Better Call the Bird Lawyer
Chapter 4
"The Vacuum Guy"
Some Year between 2016 and 2020
The Month of September
Day -365
Jimmy's Appartment
7:00 PM
Jimmy just got back from his shift at the mall and entered his appartment. Midly depressed, he turned on the TV. Watched a few clips of his old trials until he got bored and/or depressed with watching that. He then switch the source on his TV with the other remote control and grabbed his Xbox controller and a bottle of beer. "Ah, GTA 4, my faviorite to get me out of my slump." thought Jimmy as he loaded his saved game and continued playing, slowly sipping his beer.
**knock knock**
"Just a minute" said Jimmy, pausing his game.
Jimmy openned the door and it was the Vacuum Guy, some 90 minutes early. He brought in Jimmy's grocieries and other personal items.
"Hey, you're early" said Jimmy
"We need to talk." said the Vacuum Guy
"Um. Ok. About what?" said Jimmy, as the Vacuum Guy takes a look around the apartment. A huge mess, looking like a 20 year old single guy living there.
"Well, I'll cut to the chase. It has come to my attention that you have been bending my rules a bit regardring not socializing with people." said the Vacumm Guy
"Ok, well, do you want me be here like a prisonaire. I mean face it, I have like some 10, 15 good years left, tops. I am gonna die from old age soon enough anyway. Come ahonnnnnn [phonetic spelling]. Give a guy a break. I've been following your rules for the most part." pleded Jimmy
"And besides, I have a gut feeling that the mobsters, if any surivived, are all gone or have moved on with their lives and totally forgot about me." continued Jimmy
"Look man. I symphathize. I really do. You've done a pretty good job keeping a low profile. And to be honest, I don't blame you. But. Rules are rules. If you're that confidenent that you don't need my services, fair enough I guess." said the Vacuum Guy
"Ok, I'll tell you want. Tell me when I went too far, give me a list of all my offenses. I'll take a look at it and promise not to do that again. I mean I can cut my chit chat with my elerly neighbor down to four minutes from my current five if that's what you want." said Jimmy
"Sorry Jimmy." said the Vacuum Guy, as Jimmy stood there with a deer-in-a-headlights look
"This is my last visit. Here is $13,532 and 34 cents for any unpaid servies, less fees and fines. I am assuming you want that in cash. Or I could put it in a bank account, less a 20% fee; or Bit Coin, less 10%" said the Vacuum Guy
"Cash is fine." said Jimmy
"Wait, what? Fees and fines?" added Jimmy
"Its in our verbal contract. You had 45 unauthorized minor interactions, $10 fine each, 18 moderate level unauthorized interactions $20 fine each, 15 minor unauthorized exits from your appartment, $25 each, and 2 major unauthorized interactions, $100 fine each. Plus the $2,000 cancellation fee." said the Vacuum Guy sternly
"Nickels and dimes, they add up I guess" said Jimmy, then contined
"Well, can I at least look at your list of violations. I am sure I'll find an inaccuracy or two." said Jimmy
The Vacuum Guy looked bewildered, a bit shocked. Neither he nor Jimmy was particularly strapped for cash. Rather, their problem was moreso how to spend it. Without raising suspicions that is. Why would Jimmy argue over a grand or two? Also, letting Jimmy see the list was a security risk the Vacuum Guy did not want to take. "What do you think this is" thought the Vacuum Guy, but decided to not say it.
"For safty reasons, the list of violations is non-reviable, we both know that." said the Vacuum Guy
"What are you some kind of lawyer." added the Vacuum Guy. A short, unconfomfortable silence followed. Then they both laughed.
"Also, if we're being honest, its a bit unfair that I eat the cancelation loss even though you are terminating this deal. I mean, yeah, we had an agreement, I get that. But you won't even tell me what I did, and besides..." added Jimmy, until the Vacuum Guy shushed him.
*sigh* the Vacuum Guy sighed
"I'll waive off all the fines. And. I'll cut the cancellation fee in half." said the Vacuum Guy reluctantly, taking out his smart phone, doing math on his calculator
"Your final total is $15,917 and 34 cents. Again, I am assuming that you want that in cash." said the Vacuum Guy, quickly weighing the options and picking the least bad one.
Jimmy, either motivated by prinicple or still has some lawyer in him. The Vacuum Guy, clearly unhappy that he just rewared Jimmy's 'bad behavior,' the lawyering that is. The alternative was risking converting Jimmy into a loose cannon. The thrid option was ending Jimmy right there and now, which comes with its own risks; as the Vacuum Guy examined the room, seeing Jimmy's unattended open beer bottle, amother other easy targets.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye. Probabbly best for the both of us to end this arrengment." said Jimmy, which both men nodded in agreement.
"I mean, whats the worst that can happen, they take my life, the last 10 to 15 good years or whatever is left." added Jimmy
The Vacuum Guy took out the list of Jimmy's violations as if he was about to hand it to him. Before Jimmy had a chance to grab it, the Vacuum Guy burned it with a cheap lighter.
"My advice. Have a cyanide pill ready just in case. If your life is not an important to you, at least pain aversion should be." said the Vacuum Guy
"Wow, gee, thanks. So how much for that bit of advice. Twenty bucks, twenty-five" said Jimmy
"That one's free. Also, some more free advice. Stay away from the violent video games and movies, also spy movies or novels." said the Vacuum Guy, nodding towards the TV, "Stick with Pac-Man will ya. Paranoia and bad dreams is the last thing a guy like you needs right now."
"Well, thanks. Should I also remember to wear protection with any women I meet in seedy bars." said Jimmy, sacastically and with disdain, "Any more of your brilliant words of wisdom I should hear about."
The Vacuum Guy looked around Jimmy's apartment, looked at Jimmy, and they shook has before parting for good.
"And clean up this pig style of yours" said the Vacuum Guy