I'm learning a lot too!

Cally: You're totally right and I've really tried, but it's hard because the format changes a lot from Word to the web, and when I finally get to see how it's gonna be in the Web I've already finished the chapters and about to publish them and then breaking paragraphs to make them shorter would mean breaking Grammar laws of organizing paragraphs by topics. But I'll keep trying 'cause it's true. But if you find the appearance bothers you a lot, FF has settings that are right before the chapter starts and there you can change the lightning, the sizes, and many things that maybe make it easier for you, I use those settings a lot when reading fics.

Guests from November 5 chapter 3: I love your excitement! And about that question, I hadn't really thought about it until you asked, but now you say it I think it could have something to do, totally. But also, you know, for her, body language is something she really has to mull over, and that even if with the years and help from her loved ones she can get to some understanding and get certain things, is still like trying to learn a new language; you may know some words and expressions, but you never know if they're saying what they want to mean or it's sarcasm, or you may not know some words or expressions sometimes. So I imagine Chloe's situation stressed her a lot, because she could not tell what was going on the same she couldn't really tell what was going on until she suddenly was being raped, you know? And I imagine she just went like "just in case, better prevent this than being sorry afterwards if I did nothing." And she did it.

Jake: Jake friend, you have no idea how much you are helping me out, seriously, you must be an angel sent from heaven or something. Thanks for replying to my questions too, I'm just so thankful to have you because you make me have more faith in what I write and be less insecure about it because I know I have your approval. This chapter is quite dramatic too, and I actually went over it twice because I wasn't sure I was portraying Beca's Aspergers correctly in this one, so I made a few last minute changes and I think it's better know. From time to time I go all over everything I've researched to keep it fresh in my mind and absorb that way to be as best as I can. Thanks again Jake, I love you like it so much, it's a relief and I'm flattered you're so good with me and this fic!

Chapter 4:

It didn't matter how much they looked for Beca, even calling her father, there was no way to find her. In more than twelve hours, nobody knew anything about her, and not even police could find her. She had vanished, didn't pick up her phone, and Trebles, Bellas, and Beca's dad and step mother, with police, teamed up together to find her, but after fourteen hours, police decided she didn't want to be found, and that they should wait a day and then, if she was still gone, they would give her as a lost girl, and put patrols to go find her.

It was noon already, and, tired from searching for Beca the whole night, the Bellas and Jesse decided to have lunch together at the Bellas' place so Jesse could explain them what happened.

"This guy just raped her, and that was it. She got really depressed, she was already frequent with depression because yeah, she has Aspergers, so this just worsened it, and she almost killed herself, but fortunately, she didn't. But she killed a child she didn't know she was carrying, and that got her even worse. She was some time in a mental health hospital, and she already went once a week to a therapist since she was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome when she was ten, so it was same old routine" Jesse was explaining, fidgeting with a food he had barely touched "I wasn't that night to prevent her for being raped. She has always been very independent, sometimes she went to parties or with bad people and nobody could even start trying to guess where she was. That was one of those nights. He wasn't supposed to find her, police never got enough to arrest him, but her father and I talked with his parents, who fortunately believed us and between that and threatening the kid, it was supposed to be over."

"Where do you think she is?" Chloe know her "You've known her for the longest."

Jesse shook his head.

"We are Mainers. She barely knows this place or Atlanta, there's no place I could think of apart from the auditorium and a few more we've already been at and she wasn't there. Even if we had grown here, she still has Aspergers, and she is still very independent, she would have never let me or anyone know she particularly liked a place. She loves routines, she had a very scheduled day after day, and she has already missed the radio station in the morning time, so I guess she has no interest in keeping up with her schedule. If she doesn't want to be found, believe me, nobody will find her. What has her dad and me so worried is that, she has actually tried to kill herself… between you guys and I, six times in eight years. But her father only knows of four, and it's better that way, she already talks about it with her therapist. But she could go for the seventh now, and after failing six times, I think she won't fail anymore."

"So we really have to find her" Aubrey summarized, and Jesse nodded.

"Alright, let's just think, where would we go if we wanted to be alone and we were incredibly sad?" Stacie asked. There was a minute of silence, and then Chloe got up.

"I think I know where she might be" she said, and Jesse stood up too "No offense, Jesse, but I think it's better if I go alone. If she's not alright, and wants to be alone, she won't want much people to go and harass her, she will close up."

"But you don't know how to deal with her Aspergers. You should let me go."

"I'll find a way. I think I understand her, from woman to woman… anyway, if I need you, I swear I'll call you. But now I'm going alone."

It was winter, past New Years' Eve, and despite being past noon, it was still really cold and snowy outside, so Chloe brought with her the warmest of her blankets so she had it for Beca if she found her. In the outsides of Barden, there was a tiny river that was crossed by a tiny bridge, and the river had too little volume, it was mostly water running between stones with some fishes on it, and the water was very clear and hadn't froze, only around the rocks. Chloe knew Beca had seen the place because it was easy to see from the road when one was on the way to downtown, where Chloe knew Beca would have to go for her therapy sessions every Saturday, and she had a gut feeling that Beca would be there. The bridge wasn't for cars, only for people, and she easily got to the shore of the river, and not long after, she spotted a figure sitting under the bridge, hugging her knees and crying silently. There was snow around them, and Beca was sitting in a rock with her back against the bridge's wall, and her feet a few centimeters from the shore of the river. Chloe sent a text to Ben Mitchell and another to Jesse and Aubrey letting them know she found Beca alive and safe, and that she was going to take care of her, and walked slowly and cautiously to her, and saw she had her forehead rested on her knees and she sobbed very quietly.

"Beca?" Chloe asked cautiously, with a tender voice, but Beca didn't seem to care. The ginger sat in the same rock as Beca, right beside her, and pulled the blanket she had brought over the brunette, making sure it covered her properly, and then, afraid that she would bother the brunette too much if she hugged her like she so desperately wanted to, she settled with making circles in Beca's back with a finger "Beca, it's alright. We know everything, but we don't care, we are still your friends, we all still love you and care about you. Everyone's so worried; we've been looking for you ever since you left. We all really want to help you sweetie, nobody is going to mess with you, nobody hates you or anything" she said tenderly and slowly, taking her own time and giving Beca time to really listen to her and believe her "That guy Justin spent the night in prison, and Aubrey and Jesse got to him before anybody else and kicked his ass nicely. Your dad didn't have enough to keep him arrested, but police did tell the boy if he ever got any close to you again, they would have him in prison for harass." Chloe leaned forward trying to catch a glimpse of Beca's face, unsuccessfully. The brunette wasn't crying anymore, she was just sniffling and breathing deeply and soundly "It's really cold in here Beca, you could get sick. What do you think if we go to my car and stay there, or go somewhere else? We could do whatever you want."

Beca nodded silently, and sat straight using her hands to hold the blanket tighter against her. Her cheeks were pink, so was her nose, and her lips were pale. Her cold was understandable, given the fact that it was December in Atlanta –Barden was in the outsides of Atlanta- where they had been the night before for the competition, and she had been all alone walking errands around Atlanta for the past fifteen hours or so, without a car to go back home, and nobody had been able to find her.

"I'm hungry" Beca whispered "I wasted a-all my money i-in a motel last night" her voice was hoarse and trembling, part from the crying, and part from the freezing temperatures. She was only wearing her performing attire and a long black coat that wasn't warm enough to be all that time walking around a snowy city.

Chloe felt her heart shrink, she herself was cold and was properly dressed, she couldn't even imagine Beca. All sad, confused, hungry and alone in a cold city in winter. And something that got to Chloe a lot was the fact that it was one of the fewest times she had heard a major grade of emotion in Beca's voice, hearing so much in that voice she didn't even know where to start. She then nodded quickly and stood up, motioning with her hand for Beca to stand up too.

"Come on, we'll go to the Bellas' house and you have a room there to get warm and comfy or maybe have a warm shower while I prepare something for you to eat, okay?" Beca nodded and followed Chloe until they got into the car and Chloe started driving fast, but not too much. Beca just closed her eyes with her head on the window hugging herself with the blanket around her tiny body, enjoying the warm temperature of the car and still sniffling a bit from time to time. Chloe drove in silence, not knowing what to say but also knowing the circumstances were kind of special since Beca wasn't any other ordinary girl, so she would let Beca decide what to do.

"Could you do me another favor Chloe?" Beca asked, more calmed, when Chloe was parking in front of the house. Chloe hummed in acceptance and nodded looking at her. "Jesse, my dad and the Bellas are all there, right?"

"Jesse and the Bellas, yes. Jesse sent your father home to rest, after we were looking for you all night. But don't worry about him, I already texted him and let him and the others know I found you."

"Right. Well, they are going to have so many questions, and… I'm too tired, emotionally and physically, to have proper answers" Beca expressed, looking at her knees, which still had, like her hair, some snow around.

"Don't worry about that. I'll take care of them, you just go upstairs, keep walking until you find the attic, we made a nice room out of it and it's completely ready for you. No one will bother you there and it's calm and quiet, although it doesn't have a door, just the stairs, and it's kind of tiny. But it has its own bathroom" Chloe explained.

"It'll be perfect for me" Beca said honestly "Thanks Chloe. For everything… I'm still assimilating the fact that you didn't run away after knowing I'm an Aspie." Beca whispered not looking at her, and Chloe smiled a bit.

"I would never run away from you Beca. You are my friend, our friend, and friends do whatever they can to make each other happy, remember?" Beca curved her lips into a tiny smile, but it was enough for her "Come on, let's get you warm. I'll let you some warm pajamas if you want."

Beca nodded and they got into the house. As they had suspected, the Bellas and Jesse immediately appeared at the living room's doorstep, but Chloe motioned for Beca to go upstairs, which she did without blinking twice. Chloe stood by the door to confront the others.

"She's tired, cold, and hungry, so I'm gonna make her something for lunch. With that I mean, she's in any condition to be interrogated, pressured, or to talk about anything at all unless she starts it on her own, and that she will probably take a very long nap" she quickly, but kindly, said "She's very thankful for our efforts trying to find her, but she can't do the talking part right now, and she's an Aspie, so I guess hugging her won't really help, right?" she looked at Jesse, who sadly nodded "We better just let her be until she feels better enough to talk if that's what she want, she also has a therapist anyway so…" she shrugged "Jesse, she's in good hands, I assure you."

Jesse looked thoughtful for a second, looking to the stairs, and then nodded.

"Thanks Chloe. Uh, when you texted you found her, I thought she would need some clothes. I went and, well, there's a bag in the living with clean underwear, a pajama and warmer clothes in case she wants to stay here for a while." Jesse explained.

"I'll go warm up some leftovers from lunch" Aubrey said, going to the kitchen.

"I'll go help her" Emily added, going after her. Chloe nodded nervously.

"I'm gonna go check on her" Chloe said "please don't be too loud, okay? Even if it's the attic, it will still be heard if you cross the line."

"Don't worry Chlo, we'll be good" Stacie assured.

"Yeah, tell her we're here for whatever she needs, anytime" Cynthia added. Chloe nodded, smiled, and left upstairs.

When she arrived the attic, a bit breathless from running upstairs, she found her blanket perfectly folded on the desk's chair, but a bunch of clothes with some snow lying on the ground. A small smile appeared on Chloe's face with the realization that Beca cared more about Chloe's things, that about her own. And then people said they were rude and cold, crazy. Then, the ginger heard the shower open, so she took the clothes and put them in the basket they had in each bedroom for the clothes that were to be washed, and put the shoes aside. It was a tiny room, with an en suite little bathroom, the ceiling formed a light triangle due to the roof, and the only window was in the ceiling surrounded by the roof's tiles, and in that moment it was closed and had a bit of snow covering it. There was an individual bed that was still big for an individual bed, a desk with a chair, a bookshelf, a puff bean chair, a chest of drawers, and some shelves in the walls. There was also some light decoration, and the room was pretty warm and welcoming in general. Chloe had taken Beca's clothes bag before coming up, so she opened it and took the pajama out, and knocked the bathroom's door.

"Beca? I'm Chloe!"

"I'm showering!"

"I know, I'm going to give you a pajama Jesse brought you alright? I'll keep my eyes closed!" she closed her eyes, opened the door, quickly left the clothes by the sink, knowing where it was, and left. She sat on the bed and, by the time Beca came out, with a tired face, looking much less pale, and a warm pajama on, Aubrey had already left a tray of food on the desk and Chloe had already organized Beca's stuff from her bag into the drawers and sat by the feet of the bed, looking around distractedly.

"Thanks a lot Chloe" Beca murmured fidgeting with a ring in her finger while looking down and going to the tray and picking up a sandwich. Chloe shook her head and smiled.

"That's what friends are for" Beca sat on the chair by the desk while eating, and when she finished, she went to get comfortable on the bed, covering herself properly with the duvet with Chloe's assistance. Chloe sat on the side of the bed and Beca curled "How are you feeling?" she asked tenderly.

"Like shit" Beca said openly "but you did a lot. Shower, food, and now sleeping are all I needed. So, Jesse told you all everything about everything I guess."

"He didn't dwell much on the details, but yeah. He told us what happened with that guy of last night, he told us about your Aspergers', and nobody took it bad" Chloe explained "and with that I mean in the good way, nobody felt nothing but love and compassion towards you. They still wanted me to let you know they're willing to do whatever you need and whenever you want for you."

Beca nodded vaguely, snuggling more under the covers with her eyes closed. She felt like her head was about to explode from all the doubts, the questions, and the embarrassment in her mind, but she was tired above it all, so she focused on one step at a time, and now, it was resting.

"Chloe, could you do me one last favor?" she whispered after some time in silence.

"Sure" Chloe nodded, holding back the temptation of caressing Beca's messy hair.

"Whenever I wake up, I want to talk with Jesse. Maybe you could call him?"

"Yeah, I'll take care of that. By the way, your cell was without battery in your pockets, it's now charging on the desk" Chloe informed with a soft whisper, realizing Beca's breath was evening quickly, indicating she was about to fall asleep. Chloe smiled when she realized the brunette was definitely sleeping, and leaned forward stroking the locks of brown hair that fell over Beca's forehead, putting them away softly and leaning to put a soft kiss on her forehead "Sweet child…" Chloe shook her head and leaned back "May you sleep well Bec..." she stood up, took the tray with the empty ashes, and left the room to go down to the living room and let herself fall on the couch beside Aubrey, who handed her a mug of tea from the coffee table, and Jesse, who was sitting at Aubrey's other side, with Flo sitting beside him too. Emily, Fat Amy, Stacie, Ashley and Jessica were in the other couch y Lilly and Cynthia-Rose were on puff bean chairs. They all looked drained after having been awake all night and had taken only a couple short naps ever since they arrived home. It was Christmas holiday soon, so they hadn't a lot else to do, because teachers sent less stuff as holidays arrived. The whole group was holding either coffee or tea mugs in their hands.

"How is she?" Jesse asked.

"Took a shower, ate properly, and fell asleep rather quickly" Chloe explained "she also mentioned she wanted you to be the first person she talked with when she woke up." Jesse nodded.

"Did she say where she was all night?" Emily asked.

"She slept in a motel and spent the rest of the time just walking errands around Atlanta, so I guess we should be thankful the cold didn't kill her." Chloe replied, and Jesse chuckled.

"That would be ironic, all the times she unsuccessfully tried, and then all this time all she had to do was stay in the streets all night in December" he commented.

"You aren't mad at her, aren't you?" Aubrey asked looking at him.

"Of course not, I've known her forever, I understand" Jesse replied "But nothing stops me from being angry with that Justin. Damn bugger, had I gotten my hands on him back in Portland, and he would've never dared to get any closer to her ever again."

"What I don't understand" Fat Amy said "is how he got away without even going to prison in Portland. I mean, he's a fucking rapist, he should be there forever."

"There was a trial, back in Portland" Jesse explained "but we only had Beca's word, a fifteen years old girl who got drunk at a party and did something she regretted, that's how they saw it. They probably have loads of those things every year and little are true rape cases, so I guess they thought it was just that. And we barely got a couple witnesses, but at a party where most of them where older than eighteen or nineteen, what do you expect? They were all too drunk, or too drugged up to remember, and the few that remembered something, only remembered them talking or being a bit touchy, nothing else. And what everyone thought was that she was looking for something to happen, not that she couldn't actually understand his body language and get he was about to rape her. So the judge made his own mental version of what happened and nothing we said was even considered. We came with doctor's documents and stuff, proving she had Aspergers and just couldn't have known what he wanted, that she wasn't even a touchy person, I spoke to them, her family did, my family did, but it was all for nothing. They ended up saying it was consensual sex, and let the bastard go free. Then Beca got really depressed, and one day went to another party where she purposely crossed the line with alcohol, smoking and stuff, and ended up really bad, but I took care of it and between her therapist and I, nobody else knew nothing." He stopped and took a deep breath "Sometime later, we were at our high school and she made a teacher go find me because she had severe abdominal pain and wouldn't let the nurse touch her, so I convinced her to go to the hospital and helped her stand seeing a doc, then she started bleeding, and apparently she was pregnant and was having an abortion, so it wasn't followed by good weeks. But I told her if she tried anything, I wasn't going to cover her, and her parents would sent her to a mental health hospital for the third time, and she had gotten out traumatized from the first two, so she was a good girl. That's how fair justice is sometimes." He shrugged, and leaned back against the back of the couch.

The Bellas then proceeded to make all kinds of upset comments about how unfair that had been, and how innocent and good Beca was, and the kind of comments she would have loved to hear because she never had such strong support from any friend but Jesse in her whole life. But instead, she was snuggled in her bed, or at least the bed that was temporary assigned to her, too comfortable in her warm, welcoming spot, too immersed in her dreams, to even start caring about what happened anywhere else.

When she woke up, it was already past seven in the afternoon, and she opened her eyes to the smell of clean sheets and the shampoo she had used earlier, and now her arms and legs had spread under the duvet and she was facing the wooden trunks that were in the ceiling supporting it. She quickly remembered where she was and what things had happened in the last day, and then suddenly coughed, and hated herself because anyone with her IQ would purposely go as crazy as she had went the night before and walked around a city in winter, and then have a shower, and get in bed with the hair wet, she deserved that cold she was certain she had gotten. She got out of bed, her mind already getting anxious about the social gatherings that were waiting for her, the explanations, the faces she had learnt to understand, her father's disappointment, Jesse's… And then, as she found her school bag next to her bed with some of her clothes, so she took a sweatshirt, put it on, and sat on the bed to put her shoes on because she was cold, as she did all of this, she started getting angry. Angry at her Aspergers, which wasn't new, angry at her luck, that got fucking Justin back -and what was even doing in Atlanta? He was from Portland, that was quite far away, and as far as she knew, he should be in college somewhere and he definitely wasn't in Barden, she checked the whole students' lists before she even packed her bags to go- she was angry that she did something reckless and stupid again, that got her sick, her father probably too worried to even eat properly, her friends worried, everybody looking all night for her instead of sleeping… She hated dramas, and she hated even more be the one causing them, but it was always happening. At the same time she felt all the anger, she felt all the sadness that come from spending a day wandering around somewhere strange sinking in your memories of rape, miscarriage, hospitals, mental hospitals, pills, drugs, alcohol, smoke, trying to learn to be a normal human being who understood social stuff, failing, trying to end everything, failing, trying to have friends and maybe even a successful love life, failing, and then, for example, saying goodbye to all of her grandparents in the same years she had to deal with her Aspergers, and never, not even when they were sick and dying, being able to show a human side to them that could look at them in the eye, hug them, kiss them, or show how much she cared for them like they so much wanted. Beca just relived each of her bad memories with her damn good memory, and suddenly she didn't even know why she was the saddest, or what could she do with that lump in her throat. And now, she had to explain everything, even if she didn't understand it herself, because her secrets, or a good part of them, were out. She had to explain things as painful as it was to know her grandparents, that she loved with all her being and that were always so good with her, and did so much for her, left thinking she didn't care one bit. That she was some sort of monster. But, wasn't that what everybody ended up thinking?

She then took a deep breath, opened her eyes, that she didn't realize she had closed, to face the floor, and then stood up, took a notebook she had always on the bag, that was actually her school's bag, took another deep breath, and as fast as she could to avoid having doubts and regrets, went downstairs. She barely knew the house for having been there from time to time to rehearse sometimes, show mixes to the girls, or helping them with some class stuff while pretending she wasn't that intelligent, just had very intelligent family, but she easily found the living room, and weirdly enough, everybody was there. Jesse had taken a book and was reading it quite focused on it, Chloe was chatting with Aubrey, Fat Amy, and Flo, Emily was probably writing a new song on the couch, Jessica and Stacie were focused on something in the TV, that was at a low tone, Ashley was just sitting thinking on her things, and Lilly was playing with her cell or something. Beca knocked on the doorframe, and everyone moved their eyes to her, and then composed smiles, which was weird for Beca, but she got past it quickly, and bit her lip softly walking inside and trying to look at everyone without really focusing on anyone's faces.

"Hey" Beca said, and she was the first surprised with how her voice sounded, not like a person with a heavy cold, but like a person who spent the night singing with her whole throat or had just smoked a pack of cigarettes, so she cleared her voice, and then, she sounded at least a bit better.

"Beca" Jesse stood up, but didn't move towards her, knowing it would make her anxious "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, yes I did" Beca replied nodding and sat on the couch with her notebook on her knees and between her hands, next to Chloe, Aubrey, Fat Amy and Flo. Jesse also went back to his seat "So uh… firstly, I guess I should say thank you all for everything. Looking for me, finding me, making food for me, bringing my bag with some of my most important stuff, giving me a room and a bed, and just handling things so well so I could have time to rest and clear my mind a bit. I know today has been kind of crazy, and I know you're not used to the craziness that sometimes happens around me like Jesse and I sort of are, so I'm sorry you got in the middle of it all. I'm sorry I ran away, I'm sorry a stupid asshole came and make you think God knows what about me, I'm sorry instead of spending the night celebrating you spent it looking for me with all the snow and everything, I'm sorry you had to see how things get then, how my father gets, and of course the quid of the question, the Aspergers thing" she nodded and shrugged to herself, mostly "I'm so, so sorry you had to find out like this. And also know that I was raped, lost a baby and… you told them about my obsession with trying to kill myself, didn't you?" she added in a joking tone to break the tension a bit, looking at Jesse, who nodded "Yeah… well, now you know. The other stuff, I would have probably never told a single soul if it hadn't come up like this, but that I have Aspergers Syndrome, that I wanted to tell you so bad since so long. I guess I was scared it would happen what it also happens, people go away, people realize they were right and I'm the weirdest between the weirdoes, and I would be lonely and depressed again, and I didn't thought I could stand it again. I already tried to kill myself the night Chloe and I fought at that party and it didn't even had something to do with you" she added looking at Chloe, who was suddenly very pale "It had absolutely zero to do with you, I swear. It just, I've had Aspergers since forever, being diagnosed was just putting a name and a explanation to a bunch of weird stuff I did or did not during ten anxious years, but it was always there, I had no friends in Elementary except Jesse because of that, for God's sakes. And you can't even start to imagine how many days, how many little, little stuff can happen to me in a normal day, in a normal hour, how many things I can see, hear, or something, that will be like kicks on my butt. And sometimes more than kicks on my butt are stabs in the stomach, that I've had to grow up and learn to get over them and not let them get to me that much, but the entire Universe can't go tiptoeing around me just in case I end up dead one day, so please don't do it because I'm still trying hard to learn, I might be really intelligent, but that's the only topic I'm worse at than I am at dancing" she said, again trying to put some humor there "Just don't worry too much, I already have anything I could need and I know somehow things will get better, someday. And you guys can ask me anything you want to know, answers are the least I can give. I know I said I wanted to talk with you first" she added looking at Jesse in the eyes with a tiny smile "guess I changed my mind as I walked downstairs. But I do have one thing to tell you."

"Yeah, what?" Jesse asked with a grin.

"I did keep my promise, I always do" she replied putting a serious face he mirrored, confused "The fifth time, when I drank so much, and played with those really dangerous drugs? When you made me promise I would never, ever try to kill myself again? I kept that promise. There was never sixth time" she explained, but Jesse only looked more confused "I didn't actually try to kill myself the night of the party. To try, you have to think that's what you want to do, and you have to put a certain amount of effort into thinking how and what are you going to do. And if I had died that night, I would've had to kick my own ass because it would've been an accident I learned a lot from, that came from how becloud I was from all the thinking, crying and just being sad. What really happened was that I drank, but not enough to kill myself and I was controlling it, but because I've already drank a lot in my life since too young for my own good, I knew nothing bad could happen. But then I felt a panic attack rising, and I had my anxiety pills, so I took them, the normal amount recommended by the doc, nothing crazy, and was stupid enough to think nothing would actually happen if I took them while drinking because if I had really tried to kill myself before and nothing happened, why would it happen now? I didn't even realize I had passed out until you woke me up. The pills I threw up weren't drugs, were my anxiety meds. I kept that promise." She quickly went through her notebook, the girls looking expectantly, and Beca opened a marked page, and gave the opened notebook to Jesse, who opened it "You asked, I promised."

"Never, ever, try to kill yourself. Maybe not as many people as you'd wish will care, but I will. And it will break me. Jesse." He read the words he wrote three years ago, closed the notebook, and gave it back to her "Why didn't you say? Why did you let me think you had done it again?" Jesse asked with wet eyes.

"Because when you woke me up, I realized I didn't even feel horrified about what could have happened, I didn't until days after. So I figured if I cared so little, then it was the same at having tried. But my therapist said it wasn't the same, and I realized it was right, and I was looking for the right time to tell you, but when's the right time uh?" she shrugged "I never broke my promise." She whispered, and grinned looking at him, actually proud of herself "And you know what else? I had six bucks in my pocket tonight, and instead of wasting them buying some crap to drink under a bridge or something, I found a nice motel, and a warm bed. And when the woman offered a glass of gin out of pity, I guess, I refused. I tried absolutely nothing today, didn't try to throw myself from anywhere even, didn't even think about wanting to end anything. I just wanted five minutes to figure things out on my own, that ended up being a lot of hours" Beca explained, with her own eyes wet and a huge smile plastered on her face, and then before she knew it, Jesse was giving her the tightest hug ever. She awkwardly rolled her eyes and smiled patting his back, feeling him sobbing "I'm really sorry for everything I've put you through Jesse, I really am" she whispered by his ears. She looked over his shoulder and saw the Bellas had quickly left to give them some privacy.

The whole time Beca had been talking, she had actually showed emotion in her voice, maybe because some things, you can't talk about them without getting a bit emotional, or maybe because she cared more, or because it just had to be that way. Although she couldn't stare at anyone's faces most of the time, at least she tried to get as close as she could, her eyes wandering around the people. She had felt the embarrassment that comes with being the focus of attention too much, and from doing something reckless and stupid, but she didn't lie once, and she meant it when she said she was sorry, what also meant she would do her best so it never happened again. She had to push herself mentally to talk and time after time remember to just keep talking, figuring if she did it quickly it would be like ripping a bandage and hurt less, because for her talking so openly at to so many people all at once was really hard, but she pushed herself, she made the actual effort, because she found they deserved it, and it mattered. If they had spent who knew how many hours looking for her with the snow and the dark and the cold, she could do an effort and explain herself as much as she could.

"You don't get to do this Beca!" he snapped rubbing his eyes while putting away right in the moment Beca was starting to think she couldn't handle the hug for much longer "There are many people like you out there and most of them don't even try to hurt themselves once. Or run away. And I'm here, I am always here for you, and you could come to me, you know? I wouldn't fail."

"I know sweetie" Beca found she understood his body language. She couldn't tell if it was because she had learnt to read him over the sixteen years they had known each other, or because he had bothered to explain her body language a thousand times, or if it was because in her whole life, those kind of repetitive things she had to end up learning them somehow, but she knew she understood. Beca found herself actually wanting to touch him, for the first time in her life, actually wanting to have physical contact with someone, which only happened when she was a real mess, and she wasn't in that moment so it was a first. She put a hand on his temple massaging his hair-covered head with the tips of her fingers, and supported her forehead on his "It's okay. I'm going to be better at all of this, I'm done being a mess. I'm done. No more dangerous stuff, no more reckless behavior, I swear Jesse. I swear. You're right, most of the Aspies of the world have less trouble than I do, much less. I'll learn."

Hope you liked it, let me know about your thoughts, worries, questions or whatever! lots of love!